To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

[chubbyspice]

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

@chubbyspice

She is not interested in any hobby, it is actually a joke in the house. I don't force her in to anything at all - she is really, really stubborn and argumentative. This is part of the problem - I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was. Given the choice she'd spend all day on her phone. And then when she gets bored she wants us to bring her to the shops/entertain her.

So push her to get a hobby, and make her entertain herself - you know, parenting!?

I'm going against the grain here by suggesting you do look for a psychologist but first of all it would make sense for you to describe your daughter's behaviour to them and they would be able to tell you if there is cause for concern and then you can consider if there should be any next steps. Being able to build healthy relationships is a very important skill for children to have so you're not wrong to be worried.
My dad has a weekly session with a psychologist, she thinks its a general knowledge lesson but actually they talk about expressing and processing emotions and building friendships, my husband and I also speak weekly to the psychologist to get help and guidance and it's really helped us, dsd definitely has special needs though so it was very clear to us it was needed. Good luck and take professional advice

She's twelve OP. No rush. My 12 year old same. I think the more outgoing 12 yos have been pushed by parents. Those children meet up at the park and are having sleepovers during lock down...

"My dm is controlling and I try to be the opposite"
By seeking psychological help for her because she doesn't confirm to your idea of normal? Are you serious.

So push her to get a hobby, and make her entertain herself - you know, parenting!?

We have given her every possible opportunity to get a hobby. Anything she would like to do we facilitate but she isn't hugely interested in anything.

I totally see where you are coming from OP. Friends are very important and earning how to make them and be one are part of life. Most people who have no friends are not happy about it judging by the numerous threads on here.
One positive is that it doesn't bother her but I agree it is still something to be encouraged. I wouldn't take her to a psychologist but would try and bargain with her that she meets with friends once every few weeks

This was me as a teen (I do also have ASD). My DM was constantly on at me to invite people over and do things with other people. It was so tedious and all I wanted to do was read.

Some people don’t really seek others out, because they have their own interests and just don’t need company or “practice” socialising. I did also had good friends at school, but didn’t socialise with them otherwise. It worked out well this way.

"My dm is controlling and I try to be the opposite"
By seeking psychological help for her because she doesn't confirm to your idea of normal? Are you serious.

I don't actually have the same negative view of psychological help. I saw a counsellor when I had PND and found it really useful.
It's not about confirming to an idea, it's about ensuring that there isn't something that is holding her back that she maybe can't or doesn't want to explain to me. Seeing your daughter cry because her friend is coming over for an hour is distressing.
The therapist/psychologist would meet with me first to discuss the issue.

My mum really pushed me to meet up with friends more often when I was your daughter's age. I'm sure she had the best intentions at heart... but I ended up forcing myself to socialise because I felt there was something wrong with me.

As I got older this translated into hanging around with people who made me feel uncomfortable because I didn't want to be seen as weird for being alone.

Turns out there's nothing wrong with me at all, some people just don't enjoy constant social contact.

IMO the best thing you can teach your daughter is that she doesn't need to make herself feel uncomfortable in order to appease other people's expectations of what she should be doing.

I do not hold a negative view of psychological help?
I hold a negative view of looking for issues where there are none, or making your child feel abnormal.
Nice drip feed regarding her friend though

Nice drip feed regarding her friend though

It's in my OP

OP, you saw a counsellor because you had depression. There is nothing wrong with that.

There are some people with no mental illness who choose to see therapists, which is also fine.

It is a very different thing to suggest a psychologist.

If you actually mean a counsellor that would be up to your daughter.

Yabu

Many girls her age will be doing similar - it's partly a sign of the times (would you go on public transport and shopping for fun in COVID times?) and partly what it's like to be a teen in 2020. The technology available means that they can get their "social hit" without face to face contact.

I have a son who's a similar age and spent lockdown in a similar way. His brother is very sporty so would have been out playing sports but my ds doesn't socialise with his friends like we did as friends. He might walk via McDonalds with his friends after school but when they are home they talk on gaming headsets so get their social catchup that way

My dd is an older teen and she's normally very social but she's in a meh stage with messaging her friends etc as there's nothing to discuss really. Once they are back in September and she gets a chance to take her driving test then I'm expecting things to go back to the way it was.

I think at 13 they are still not quite up to speed on the whole organising to meet up with friends thing. And social media can actually hamper that as they all weigh in with their ' oh well I can maybe later but not now' type comments and it kind of paralyses them. In some social groups there is a natural leader who galvanises them but not always. OP I think either you have to take the initiative and offer to take your DD and a friend to eg a pool, or you have to let her be. Don't make her feel she's in some way abnormal. It's also the case that lockdown has meant lots of kids not seeing their friends very much and slightly forgetting how to be sociable - it will all sort itself out when she goes back to school.

I missed that, but it doesn't negate anything else I've said.

This is part of the problem - I feel that we don't push her enough. My DM is controlling and I try to be the opposite of how she was.

Is this more to do with your DM, and wanting to be as far away from her style of parenting as you can get - but then wondering if that's right for your daughter?

There's nothing that you've said that's worrying, really. She's happy, fine at school, does have friends there, will go to parties/cinema etc sometimes. She's just not overly sociable outside of school, and you feel that she lacks hobbies. She'd probably say that TikTok is a hobby, I have friends who definitely would consider it one of theirs!

The crying over a friend is a bit of a non-event. It sounds like a one-off, and she could well have been pretty upset that you invited someone over that she then had to play with, and she didn't want to. I don't particularly enjoy having to entertain people that I don't get on with.

I am quite sociable, but plenty of people aren't - or are, but don't meet anyone that they particularly want to spend excess time with at school. She's able to make friends at school, to keep them, to communicate and socialise....

So really you'd be taking her to a psychologist because you're not overly happy with who she seems to be, and that would be tough to explain, potentially now but almost definitely in the future when she's older and realises that it's not normal.

Do you still get any psychological help? Could you talk about this with them, to see if it's actually an issue with you not feeling that you are parenting right because of your DM, rather than anything to do with your daughter?

At her age, I wasn't keen on having friends round because I was embarrassed. Not about anything in particular, just everything to do with my home life and parents was oh so embarassing. I would have hated to have a friend show up. I also wasn't massively into going out with friends, as we'd just hang around the town centre bored. But in my late teens I was a social butterfly and my parents couldn't keep me at home.

12 is still young and if she seems happy, then she is probably OK.

OP, we are all different. I was perfectly happy being at home as a teenager, and I didn't have any particular interest in friends coming over. I would have hated my mum inflicting a friend on me when I was 12, and would have been upset by it. I liked being at home, and I liked doing stuff with my sister. I didn't have a single birthday party because I hated the idea. I am mightily glad that my parents didn't think it was a matter for a psychologist!

I am now very sociable, as it happens, but I still don't like parties and am also happy on my own.

My DM is controlling

Apple didn't fall far from the tree did it? She's not like you. Accept that. It's not a bad thing, it's normal. She's normal. Stop trying to force her to be something she's not. Lots of teens don't want hobbies and are quite happy with their own company.

Children these days are sometimes encouraged to be less independent than ya. My dd is 17 and has friends who have never taken public transport or a taxi (they get lifts ) Considering that they are a year away from going to uni I think that's pretty shocking. I was actually planning to teach my dd how to use the Tube this year. She knows how to get into London but wouldn't be confident getting around on public transport once she got there.

In her case, the amount of going out increased as she got older. In y7/8/9 it was just birthdays really but y10 onwards they'd go shopping, ice skating and so on

Limit the time she is allowed on the phone and stop entertaining her (outside of family outings or activities) and let her get on with things?

This sounds like me as a child. I was quite happy with my own company and really enjoyed being at home. I hated friends coming to my house as I felt that was my safe place and I didn't want to share it. I was quite happy at school and had lots of friends, I just preferred home to be home. I'm still really close to my family and I still like my own company. I have a couple of really good friends rather than a large social group and I'm completely happy that way! I'd have hated to be taken to a psychologist; I don't want to be changed and I doubt that your daughter does either. We're all different and lots of us don't conform to social norms but that's OK. I think it's important that your DD knows that!

Does she have a structured routine to keep her away from her phone? Daily chores, school work, exercise time? Maybe look at this first. My dd (15) is also very happy with her own company, but we’ve agreed a loosely structured timetable for her, otherwise the hours and days are just filled with phone/iPad/tv.

blimey I must ring my mum immediately and get her on the phone to the health services, my younger sisters (elder ones are 10 and 12) hardly ever meet up with friends outside of school - get real OP. it's normal!! I was the same at that age and didnt start wanting to meet up with friends out of school until I was 14/15. I just liked being at home when I wasnt at school, it was my safe place and somewhere I could relax and be/do whatever I wanted.

I cant believe you are worried about this and I am honestly a bit confused, especially considering you have described a child who is perfectly happy.

Your daughter sounds happy and chilled.
It’s you that has the issue. Maybe you should see a psychologist?
Don’t make her feel like there is something wrong with her just because you have rigid ideas on how she should be.
Not everyone is an ‘initiator’. Some people are happy to go with the flow.

Quite frankly, you should be happy that your child is happy.