To bring DD to a psychologist because she has no friends

[chubbyspice]

DD(12) doesn't make any effort to meet up with friends. She would happily spend all day on her phone. Reports from school are that she is a popular, happy child and I believe the same. But she never wants to spend time with children her own age. If asked she will go to the cinema with a couple of friends but she never initiates meeting up, asks if friends can come over. She turned off the class group chat on her phone. She wakes up singing and is generally happy but can be contrary with her brother, although he is annoying.
I realise that not everyone is social but I feel that she is missing out on a balanced childhood. She has nobody that she hangs out with, doesn't want anyone invited to a birthday party. Last year I bumped in to one of her friends from school and invited her over and DD was crying because she didn't want her coming - this is a girl who has been over lots of times and is very pleasant, albeit less mature than DD. DD doesn't suffer from anxiety, never seems to be stressed about the social aspect of school.
But it also means that she is always here and I'm always conscious that she needs to be entertained as otherwise she'd do nothing.
I wanted to bring her to a psychologist to see if there was something that we could do to help but DH isn't in favour. I just think that as parents its our job to try and raise a child who is as fully rounded as possible and that we are letting her down in some way by not pushing her.

Your daughter doesn’t need fixing. You need to look at your own issues - and leave her alone.

Gosh you’ve a happy well adjusted child, call your mother controlling, say you want to be different and in the next breath announce you want to take your kid to a psychologist to see what’s wrong with her.

Your husbands right, leave her alone. Respect her for what she is not what you wish to force her to be.

Leave her alone. If she was unhappy you would need to do something but she's not so you don't. In fact you could do more harm than goo by pushing social interaction.

She's 12, she has friends. In a year or two this will probably change on its own naturally, friends will become more important to her and she will not want to spend any time with you at all!

And if it doesn't happen as long as she is happy it doesn't matter.

You can't make someone well rounded. People are as they are.

I had severe mental health problems brewing by your daughters age. Be thankful she is happy.

My DD is exactly like this albeit she goes to a boarding school, we moved at the beginning of lock down and whilst her younger sister has integrated into village life, my eldest doesn't care for new friendships. She's had one night with kids her own age since March and she enjoyed it, but when I try and get her to meet up with new kids, she isn't bothered.

If she's socially fine at school. I really wouldn't worry.

She sounds like an introvert. Quite happy in her own company. Lots of people are. As an introvert I get tired of extroverts telling me what I should do. Bloody loved being in lockdown. Leave her be.

Could you approach the lack of hobbies from a different angle?

Does she have any ideas what she wants to be when she grows up?

Talk to her about the importance of having a hobby/sport/volunteering for applying to college/uni/ jobs.

Does she like animals? Could you get a dog for her to walk?

I work alongside educational psychologists and whilst very knowledgeable, they won't wave a magic wand and give you a different child. What they will do is get her to open up and talk about what is going on. But this is something you and your husband maybe well placed to do yourself. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her but if you are able to slowly have non-judgemental conversations about how she is feeling, what friends she has, why she sometimes does not want to see her friends sometimes, you may be able to help her yourself. If she is truely happy, then no one has the right to tell her to socialise or change. There really is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company or being introverted.

I understand you 100% as my dd is also 12 and EXACTLY the same, right down to the getting upset over being 'made' to socialise. My dd is lucky in that she has sisters of 10 and 13 she gets on well with but I'm guessing your worry is the same as mine...will she have friends to go back to when school starts? I worry myself sick about this, honestly, so I sympathise. I have no answers for you, just don't get disheartened by all the posters criticising your approach or your worries.

My god this sounds a bit like my 12 year old boy. He doesn't meet up with friends outside school. He only plays with one or two friends online on Xbox.

School have said he's happy and has friends at school so I just assumed he hadn't really found his people yet. It wouldn't have even occurred to me to take him to a psychologist.

Part of me wants to say "yes take her to the psychologist" and then she can figure out how to tell you that you are being too controlling.
But then I read you've had therapy and understand the benefit. And her tears upset you. Often I think parents have a raw instinct about things being amiss that you shouldn't ignore though you should remind yourself to stay open minded.
I haven't rtft sorry but has autism been suggested? Have you read the stuff on how it presents in girls?
Whatever, you may have to accept that she won't be social in the way you want her to be. You sound a really caring mum though.

You will have to try and get your daughter off the phone and other such things, and suggest some interesting hobby etc. It's ridiculous to be thinking along the lines of a child psychologist.She will mix with other children when she is ready.

I think you need to let go of the daughter you imagined you’d have and get on with parenting the one you’ve got.

I can see why you're concerned but I don't think it's a good idea to medicalise what is probably perfectly normal variations in personality. That's likely to cause her more issues than her lack of interest in friends. If she functions well socially, and understands social norms, it's not necessarily a problem if she prefers her own company.

Not sure if this helps, but I was an only child and my mum was insistent I should have friends over to play. I hated it.
I didn't like sharing my toys, was always worried about my things getting damaged, and just didn't feel comfortable around children in general anyway.
I was happy in adult company and alone.

In my 50s now, a mum of 5 adult children ,and I still prefer my own company. Aside from my own my own, I still don't enjoy the company of children.

If she was mine I wouldn't worry.

YABU.

@Furrybutts interesting that you went on to have 5 dc. Was that anything to do with being an only child yourself?

I was exactly like this as a child!! I just wanted to be left the fuck alone so I could read. Socialising just drained/bored me.

As an adult I'm still pretty introverted. I socialise sometimes but I'm perfectly happy to be alone.

I'm an infj that now works with data

I'm an only child too!

@MrsSpookyM did you have dc?

You don't like that she's 'always there'?

Jeez.

Leave her alone. Some people don't want schoolyard randoms in the house. It's supposed to be a place of sanctuary.

Leave her be.

You’re being your mother.

Some people prefer their own company. Those that don’t struggle to see it as normal as they can’t fathom it, but it is.

Also I was an only child and constantly had friends round or practically lived at my friends houses. It’s not always connected.

I don’t know why you’re getting such a hard time here. She doesn’t sound happy - she seems to be addicted to her phone.

Is the phone thing the real issue? Can you limit it?

Did she have fun with her friend when she eventually came around?

I know you said she isn’t interested in any hobbies, but if phones didn’t exist, what would she do? Reading? Playing etc?

My mum constantly pushed me to go out when I was younger, always implying that there was something wrong with me. It wrecked my life and self confidence for years I worked out what a nightmare narcissist she is. I take no notice now.

She’s me! I’m now 43 and a divorcee with one kid. I wfh full time (and have done for 10 years). I’m a very successful executive, popular with colleagues and my team. I still mostly choose to spend time alone (although I now have a boyfriend who also enjoys quiet and spending time outdoors.)

She’ll be fine although she may just enjoy her own company!