to ask what you think-30 year old virgin

[username108]

Do you know anyone who is an older virgin? Do you think its really odd for someone to still be a virgin at 30?

Ummm... mind your own business?

@TomPinch

The thought that anyone should ever tell anyone to stay quiet makes me feel very angry. As for your pastor, the expression "whited sepulchre" springs to mind.

I agree. Thankfully he's never been my pastor. It's a fitting description of my F, too, who was a respected former missionary, and who was also protected by church members at the church where we grew up.

When my DSis and I reported our abuse to the police as adults, my DH and I, and our 2 DDs went to an independent evangelical church and the pastor supported me very well. So the majority of pastors wouldn't countenance cover-ups, I'm sure.

But I think it's a weakness of independent churches, that there's no proper accountability like there is in mainstream denominations. We're now at a Pentecostal church and I can see the difference now.

Sadly, however, cover ups have happened in the CofE, too, however. The former Archbishop of Canterbury, George Carey, was guilty of it. So it does happen. But it's much less likely in the CofE now, as he confessed and was disgraced for doing what he did.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm also in awe of the SA survivor who spoke about what happened to her. That's what needs to happen much more. Cover ups are much less likely to happen if survivors are able to speak out more freely and churches support them in doing so.

I was 24 I just didn't have any luck with men

I've had a few friends who have been older 'virgins'. Both male. Both introverted shy quiet men who just had zero confidence / bad experiences. One is still a 'virgin' although not quite 30.

I've been reading a lot about virginity being a social construct, it's quite interesting. I think too much pressure is placed on 'losing it' especially heteronormative sex.

@Bananabread8

I think it is quite odd. I think it must be hard as well to start having sexual experiences later on in life. It’s not a race but come on it’s unusual and I wonder if there’s quite a serious reason for someone that has not had sex by 30.

Its not that unusual, lots of people aren’t fans of casual sex, so it isn’t hugely surprising that some people are ‘older’ when they first have sex.

I was 26, so a few years younger than 30, nothing odd, no ‘serious reason’. I just have zero interest in casual sex and only want to have sex with someone if I’m in a secure, loving and monogamous relationship. For me virginity was really important and not something I would be willing to share in a casual relationship.

For other people casual sex works for them, for others sex isn’t something they want at all. Their all fine optiona and none of them are odd. Odd is doing something to fit in with a narrow view of others, rather than doing what works for you as an individual.

@SimonJT that’s your opinion. I think 30 is old to be honest not to have had sex. It’s quite unusual let’s not down play it and then make out like I’m suggesting you should just go and have casual sex for the sake of it.
I know what unusual means thanks all the same. So you was 26.... that still doesn’t mean that you are the majority.

Also it wasn’t really a narrow view I just think learning to explore sex at 30 could be quite difficult.

Also most people will have had a couple of BF/GFs before the age of 30

I was 18 but I happened to be in a long term relationship and I loved my bf. If I hadn’t found someone until 30, I’d be a virgin at 30 I guess. Never had a one night stand, never slept with anyone I wasn’t in a long term relationship with.

@lilgreen you could of met someone at any age had you not of met your partner.

I think calling it 'odd' is judgemental and derogatory. It's unusual, but that's because most people who aren't into casual sex start their first long-term relationship before the age of 30. My DH and I didn't (we were 37 and 33), but as devout Christians that isn't unusual. I think it probably is unusual for people who aren't religious, but everyone has their own story and judging them as 'odd' is very unkind.

Very late starter here, because I’ve just never seen the appeal of sex without first being in a long stable relationship. Physical attraction doesn’t really mean anything to me. I’m not against casual sex; it seems to work for most people, and I’m perfectly happy for anyone to crack on. Just can’t imagine doing it myself.

I would be a bit suprised to meet someone who was a virgin at 30. I would never think badly of them, but would think that they were maybe a bit shy or socially awkward

Sorry op I have just read your updates, it's totally understandable in the circumstances you describe. I hope your new friendship/relationship allows you to find what you're looking for. It's very positive that you are being proactive. Best of luck

One thing to mention about devout Christians (I don't know how devout Muslims or other religions view this, hence why I'm focusing on Christians here). There are a lot of Christians who have been in serious relationships (even engaged) who are nevertheless virgins, because of the belief that there should be no sex outside marriage. So it doesn't necessarily mean that they haven't been in a serious relationship before, just not in a sexual relationship.

This has got me wondering what defines losing one's virginity. Is it only full (penetrative?) sex or do other activities count?

This just highlights the absurdity of the whole concept - if only a penis in a vagina counts as ‘sex’ then I have one (very sexually successful ) gay female friend who is technically ‘a virgin’

It is unusual and it's a situation I'm only too familiar with. All my life I've had social anxiety, low self esteem and no confidence. As a result I'm rarely in situations where I'm likely to meet potential partners and when I am the above books me back from doing anything about it.

books/holds ffs

I dont know any 30 year old virgins personally. I had a thing with a guy for awhile who is from a religious family though. Very low key and casual. His parents want to do him an arranged marriage and think hes a 30 year old virgin.

How would you know, though, ILoveFood? It's not something that people discuss after a certain age as people just assume you're NOT a virgin.

I dont know any 30 year old virgins personally. I had a thing with a guy for awhile who is from a religious family though. Very low key and casual. His parents want to do him an arranged marriage and think hes a 30 year old virgin.

How would you know? I'm 42 and don't go around broadcasting it, my close friends know but colleagues/acquaintances/most family aren't aware. Why would they be?

I'm 34 and a virgin. Never been kissed, never held hands.

I'm not asexual so it does bother me, but I'm not sure there's a lot I can honestly do? Life's a bit of popularity contest at the end of the day and some people just aren't attractive people either physically or socially.

I think its probably more the latter in my case, I never had any friends in my adult life, some acquaintances, but never had a social life, so I'm a loner.

Therefore trying to pursue a relationship whilst living an extremely solitary lifestyle isn't obviously attractive so that lack of being able to form close relationships is the underlying symptom if you like that needs to be addressed. But I feel nobody wants to be "my friend", I feel society rejects me and wants nothing to do with me so I'm sort of like forced into this position.

I see a lot of posts here describing virgins they know in their 50s and 60s and even older and although nobody is owed sex or a relationship the concept of ending up like that makes me incredibly sad, and if things don't change I too will end up that way. But I say its difficult when you struggle to connect with people and form relationships generally so I worry the whole concept of being like that is ultimately inevitable for me.