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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you think-30 year old virgin

220 replies

username108 · 10/08/2020 14:26

Do you know anyone who is an older virgin? Do you think its really odd for someone to still be a virgin at 30?

OP posts:
sitckmansladylove · 10/08/2020 19:05

That is very true and an important point boom.

Original poster
username108 · 10/08/2020 19:09

I'm not using him to have sex- sorry I should've been more clear. We are both wanting a serious relationship too but I just feel I want to get the sex part over with soon

OP posts:
Pandacub7 · 10/08/2020 19:10

It is very unusual, I think everyone I know lost their virginity by their early 20s. It sounds as though you have social anxiety and not working/university doesn’t help (more friends, going out, meeting new people). There’s too much pressure on young people so it’s good that you’re waiting for someone you trust.

Daftodil · 10/08/2020 19:20

Not odd at all. Different people have different sexual history and it always seems to be one of those "grass is always greener on the other side" scenarios. I know people who lost their virginity early who wished they'd waited and know others who waited who wished they'd got it over and done with earlier.

It wouldn't bother me either way whether a potential new partner was a virgin or not (although if they weren't, it's always a good idea to go to the gum clinic for a check before bumping uglies).

ruabon · 10/08/2020 19:29

Well another four months and it would have been me! Unusual yes, but perhaps some people are unlucky or choosy or both. I lived most of my twenties in a rural area, which may have made a difference.

Gubbeen · 10/08/2020 19:32

We are going to meet up soon and although I'm not attracted to him that much, he is a nice person and i don't think he would reject me. I have nobody else otherwise so it's now or never.

I think sex isn't the key point here, it's both that (1) you're seeing this as a now or never scenario (this man and this relationship or being alone forever), which places a huge amount of pressure on you both, and (2) that you seem to think that as he's a 'nice person', he will definitely want to sleep with you because you would see him not wanting to as the act of a 'not-nice person'.

It doesn't work like that. Meeting someone in person after months of chat can be discombobulating and pressured, even without the presumption of first-time sex and a serious relationship, and even without both your autism and your other conditions.

I would take things slowly, and dial the expectations, sexual and other, down a lot to begin with.

BonfireStarter · 10/08/2020 19:39

Its fine OP, just do whatever suits you. Some people think sex is very overrated.

Worstyear2020 · 10/08/2020 21:28

I am not sure about everybody but I absolutely not able to bring myself to have sex with someone who I am not sexually attracted to. It might becomes really awkward... sounds like you just want to fit in by losing your virginity?

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/08/2020 21:47

I'm not using him to have sex- sorry I should've been more clear. We are both wanting a serious relationship too but I just feel I want to get the sex part over with soon.

But you say you aren’t really sexually attracted to him. Is he aware of this but thinks it’s okay or were you planning on keeping that bit of information to yourself?

Neither is a great basis for a sexual relationship.

fwwaftp · 10/08/2020 21:59

Maybe you should just take it one step at a time.
You don't seem to be particularly sexually attracted to him but that might come later once you know him better.
It has happened to me a couple of times - I've got to know someone better and their personality and then the attraction has come.

Just meet up with him without any expectations. If you do get on well in person arrange some more dates and see how things progress.

toolateat48 · 10/08/2020 22:15

OP, my heart goes out to you. You sound so much like me 18 years ago - and 18 years on nothing has changed.

See my recent post www.mumsnet.com/.../3979034-To-feel-there-is-simply-no-solution- to-this.

I'm 48 now and so, so wish I'd have addressed this earlier. Like you a combination of childhood issues and mental health problems contributed to it all. I'm not asexual, and have no religious issues.

The messages I've read both on my own thread and yours are helping me to see it's not as big a stigma as I once feared. But it's still so, so difficult. I can't get past the wasted years, and the fact that now it really does feel too late for me.

You're so much younger than me. And you have done brilliantly with your online dating, I'm too terrified to do even that. Don't put yourself in danger, and don't rush anything, but please don't let it go on as long as I have. It's intolerable, it truly is.

Sending you every good wish for the future.

Bananabread8 · 10/08/2020 22:20

I think it is quite odd. I think it must be hard as well to start having sexual experiences later on in life. It’s not a race but come on it’s unusual and I wonder if there’s quite a serious reason for someone that has not had sex by 30.

slashlover · 10/08/2020 22:26

I'm 42 and a virgin, but I'm an aromantic asexual so I'm not interested.

I used to see a vv cool woman at the gym who wore a black ring on her wedding ring finger which I just thought was an example of how cool she was not having gold or platinum but I read later it meant asexual.

Asexual ring is usually the middle finger of the right hand.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/08/2020 22:42

It isn't unusual. If you both want to have a serious relationship why not I would be honest with him.
My friend is 42 she is a virgin she enjoys erotica novels I dont think she's asexual I'd never asked her.
I know her DM and sisters were let down and hurt over the years by men.
She wanted to meet a special guy he never came.

Emeraldshamrock · 10/08/2020 22:43

I can't get past the wasted years, and the fact that now it really does feel too late for me
It is never to late 48 is young.

Sakura7 · 10/08/2020 22:43

It’s not a race but come on it’s unusual and I wonder if there’s quite a serious reason for someone that has not had sex by 30.

Some people don't want to have casual sex, and haven't met the right person by 30. That's the case with my friend, who is certainly not odd. Calling people those kind of names is horrible, and shows a lack of ability to understand other people's experiences.

Ginfordinner · 10/08/2020 22:49

@Sakura7

It’s not a race but come on it’s unusual and I wonder if there’s quite a serious reason for someone that has not had sex by 30.

Some people don't want to have casual sex, and haven't met the right person by 30. That's the case with my friend, who is certainly not odd. Calling people those kind of names is horrible, and shows a lack of ability to understand other people's experiences.

Well said @Sakura7
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/08/2020 22:52

As you haven’t met in person yet, you can’t completely gauge whether there’s any sexual chemistry between you. He may not look gorgeous to you on screen, but there’s a lot more to physical attraction than that. You can be attracted to the way someone smells, for example! Or there’s a spark when you touch.

I’d suggest meeting up a few times and seeing how you feel then. It may be that it’s not right, or you may feel genuinely attracted to him.

Palavah · 10/08/2020 22:59

I had been holding out for my first time to 'mean something' until I realised that losing my virginity was an elephant in the room for me, and actual PIV intercourse was interfering with my ability to enjoy physical intimacy, even kissing. So, one night when I ended up unexpectedly snogging a guy I knew was experienced, I decided I would bite the bullet. There was chemistry but I wasn't emotionally committed. It was totally unremarkable*, probably not very satisfying for either of us but I never regretted it as it completely took the pressure off all my subsequent encounters and I was able to enjoy all the 'everything but..' stuff. It was then a couple of years before I met someone with whom I could really learn how to have sex.

So, I don't think it's unreasonable to want to get it 'out of the way' with someone you trust and who trusts you. You don't have to be in love, or fancy him madly, but you do need to know that you'll be turned on enough for it to not be an off-putting experience for both of you. With enough build - up and foreplay this is totally possible.

Do you actually want to have sex? How familiar are you with pleasuring yourself? This is hugely important in being able to show/ask a partner for what you want.

*I didnt tell him it was my first time - I next saw him about 15 years later and told him then.

Palavah · 10/08/2020 23:02

If you're feeling anxious about intimacy I would suggest you consider getting some help to work through this. Having sex won't fix that for you and could make it worse.

LittleHootie · 10/08/2020 23:12

I was 28. For me it just didn't happen any earlier. I was quite shy, and wanted to be really comfortable with someone before being intimate, but never really got past second date.

I didn't shout about my virginity. Most of my friends assumed I'd had sex, the others never mentioned it.

I've only ever had sex with one man. He was persistent and I got to the point of "let's get this over with". Two decades later and I'm still not bothered about sex.

So a combination of not having the opportunity and not being motivated to find the opportunity.

Jourdain11 · 10/08/2020 23:16

I have a work colleague who is very religious and was a virgin until she married in her late 30s. She now has a very, err, active sex life which she enjoys telling others about 😆

aprilfools19 · 10/08/2020 23:17

Not odd at all.
Could be religious reasons. Perhaps a-sexual. Perhaps unsure of sexuality.
I’m gay and have a lot of female gay friends who didn’t lose their virginity until later in life because they simply never had any desire to have sex with a man, but hadn’t come to terms with their sexuality as a lesbian or simply hadn’t yet gathered the confidence to pursue it. That could also be a reason.
Then again some people just aren’t very sexual people and sex simply isn’t a big deal for them.

SandyY2K · 10/08/2020 23:17

I would find it odd in this day and age.

noseresearch · 11/08/2020 01:08

As a generation we kind of suck at dating! If you aren’t wanting casual sex and you’re not confident in your own lovableness then it’s scarily easy to find yourself in this situation.

Agreed^