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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you think-30 year old virgin

220 replies

username108 · 10/08/2020 14:26

Do you know anyone who is an older virgin? Do you think its really odd for someone to still be a virgin at 30?

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 10/08/2020 17:44

OP, do you want to have sex or do you feel like you should want to have sex? Because lots of people aren't into sex and have perfectly happy and fulfilled lives and relationships. I know asexual people, they are not lacking, they just don't want sex in the same way I don't want to play golf: great that other people love it and may it bring them joy but not for me. Have you and the person you've met online talked about sex? Do you know what he wants? What you want? What have you enjoyed most about speaking to him online?

SimonJT · 10/08/2020 17:45

@PenCreed

Some people just don't meet anyone and aren't casual about sex - even without being religious. I think it's possibly more common than you would expect, as people seem to regard it as weird. This thread is a case in point.
Yep, I have zero interest in having sex with someone unless we’re in a monogamous relationship and we have been seeing in each other a few months. First had sex at 26, now 32 and had sex with two people, more than happy and comfortable about my decision.
MotherofPickles · 10/08/2020 17:46

Yes, my dad was a 40 year old virgin, until he met my mum. Not religious. Quite shy and just never had a serious relationship before he met my mum.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2020 17:47

Usually if you get on outside the bedroom you’ll get on in the bedroom.

Attraction grows as you get to know the facets of people’s personalities.

If it doesn’t work out it’s not your last chance. None of the issues you mention are your fault. You didn’t ask for them.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 10/08/2020 17:49

username

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of.

I hope it works out for you with your online friend, but please -

DON'T sleep with this man just so you can tell yourself you have had a relationship/sex

DO - if you like him, allow yourself time to get to know him and decide if you really want to be intimate with him.

Don't push your relationship, or let him push it, faster than you are comfortable.

xxx

2bazookas · 10/08/2020 17:50

I had a friend who told me when she was 95, she sometimes wondered how life would have been different if she'd ever had sex, or fallen in love. She never experienced either. WW1 killed so many young men of her generation, afterwards there weren't enough left to go round. She had a career instead, as a missionary doctor in Nepal.

Fletchings · 10/08/2020 17:51

The person isnt religious and has never had a relationship

asexual?

eatsleepread · 10/08/2020 17:51

I think it's odd. Sorry 😬

Original poster
username108 · 10/08/2020 17:52

Yes I do want to experience it- although my medication has really killed most of my libido. We have talked about sex a lot and he is understanding etc.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2020 17:53

I used to see a vv cool woman at the gym who wore a black ring on her wedding ring finger which I just thought was an example of how cool she was not having gold or platinum but I read later it meant asexual.

She had a child too.

Sakura7 · 10/08/2020 17:56

Charming eatsleepread. Thankfully most of the posters here are more open-minded and less judgemental.

OP, you are not odd.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/08/2020 18:06

You aren’t that attracted to him and you don’t have much of a libido at the moment but you don’t think he’ll reject him so you’re going to proposition him?

I see why you are trying to engineer a way to have sex. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong, but I think you are setting up a situation that is less likely to be fulfilling and could be a bit abusive of the young man you’re focused on. Please be open with him long before the time you meet so he has time to work through his feelings and come to a decision he won’t feel pressured into and then, after, used.

daisypond · 10/08/2020 18:07

I know several people much older than 30 who are/were virgins - in their 50s and 60s.
I don’t think it’s odd at all, and I think it’s more common than you might think.

Osirus · 10/08/2020 18:12

I hope it works out for you OP. Once you meet him, you might find feelings for him, who knows?!

You are still very young, so have hope.

Cam77 · 10/08/2020 18:13

It annoys me how this is a “thing” in this and other countries to be honest. It simply pushes many young people into having experiences before they are ready as they feel like they should.

Not everyone is of the “let’s chalk up as many sexual experiences as you can before 25” disposition, but this is how most shy/not psychologically or emotionally ready people are hounded at university and elsewhere.

sitckmansladylove · 10/08/2020 18:17

I know a few people who were that age. I was not one of them but honestly I wouldn't just have sex with this online man just to get it out of the way. You are worth more than that.

Worstyear2020 · 10/08/2020 18:17

It is not odd at all, my school friend who is 45 still a virgin although she had a bf, my sister is older, also the same. Not everyone want to have sex before marriage.

Good luck with the meet, just try to have fun and avoid anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. You can still build a friendship if not lovers.

Lizadork · 10/08/2020 18:25

Since you haven't met yet, i would suggest going on a few dates first before thinking about sex. You have waited almost 30 years so what is a could of extra dates? That way you may find a connection. And sex can be weird/awkward whether no one is a virgin, whether one is a virgin or whether both are virgins. It important to be comfortable and to have trust. But at the same time, sex can feel like a big hurdle or barrier so some people just have sex to get it over with and that is ok too. Just try to take it slow even if just a couple of dates of maybe kissing, hugging, hand holding. And you dont have to have sex straight away. You can build up to it over a few days/weeks by touching, dry humping, oral etc.

Sakura7 · 10/08/2020 18:25

Totally agree Cam77. It's horrible pressure at that age. Why can't people just live and let live?

Gancanny · 10/08/2020 18:36

I dated an older virgin before I met DH. He was 29 and I was his first proper girlfriend. He had no experience of relationships or intimacy and it showed. He was obsessed with sex and seemed to think it was my duty to provide him with it given that I was the more experienced of the two of us. When I hadn't opened my legs by date number three he went into a huff about being "friend zoned" and that I was "just like all the other girls". I had words with him, he agreed he was acting like a dick and asked for a second chance which I gave him. I very quickly regretted it when nothing at all changed and when I ended it he went through several weeks of parking outside my house, coming into my place of work, and sending me messages pleading with me to give us another go and that he knew I'd only dumped him because I was scared of my feelings for him. He even proposed to try and win me back. When I met DH and we started dating I got a single text message calling me a whore and then never heard from him again.

If I was dating someone who was a virgin it would be a red flag for me because I'd be wondering why they had never had romantic experience - not even necessarily sex but dating and some sort of emotional intimacy at the very least.

Either that or computer-obsessed nerds with Asperger’s who are incapable of speaking to women.

Do you always stereotype people with neurological disabilities or is that saved exclusively for online forums?

ReginaaPhalange · 10/08/2020 18:37

My uncle is 56 and has never had a 'proper' girlfriend (his words..). He said he only wants to be with the woman he will marry. He isn't ashamed in the slightest.

Ginfordinner · 10/08/2020 18:44

I like this thread. It adds a bit of balance to the "How many people have you slept with?" threads.

They are always filled with posters who say they had a good time at university and can't remember how many one night stands they have had. The implication being if you haven't slept around you haven't lived.

Mittens030869 · 10/08/2020 18:57

My DH was a virgin at 37. He's a devout Christian so waited until married before DTD. I'm also a devout Christian but was sexually abused as a child so wasn't a virgin. That has led to sexual problems, as I'm no longer able to cope with having full sex, only when trying for a baby. (I was infertile so we adopted our DDs, who are now 11 and 8.)

I do feel bad for him sometimes, that he didn't have another relationship before me, with someone without my history and hang ups. But we have a very happy marriage in other ways and are jointly devoted to our DDs. (We've been married for 17 years now.)

Everyone has their own history, and it really isn't anyone else's business ultimately, as long as they themselves are happy.

TheoneandObi · 10/08/2020 18:58

Not odd, slightly unusual. The literal 30 year old virgin I know is a v religious relative. She's also a medic so presumably pretty broad-minded as in she'll have seen and heard some things. We don't think she's ever even been kissed. But she seems happy so live and let live I say

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/08/2020 18:59

I wouldn't just have sex with this online man just to get it out of the way. You are worth more than that.

He is worth more than that too. It's not a nice way to treat someone else unless they are fully informed and enthusiastic about the idea too.