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Original poster

to ask what you think-30 year old virgin

220 replies

username108 · 10/08/2020 14:26

Do you know anyone who is an older virgin? Do you think its really odd for someone to still be a virgin at 30?

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 10/08/2020 15:49

My partner didn't have sex for the first time until they were 30 but had a bit more experience before we met. Not much though. Didn't think anything of it really, just that he might find my background a bit much! But its all been fine. Its only a barrier if you make it one.

Lancrelady80 · 10/08/2020 15:52

I popped oh's cherry when he was 31. Had been friends for a few years before (ex's friend) so saw him in a platonic way for a long time.

He was v shy and generally a bit awkward, but also one of those people who wears their heart on their sleeve. Much older parents too, so old-fashioned approaches and views on how to treat women well. He would put the girls he liked on a bit of a pedestal and then come on a bit too intense and scare them off. At the same time, his self-esteem had taken such a battering that he managed to miss really obvious cues from girls who were interested. My ex (who could be a bit of a prick) took the piss behind his back, I just felt really sorry for him. He was a bloody good friend who was just appalling with girls he saw as romantic interests. I still think the only reason we got together was because neither of us saw each other that way initially, we just grew into having feelings and falling in love after he supported me through an awful breakup with previously mentioned ex.

Had I met him for the first time, on internet say, and this had come up I would have been wary about the previous lack of relationships. But knowing him as a friend, I knew why it was so it wasn't a big deal. Just meant I didn't need to worry about STDs.

PicsInRed · 10/08/2020 15:54

Asexual, sensory issues, religion, other undefined issues? Have they had a serious relationship? If so, why did it end? Are they evasive about the ex? If they've never had a serious relationship, or are coy on why it ended, I would be wary.

Whatever it is, experience screams caution here. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking you're the special "one" who has drawn them into a serious relationship, when you were actually merely nearby when they decided it was time to beard up to be like everyone else and conform to pressure and expectation of friends and family.

Again, be very cautious. It's not a "no", but heed any red flags. Don't dismiss them just because he's so "nice" especially if he's so nice.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 10/08/2020 15:56

I know a couple of people, one in their 40’s, the other in their 50’s, who are probably virgins. Both have MH and self-image problems which may have held them back from having relationships.
It’s a genuine shame for the one I’m closest to as I think she’s like a relationship, but has such low sekf-esteem that she doesn’t even try to meet anyone. ☹️

unlikelytobe · 10/08/2020 15:57

This has got me wondering what defines losing one's virginity. Is it only full (penetrative?) sex or do other activities count? There are people who have had no intimacy at all and those who've done this and that but not the gone 'the whole way' or maybe had some less successful/satisfying encounters which they feel don't count.

mindutopia · 10/08/2020 16:03

I've had two close friends who were virgins until 30+. I think it both cases it was mostly an issue of not having a serious relationship until they were in their early 30s and despite their best efforts at casual relationships, the men they were meeting were mostly completely freaked out at the idea that they had never had sex before.

One did come from a culture where sex outside of marriage is traditionally pretty frowned upon (even though she and her family were very liberal and she wasn't trying not to have sex). It was more an issue of dating other men who either were from her culture and I think felt really weird about it because it was so taboo, or dating other men who weren't who also felt freaked out that somehow she shouldn't be dating them, etc.

My other friend didn't have sex through uni because she really wanted to wait for a serious relationship. She is so friendly and nice that I think she got 'friend zoned' a lot and her guy friends treated her like one of the guys, but it would have been weird if they dated. Then once she got a bit older, she really wanted to have sex (with anyone really!). But she did feel like she had to be honest with the people she was dating, and that turned out to be a real turn off. She ended up having lots of short term relationships that stopped just short of sex because guys felt like it was too big of a commitment and that it meant their relationship was getting serious if they had sex, and they ran for the hills pretty quickly.

They both are in their 30s now and have happy, normal sex lives as far as I can tell. First friend met her now dh when she was 30 and I assume they had sex fairly soon after. She's married with dc now. Second friend finally had a relationship with someone who wasn't scared off by the fact she was a virgin. It only lasted a year, but last I heard (pre-COVID), she was travelling and Tindering all over the world and having lots of fun.

fwwaftp · 10/08/2020 16:04

I was 30.
But I'd done plenty of other stuff before that.
My main problem was a phobia of getting pregnant and it wrecking my life as I really didn't want children (and still don't). And also I hadn't really met anyone at that point I trusted enough.
When I was 30 I re-met this bloke I'd had fumblings with at university and it felt like unfinished business really - so he was my first. And then the pregnancy phobia kind of disappeared. He turned out to be an arsehole though.

So no I don't think it's odd to be an older virgin. So what? The person might be religious and not believe in sex before marriage and hasn't met the person to marry; they could be asexual; they might have some issues surrounding penetration; they might not have found someone they fancied enough to have sex with. There can be any number of reasons.

JonHammIsMyJamm · 10/08/2020 16:04

In general? It’s none of my business and I can think of a few reasons why people would either not have the opportunity to have sex or would want to avoid it.

Though hypocritically, if I were on the dating scene I would give them a swerve. The pressure of the ‘first’ is a lot and the potential for terrible inexperienced fumblings (obviously you run the risk of bad sex with any new partner but surely this is increased with a total novice?) would put me off.

DanniArthur · 10/08/2020 16:05

GreyGardens88
It was her choice in keeping with her religion so hardly 'sexist claptap' Hmm

cologne4711 · 10/08/2020 16:06

When I was at uni I met someone who was 25 on a post-grad course. I was 19. He had never even kissed anyone properly and it showed. Whereas I had got to third base with a couple of guys.

I ran in the opposite direction into the arms of a 20 year old who was also a virgin but had at least "messed around" and had some idea what he was doing . Quite a lot of idea actually. And more importantly - I just fancied him a lot more. My next boyfriend was a virgin too and after him I had a fling with someone whose first time it was - but in neither case were they exactly complete beginners. By the time I met DH I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever meet anyone with prior experience of DTD though. He had!

I don't know what to think really. Maybe I was a really shallow 19 year old.

PaundryLouder · 10/08/2020 16:06

@unlikelytobe

This has got me wondering what defines losing one's virginity. Is it only full (penetrative?) sex or do other activities count? There are people who have had no intimacy at all and those who've done this and that but not the gone 'the whole way' or maybe had some less successful/satisfying encounters which they feel don't count.
Good point. I think of myself as having lost my virginity to my 2nd bf, the 1st I had PIV with, though I did everything else with my 1st bf. But some gay women will never do PIV and I wouldn't consider them virgins and would usually define sex as (trying to) bring someone else to orgasm (and/or them doing the same to you).
cologne4711 · 10/08/2020 16:07

It was her choice in keeping with her religion so hardly 'sexist claptap

I'd say keeping with her religion squarely made it sexist claptrap actually.

IDSNeighbour · 10/08/2020 16:09

I’ll be honest. It’s not about the sex But more the lack of a relationship that would raise questions to me. I’d have serious questions as to why this person has never managed to get close to someone else

This is me. I'm mid 30s and have never had a close relationship with anyone. I don't know why. I get on well with almost everyone on the surface and have loads of casual friends. But nobody close and certainly nothing romantic. I'm not happy about it but I'm not actively unhappy either. I do have some mental health problems but nothing massively serious and I know of people with far bigger issues who have marriages, relationships and lots of close friendships. I don't know, maybe some people are just made to be quite solitary?

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2020 16:09

Not everyone meets someone, that’s the issue.

JonHammIsMyJamm · 10/08/2020 16:12

Whereas I had got to third base with a couple of guys.

What’s third base?

I lost my ‘virginity’ at 15 (PIV), not particularly proud of it but it was consensual with my 16yo boyfriend. In retrospect, I was probably too young.

jessstan2 · 10/08/2020 16:13

Not odd. I did know someone who was a virgin. She was quite religious but not a member of an obscure religious group. She had been married but husband had problems, was impotent. She stayed with him for many years before the marriage was annulled. Then she hoped to find someone else to marry and have children but it didn't happen and she remained virgo intacta. It was quite sad but she did have an interesting life apart from that.

I think there are less 30 year old virgins around than in previous times.

SkaraBrae · 10/08/2020 16:13

*It was her choice in keeping with her religion so hardly 'sexist claptap

I'd say keeping with her religion squarely made it sexist claptrap actually.*

Precisely

minnieok · 10/08/2020 16:15

More common than you think. Dp revealed he was 26. He seemed a little shocked when I confessed to be 16, but I am very different personality wise. Does it matter, no, but I would be cautious as to why they hadn't had a relationship, rather than age per se

Flynn999 · 10/08/2020 16:16

Are you asking because it’s you? No I don’t think it’s odd. I think it’s probably more unusual the older you get. Some people due to religion, some people because they are painfully shy/personality. My friend was a virgin till about 28 ish. She lived a very difficult childhood and lack of confidence lead to her struggling to meet people romantically. I don’t think she ever learnt how to meet those of an opposite sex and didn’t know where to start. When your 15 everyone’s shit at being in a relationship, but your all in the same boat, when your 30 odd your dating pool consists of people who may have been married/children etc and it can be scary. Friend In question is now engaged (to someone else)

Have you met someone who’s a virgin? Similar reasons as above. If it’s because they spent their entire adult years in prison maybe proceed with caution, but if it’s simply because they haven’t ever met anyone just take it the same as you would any relationship. If you feel you like this person and you want a sexual relationship enjoy each other, just don’t feel you ‘owe’ them, especially if the relationship ends.

I worked with someone who I strongly suspected is and will always be a virgin. He’s mid 50’s lives with his mum and dad, he has a really bad stutter and I think is maybe a little slow, and I think this combined he never had the confidence to meet someone. Which is a shame. He’s a lovely guy.

Oblomov20 · 10/08/2020 16:18

I didn't have sex till later. I wanted a boyfriend, a proper more serious relationship, rather than something casual or a one night stand.
I don't think that's unreasonable.

thedaywewillremeber · 10/08/2020 16:19

Nothing it’s a very personal choice. I would assume the person had their reasons but nothing more.

HJ372 · 10/08/2020 16:19

It's not the norm to be a virgin at 30+

So yeah, it's odd.

HarryHarry · 10/08/2020 16:20

I would think the person in question probably just hasn’t met anybody they like enough to have sex with yet.

Lucky2Be · 10/08/2020 16:22

My best friend is 30 in 2 weeks & is a virgin! It's very much about religion for her though. I have so much respect for her & don't find it odd at all!

ClementineWoolysocks · 10/08/2020 16:24

I know a 50 year old virgin, she describes herself as uninterested in sex or romantic relationships. I don't think it's odd, I think too much emphasis is put on virginity being something to be ashamed of or something to be gotten rid of as soon as possible.