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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you think-30 year old virgin

220 replies

username108 · 10/08/2020 14:26

Do you know anyone who is an older virgin? Do you think its really odd for someone to still be a virgin at 30?

OP posts:
BiBabbles · 10/08/2020 15:06

Not really, there are a lot of life circumstances that can result in that. I have a friend in his mid-thirties, who is generally open, at least with us, that he's a virgin and never really dated.

Nothing to do with being religious for him, in his mid-to-late teens and early twenties he was dealing with his father's ill health and death & helping his mum and then he left home and life just sorta happened and hasn't yet involved someone else. Previously he's been fine with it, though he's made remarks in the last 6-8 months about wanting to make changes in his life including relationships.

He's a nice guy and is making strides on improvements - taking online courses, changed jobs, and such, but I think his pessimism is going to hold him back far more than any perceived oddities about being a virgin. He's the kind of guy where he'll complain he won't get overtime so won't get as much in the next paycheck and then when he gets it will complain he's working too much.

chrislilleyswig · 10/08/2020 15:10

Nothing odd about it

Doesn't have to be religious. For some people they can't meet someone for a relationship so no sex

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 10/08/2020 15:12

I’ll be honest. It’s not about the sex But more the lack of a relationship that would raise questions to me. I’d have serious questions as to why this person has never managed to get close to someone else.

RowboatsinDisguise · 10/08/2020 15:13

I think SIL might be a Virgin (late 30s). She’s never told me but she’s equally never been romantically linked to anyone and she’s not really one to socialise much. I have a work friend (mid-late 20s) who is a Virgin too. Neither of them are remotely interested in sex. Not everyone is.

buenavistabelle · 10/08/2020 15:14

I knew a 36 yr old work colleague who was a virgin. Non religious. He was fairly open about it but I'm guessing most people aren't.

Umbridge34 · 10/08/2020 15:14

I lost my virginity at 27. I just didn't meet the right person until then. My DP had no idea until I told him months later. Just wasn't a big deal to be honest.

Cam2020 · 10/08/2020 15:16

I'd think it's uncommon but none of my business. It wouldn't change my thoughts or feelings towards someone.

unnervingrabble · 10/08/2020 15:18

I'd think that they hadn't had sex and that it was none of my business.
Does it have a negative impact on your life?

Toilenstripes · 10/08/2020 15:19

Not uncommon. Not everyone is motivated by sex. I know someone who was a virgin at 39. Personally I think 15/16 is too young.

YorkshireTeaIsTheBest · 10/08/2020 15:19

I know a number.
I know a man who is 42 and never had a relationship or sex -his family is overbearing and he is a proper "Mummy boy" and they think no one is good enough for little Max and everyone is after his money.. nope!
I know 4 men who are in there 60s and virgins -all have issues and weird hobbies and I am not sure if they are aexual, or just not interested. One is certainly a woman hater.

Starlight39 · 10/08/2020 15:20

I went out with someone who had his first relationship at 27, he hadn't even kissed anyone till then. He said he was just very shy at school and after and didn't really know how to talk to girls then somehow got more confident and did some OLD at 27 and had a couple of long term relationships. He also had a very Victorian upbringing (his words) and I think that had an impact.

It wasn't really an issue as he was late 30s when we got together but he did seem about 10 years younger than me in attitude and I wondered if his late blooming had something to do with that.

rattusrattus20 · 10/08/2020 15:21

What I think of it:

(a) in a potential romantic partner - a bit of a red flag, TBH, might hint at hangups or baggage;

(b) in a colleague - totally irrelevant to our working relationship;

(c) in a platonic friend - totally irrelevant to our friendship, they might even have a few interesting perspectives on life.

Blondiney · 10/08/2020 15:22

Not odd in a bad way but it is unusual.

GreyGardens88 · 10/08/2020 15:29

@DanniArthur

I'd feel a bit bad for them if they hadnt been in a relationship as that to me is missing out on intimacy and companionship like nothing else. However, I think it is admirable for people to preserve their virginity until marriage. A friend of mine did and gave it to her husband when they got married at 28. I think that's very romantic!
Gave it to her husband? Hmm Sexist claptrap
corythatwas · 10/08/2020 15:32

More common than you think, I'd say. People have individual lives. It's not some kind of milestone you have to meet by a certain date.

chocolatviennois · 10/08/2020 15:36

Probably someone who does not want to risk getting pregnant or catching an STD from a casual relationship and hasn't yet met their life partner.

heartsonacake · 10/08/2020 15:37

I don’t think I know any older virgins, no. I admit I do find it odd, but I’d never tell them that because it’s not my business.

I do feel very sorry for them, though. Sex and intimacy is so crucial to human relationships and the human psyche you’d be missing out on so much (even if you didn’t know it or want to acknowledge it) waiting so long.

Chocolate1984 · 10/08/2020 15:38

My old flatmate was a Virgin into his 30s. He was really fat and never had a girlfriend or anyone willing to hook up with him.

PaundryLouder · 10/08/2020 15:41

I know a few...
1 religious, wouldn't do it outside marriage and has never married, so...
2 37yo guy, shy & geeky, never made much effort to meet women. Don't think he's that bothered as a relationship would eat into his hobby time
3 37yo woman, socially awkward, likes the idea of a relationship but gets anxious when guys show an interest (& the guys she likes first tend not to be interested in her)

Also know a guy who was single til his mid-30s, nice guy but a bit "eccentric" - just didn't meet the right woman for him til then.

Hyperion100 · 10/08/2020 15:41

Nothing wrong with it but they would have missed out on a lot of fun.

Kaiserin · 10/08/2020 15:44

If not religious, I would wonder if they are simply asexual/aromantic (unusual, but to each their own), or had such a busy life there was no room for sex/partners (it happens! e.g. very career-focused individuals can lead a fairly monk-like existence), or if they have lots of unresolved emotional baggage (can be more problematic)

But how would I even know, unless

  1. the person tells me (strange conversation topic, unless we're close friends)
  2. someone else tells me (nasty gossip!)

A bit of a red-flag if I wanted a relationship with the person (especially if the reason is "lots of baggage"), but wouldn't affect a friendship, as long as the person is generally pleasant to be around (people with LOTS of baggage, though... can be hard to love, even as just friends)

ClickandForget · 10/08/2020 15:45

I do know more than one person who is over 30 and not had sex with anyone. It might be a little unusual perhaps, but hardly odd. Sometimes the chips don't fall in that direction. You don't meet the right person, or you take that level of intimacy more seriously than others, life gets in the way, maybe caring or other responsibilities, shyness.

Not odd at all.

Lizadork · 10/08/2020 15:46

Would assume religious, low confidence, maybe not found the right person or not interested. Sex can feel like a complicated mess before you have it as it is so hyped up and so made to sound signifiant. The first time i had sex i was left with the feeling of "Is that it?". I wasnt radically changed or awakened etc. It took finding my now partner to actually be able to find sex fun and be able to get lost in each other. There are so many other firsts than P in V. The true intimacy of being close to someone you trust and love. It feels different.

lilgreen · 10/08/2020 15:47

It’s not odd. I have no idea who is a Virgin and who isn’t. If you don’t meet the right person, what should you do? Are you saying you should just have a one night stand to lose your virginity??

lockdownalli · 10/08/2020 15:48

Yes I know someone late 20s who has never had a relationship or had sex. They just have very high standards which I think is to be applauded to be honest.

I wish my standards had been existent higher Blush