to ask what you think-30 year old virgin

[username108]

Do you know anyone who is an older virgin? Do you think its really odd for someone to still be a virgin at 30?

I was an early bloomer and became sexually active around my 15th birthday; I can’t remember which side of my birthday l actually was, but now in my 40s and no regrets. I certainly never thought l had “lost” my virginity, which is a male created value.

Sex for me is a combination of pleasure and stress relief. Rather than odd, I think missing out is rather sad. Missing out on quality sex means missing out on so much.

The whole “virginty” concept was a male created thing to keep women “pure”.

Well, firstly I doubt I'd ever need to know. I'd just assume they were/used to be religious.

If not religious I guess I'd probably wonder why - socially anxious or didn't have a high sex drive maybe. Either way I wouldn't care - not my business

Oh for heaven’s sake don’t have sex with someone you’re not attracted to!!!

Op it sounds as though you might have the start of a relationship here. Forget about the sex and see how it goes. There are so many other ways of being intimate and I think if you wait a bit and find out more about each other, then if you like him get closer and share kisses etc, the eventual sex will be so much better than a clumsy fumble with a guy you’re not sure about.

The whole “virginty” concept was a male created thing to keep women “pure”.

This isn't actually true. Christian teaching is that men are to be pure, too; sex is supposed to be only within marriage. The problem is that women have always been judged more harshly than men for not being pure, because of misogyny, and sadly that's still the case now.

There's a lot of hypocrisy about the issue of human sexuality in a lot of churches, sadly. Teenagers are taught that there should be no sex outside marriage while at the same time women are told not to report their husbands for sexual abuse of their children.

The whole “virginty” concept was a male created thing to keep women “pure”

It certainly is, primarily for the purposes of being able to control the patrilineal flow of wealth from father to (legitimate) son.

Your 'virginity' - if we're going to trad way and defining it as the presence or absence of an intact hymen -- is a little flap of skin most of us with active lifestyles don't retain until the first time we have PIV sex anyway.

I personally don't judge anyone for their sexual choices. I grew up being raped and when I was 13 nearly 14 met a boyfriend who made me feel safe and we had sex soon after my 14th birthday. I then went on to have many sexual encounters and partners in my teens and twenties (I'd estimate maybe 80) as it was almost my way of having control over my sexuality when it had been taken away from me at a young age.

I used to envy those who got the choice of when to lose their virginity. Now I don't think anything of whatever age they are/were. You never know the story behind it so please don't judge.

Dear OP

I am really sorry for the situation you find yourself, but whilst not having sex may be the result of the issues you have had, it in itself is not the problem.

I would not tell you how to or when to lose your virginity, but I do think having sex may not give you the peace and happiness you think it will.
I would suggest you may want to work on other parts of our life and social life, and this will allow you have the life you want and meet the kind of ppl that will make your eyes twinkle

@Mittens030869

There's a lot of hypocrisy about the issue of human sexuality in a lot of churches, sadly. Teenagers are taught that there should be no sex outside marriage while at the same time women are told not to report their husbands for sexual abuse of their children.

The last part of that is absolutely not the view in any mainstream church.

The whole thing of “lost” virginity sums sexist attitudes up. If you lose something you can find it again. I didn’t lose anything. I gained womanhood.

@TomPinch

I don't think it's a view that's officially taught in any churches (I've never heard it said from the pulpit). It's what is said privately said to victims; it was said to my DSis and me as children growing up in an independent evangelical church.

I thought things had changed since then (this was the late 70s and early 80s), as there are now DBS checks on those working with children. But then a friend found out that her husband had been abusing her teenage DD (his SD), and her pastor (who was also pastor to my very vulnerable DB) told her she shouldn't report it to the police because 'it would bring shame on the church'. He also said that she was to blame 'for not being a good enough wife'.

I'm not saying that all church leaders in independent churches are like this. An elder in the church where we grew up, who is still a very good family friend, was very keen to report what happened to us to the police when we disclosed our SA to him.

@StarlightLady

The whole thing of “lost” virginity sums sexist attitudes up. If you lose something you can find it again. I didn’t lose anything. I gained womanhood.

Excellent way to view it.

I've always been amused by the term "losing" you virginity. I sort of imagine people lifting cushions and looking under bookcases "It must be here somewhere - I had it just a minute ago." . . .

I lost my virginity just short of my 21st birthday. Wasn't a particularly positive experience. My more mature self would not want to have sex with someone I didn't know, trust and at least like a bit!

I gained womanhood.

So what about all the women who haven’t yet had or don’t get the opportunity to have sex or simply choose not to? Do they never “gain womanhood”?

I think equating a lack of sexual experience with never reaching “man” or “woman” hood is equally as damaging as tradition virginity narratives.

I gained womanhood.

^*So what about all the women who haven’t yet had or don’t get the opportunity to have sex or simply choose not to? Do they never “gain womanhood”?

I think equating a lack of sexual experience with never reaching “man” or “woman” hood is equally as damaging as tradition virginity narratives.*^

And what about those of us who were sexually abused, and from a very young age? That was hardly 'gaining womanhood', was it?

And what about those of us who were sexually abused, and from a very young age? That was hardly 'gaining womanhood', was it? hmm

Exactly.

I was until 27.....i wasn't into going to the pub etc and going home with some random, i wasn't into one night stands. I seen friends jumping from one person to another and that wasn't what i wanted for myself.

”I didn’t lose anything. I gained womanhood.”

That’s gross.
What about women (or men) who haven’t had sex? Maybe never will?
Whatever their reasons may be.
What, they stay in some kind of child-like state?

Sounds as awful as those type of women who claim giving birth = ”womanhood”.

Firstly it’s none of my business, so I hope that person wouldn’t worry what people thought as it’s none of anyone else’s concern.

It’s unusual when you compare it to averages, but there could be a multitude of reasons - religion, culture, trauma, disability, holding out for the right person, not something that is deemed important to that individual, difficulty meeting and connecting with people, shyness, or just not having the opportunity for whatever reason.

@Mittens030869

In my younger days, back in the 90s, I knew lots of people in independent evangelical churches and I never heard anything like that. I was CofE myself, and know that my parish church would never have countenanced it. I remember a member of my church disclosing the sexual abuse she suffered when younger. She did this from the pulpit, to the congregation, as far as I know with the permission of the vicar and PCC. I was far to shy to tell her how much I admired her bravery, not just in disclosing what happened to her but in the way she did so.

The thought that anyone should ever tell anyone to stay quiet makes me feel very angry. As for your pastor, the expression "whited sepulchre" springs to mind.

I know someone in their 60s who’s a virgin.
He works with me. He’s very socially awkward and wouldn’t be surprised if he had aspergers or something similar. He admitted a few years ago that he’d never been with a woman. I think a lot of people found him a bit ‘odd’, he’s a
lovely guy though, would do anything for anyone, very intelligent. It’s just sad that he’s never found anyone.

I’d have to thinks it’s unusual but not odd. Some people take sex very seriously for all kinds of reasons and just never meet that person until then or later.

It's odd as in unusual, but it wouldn't put me off a partner if they ticked all the other boxes. Much better to have somebody who just hadn't met the right person or never wanted casual sex than to have a shagger/player.