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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want husband there when I give birth?

999 replies

potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:00

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP posts:
2155User · 10/08/2020 13:01

It's totally up to you who you want to be near you in that time. Whoever you feel with support you the most is the best, however I do think it's very odd that you clearly aren't comfortable around your husband

Dogssox · 10/08/2020 13:02

Yanbu

Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:02

Calling me odd is not supportive. I feel comfortable around him, I felt comfortable around my mum and dad, it doesn’t mean I want them there when I’m in agony naked and bleeding. That’s made me feel utter shit. So thanks.

OP posts:
Polkasquare · 10/08/2020 13:04

It's completely your decision. He can support you before you go into actual labour and he can be there afterwards.

Theworldisfullofgs · 10/08/2020 13:05

I would have been quite happy being on my own. You need to do what works for you.

Lazypuppy · 10/08/2020 13:05

Its up to you OP but i also think its odd, it won't just be in the labpur you'll feel like that.when ypu are hkme with baby you will be feeding, dealing with breastfeeding (if you do,or trying to dry up your milk if not) all of these are things i wanted support from my partner with.

I personally think it such a special moment when your chils is born for both parents to be there

Wannabegreenfingers · 10/08/2020 13:06

What does he want? Most men want to be at the birth of their children.

Your reason are a bit woolly to be honest. You got pregnant so you husband has clearly seen you naked before. You only need to be naked from the waist down, if it really bothers you.

Your giving birth, not ill. People will not be flapping around you, they are professionals .

Unless your husband is on board with this, I'm sorry but you are being selfish.

I've given birth twice, one horrendous birth one, straight forward. Both times my stbexh was in the room and I absolutely wouldn't have denied him this.

ChocoholicMama · 10/08/2020 13:06

Do whatever you’re comfortable with. You may not know what you want until the time, but you can always change your mind when the time comes. Bear in mind it is quite helpful to have someone there who can help speak up if you need, although my hubby didn’t as I was quite good at telling the docs no without any help! This time I’ll be in by myself as someone needs to watch the toddler. Don’t feel you need to do what everyone else does, it’s a very individual choice. Xxx

Minai · 10/08/2020 13:08

Yanbu and ultimately it is up to you but it is useful to have someone there. I didn’t particularly want DH there but he wanted to be there to support me. In some ways I didn’t like having him there. I didn’t like the indignity of some parts of labour and having him there to see all of that and at times he really annoyed me. I felt like I wanted to be left alone and having him tell me to breathe, calm down, trying to reassure me by having his hand on my leg etc just annoyed me and I was telling him to F off 😂 but I am actually glad he was there as he could advocate for me when I couldn’t myself. He was able to go tell the midwives I needed more pain relief and stuck up for me when I needed it. I had complications after the birth and I wasn’t able to hold the baby for several hours and when I could I wasn’t well enough to look after him for a couple of days so in retrospect I am very glad DH was there so Ds was held and cared for in his first few hours when I couldn’t.

Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:09

Seeing me naked when having sex on a bed in a dark room after I’ve had a shower etc is very different to stark hospital light when I’m giving birth. Can people honestly not see this?

And no it’s not being ill but I said quite clearly very ill or in pain, giving birth is painful.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 10/08/2020 13:09

Don't feel pressurised to conform; do whatever feels right for you. I'm sure a lot of men would be glad to be let off the hook! We seem to have gone very quickly from 'no men allowed' to 'no excuses for non-attendance accepted.'

pickingdaisies · 10/08/2020 13:09

OP expect some unsupportive responses here. Another OP was given a hard time the other day because her husband looked "down there" during a difficult birth when she had told both him and the doctor that she didn't want it to happen. According to some , during childbirth the person going through it is the only one whose feelings don't count. So no, you are not unreasonable to feel what you feel. It's your body, your decision. But be prepared to have to stand your ground.

BumbleNova · 10/08/2020 13:10

OP - I mean this kindly, have you had any antenatal classes/ done any reading about labour? Have you had a conversation with your husband about what you want/ don't want?

You wishes are important. I am sure you husband will want to support you, in whatever way you want. Do you know what in particular worries you? Is it being vulnerable in front of him?

Personally I would not have coped without my DH but we are all different.

Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:10

Minai it’s exactly stuff like that I’m worried about such as holding my hand and rubbing my back, which I know will get on my nerves. He will be about as much use as a chocolate fire guard with telling midwives anything! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:11

You can’t do any antenatal classes at the moment where I am, so I can’t.

OP posts:
EllaAlright · 10/08/2020 13:12

What does your husband think about it?

Ultimately it’s your decision, I personally wouldn’t have denied my children’s father being there to see his children being born. It’s quite a special moment, but I appreciate we are all different.

KitKatastrophe · 10/08/2020 13:12

@potatoesandonions

Calling me odd is not supportive. I feel comfortable around him, I felt comfortable around my mum and dad, it doesn’t mean I want them there when I’m in agony naked and bleeding. That’s made me feel utter shit. So thanks.
I dont think you should have asked if such a mild response made you "feel like shit". Sorry but it is odd not to want to be naked around your husband - he must have seen you naked before!

You dont have to be naked to give birth. In fact from watching programmes like "One Born Every Minute" the majority of women are not naked (although maybe that's because they're on TV?).

You could wear a night dress or similar and ask your husband not to go near the "business end", as it were, if you dont want him to see that.

I think you are unreasonable to deny your husband seeing his child being born.

MsMD · 10/08/2020 13:12

Your body, your choice.

22Giraffes · 10/08/2020 13:12

I think it's odd and also sad for your husband, his child is being born and you want to shut him out. Yes childbirth is a vulnerable time and often your sense of dignity goes out the window but it's also magical and something he deserves to be a part of.

You haven't mentioned anything about him that make me think he would be judging you, your body or your behaviour so based on that YABU and selfish.

2155User · 10/08/2020 13:12

@potatoesandonions

You asked if you were being unreasonable. You can't just decide how people will respond.

I do think it's odd/bizarre, perfectly entitled to feel like that. My post was supportive.

You seem very sensitive

Mybobowler · 10/08/2020 13:12

Do whatever you're comfortable with, but definitely have this conversation with him.

Before I gave birth, I was very clear to my partner that I didn't know how I would respond to labour, I couldn't promise to be polite, and that just I needed him to listen and respond to me.

In the end, during my labour I completely turned in on myself and tuned both DP and midwife out. I could have been alone or there could have been a hundred people in there - I wouldn't have known either way.

You have a right to set your own boundaries and for those boundaries to be respected. It's not "odd", we all have different levels of what we're comfortable with, but you really should discuss this with your DH ahead of time. Good luck, and try not to worry!

partysong · 10/08/2020 13:13

The only thing I would want you to consider is the role of advocacy - I was off my face on gas and air but desperately wanted a rude trainee out of the room. I couldn't have communicated that alone, but DH knew me and could communicate it on my behalf

KitKatastrophe · 10/08/2020 13:13

@potatoesandonions

Minai it’s exactly stuff like that I’m worried about such as holding my hand and rubbing my back, which I know will get on my nerves. He will be about as much use as a chocolate fire guard with telling midwives anything! Grin
Tell him in advance that you dont want him to hold your hand or rub your back etc. In labour you get a free pass to tell him to "get the hell off" if he is doing something you dont like.
Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:13

That’s why I’m asking ella, I really don’t want to deny him that but part of me thinks that my wishes should be paramount here to be honest.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/08/2020 13:14

It's your choice @potatoesandonions but please don't be offended that others may not share your view.

You don't have to be naked (if this is a big barrier to having your partner there?)

You don't have to attend to him or worry about him. If he is being annoying then tell him to pack it in.

Will he be able to come and wait outside until baby arrives? Or do you not want him there full stop?

My DP was the only person I wanted with me. Most things I can grin and bare and do it alone but not giving birth (if DP hadn't been able to be there for some reason I'd have not wanted anyone else instead so I'd have gone with just the MW's, so I get you to a degree!)