To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

It's ok, OP. This idea that birth is a spectator sport and that expectation that men should be there for "the moment" is a relatively new thing in the grand scheme of things.

Personally, I had my husband with me for the birth of our daughter but if we have a second I think I'd be more likely to go it alone. My birth was fraught and traumatic and I felt as though having him there didn’t help. I could also tell that he was trying to hold it together and was struggling. I know that it wasn't a pleasant experience for him.

I often look back and think how much nicer it might have been to just have him come in later, once I was all stitched up and clean, and have been able to introduce him to his daughter in a really calm, lovely way, rather than the screaming and bleeding and all the rest of it.

If I have a second, I think I'd prefer that, and I think secretly so would he, even though I know he'd be there if I asked.

Your husband has a lifetime to bond with your baby and whether or not he has a ringside seat to him/her physically emerging from your body is not going to change that.

@potatoesandonions

People are leaping on the naked thing and it isn’t fair. I’ve explained it isn’t just that. But also rightly or wrongly it’s the type of nakedness. I don’t mind for example a quick flash getting changed for swimming or the gym. I wouldn’t however choose to stand there naked, some women do, no problem, but not for me.

You realise you don't HAVE to be naked do you??? Even water births I've seen they had a bra on and most women wear a hospital gown

They don't take your clothes at the maternity unit door!

I've had two quite complicated births, for different reasons, and wanted to reassure you as you can't do antenatal classes, that not everyone has a frightening experience - in both of mine, I had some pain but wasn't overwhelmed by it; the sort that made me want to close my eyes and power through it, rather than run away.

I didn't scream, shout or swear at all, in either birth - I was mostly quiet and focused, and I felt in safe hands and was either able to communicate what I needed or didn't feel it was important enough to need to be communicated. For the first, I wore a big loose beach-shirt over a soft wireless bra, and for the second I wore a surgical gown, and wasn't ever naked. It really doesn't need to be a trauma; I've been through much more emotionally traumatic experiences than either birth, despite complications.

Whatever you decide about your DH, please don't spend time dreading the birth; whatever comes along, you'll find the strength to handle it.

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

You might. It happens.

I think YABU, and definitely odd. It’s his child too, and if he wants to be there you should give strong consideration to this. You can always keep him up the head end!

Honestly, when it all kicks off you won’t even care about this sort of thing .

I have had two children.:my dh was not there for either; he is very squeamish and I am quite private about bodily matters. Giving birth is not like having sex (at least in my experience). I put my trust in the midwives who were lovely and he came in when the babies were out and was the first to hold them apart from midwives. It was lovely. Do what you feel is right for you, you may change your mind half way through or you might not. You’re not ‘odd’.

I believe there is some evidence that women give birth faster and/or more easily if they don't have their partner present as they can focus better on themselves and the birth rather than worrying about what their other half is thinking, doing or saying.
Having said that I can see that if things are going wrong it may be helpful to have someone with you and your husband may want to be there.

What's the point in asking questions if you only want certain answers that you want to hear? Very odd.

Really helpful sruitfalad

Of course he isn’t a sperm donor! He will be I am sure a fabulous and devoted dad. But that starts when the baby is there. Not when it’s emerging! I don’t want to deny him the experience but I just don’t feel comfortable, surely I can feel as I do without justifying it!

worra didn’t even bother to read it. Wasting your time.

Which is ironic as many MNetters are also constantly criticising men for not stepping up & being there for their children & partners

@potatoesandonions

People are leaping on the naked thing and it isn’t fair. I’ve explained it isn’t just that. But also rightly or wrongly it’s the type of nakedness. I don’t mind for example a quick flash getting changed for swimming or the gym. I wouldn’t however choose to stand there naked, some women do, no problem, but not for me.

Just my experience but for both my births I was clothed. For my son I had a top and bra on the whole time. When my leggings and pants came off I had a sheet wrapped round me. That only came off at the business moment.

For my water birth I had a tankini top on and my bottom half was in the water. The midwife does need to look up there but that's her job right?

Also the lights were low. In both the labour ward and birth centre. Full lights will only go on if you ask or they need it.

I am listening l8, I just feel it is unfair to be called names on that basis. Some of these responses are awful.

@potatoesandonions

Seeing me naked when having sex on a bed in a dark room after I’ve had a shower etc is very different to stark hospital light when I’m giving birth. Can people honestly not see this?

And no it’s not being ill but I said quite clearly very ill or in pain, giving birth is painful.

No need to be snarky with people who've taken the time to respond to you, particularly when at this point they've got experience of the thing you're asking about and you haven't

Ultimately do whatever you want, it's your body.

I mean this is the nicest way, but you seem to be very very insecure, have you always been like this? Does he make comments about your appearance and how you behave? Did your parents? I think it’s worth exploring why you feel this way.

Up to you.

DH was with me and tbh we both just ended up traumatised by it rather than just me. Not saying I didn't appreciate him being there, and he was helpful, but it took him a while to get over the whole thing.

@welldonesquirrels

This idea that birth is a spectator sport and that expectation that men should be there for "the moment" is a relatively new thing in the grand scheme of things. *

According to Call the Midwife it's not "new" - pretty sure the last series was up to the 1960s and men were allowed into labour wards with their wives then 🤣 so men have had a good 60 years of it

@Inthemuckheap

Do those of you saying it's a woman's choice see your DH/DP's purely as sperm donors?

No, but I sure as fuck see myself as the one who gets to decide whether I want spectators while I labour and potentially puke and shit myself. Do you see women purely as incubators of spectator sports?

This is the kind of inane guilt trips given to women who want to decide for themselves who, if anyone, sees them giving birth. As if, you know, it's them who have to go through it and they deserve their patient confidentiality and personal autonomy. Don't listen to people like this, OP. This is literally all they've got. OH YOU HATE MEN YOU NASTY MEANIE YOU!

It’s up to you. I do agree it seems a little odd that you and your husband have not sat down and discussed this - including what he thinks about it. There are quite a lot of online antenatal classes available and sounds like you may (both) benefit from attending some and having a bit of a grown up discussion about what you are about to go through.

I Am not without sympathy - currently 35 weeks pregnant with my second and first time around was very nervous (my husband and I are not the types really to discuss bodily functions / go to the loo in front of each other). But in truth he was the one I wanted in the day to help with all of the above !!

@potatoesandonions I don't think it's weird or bizarre at all. I gave birth on Thursday and part way through the whole process i was stood against the bath and had OH and two midwives staring at me.. at that point in time i could have told them all to p off!! I was worried about what i looked like, my involuntary actions (wee, poo, blood, waters 😂) what faces i was making, people seeing my bits. However, by the time i gave birth and it was all over and done with i really couldn't have cared less about OH seeing me in a state. Even though i understand exactly where you are coming from, it's a lovely moment and i think you'll regret it if he's not there with you!

If you don't want him there, you don't want him there. Completely up to you.
My mum was with me the first time because the father wasn't involved, it was a very long labour and I felt sorry for her, she was great though but I basically just had to ignore her.
DP got lucky with the second, I was only in labour in hospital for about 2 hours and basically ignored him aswell. He wasn't much help, but there's really nothing he could have done to help.
I'm glad they were there, but that's personal preference. Everyone is different.

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

Very possibly. Labour can be incredibly intense and sometimes you need someone who isn’t in pain to speak on your behalf.

@potatoesandonions

People are leaping on the naked thing and it isn’t fair. I’ve explained it isn’t just that. But also rightly or wrongly it’s the type of nakedness. I don’t mind for example a quick flash getting changed for swimming or the gym. I wouldn’t however choose to stand there naked, some women do, no problem, but not for me.

I think perhaps AIBU was the wrong forum for you. You should perhaps repost this in Pregnancy, where you might get more of the support you’re looking for. Or, you could, you know, speak to your husband and get real life support. Surely he matters to you to some degree?

As the person going through the birth your wishes are paramount. However I don’t think my husband would have forgiven me for banning him from the birth of our kids.
Also I don’t understand why you would be naked if you don’t want to be. I wasn’t for the first. For the second I was but that was an emergency c-section.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I thought I was quite quiet during my second labour (I knew I was loud during the first as the midwife kept telling me to quiet down) but apparently no I wasn’t.

I was still yelling really loud

People are just sharing their experiences having been through it. Just go with the flow and you are allowed to change your plans/mind even when in labour. It doesn't have to be regimented. Unclench and think about your husband as well. Its an experience that can also be wonderful shared experience.

@Angelina82

Uh oh here we go again. Do what you want OP, it doesn’t matter what your husband wants and anyone who says it does is a misogynist and thinks rape should be legalised 🙄

Ah you’re back! And being your delightful self as usual.