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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want husband there when I give birth?

999 replies

potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:00

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

OP posts:
Burnthurst187 · 10/08/2020 13:25

I think that you need to do what you're most comfortable with. OH may well be hurt, offended, unhappy etc but hopefully he'll understand your reasons

On the other hand, he might not want to be there!?

Soubriquet · 10/08/2020 13:26

I agree with what others are saying

Yes it’s your choice but it’s strange that you are so uncomfortable about him being in the room especially since it’s his baby that’s being born too.

Are you going go request complete privacy if you decide to breastfeed too?

Where does it end?

Scubalubs87 · 10/08/2020 13:26

In the moment, you may want very different things than you think you want now. I thought I’d want to feel covered up and I’d be a bit embarrassed stripping off to deliver. Quite frankly, I couldn’t get my clothes of quick enough. My inhibitions went out of the video. I just wanted that baby out!

In some respects, my husband might as well have not been in the room. He mostly sat in the corner quietly after a bit his head off. He didn’t really know what he needed do but I’m certainly not the sort of person who needed him stroking my back and whispering encouragement in my ear - that would have driven me nuts. But, I still would have wanted him there. As much as I didn’t actually need him there to give birth, it was the moments post birth that were wonderful. I can vividly remember seeing the realisation that he was a father wash over him and watching him hold his son for the first time. I’m pretty sure he had a new found respect for me having watched me bring our son into the world too.

Magenta83 · 10/08/2020 13:26

In the end it is absolutely your choice and you get the final decision. I think your DH deserves a conversation and explanation. If he is a good partner he should respect your choice and any disappointment should be minimal. I think people are being fair by saying this is an unusual choice but there's no need to be hurt by that.

For my labour my DH was incredibly helpful. He gave me strength through the pain and he supported me when our baby was very ill. I know other friends who have wanted their mum or a friend there instead.

tbtf · 10/08/2020 13:26

Please look into antenatal classes online, there's a lot to learn about your choices.

I wasn't naked, there were no stark hospital lights, I didn't scream. I wasn't silent but I made noises more like a moo.

You can do whatever you want, and what you think you want now might not be what you want at the time.

Lilybet1980 · 10/08/2020 13:26

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?
Without meaning to scare you, yes, you may lose the ability to speak for yourself. With my first I have whole periods of time that I have no recollection of, I was in so much pain I could hardly speak.
Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:27

There is a big difference between breastfeeding and giving birth, can people really not see this?

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/08/2020 13:27

You only have sex in the dark after a shower? You don't want your husband touching you during labour?

I don't want to sound mean OP but I think you might have some buried issues which need to be addressed

ChanklyBore · 10/08/2020 13:27

Thoughts on self consciousness might go out the window for some people but they did not for me. I was pushing a baby out and needing to change position, asking the midwife to give me my towel so I could drape it around my waist so there wouldn’t be a moment of flashing during the position change. I was locking myself in the bathroom alone minutes after birth to clean myself up and wash properly. It mattered to me.

Temple29 · 10/08/2020 13:27

I get where you’re coming from OP. My DH wanted to be there when I gave birth and I did agree but with strict instructions that he couldn’t look down there and had to stay by my head during the birth. The midwife covered me with a sheet because she knew I didn’t want him to see baby coming out.

In terms of the actual labour and being in pain etc I wouldn’t have noticed if he burst into flame so any self conscious feelings you might have about that won’t even register in your head at the time. And it gives the DP a great perspective of what we go through.

The moment the baby is born is definitely worth sharing with him though because it’s amazing so I would consider allowing him be there if you can.

shushymcshush · 10/08/2020 13:27

YANBU.

You do what you want. Do what feels right and most comfortable to you. Its not a fun thing all rosy and delightful. If he's not helpful then don't have him there.

I was in labour from midnight until CS & my DS born at noon. I did the first 5 hrs on my own (my choice), phoned DM and she arrived at 5am. Phoned DH at 9am, but had him wait outside because he is useless at anything like that, doesn't have a clue about medical things and is squeamish and would end up passing out and needing medical attention.

Do agree with PP about an advocate though, someone who knows you and will fight your corner. DM was ideal cos she is good at this kind of thing, plus I was suffering from gestational diabetes and needed to do blood prick tests during the labour. DM could do it no prob, DH would have been in a heap.

Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:28

I have sex when I feel comfortable spare, I’m not going to go charging through the house naked before leaping on OH with the light on because other people might think I have issues.

Maybe I do. They are MY issues.

OP posts:
00100001 · 10/08/2020 13:29

And you might not lose the ability to speak, but you might lose the ability to think clearly or about anything other than managing the pain.

So when Midwife or Dr is rattling choices off at you, you may not be able to form a reply in your mind, let alone answer the question.

2155User · 10/08/2020 13:29

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

You genuinely might.
You might be off your chops on every pain relief going.
Or they may have to put you under general anaesthetic in an emergency.

A friends DH has to sign a form declaring who he wished to 'let die' in the emergency, his wife or baby, it got that bad.

So yes, I don't want to worry you, but sometimes you won't be able to speak for yourself

marauder1994 · 10/08/2020 13:30

@potatoesandonions have you spoken to husband about this? He might be completely fine with you doing it on your own?

Or he might have some good points/ compromises he can make? Xx

WorraLiberty · 10/08/2020 13:31

Are you always this dramatic OP?

'Charging through the house naked'

'Parading around naked'

Your language is very extreme.

Geppili · 10/08/2020 13:31

Op I felt like this! After two kids, I still hate it if my husband sees me naked! I asked my DH to stay with me during the births and to stay at my head end! He did. Just be really specific and assertive in your birth plan. But also realise that births can be different from what you have planned. I don't even like being in a swimsuit in front of my husband and he is so lovely! You are not odd at all.

Wowcherarestalkingme · 10/08/2020 13:31

As others have said it’s your body and your decision. You need to have a discussion with your husband. To be honest I was nervous about what would happen and how undignified it would all feel as I am quite a private person. However once I was in the throws of labour they could have sent a marching band through my room and I wouldn’t have noticed. I went very into myself and didn’t even really hear the midwives

sruitfalad · 10/08/2020 13:31

Hmmmmm, I think it's very odd too. You were happy to make a baby with him (presumably naked) but don't him there when the baby arrives... labour is such an unpredictable time and you'll need someone close there if things don't go to plan.

How does your husband feel about this?

Ladybirdlashes · 10/08/2020 13:32

I’m like you in that when I was in labour I just retreated into myself and focused on doing what I had to - but that’s why having my dp there was perfect. He could tell I didn’t want to talk and all the questions the midwives asked he could answer for me which I was grateful for. He also held the gas and air for me.
I also was paranoid about being naked before hand however for one, you don’t have to labour totally naked and your dh can stay up the top where he’s not going to see anything - just get a nightie or something and two, in the moment I can genuinely say I didn’t give a f*ck, I didn’t care that I had a room full of midwives and drs or that dp could see everything going on I just went into my zone and zoned everything else out until dd was safely delivered. As I was so in my zone dp was also very good for telling me what happened later on as I’d been so exhausted and high on gas and air I didn’t know why the room went from one midwife to full of medics.
I do think it would be quite mean to deprive your dh of Witnessing the first moments of his child’s life - and if something was to wrong I think you would need him and he deserves to be there, but that’s my opinion you need to figure out what works for both you and your dh.

justanotherneighinparadise · 10/08/2020 13:32

All I can offer is my own experience. I had him there with my first, he couldn’t be there with my second. With my first the labour was long and do for s lot of the time he was just sitting playing with his phone. He did try and run my back at one stage per the antenatal session we’d gone to but I told him to leave me alone so he did 🤭. Then I went through a crazy oxytocin high where I showered him with love and even spontaneously had an orgasm would you believe! Then tjey decided I’d been labouring for too long and put me in that horrendous drip and I called the world abs their mother cunts for the rest of the time. He was massively helpful at the end when I’d pretty much decided everything was pointless and the baby wasn’t going to get out of me and right at the end when they tried to hand the baby to me I didn’t want to know and he held our child beautifully while I went through some more pain delivering the placenta.

So all in all it was a roller coaster but it was a shared experience and I’m glad he was there. With DC2 I was on my own and luckily it didn’t matter as my body knew what to do and the labour was short.

It’s worth saying that birthing partners can be very useful if you have specific things you don’t want to happen. For example no epidural or no forceps. When you’re in pain you get very agreeable to everything and will just say yes, yes, yes. It’s good to have someone speak for you and DP did that well for me at times when he wasn’t hsppy with what was going on.

Yeahnahmum · 10/08/2020 13:32

You don't want him to see you naked...sweating and screaming
How did you manage to make a baby op Grin
Also you could just mmmm you know : talk to the man. Tell him what you expect from him and what you don't want him to do. He is not there to have a baby.he is just there to give you a hand when you need him. Or to tell of some annoying medical student . Or to get you some snacks. A drink. Anything. A mancan be very helpful in labour :)

00100001 · 10/08/2020 13:32

@Wowcherarestalkingme

As others have said it’s your body and your decision. You need to have a discussion with your husband. To be honest I was nervous about what would happen and how undignified it would all feel as I am quite a private person. However once I was in the throws of labour they could have sent a marching band through my room and I wouldn’t have noticed. I went very into myself and didn’t even really hear the midwives
Similar here!
Original poster
potatoesandonions · 10/08/2020 13:33

worra no is the short answer to that.

I don’t like flapping and fussing. I have been called selfish, odd, bizarre, been questioned extensively about breastfeeding and my sex life.

I would prefer it if you didn’t respond, as you just seem to want to bait me. Thank you.

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 10/08/2020 13:33

Sorry OP. I do think YABU. It is his child also. Why would anyone want to take that away from someone who is going to be a DF? I find it strange so many people are saying its your choice only. Its a journey you have gone into together so he should have some say in this decision

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