To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

Honestly OP I couldn’t have imagined going through labour without my DH. He’s the one person in this world I feel so comfortable with that I can be vulnerable around him. He held my hand when I wanted and left me when I asked. He held me through my c-section and I couldn’t have cared less how naked I was around him. I think it’s sad you’re going to deny him being at the birth of his child. Ultimately it’s up to you and it’s your decision but I’m not sure you’re making the decision for the right reasons?

It’s completely your decision, however, like others have said it’s very strange to feel so uncomfortable with the thought of your husband seeing you naked and vulnerable that you’d rather give birth alone, it is highly unusual.

YABVU imo.

Because of your own insecurities you're willing to deny your partner the chance to see their child being born?

Being a parent or being in a loving relationship means taking everyone's feelings into consideration and sometimes compromising on what we find comfortable for the good of everyone. Maybe you should consider that before shooting down suggestions from PP who are trying to help? If the boot was on the other foot and your partner was the incubator I doubt you'd be happy to miss the birth of your baby.

@potatoesandonions my partner wasn't present for my labour. He came literally for the actual birth. I don't even remember him being there properly as I was focusing on the midwives and consultant (they needed the baby out) and he came into theatre with me when our baby was born. If you don't want him there then don't have him there or have him for the bits you may be comfortable with. I really didn't care towards the end, but I did for the majority of my labour. I enjoyed being on my own with just the midwives.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

You only have sex in the dark after a shower? You don't want your husband touching you during labour?

I don't want to sound mean OP but I think you might have some buried issues which need to be addressed

This. Of course you are perfectly entitled to have whoever you want at the birth, but this is the bit that stood out as a bit strange to me.

I wish my husband hadn’t been there. There I was shitting, looking shit, bleeding and he was useless. Twice. Just a lesson in loss of dignity. If you already know he will be useless then he will be useless. Ignore all the rosy eyed women with probably annoying to me but helpful hubs - nothing odd about wanting them out of the way!

I think its a bit strange tbh. I know you are giving birth but to deny him being there for the birth of his child is very extreme and controlling. You will have so much going on that you will only focus on what's important - listening to the professionals and managing your comfort. This won't matter when you are in the throes.

Also you don’t have to be naked. I had to birth in a hospital bed as I was high risk and I had a nightie on the whole time. I wasn’t naked.

@potatoesandonions It’s not just nakedness. It’s sweating, pain, discomfort, screaming, - yeah none of this actually happens, you know. Maybe it will make you feel better.

You will not be naked, you will not have to be. You can wear a long shirt, night-dress, anything really. There is pain but no reason to scream (like in the movies) although we are all different.

I personally would not deny my OH the chance, if he wants to be there. Just tell him what not to do, or what to do. It's communication, basic stuff.

And candle suppose I tried to tell you over and over you were odd and bizarre for WANTING that.

Imagine if I said how strange it was you wanted him to see you incontinent and in agony, you’d think I was unreasonable. That’s how I feel, in reverse.

I’m a bit baffled to be honest. And I don’t know how to answer.

It’s of course your right to say who can/cannot be in that room, and in the 9 months between conception and birth sometimes people fall out and fathers aren’t present.

But if this is someone you’re in a committed and loving relationship with then sure it doesn’t matter if he sees you at not your best. Because depending on how birth goes he might see you at your most magnificent, or you might need him there to advocate for you.

Honestly, it is an unusual stance, and I think you need to appreciate that. Even if it’s not what you want to do, many women do choose their parenting partner as their birth partner, and for a first child you become parents in that room, it’s a shame not to want to start that journey together.

I also find it strange that you’re worried about your appearance in front of him? Has he done anything to make you feel not pretty? Is it a case of normally wearing lots of makeup/being well put together?

There is a big difference between breastfeeding and giving birth, can people really not see this?

Actually in the early days I know many women (myself included) who have theirs boobs out for most of the time. It's just easier

Whilst BF'ing is nothing like delivering the baby, the whole naked issue still stands??? And it's is ongoing.... how will you ever feed in front of people? Or outside of the house? You can cover up I suppose but you can cover up in labour too!

When I gave birth I ended up completely deaf and blind to everything.

All I could focus on was the pain.

The midwife was telling me to stop pushing, and the overwhelming uncontrollable urge to push was overwhelming me to the point where I couldn’t push.

It took my dh being very sharp and firm in my ear to stop me from pushing. Everything else was tuned out

I also couldn’t speak if my life depended on it

Your wishes are paramount.

You can do online antenatal classes and I strongly encourage you to do this before making a final decision.

You can then have a conversation with your husband about your wishes and what YOU think will be helpful during labour.

My husband was present for both my births. My second was a water birth and that was wonderful. I was in the pool and was cocooned from everyone else. Husband was outside the pool holding my hand which was great.

You might prefer aiming for something like this.

You will need someone to advocate for you whether that's your husband, mum, doula, extra midwife. Someone who is fully briefed on what you want and can inform medical staff. When you get to transition you go into your own head a bit and focus on giving birth. You might not be fully aware of what happening. Even more so if you've have pethadine.

The only part of my labour when I was in pain, was the contractions in the car on the way to hospital. Once there, I had an epidural and watched tv/listened to music for 12 hours until pushing and delivery started.
Have you looked into pain relief options? There's a whole scale of them.

I also wasn't naked during labour, I had on a bra & vest, with a sheet over my lower half the entire time.

I had discussed with DH prior to labour that I didn't want him faffing or fussing with me. No mopping my brow or rubbing my back. I go into myself in extreme situations and that wouldn't have helped or made me comfortable. He acknowledged and stuck to this the whole time. He passed me my water and lip balm when I needed them, he changed the channel on the tv when I got bored. But I am glad he was there for the birth of our DD

I also second whoever suggested online antenatal classes. Being armed with as much info as possible before such an unknown as labour can only be a good thing

Do those of you saying it's a woman's choice see your DH/DP's purely as sperm donors?

People are leaping on the naked thing and it isn’t fair. I’ve explained it isn’t just that. But also rightly or wrongly it’s the type of nakedness. I don’t mind for example a quick flash getting changed for swimming or the gym. I wouldn’t however choose to stand there naked, some women do, no problem, but not for me.

@Soubriquet

When I gave birth I ended up completely deaf and blind to everything.

All I could focus on was the pain.

The midwife was telling me to stop pushing, and the overwhelming uncontrollable urge to push was overwhelming me to the point where I couldn’t push.

It took my dh being very sharp and firm in my ear to stop me from pushing. Everything else was tuned out

I also couldn’t speak if my life depended on it

I can relate to that. It’s a very primitive situation. I swear I was howling to the moon at stages 🤣

Sometimes I am bemused why people are in relationships

@Inthemuckheap

Do those of you saying it's a woman's choice see your DH/DP's purely as sperm donors?

On Mumsnet that's exactly what most posters think about men

@mrbob

Sometimes I am bemused why people are in relationships

That's rather a separate issue.

Okay, having read your updates, it's clear you're quite a strange person/probably not in a good place atm. Poor husband- especially if you're going to be as entitled as you're being here once the baby arrives. Good luck- babies are fucking hard work and you'll need all the help you can get.

@potatoesandonions

worra no is the short answer to that.

I don’t like flapping and fussing. I have been called selfish, odd, bizarre, been questioned extensively about breastfeeding and my sex life.

I would prefer it if you didn’t respond, as you just seem to want to bait me. Thank you.

Tough, it's a chat forum.

Anyway, you should really sit down with your husband and talk about this but do wait until you're in a better mood.

Also, whatever you decide now might completely change so make sure he's prepared to be on standby.

A little bit selfish I think - sorry. You have no idea how long you will be in hospital for after you give birth - the longer you’re kept in the longer it will be before your husband meets his child if coronavirus restrictions are still in place. After I gave birth the midwife on the labour ward fully expected me to be home the following day - we had to stay in for a week. Imagine that happened to you and your husband met his child a week after they were born - that’s harsh.

Hi OP,

I am sending you my support and positive energy.

You should do what is right for you and not feel pressured. I don’t think you are remotely odd, bizarre or strange as some others have said. Everybody is different and this often gets forgotten on MN. There are a lot of judgements made in a split second because it is an anonymous forum, try not to take comments you disagree with to heart. Just ignore the nastiness and focus on the kindhearted comments.
Please be kind to yourself first of all, you have every right to decide who you want to be with you at the birth.
I would suggest you discuss this with your OH because it is obviously causing you anxiety. It really is your choice.
As a suggestion could your OH be nearby or outside so that if you do change your mind at any point he is close? Also because at some stages you might feel comfortable with him being with you as long as he respects your wishes? But even if you are not comfortable with this it is your choice.

I am sorry if this is not helpful but it really is meant to be. Have you ever watched sex and the city? The character Miranda felt very much the same about having a baby and giving birth and she laid down very specific ground rules on what would and wouldn’t be acceptable from a baby shower all the way through to actually giving birth. She did not want anyone ‘flapping or fussing’ over her either and she was very assertive about that.
Yes I know that she was a character in a drama, not real life but when I saw this I thought to myself if ever I am lucky enough to have a baby I will take this on board! You don’t have to follow what everyone else does especially when giving birth.

Just to repeat myself it is your choice and please remember that.