To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

The baby is his. The labour is not. Right here, by making childbirth "his experience", you are doing what a bajillion people on here have done and made childbirth about men. It is not

My DH made it about me! What did I want, what could he do.

Yes, one man. Saying what a load of people, including you, have said...and which you claim nobody has said. Do you agree with him? Do you think women are in any way obliged to suffer more in childbirth than they have to for the sake of male "experience"? Are you going to argue over how many men appeared on this thread or are you going to address the sheer horror of what's been said, that a labouring woman should suffer more in order to please him? You are angered by that sentiment, aren't you?

My Oh wasn't after experience at all, he was there to help and support.

Childbirth is not about men or their "experience". It is not about any male "rights" regarding their "experience". It is an exclusively female process and a very dangerous and potentially traumatic one. The only thing that matters is getting it done as safely as possible for mother and baby. That means the mother deciding for herself who, if anyone, she would find a supportive and comforting presence. A man's wants are not more important than a labouring mother's needs, and don't try telling me nobody has said that either because they have, over and over, in many different words. Like I said, we've even got people saying it's man hating to defend a woman's right to choose, without pressure or judgement, who she wants with her. Childbirth is not about men, despite what a whole bunch of people have very much been saying.

You're madly wrong! It's a shared experience between a loving couple.

I think you've a lot of anger about men, they're ok to be at conception but not birth..,,, how odd!

Ina a loving relationship experiencing birth together is fabulous!

I think it's a question you have to ask your husband, whether he is ok with you not wanting him to see his child come into the world. It's the biggest moment in his life and should he want to be there you should consider allowing him and just give him strict rules of what not to say or do to make you as comfortable as you can.

Ina a loving relationship experiencing birth together is fabulous! or could be awful.
Because it is possible to love your wife enough to do what SHE wants.

@Itisbetter or to love each other enough to make it a mutually wonderful joint experience!

Op doesn’t want that, neither did I. Sorry if that doesn’t fit the stereotype of what birth should be like for you, but I think that’s your problem really.

For what it's worth OP,I'm like you when I'm ill. I just want to be left alone and can't stand people flapping and fussing around me. But when it came to giving birth,that was a totally different matter. I would have found it so much harder without my husband being there. And I think I would have regretted not having him there to share the experience. But at the end of the day,it's your choice.

@Itisbetter not my problem, just saying OP asked in AIBU and people really weirdly are angry because people are saying she is being unreasonable.

Based on thief own experiences.

Imagine having an opinion based on what you thought!

I’m with you @potatoesandonions

I had an inkling when I was expecting my first that he’d be a irritation rather than a help...but I went along with him being there. Turns out it was exactly as I thought it would be -much like feeling ill or having a bad tummy ache and just wanting to drift away/zone out on my own but not being left to do so because of the constant distraction of DH “helping”.

So second and third time I told him I wanted to be left alone until I asked for help. I laboured away at home alone in my bedroom, TENS and headphones on...until that sudden rush of anger/panic that comes with nearing transition. I got DH to take me to hospital then and gave birth within an hour of arriving each time, and was so close to the end that nothing else other than delivering mattered. Ideal really, as I was able to get in the zone and deal with labour much better, but he got to be there for the birth at a point that I was beyond really noticing!

Imagine having an opinion based on what you thought! an opinion on someone else’s choices when giving birth?

@Itisbetter I don't need you have opinions that match with yours,.. or OPs!

*too

So I can relate to some of what you say @potatoesandonions Particularly about just wanting to be left alone when you're not feeling well. I cannot stand fuss. Leave me alone and I'll deal with it. People fussing over me just irritates me even though I know they're only doing it because they care.

FWIW I've had 2 children very close together. First time I was dressed in my vest top, sheet over me to cover modesty (not that I cared particularly but midwife put it there at one point and I was happy with that) shouting at OH to get me water every 2 mins. I must've drank 4 litres in a couple of hours. He was at head end and didn't see anything.

Second time I was stripped naked, couldn't stand any clothes on me. OH tried to touch me when my waters broke and he got hissed at. I was happy to have him there. I just didn't want him to touch me. 😂.

It's hard when you're pregnant because anxieties multiply significantly and retrospectively it's never as bad or stressful as it seems. All I can say is try to come to terms as much as you can with being open to any scenario that comes your way. When your baby is born it's gonna do whatever the hell it wants and you will have no control over it. You're just going to have to go with the flow.

You're gonna be ok. You've got this x

Haven't read the whole thread but got the general gist!

I honestly wish you well no matter what you decide OP and hope you have a straightforward birth!

I saw what you said about retreating into yourself when you're in pain and wanting to deal with it yourself....have you given any thought to the role of your husband after the birth? You will likely be in agony, probably have stitches, will need help getting up off the sofa, establishing breastfeeding (if you choose to do so) involves cracked and bleeding nipples and sitting with your boobs out A LOT. I'm not saying this to scare you or put you off, it's just the way it is for a lot of women.

I needed my husbands help. He saw me when I was vulnerable and in pain in the postpartum phase because I needed him emotionally to support me. I'm not the "parading round naked" type normally so was well out of my comfort zone.

Being at the birth and seeing how I dealt with it was a huge part of helping him understand the brutal ordeal I had been through, and he was far better able to support me afterwards! My entire labour was 1 hour 20 mins and resulted in being rushed to theatre for 2 hours to be stitched up after a tear..it was scary, and unexpected, and my husband didn't actually do anything but press the emergency button when the midwife asked him to.

You may think your husband wouldn't support you much, mine didn't, but I have no doubt being present at the birth of his child made him a far better dad in the early newborn days when things are just crazy!

@doityourselfnow no of course you don’t but I’m not offering opinions on your choices am I?

We all knew that MrW wasn't going to be there at the birth of either of his DC. Lovely as he was, he hated hospitals, was needle-phobic and was likely to pass out in the delivery room. So I gave him a choice and he chose McDonald's. I was happy because the medical staff could focus on me and the babies. I chose a trusted friend and SIL to be birthing partners. The point is that mums should be able to choose the way that's most comfortable for them and people could be just a tad less judgy.

We all knew that MrW wasn't going to be there at the birth of either of his DC. Lovely as he was, he hated hospitals, was needle-phobic and was likely to pass out in the delivery room. So I gave him a choice and he chose McDonald's. I was happy because the medical staff could focus on me and the babies. I chose a trusted friend and SIL to be birthing partners. The point is that mums should be able to choose the way that's most comfortable for them and people could be just a tad less judgy.

If my husband chose McDonald's over the birth of his child, he wouldn't be my husband! I mean WTF! A Big Mac and chips whilst your wife is labouring..

If my husband forced his way into the delivery room “he wouldn't be my husband!”, mercifully we don’t all have to feel the same about things do we?

@doityourselfnow

We all knew that MrW wasn't going to be there at the birth of either of his DC. Lovely as he was, he hated hospitals, was needle-phobic and was likely to pass out in the delivery room. So I gave him a choice and he chose McDonald's. I was happy because the medical staff could focus on me and the babies. I chose a trusted friend and SIL to be birthing partners. The point is that mums should be able to choose the way that's most comfortable for them and people could be just a tad less judgy.

If my husband chose McDonald's over the birth of his child, he wouldn't be my husband! I mean WTF! A Big Mac and chips whilst your wife is labouring..

🤣🤣🤣🤣 In fairness she gave him a choice and he picked McDonald's.

@Itisbetter so you honestly would feel five with your DH and DF to your child going down Maccabees whilst you're in labour?

Yep I stand by that would not be my DH! I would think that fucking awful!

Not on hand in the hospital in case his DW and DC needed him?

Nope having an extra large meal!

Imagine if a woman came on here saying, I wanted my DH to be with me at birth, but he said no, I'm heading off to Maccys for a drive through, let me know when it's over.

@Mishmased I suppose it might've been chicken nuggets and not a Big Mac..

I think I’d laugh to be honest. I actively didn’t want him at the birth.

Oh my! To be fair, he was there to welcome my DS in the NICU. And he looked after me really well while I recovered. He was brave but would have passed out in theatre.

@Itisbetter very low standard that he would think that appropriate, but then tats not unusual.

I wouldn't think it appropriate at all, certainly wouldn't have laughed at my DH choosing McDonald's rather than being wit me i labour or being In the hospital whilst I laboured )if I didn't want him in the room.

I presume your DH was able to understand that labour is emotional, painful and can be dangerous?

It all reads a bit Daily Mail" I was in labour for 10 hours, my DH had burgers, milk shakes and McFlurrys!

Dear god, raise your standards!

But he chose McDonalds @Willowkins ?

Just wow!