To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

Yanbu. I think it's really important that you are as comfortable... As you can be while giving birth. It is a really special experience bringing a baby into the world and your husband may be hurt that you'd rather be alone for it so I would make sure to have a very honest and frank conversation about it with him.

I can't really imagine going through childbirth without my husband (he was there for both our children's birth albeit on the floor after fainting for our second!) but not everyone feel that way. You are entitled to feel what you feel and want what you want. Luckily for me my husband was exactly the support I needed and to be honest I was a little too preoccupied to worry about what he was doing or how much he could see.

@potatoesandonions you could set up some ground rules with H and write these in your birth plan about what he can/can't do to comfort.

This can stipulate being at your head the entire time; even going to the other side of the room or outside (providing COVID allows) if you're getting too uncomfortable.

My partner is going to bring in headphones and a MacBook for the earlier stages where I'm embarrassed and in pain. But he will be at my head for the important latter stage of labour when baby appears.

I wouldn't ever want to deny my partner the opportunity to see his child born - but I think you can compromise as a couple and with your midwives about how your birth experience goes - so you both end to getting what you want.

At the end of the day it is completely up to you. I am very similar that I don’t want people fussing around me/in my face etc. I’m due to give birth any day & myself & DP have had a conversation in regards to what I would like/expect during labour. I’ve asked him to just stay out the way unless I ask for him & he’s willing to respect my boundaries. I would never deny him the chance to see his baby arrive into the world, it is his child too. I think having an advocate there for me is important too as I might not speak up when I feel so distressed. I understand what you mean about being uncomfortable & it not being comparable to sex, but I do feel if you are comfortable enough to make & start a family with this man then you should be comfortable having him in all aspects of your life. He married you because he loves you & as the saying goes “in sickness & in health”

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

You're the one who mentioned advocate 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s sad not allowing him to be there at the birth of his child, but ultimately it’s up to you, which you know as you’re considering it. I just find it odd you can clearly have sex with him (assuming you can tell me what you do and don’t like) yet can’t seem to tell him what you wouldn’t like during labour 🤷🏼‍♀️

I thought I’d be confident and in charge during my labour but I just felt fear and was so glad for my partner there to support and advocate on my behalf.

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

Well you do. If you have a CAT 1 c section and decisions need to be made about the baby. Or if like my second birth my contradictions were lasting 3 to 5 mins with a 1 in between and I couldn’t concentrate during contractions and barely focus and information and make a decision in the 60 seconds in between.

• well you might do.

It's assumed these days that partners will be at the birth. There is pressure to conform. You should go with your instincts. If you prefer to be on your own that's what you should do. Does your partner want to be there?

You're the one giving birth so ultimately what you say goes however giving birth is terrifying and intense and any thoughts of self-consciousness goes right out the window!
I was like you, really self conscious and when I am in pain or being sick (which I was during labour) I hate being touched! But I really needed my husband there. Just knowing that he was there to help if I needed it took a massive weight off my shoulders.
My labour resulted in a very scary emergency section which my husband actually had to sign forms for me for due to my condition so he turned out pretty useful!
Plus you really dont have to be naked! No one but medical staff need to see your bits!

Your wishes ARE paramount. I didn’t want anyone there, in an ideal world not a soul. I can see the need for a midwife though so I had one but it absolutely matters how you feel. It is OK not to want him there, you DO NOT have to be naked. You don’t have to be under bright hospital lights. You don’t have to be touched by anyone, at all, if you don’t want to be.

You might change your mind when you are in labour, sure, but equally you might not. You might strip fully naked and not care a jot who sees. You might curl up under 3 blankets in a corner on the floor and the midwife can burrow in with a torch. It is OK to care who sees you and how they see you and to want to maintain control of this. I cared massively who saw me. Before, during, and after, and I won’t apologise for it. Nor should you.

I settled for husband getting on with normal life for the labour then hovering around in/out the doorway somewhere when the births were imminent. He was there for everything he was needed for and saw them at seconds old just like I did.

@potatoesandonions

You can’t do any antenatal classes at the moment where I am, so I can’t.

Get yourselves into a online zoom course nct have them as do others so you can talk about this kind of stuff but should you need an advocate your DH is your best bet. Also should heaven forbid anything happen your DH is someone you know with the baby

It's a time of bonding for you all it's ok to be apprehensive talk to him explain about how you feel

Some women find prenatal CBT may help and its best to let your midwives know now as this could all be precursors to post natal anxiety if left untreated

Hope this helps

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

You may very well do in labour.

@potatoesandonions

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

You may do if you have complications. Sorry not wanting to worry you more but unless you can preempt every single situation that may occur and a have a plan in place, you will need an advocate.

I also think it's incredibly sad that you don't want your OH there for what appear to be purely selfish reasons.

This sounds like an ideal conversation to have with him (which you may or may not wish to have in a dark room after a shower).

Tell him you're worried he might make you feel uncomfortable. Tell him things you're scared of. Tell him what you'd like your birth to be like. Tell him the things you'd like a birth partner to do.

See how he responds. Let him do some research himself. Ask him to talk to you about it again once you've had some time to think.

Then do the same about the first few days of parenting - do you want visitors? Do you want him helping in the night? Etc etc. He can't carry the baby for you, but you can certainly expect him to participate in a way you're comfortable with.

Whatever feelings you have about your body, whatever boundaries you have, you can keep those. But there is no reason on this planet that you shouldn't have this discussion with the father of your baby.

I think you’ll find I was responding to a PP worra

It’s not just about the labour though is it? It’s about his child (as well as yours) coming into the world.
Ultimately it’s up to you but it sounds sad that you can’t seem to bear the thought of him seeing you so vulnerable. I wonder why? For me if I’m in such a vulnerable position as giving birth the only person I would want or need would be Dh

@potatoesandonions it is not uncommon to struggle to advocate for yourself in labour it is very intense and emotional and having someone who can help the staff to stick to your wishes is enormously helpful.

I feel the same when I'm not well or in pain I just want to be left alone but it was the birth of our child and I felt he had every right to be there!
I think it's a great bonding experience for them as they don't get to have any part of the actual pregnancy apart from feel them move every so often
U can tell him not to touch you or even speak to you but to be honest u probably won't care once your in the swing of things
Also not to put a dampener on things alot can go wrong
I think it's a discussion you need to have with him
HE may not want to be there!
He may really resent you of you don't let him be there!
I think your being a bit selfish to be honest

My husband is an absolute love, extremely supportive, I’ve given birth with him there and always twice without as he was looking after other children. I prefer on my own tbh, you can truly focus on your body, build a better rapport with midwife etc.
However, I would say that him being there at first was a very close bonding situation. After, he wiped the blood from my legs in the bath so gently and he was so in awe quite rightly.
Do what is right for YOU. And good luck.

I think you should really think about this. I didnt want my OH there for these exact reasons but I'm so glad he was there. He didnt do anything to annoy me, he did what I asked and just stayed quiet otherwise. I also had to be induced then was taken to theatre and had a forceps delivery, he was so supportive and im so glad I let him in.

Also your not actually naked, I wore a nighty and my OH didnt see anything so I was completely comfortable.

Ask people about giving birth and don't just assume what its like because it is completely different and you dont want to regret not having him there to help you through it all

It's ultimately your choice but I think it's a shame for your husband. It's his baby too and he literally can't do anything during the birth except support you. I am not body confident but during active labour and being poked, prodded and probed by a seemingly endless stream of strangers I did not have it in me to care who saw a bit of my body to be honest.
I'm not suggesting you will have anything other than a straightforward birth but your husband will obviously want to know all about it, what happened and when, etc, and you'll likely get fed up of telling him about it. And if something, god forbid, didn't quite ho as planned it is helpful to have someone there who knows what's happened and to support you. One of my most treasured moments is my husband's face when seeing our baby being born. I will never forget the look on his face. I really enjoyed us sharing that together, without trying to be cheesy. It's the only time we will go through it and I shall never forget. I can't imagine being handed my baby on my own and not having my husband to share that moment with.
If your only fear is your husband seeing you naked, unshowered and under unflattering hospital lighting I bet you anything all he'll be seeing is his beautiful, amazing, strong wife giving birth to his baby and he'll love you more than ever.

Your wishes should indeed be paramount. You'll get pilloried for wanting to decide who sees you at your most vulnerable, with all the possibilities like pooing and so on, but those people are frankly wrong. It's your husband's child too, but not his labour or his body. Patient confidentiality is always understood until it's a labouring woman for some reason; some numbnut once tried to tell me that women in the maternity ward aren't patients. Of course they are.

In all likelihood, you'll probably find all this matters less to you once it's actually happening. But birth trauma is real, PND is real and don't let anyone guilt or coerce you into allowing things like unwanted spectators if you don't want them. There's no other "condition", for want of a better word, in which a vulnerable person in pain, who might crap themselves or puke or need any amount of intervention, is ever pressured into letting people watch. I think it's because this is literally the one thing men can't do so our inherently sexist society doesn't like women retaining any control. Fuck that, allow or prohibit anyone you like.

Imagine, if you were staggeringly blind drunk, and normally, you had an objection to (say) getting in taxi alone, and especially never get in one whilst in that intoxicated state. Then you're out one day, drunk, alone and a stranger decided it was best to shove you in a taxi and send you home. You might be upset, scared, feel like your in danger, not being listened to etc

But instead of a taxi, when giving birth, it's an intrusive medical procedure?

Completely your decision but have a plan and make sure you’ve talked it through - do listen to his his point of view which doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with him just hearing another point of view. Things to think about- will he be at the hospital just waiting outside the whole time or just at the crucial time (labour can go on for hours), what if there was an emergency — who would make key decisions if you are unable? No rights or wrongs just make sure the details are clear.
My midwife recommended having someone with me as during the transition time some women ‘zone out‘ unfamiliar voices and having someone relay instructions in familiar voice helps the info get through. Also fwiw I gave birth in an old nightie and dh stayed up by my head the whole time.