To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

@doityourselfnow well yes since it’s about consent and women’s bodies I did hope all the replies would be YANBU

Just some posters are putting forward reasons why they wanted their husband present when it’s not really relevant- you can want your husband at the birth and simultaneously respect another woman’s choice not to, even if you can’t understand why she’s made that choice

Where have you been? There have been absolutely countless "his experience" and "his baby" comments

Well, the baby is also his. That is factual. My husband says the birth of our children was the greatest experience of his life. He does not think for one second that me giving birth was exclusively for “his experience”. You are assigning so much entitlement to men here and misrepresenting the context in which those words were used.

One man came on literally to say that he'd want his wife to endure more pain if it meant he could have his "experience"

One man. He is not all men.

OP has been told that she's selfish, unreasonable, doesn't know her own mind, isn't educated and that it'll be her fault if her husband stops loving her or refuses to parent his child over this

I would imagine that many people would think the OP is being selfish and unreasonable. Just as many don’t. This is AIBU and she did ask for opinions.

As for the rest, that she doesn't know her own mind, isn't educated and that it'll be her fault if her husband stops loving her or refuses to parent his child over this, I believe you are again misrepresenting what has actually been said.

@bananacone

I suggest if you want all the people to be YANBU, then you don't visit the AIBU board!!

Why would OP ask on ABU board, if she's being unreasonable If she was 100% sure she wasn't?

She would've been on pregnancy choices asking for similar decisions.

I think she's wrong and I've expressed it, I've also said she'll do what she likes as she flounced early, she's not listening, she's already decided fine.

Do I understand her wishes? Not really, but she doesn't understand mine, nor do you?

@potatoesandonions

Thank you hammie

An epidural isn’t an option so I can’t elicit for that.

Can you get a spinal block? Due to clotting issues I cannot get an epidural and have always been given a spinal block for my c-section. During labour I was given remifentanil that was controlled.

If you don't want your husband there talk to him and let him know how you feel. My DH wasn't much of a help both times and I felt I could have done better without him being there 😁 I know he would have been hurt but he was so scared second time round as we had complications. He was useless at advocating for me, I should have gotten a doula instead. Best of luck 👍

Do what’s right for you OP, but have an honest convo with your DH and get his take on it

Yes it’s unusual in this day and age but if it works for you then it’s no one else’s business

The only thing I would suggest that if you end up with a medicated birth eg c section, forceps with spinal block etc you physically can’t do much after the birth as you won’t be able to feel your leg for 12 hours. I had this with both my DS so DH help was invaluable just got pass me things afterwards. I’m not sure on the current hospital policies around allowing visitors in that weren’t a birth partner etc so worth checking all of this out with your midwife/hospital if you do decide on DH not being there

@doityourselfnow I absolutely understand why some women want their husband/partner with them when they give birth. At the same time I understand why other women don’t.

There are some pregnancy and birth choices that I don’t really understand but I still respect another woman’s right to make them. After all I should only worry about my own birth choices, other women’s choices don’t effect me, I only care that they are free to make them.

Yes AIBU often opens some really interesting debate on a range of topics which I enjoy- I’m just shocked issues around consent and a woman’s body are even up for debate but there you go. Sometimes people post here merely looking for reassurance. Thankfully there are a significant number of posters who support OPs right to choose and more importantly the law does too.

@bananacone I gave my opinion, I think OP is wrong, you have yours but don't be so ridiculous to think you're going to get a 100% agreement.

Yes the law might say one thing, to protect a woman from abuse, but for a loving DF to be excluded I think is harsh.

But then I'm in a loving, equal, respectful relationship where my DH has seen me naked, seen forcep delivery, seen me poo during labour and he thought I was fucking awesome! But I suppose if you come from, " he can only see me naked after a shower in semi dark lights", that's going to be an issue.

But only OP knows if that's her own issue to deal with, or something they need to work on together.

Again she flounced early when it didn't go her way!

Havent read all comments ut wanted to add that my DH was much more sympathetic my needs at home after labour once he'd witnessed what I'd been through!

Completely your choice but I'm another one in the its odd camp

I think you may benefit from counselling as you appear to have issues surrounding body confidence.

[quote 00100001]@ShebaShimmyShake

Of course not. But some parents may not be happy to have someone else attend baby if possible.[/quote]
Why on earth not? They’d be a lot more use than two people who’ve never held a baby before.

@VinylDetective because some parents like me, would prefer our DC be tended to by one of their parents!

Is that difficult to understand?

You don't lose the ability to talk for yourself, but if you're contracting you probably want to zone out and not have a chat with the midwife about vitamin K or what not.

Ideally you want to be as relaxed as possible throughout. Maybe there's a middle way of he's keen to support you. Especially if you're induced there's a lot of boring waiting around and you might want the company ----or someone to send off and get you cups of tea

You could ask him beforehand to step out of the midwife is going to examine you. Or that he can leave when you get to near pushing which is maybe the most undignified part.

You don't have to be naked at any point

[quote doityourselfnow]@VinylDetective because some parents like me, would prefer our DC be tended to by one of their parents!

Is that difficult to understand? [/quote]
I think it’s weird. Just as you think anyone who would prefer the father not to be present at the birth is harsh. Is that difficult to understand?

Nope but I'm the one being attacked @VinylDetective ! Not you!

Just take a look @bananacone saying it should be 100% YANBU!

Madness!

Wtf? Nobody’s being attacked.

I'd disagree @VinylDetective !i thought that @bananacone thought I was wrong to not say YANBU, it should be a 100% YANBU.

Op had issues, she doesn't mind a glimpse of nakedness when getting changed for the gym or swimming... so is that just by her DH?

Because my DH had to help shower me and bath me for two weeks after birth.with DS1 and a week with DS2.

OP needs to address the issues and quickly!

Nakedness doesn't end at birth!

*Wrong to say YABU!

@doityourselfnow I’ve not attacked you though, just made it clear I respect your choices for how you birth and who you want present, the same as I respect the OPs choices for how she wants to birth and who she wants present.

And yes I don’t think women’s consent around their own bodies should even be up for debate but here we are, there’s obviously still progress to make.

You don’t have to be naked, I only took my knickers off and that was quite near the end. I had a nightie on.

I prefer being alone as well when I am ill/in pain but Labour is not like being ill. Plus it can go on for ages and you might appreciate the company. Mine sat in a chair and I didn’t interact that much with him tbh!

It’s your choice but I think a lot of men might feel quite hurt.

@Vivi0

Where have you been? There have been absolutely countless "his experience" and "his baby" comments

Well, the baby is also his. That is factual. My husband says the birth of our children was the greatest experience of his life. He does not think for one second that me giving birth was exclusively for “his experience”. You are assigning so much entitlement to men here and misrepresenting the context in which those words were used.

One man came on literally to say that he'd want his wife to endure more pain if it meant he could have his "experience"

One man. He is not all men.

OP has been told that she's selfish, unreasonable, doesn't know her own mind, isn't educated and that it'll be her fault if her husband stops loving her or refuses to parent his child over this

I would imagine that many people would think the OP is being selfish and unreasonable. Just as many don’t. This is AIBU and she did ask for opinions.

As for the rest, that she doesn't know her own mind, isn't educated and that it'll be her fault if her husband stops loving her or refuses to parent his child over this, I believe you are again misrepresenting what has actually been said.

The baby is his. The labour is not. Right here, by making childbirth "his experience", you are doing what a bajillion people on here have done and made childbirth about men. It is not.

Yes, one man. Saying what a load of people, including you, have said...and which you claim nobody has said. Do you agree with him? Do you think women are in any way obliged to suffer more in childbirth than they have to for the sake of male "experience"? Are you going to argue over how many men appeared on this thread or are you going to address the sheer horror of what's been said, that a labouring woman should suffer more in order to please him? You are angered by that sentiment, aren't you?

You can believe what you like, but you are wrong. If you read the thread, scan it even, you'll see all of those "arguments" and accusations have been made, many times over, right down to blaming OP if her husband stops loving her or decides not to parent, calling her selfish, and all the rest of it. Just like the other "point" you made, and insist has not been made. People may or may not agree, but nobody with even the slightest familiarity with this thread will claim it hasn't been said, over and over. The fact that you think otherwise just shows you haven't read enough of the thread to comment on how it's gone.

Childbirth is not about men or their "experience". It is not about any male "rights" regarding their "experience". It is an exclusively female process and a very dangerous and potentially traumatic one. The only thing that matters is getting it done as safely as possible for mother and baby. That means the mother deciding for herself who, if anyone, she would find a supportive and comforting presence. A man's wants are not more important than a labouring mother's needs, and don't try telling me nobody has said that either because they have, over and over, in many different words. Like I said, we've even got people saying it's man hating to defend a woman's right to choose, without pressure or judgement, who she wants with her. Childbirth is not about men, despite what a whole bunch of people have very much been saying.

Of course your feelings matter more than your husband’s, not saying that to put you off x

Good grief at this thread. All the going around in circles, all the people not keeping up with the OP's later posts. OP states more than once that it's not just about nakedness. Cue multiple posts from people dribbling on about how 'she could always keep a nightie on'. OP states more than once that she has no interest in having a doula. Cue multiple posts from people piping up to ask 'have you thought about a doula?'.

And then that priceless neanderthal moron dribbling on about sacrifice.

OP - I haven't given birth but I'm also pretty sure I would have the same concerns as you. People calling you 'odd', or jumping to conclusion about your sex life or relationship with your partner, just have no bloody manners and no decorum.

I wish you all the best for a safe and easy-as-possible birth.

If mine had tried to rub my back I’d have broken his bloody arm!

Given birth twice neither time naked and infact glad husband was their first time was at home, paramedics not yet aricved sencon time, husband had to get mw in to "catch" the baby. (I wouldn,t say deliered. If no oh then when would the mw come in?

I had my babies without my husband being in the room. He supported what I wanted. Do what you want OP. I haven’t read the whole thread because it sounded like it was going to be a bullython.