To not want husband there when I give birth?

[potatoesandonions]

Having baby for the first time and the more I think about it the more stressed I feel about OH being there.

My reasons are first of all I’m not really all that relaxed about being naked. Don’t mind with medical staff, that’s different. But I think I’d feel self conscious.

I also want to focus on actually having the baby than having to respond to Oh. I can imagine him doing lots of things that he thinks will be nice but actually will be annoying.

More than this though when I’m in pain or ill, I just prefer to be left alone. I remember being about 13 and very ill and feeling a bit annoyed with my parents flapping although obviously they were worried!

Does anybody do this now? Or is it just expected partners/dads come in? I can imagine he’ll feel very upset if everyone else does this.

I agree with PP, YABU to think about denying your DH the opportunity of seeing his DC being born

However it sounds like you need to have a serious conversation with him about what you need him to do in the labour room.

It is unusual to not want him there... because of the reasons you've given. It's is odd that you have had sex with this man, which, tbh, is a bit gross, but aren't comfortable with him seeing you naked.
It's just unusual, that's all.

You might need him there to advocate for you.

Minenfed me and held water bottles/lucozade to my mouth for me, helped me stagger across to shower and washed me. Would have been much harder to do these things alone.

Does this extend to the possibly 2 or 3 days in labour?

Or are you going to allow him to support you through that and just stop him attending the birth?

With you 100% PP. Do exactly as you wish and I believe you have 100% of the final decision, while taking into account your partners views.

YANBU.
As a pp said, figure out what will work for you (alone, DM, friend etc). DH can always join you once the baby has arrived.
(And as for support - my DH was at the birth of both our DC’s and was totally useless).

Whilst I don't necessarily think YABU, I do think you sound utterly bizarre.

Would it not be better to actually talk to DH about this, or are you as uncomfortable talking to him as you are being naked around him?

I cannot get my head around you feeling more comfortable naked with a bunch of medical strangers than you do with the man you love??

Also, why must you be naked? I don't think I gave birth to any of my 3 in the nude! To be honest though, a marching band could have wandered through and looked directly up my vag though and I wouldn't have cared less at that point!!

The most important thing is you need to feel comfortable. Men being at the birth is a relatively recent thing anyway in the grand scheme of things.
DH wasn't at DD2s birth due to being out of the country... He met her at two weeks old. In the long run it's meant absolutely nothing. He was very useful at DD1s birth, as he pulled the emergency cord and ran to find help when DD decided to arrive without warning with no medical staff around. He definitely didn't do any back rubbing etc.

I’m not offended others don’t share my view but being called odd for it is different.

It’s not just nakedness. It’s sweating, pain, discomfort, screaming, just would rather keep that private personally, I understand others feel differently. And OH will not be any sort of advocate.

You don’t have to have him there, but has he really never seen you naked except in a dark bedroom?

Yanbu. Do whatever works for you. However, I imagine your DH might feel very hurt. That’s not to say you have to do it to spare his feelings but I think that conversation will come.

(And completely separately - has your DH really never seen you naked with the lights on?! I’m just baffled as to how this can happen when you live with someone and share a bedroom!)

Just be honest with him.

Tell him that if you go into yourself (lots of women do) or snap at him, or ignore his advice (despite it being exactly the same as the midwives 3 minutes earlier) then he must just ignore it.

He must be led by you in the day. Basically he's there to support your, not be an active part of the delivery.

I was AMAZED at how great my DH was.

I’m now utterly bizarre ... thanks for answers, I think it’s time to hide the thread.

Seeing me naked when having sex on a bed in a dark room after I’ve had a shower etc

I don't mean to pry and how you have sex is up to you, but I find this much more odd than you not wanting your partner at the birth.

As I say I know everyone does things differently and reasons for doing things will differ but it seems very restrictive!!

I was a bit squeamish about this too when discussing labour with DH. We categorically agreed that he would go no where near the business end.

But at the end of the day I wouldn't have wanted to deny him the experience

Also imagine it makes it easier for midwives to have a partner their supporting you as they are massively understaffed and overworked and you could have long periods on your own and they are not their to hold your hand

I don’t tend to parade around naked parquita

@potatoesandonions

I’m not offended others don’t share my view but being called odd for it is different.

It’s not just nakedness. It’s sweating, pain, discomfort, screaming, just would rather keep that private personally, I understand others feel differently. And OH will not be any sort of advocate.

But... It is unusual to not want him there.

Not saying it's wrong.

Who WILL advocate for you then?

Your body, your choice but talk it through with him. DH had a crib sheet of things to do to help and he was a great advocate to me. Make sure you spend lots of time before discussing what you want, you can change your mind at any point. You don’t have to respond to him. You can tell him to stop if he is annoying you. My first was an emcs and I felt so much calmer with him in theatre with me, he also did all the changing etc at first because I couldn’t. After my second child I had to go straight to theatre for 2 hours and during that time he did skin to skin with DD2, otherwise she would have been popped into a crib. For me it was essential for him to be there.

Why do I need an “advocate”? Do I lose the ability to speak for myself?

YANBU. Your wishes are paramount; it’s completely up to you, and you should make whatever arrangements you feel comfortable with.

I do think it will be worth explaining to your husband as clearly as you can what your reasons are, because he is likely to want to be there. His wishes are very much secondary to yours, but I think he should have it explained very clearly.

It might also be worth having him on standby in case you change your mind. I’m not expecting that you will, but you never know exactly how you will feel and you may prefer to have him come in at some point.

You don’t need to parade naked but surely he sees you naked in daylight sometimes?

Yes sometimes you do ! It depends how well you manage pain.. what pain relief you choose, how easy or difficult it is...

ExH was utterly useless with the first two births so I had dd3 on my own. I was much more relaxed without him wittering on about being tired, uncomfortable, how much longer was it going to be etc. I could just focus on how I felt and consequently it was the best birth I had.

If he's keen to be there though I think you need to talk about how you feel and what you want him to do or not do.

I wore a button up nightshirt when I gave birth. You don't have to be naked. Think I had socks on too for the winter one.

It's not odd, a birth used to be an entirely female event.

I didn't want my dh there as he can't cope with me being in pain, and he didn't want to be there either, so he wasn't. As it happened, ds was early, so dh was somewhere under the ocean, and didn't know ds was born til 3 days after the event. I had a friend who had had 4 kids with me and then my Mum drove 3.5 hours to get to me, and was there for some of it as well.

Do what you are happy with and don't feel pressured. Some of my friends (and the community midwife) were aghast that dh didn't want to be there, and that I wasn't bothered. I did much better having my friend who'd been there, done it and got the t shirt with me.

I think you perhaps underestimate the very very vulnerable position you're possibly going to find yourself in. You will need someone to advocate, especially if things go wrong and you're up the eyeballs on pain meds

The only comparison really that you may have experienced is that when you've been staggeringly drink, no idea what's going on, not able to listen properly and take in information.

I was fairly drug free (had ormorph and a few goes on gas and air) and low pain, nd still had to get midwives to give me one instruction at a time.