Adult children still at home...

[CornishPastyEater]

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

If the oldest has a well paid job and has savings, then he's doing a lot better than most people I knew who moved out at 19/20 ish.

it's the lack of planning isn't it that is annoying, if they had a plan and didn't take you for granted and cleaned up after themselves i think it would all be so much easier

I agree with this.

My DD is 24 and still at home. Her job is only a few miles away so it is convenient. However, she does want to get her own place eventually and I know she has a serious plan to save up for a deposit. (She has even done spreadsheets to work out her budget and has taken out "Help to Buy" ISA or similar)

She pays an agreed amount every month which is based on a share of council tax, utility bills and groceries. Also she does pull her weight around the house, takes her turn at cooking the family, is responsible for her own ironing etc. In short I do not feel I am "mothering" her, she is another adult living here.

It is not just men as I have more person still with adult daughters in the age bracket 25 to 30 still at home.
It is not uncommon as living in the south east as even the smallest flat is silly money.
I have my two adult sons and one sons partner still living with me all in their early 2o’s and working. The one with the partner lives in my annex so unless he comes in the house or I go in the annex I hardly see them. The other has a bedroom and lounge upstairs and I don’t go in there either. They keep their areas clean, buy their own food and I do not monitor them in anyway. They all pay a reduced amount of board with the difference that they are saving on commercial rents being saved in a help to buy ISAS.
I am lucky that my house is large enough to give everyone their own space but my only asset is my large house in the south east so I don’t have the cash to help with deposits to help them buy their own homes but I can help them save by giving them cheap housing for a few extra years.

I agree, it’s quite typical for older dc to still be at home later in life in the SE.I know of two people, one guy who’s 49, never moved out, gets treated by his mum as though he’s till 12, but doesn’t move out. Another who must be early 50s, has a long term partner but has never moved out and tells me she was ‘frightened’ to move in with her partner. Strikes me as strange. I’m not from here, it was more typical to move out at 18 where I’m from.

When I was 27 my mum said “you are 27, I think you should move out now.” So I did. Simple as that. Do it!

Same as above really turn off the mummy tap for deffo for older one he needs to be charged as if he’s living in an apartment . Get his own food do his own washing buy his own groceries. Number two is now chief cook and bottle washer and needs to show a real interest in the employment market with all the spare time he has . Write a plan don’t except tears and tantrums the only person slamming the door should be leaving with a suitcase. My house you are in education or employed but you pay your way. We’ve had but my friend doesn’t pay this . My answer is see if you can move in with them 😳

I would be peed off if they are lazy and not contributing.

Just be direct and say I'm fed up of cleaning up after everyone and paying for everything. So you'll be employing a cleaner instead and they can pay for it. The cleaner will come as many days as is required. Also they need to pay their % of the food, council tax and bills.

The older one will soon be huffing about finding their own place..

You have been too kind for too long..

My oldest is 19. We have set up a payment plan with him whereby he pays a certain ‘rent’ and we add a percentage with it to savings. In 18 months he would have £10,000 saved for a deposit. He understands the need to get on the property ladder early to pay off mortgage at a reasonable age etc. His plan is to get a 3 bed house and rent rooms to his friends in the short term until he is older and in a settled relationship.

Talk to them and explain finances and importance of having a property especially now whilst the interest rates are so low and affordable.

30?? That's crazy, most people are married and or have children by that age or just after.

If you don't do something why would he move out? He will stay for m another ten, twenty years and why not from his point of view?

Give him 6 months to find a place - after that time if he hasn't found somewhere the rent will be at market rate- And stop for the love of god doing his waning and cooking. I'm afraid it sounds like you Have enabled him this should have been done ten years ago imo

£172k isn't much. Really, its not.

I live in London and that is a shit-load. That would nicely get you on the housing ladder here and then some.

Some people just panic..... just because he is 30 and in a good job doesn't mean he is confident or good at planning.

YANBU though and the fact he is using emotional blackmail is totally unacceptable.

Sit him down, find out why he doesn't want to leave home and offer to help him with the process but make it clear he IS moving out and set a date.

I had to literally move my sister out of my parents house, pay her deposit and buy her furniture (along with my DM) as she didn't know where to start or have the money. Some people are just like that and some people (like me) move out at 18 and crack on.

Some folks also like having everything done for them and handed to them on a plate so have the discussion but don't be a mug.

😱😱😱

I have three adult children aged 29, 27 and 24. My oldest is disabled. An earlier poster mentioned that it does not matter as much if disabled adults live with their parents. Why? If anything they need MORE help towards independence rather than less as they will be totally bereft and helpless when their parents die. Our DC went into a group home at 18 and now has their own flat which they keep immaculate. The other day one of their friends visited and they made them a roast dinner. The middle DC left home at 20 and has made a good life for themselves. The youngest is doing an MA nearby and lives at home. They also have a part time job. They do their own washing and any other chores that need doing. They took over most of the cooking during lockdown as DH and l were wfh. OP, you have made life far too comfortable. A wise person once told me that a parent's job is to eventually make themselves redundant. As others have said, your oldest needs to move out now and you need to be treated with the respect you deserve.

This obviously doesn’t apply to the OP but sometimes mothers enable this sort of dependency and it’s really quite sad. I wouldn’t want my adult son to turn into that kind of man who never left his mother’s apron strings. Speak to him about getting his own place.

Tbh it's not uncommon to be living at home at 30 around where I am. Not saying it's ideal but it's definitely not uncommon.

Renting is seen as wasted money and people live at home while saving for a deposit. Even if they have a partner, they and the partner live with one set of parents until they can afford to buy.

I didn't do it this way, but it's much more common than moving out into rented housing.

Inform your children to leave the house because you want to have wild crazy sex each evening. They can come back at midnight.

DC1 is 4 and we already had the conversation about when he's a grown up he will have his own job and his own house. The idea seemed to upset him so we have agreed to live next door to each other and visit every day 🤣🥰

My younger DD is 27 and lives with me, she has health issues, as do I, we're both considered vulnerable.

We moved last year from a 3 bed house to a 2 bed maisonette flat, and we love it. We are super close, never argue, all bills and food shopping are shared equally. We're very happy, and are settled in this new house.

I see no reason to ask DD to move out, we love living together

My sister's 58 and hasn't lived anywhere but my childhood home since she returned from university.

However.

Up to a few years ago she has always paid board (back in the mid-80s it was £10 a week for the unemployed, £20 for those who had a job). She has done a large amount of housework (including most of the cooking after my mother died). She has worked, had hobbies, gone on foreign holidays, run church groups and babysat niblings.

AND

for the last few years she has been caring for my father who has vascular dementia (along with various other things).

I don't know whether she's asexual, aromantic or consciously celibate but she's never had a relationship. This doesn't mean she's not a responsible adult.

There's nothing wrong with adults living with their parents, but it has to be on a responsible adult basis.

Great idea. We had a large family, as soon as we turned 18 we had to contribute. It was not up for discussion.

He has it very good at yours why would he move out!

Seriously you need to tell him it is time to look for his own place, or at least show you what his plans are for the near future! You need to toughen up!

I think there’s a lot of judgement on here and not every case is black and white.

A colleague still lives at home with her mum and she’s 54. She pulls her weight and it’s company for both of them. Nobody else’s business really!!

However another colleague finished a zoom call early recently “to put her sons nuggets in the oven” .... he’s 28 and has no special needs

You don't not love them.
You have done your "time" as a mum. 23 year old is still finding their feet..unfortunately you need to be cruel to be kind on this one.
Your 30 year old is still acting like a kid and is in that role. Time to grow up. We aren't Peter pan.

Evict him if necessary .

You have done your "time" as a mum.

🤢 I hate that expression. You might be done with doing their washing and cooking but I think they should still have the option of living with you if they look after themselves.