Adult children still at home...

[CornishPastyEater]

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please!
Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work.
The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment.
Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy!
If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping.
How do I make it clear change is needed?

However another colleague finished a zoom call early recently “to put her sons nuggets in the oven” .... he’s 28 and has no special needs

🤣

I've got adhd. This makes executive functioning hard. I moved out and had a job at uni by 18. Worked in the holidays. Had a kid at 21. My flat is a bit of a mess at the moment. I've kept a job. A child alive. And a relationship. Your ds is perfectly capable but life has been made too easy for him , sorry OP. He is taking you for a mug . Oh and I've got qualifications coming out my ears. No excuse x

Hi
But that's the whole point of parenting to bring your kids up.....not as adults.
I'm not saying its inherently wrong to have older kids stay with you. But the op isn't happy and my post reflects as much. Our kids grow up and won't have is forever....

Us*

Woman I worked with still lived at home with her parents aged 35. Good job, plenty of savings and paid them £50 a week. She’d also come back drunk and loud all hours

Parents put house on market, said they were moving to middle of nowhere. Woman obviously wanted to keep her good job

Parents helped her find house, helped with the deposit and helped her move in

Parents then took house off market and decided to stay where they were, work colleague was livid 😂

Get them out I say, it cripples them and makes them unnatractive

Definitely not fair to assume the eldest is male haha. OP try not to be too militant about this, buying your own house alone or moving out without a friend or partner is scary. Why don’t you say you’d like to help them purchase their first property (not necessarily financially but with a plan for them to save) get them an appointment with a mortgage advisor and start looking on Rightmove with them / it might make them excited to own their own place even if it’s a little one bed apartment! Emphasise that it is about them getting onto the property ladder rather than YOU needing them to leave. Same as with men, it’s about making them think it’s all their idea haha x

I sold the family home and moved into a one bedroom flat! Problem solved.

@QweenMama

*I know someone living with parents still, she’s nearly 41. Has 172K savings (she told me one night after drink had been taken). Doesn’t know how to use the washing machine. Earns 35K a year, 3 holidays a year. She gives her mum....£50 a month. Her mum is 66 and cleans in a supermarket to pay the bills*

I dont think 172k is much nowadays. Of single, she could buy a flat but does she have a pension?

That kind of money wouldn't even take you far in major cities.

£172k not much?! I’m lucky to have £17.20 at the end of a pay cycle. 😗😗

Geez, I moved out finally at 17 (after a few false starts).
I could not imagine living at home at 30. My child moved out before 21.
If they (child and gch) were ever stuck they could stop briefly while they sorted themselves out but I couldn't live with them on a permanent basis.
Try and get him to grow up. No adult should be having tantrums (special needs aside) , thats just ridiculous and almost emotional blackmail!
Stop wiping their arse, you aren't helping. Sorry OP.

Sometimes we all need a kick up the arse to get the right thing done. This sounds like one of those times. For his own good. Or you could make some money writing a sitcom out of it?

Purple but you must be aware that 17 is very young to move out? Not the norm at all.

But that's the whole point of parenting to bring your kids up.....not as adults.

My son is almost 17. I already don’t have to bring him up or parent him. He’s sensible. He can live here for as long as he likes. He’s easy to live with because we’ve brought him up to be respectful and pull his weight around the house. He’s just really good company. When he’s ready to leave, I’ll be happy for him but he can come back whenever. He’ll always have a home here, for me it’s very important that he knows that as I never had that.

My ex never moved out of his parents house until his mother died and he was 63!!!! He was too lazy to be bothered and his parents didn’t force him. He had his own business till he sold it ages 50 or so- he had financial means to buy a house!
On the other hand my cousin returned from university aged 23, with no inclination to look for a job, so after a few months his mother got him a bar job, paid for 6 months rent in a bedsit and turfed him out- he’s now a financial advisor in Hong Kong! Think the latter example is the way to go....

Think the latter example is the way to go....

Or if you’ve brought them up to be independent, they wouldn’t want to waste their university degree by not getting a job. Why did they ever think they could finish uni and not look for a job? And not want a job to get money? They had the belief from somewhere that that was an option. Surely ‘the way to go is’ be a good parent, support them with making good choices and they’ll want to do well and be independent which will mean wanting to be successful in their job and wanting to live independently.

@Aria999

DC1 is 4 and we already had the conversation about when he's a grown up he will have his own job and his own house. The idea seemed to upset him so we have agreed to live next door to each other and visit every day 🤣🥰

My dd felt the same until she was 13 and now at 15 I think she'd be glad to get away from us the first chance she gets

@CornishPastyEater

Hi all, my first post and I need your help, please! Our two adult children aged 30 and 23 still live at home. The older one has a very well paid job but is showing absolutely no inclination to branch out and buy their own home, despite having told us that there are some savings and a very good income. Pays a modest monthly 'keep' but as lazy as anything and creates work. The younger one's job has gone so is looking for other employment. Am I being unreasonable to try to make it clear the older one needs to make their own way in the world? I'm fed up with being a constant mummy! If I broach the subject there's always a row, shouting and stomping. How do I make it clear change is needed?

I would not single the older one out. i would tell them both that you want to downsize and they are holding you back. Sew the seeds first and then see what they say about it.

I think its a lot more common these days. You can hardly park on my street now even though everyone has driveways because each household has 4/5 cars due to all the grown up kids still living at home! I couldn't do it - we left uni in a recession with poor paying jobs and still didn't live with our parents.

Do they literally strop when you bring it up OP? That's pretty bad tbh.

Is it possible not to do any housekeeping and get him to pay for one? Essentially find a way to live with your housemates..

What is generally the issue with adult children living with parents if they contribute to the upkeep? Im genuinely curious.

You're not happy so it's time for at least the eldest who sounds spoilt to move on. Stop allowing them to make work for you, you've raised them and now they should be helping you. I think you should pick a holiday,a very expensive one, divide the cost by 6 and tell your eldest that the monthly rent amount for the next 6 months and let them know you will be taking at least two holidays a year from now on and that they are paying plus housekeeping jobs, it might shift them out.

What a nightmare, particularly if they make mess. Why haven't you taught this child to clean up and take care of themselves?

@QweenMama

I'm not having a laugh.

I would never be able to buy a family home with that in London. What kind of pension would I have with the leftovers? I'd also like a holiday home/investment. So to me, that's nothing.

So you wouldn't move out of your parents home with a mate 172k in savings?? If you can't afford to get your own place on 35k wages, you need to relocate

I hope it works out, OP. I can’t imagine having either of mine living at home at 30- unless there was a good reason like saving for a deposit, relationship breakup, etc. definitely not for the long term. We all need our personal space!

We have a rather nice house dd when she was about 11 mused that Dh and I could move out and her friends could move in!

All little kids say they will live with you forever then they hit 13 that ends believe me....