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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why Ex can't leave his GF for me and the children?

198 replies

calidreams · 08/08/2020 09:26

I left him, and he’s been with someone else for 18 months. I left him because he was lazy, but I see the change in him now and really want him back because we didn’t have other problems other than his laziness. I really love him, I regret I let him go and he says he loves me but can’t leave his girlfriend for me because they’ve talked about marriage, and he doesn’t want to “do what I did to him”, he says he’s not someone who leaves people, once he’s committed he’s committed.

We had a really heart to heart talk a few months back where we both cried, he said it’s my fault for leaving him and now I’ve put him in a awkward position where he can’t leave her even though he wants to be with me. He says he loves us both in different ways? He’s always talking about how hard it is to live away from the children, and all he wanted was for us to be a family. In my head I’m like, if that’s the case why is it so hard for you to leave this woman when you say you love me and you want us to be a family again, you cry over not living with the children?

I told him I know you don’t want to leave her because you love her. And he said yes that’s true, but it’s also because her ex treated her bad and left her, and he doesn’t want to do the same to her? He says there’s many reasons why he can’t leave.

I just can’t wrap my head around it, he’d rather not do what he’s crying about than to leave this woman. AIBU for thinking this way? Wouldn’t his children and us being a family more important than this woman? I’m sorry for the way it sounds, I know it’s ridiculous because I left him. But still he’s always crying about how hard it is to live without them and how he wished he could still live with us. Well, you have a choice, that’s just how I think? AIBU? I’m just so hurt and regret splitting up. I’m jealous of her now.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 08/08/2020 09:29

If he wanted to be with you and the dc he would.

He sounds extremely weak and full of excuses. Leave him to it. He's told you he loves his GF and won't leave her.

Also

He probably hasn't changed that much.

FelicityPike · 08/08/2020 09:30

He’s using you both. Hedging his bets.
DO NOT have sex with him!!

VinylDetective · 08/08/2020 09:30

I have a sense of deja vu. You’ve posted about this before haven’t you?

ExclamationPerfume · 08/08/2020 09:31

You both sound like you need to grow up. Messing with people's feelings including your own children.

lovellost · 08/08/2020 09:31

You left him , didn't find better so now you want him back even though he's with someone else? HmmWell BOOHOO for you . I hope they are together for a very long time . Leave them alone . YABU
HTH

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2020 09:31

To be honest I think the best thing for his gf would be to not be with him. She deserves better.
I know that comes across as a bit bitchy, but it’s unfair of him to string her along and she deserves better than that.

Wherestheline · 08/08/2020 09:31

Sounds like he misses family life more than he misses his relationship with you. You left him and he isn’t leaving her so all these conversations with you wanting him back is just putting a strain on their relationship.
Leave it alone and move on for the sake of a good coparenting relationship.

funinthesun19 · 08/08/2020 09:32

I have a sense of deja vu. You’ve posted about this before haven’t you?

I thought that too.

user1471457751 · 08/08/2020 09:33

I'm not sure why anyone thinks he's using them both. Sounds like OP didn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him.

Original poster
calidreams · 08/08/2020 09:34

@VinylDetective yes I have 😔 but it's just we're constantly talking about it, and I just can't wrap my head around why he won't leave her if he's that upset about not living with his children? Is the hurt you're going to cause her more important then the pain of not living with your children? I just don't get it, especially the way he talks about. So upset, but then won't leave Hmm it's like he'd rather go through the pain of not living with his children than to hurt her. It's weird

OP posts:
DeborahAnnabelToo · 08/08/2020 09:35

This is the third time (at least) you've posted about this. You need to move on from this. He's being a twat messing you about, no matter how you want to dress it up.

Starbuggy · 08/08/2020 09:36

He’s a dick who’s stringing you both along.

You dumped him. Sounds like you’re jealous he found someone else and you didn’t, so you deciddd you wanted him back.

You need to move on and you both need the grow up

Iwantacookie · 08/08/2020 09:36

Grow up you have children in the middle of this who are going to get hurt.
If he wanted to leave he would.
Hes made his choice pretty clear.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 08/08/2020 09:37

We all have to live with the consequences of our actions. You left him. You now have to accept the life you created. Sorry, OP.

Fallsballs · 08/08/2020 09:37

I am having deja vu too - you posted a version of this yesterday ?

aSofaNearYou · 08/08/2020 09:37

Well I feel very sorry for his girlfriend.

Original poster
calidreams · 08/08/2020 09:37

I know I need to move on, it's so hard when you love him and he's telling you he loves you and want to be with you. But I'm not dumb, if he loved me he'd be with me.

OP posts:
Pittapitta · 08/08/2020 09:38

He’s pretending to be in pain and keeping you on the hook. Everyone has choices in life if he wanted to be with you and be a family again he would be. Simple as that. You posted the other day about him taking her to fancy steak restaurants didn’t you? Are you sure you want him back or so you just want the lifestyle you think he’s having? You could have that by yourself or with friends or a new partner. Think carefully about why you want him back and why you left.

Original poster
calidreams · 08/08/2020 09:39

It's hard to let go of so many years of being together

OP posts:
Drivingdownthe101 · 08/08/2020 09:39

He’s made his choice for whatever reason, so leave them to their relationship and concentrate on co parenting effectively for your children.

dontdisturbmenow · 08/08/2020 09:39

I don't mean to be u kind, but you deserve what is happening. Too often people get rid of their partner because they are not just what they want at the exact time they want him. They are not prepared to give their partner the support they need to be a better person.

Well tough. Have you considered that he has become a better person because he is with her and she brings the best in him? You are acting no different as before, getting rid of him when he wasn't perfect and now think you deserve him because he is suddenly back to being perfect.

I hope he realises that he is better with his new partner and stop all contacts with you but for the kids. If it wasn't for them, he probably have totally moved on from you. He loves her AND she brings the best in him, it's a no winner and I hope he realises this soon.

You'll find someone else and realise that commitment is about riding the waves, sometimes it's good, sometimes it isn't so good, but with commitment and efforts, sometimes you can get back the food.

eatsleepread · 08/08/2020 09:39

You're his back up plan, in case it doesn't work out with the girlfriend.
He's playing you.
Don't be anyone's number 2.

And never forget that you left him for a reason. You've got to trust yourself, and have faith in what you do and the decisions you make.
He should have tried harder at the time, and not run off with someone else.
Sorry OP, and I know it's really hard, but you just have to get on with your life.
Sometimes people can be more attractive to us, when unavailable.
But he's cowardly and weak, and is most definitely having his cake and eating it.
Thanks

dontdisturbmenow · 08/08/2020 09:39

Haha, get back the good, not the food Grin

WaltzingBetty · 08/08/2020 09:40

[quote calidreams]@VinylDetective yes I have 😔 but it's just we're constantly talking about it, and I just can't wrap my head around why he won't leave her if he's that upset about not living with his children? Is the hurt you're going to cause her more important then the pain of not living with your children? I just don't get it, especially the way he talks about. So upset, but then won't leave Hmm it's like he'd rather go through the pain of not living with his children than to hurt her. It's weird[/quote]
It's not weird, it's pretty clear. He loves and misses his kids. He misses family life with them. He does not love you, except perhaps as the mother of his children. He loves his new girlfriend and wants to be with her. He's not being honest with you because telling you he loves her and wants to be with her rather than you, would upset you and he doesn't want to deal with the fallout.

Sorry if that sounds harsh OP, but from what you've said, his reasoning seems pretty obvious.

HolyForkinShirt · 08/08/2020 09:41

[quote calidreams]@VinylDetective yes I have 😔 but it's just we're constantly talking about it, and I just can't wrap my head around why he won't leave her if he's that upset about not living with his children? Is the hurt you're going to cause her more important then the pain of not living with your children? I just don't get it, especially the way he talks about. So upset, but then won't leave Hmm it's like he'd rather go through the pain of not living with his children than to hurt her. It's weird[/quote]

So let's say he did come back to you. Would you really be happy knowing he was only with you for the children and probably thinking about her all the time.

I think your situation is a common case of wanting what you can't have.

You made your bed, as they say

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