To not understand why Ex can't leave his GF for me and the children?

[calidreams]

I left him, and he’s been with someone else for 18 months. I left him because he was lazy, but I see the change in him now and really want him back because we didn’t have other problems other than his laziness. I really love him, I regret I let him go and he says he loves me but can’t leave his girlfriend for me because they’ve talked about marriage, and he doesn’t want to “do what I did to him”, he says he’s not someone who leaves people, once he’s committed he’s committed.

We had a really heart to heart talk a few months back where we both cried, he said it’s my fault for leaving him and now I’ve put him in a awkward position where he can’t leave her even though he wants to be with me. He says he loves us both in different ways? He’s always talking about how hard it is to live away from the children, and all he wanted was for us to be a family. In my head I’m like, if that’s the case why is it so hard for you to leave this woman when you say you love me and you want us to be a family again, you cry over not living with the children?

I told him I know you don’t want to leave her because you love her. And he said yes that’s true, but it’s also because her ex treated her bad and left her, and he doesn’t want to do the same to her? He says there’s many reasons why he can’t leave.

I just can’t wrap my head around it, he’d rather not do what he’s crying about than to leave this woman. AIBU for thinking this way? Wouldn’t his children and us being a family more important than this woman? I’m sorry for the way it sounds, I know it’s ridiculous because I left him. But still he’s always crying about how hard it is to live without them and how he wished he could still live with us. Well, you have a choice, that’s just how I think? AIBU? I’m just so hurt and regret splitting up. I’m jealous of her now.

I don't know how so many people are being so hard on exp. He's obviously going to be carrying tremendous guilt that he now doesn't want to return to family life when it wasn't him that left in the first place. I don't feel sorry for the girlfriend, at least not from a him and her perspective. Sounds like he loves her and has no intention of hurting or leaving her. He could be confiding in her about the relentless guilt tripping from OP for all we know. OP you really need to move on and just maintain an as needed for the dc relationship only!

This isn’t a case of the grass being greener on the other side. I left him for a reason, I was just sick of doing everything on my own whilst he lived the life of a single man. Did what he wanted, went out when he wanted, came home when he wanted, went out with his friends gone all night whilst ignoring me and the kids. Wouldn’t even give youngest DS his bottle of milk when he was a baby, so I had to get out of the bath to do that. We used to argue so much about everything and anything, it was exhausting looking after children whilst having a man at home doing nothing to help except living his life was he was single man, I was full of resentment. So yeah, I thought I might aswell do it alone and told him to move out.

But because he’s stepped up, and is more hands on with the kids, that’s what made me think maybe he has changed? I don’t know maybe I’m just seeing things through rose tinted glasses. Maybe he is different with his girlfriend because he doesn’t have kids with her, they have more time (and money) to go out and do things I don’t know. But regardless, I have decided to just let him go and move on. It’s going to be fucking painful, but it is what it is. What’s done is done. I have to do it. I can’t dwell on this anymore.

Are you for bloody real @calidreams?! For whatever reason(s), he was motivated/determined by his new relationship to change his 'lazy' ways (most likely because he respects her). You then, through jealousy try to break them up by getting into his ears how much you love him, etc.? Get a life and some self-respect and leave them alone. He clearly cares for her which is why he's trying to make excuses not to get back with you. Leave him to it and work on co-parenting instead of luring him back to you and messing with your Children’s heads anymore than you already probably have.

Cross posted. From what you've written, he's just not that into you whereas he really is for his new DP. Move on.

Wtaf @GrumpyHoonMain?! Is that what you'd do? No wonder you're grumpy (and you're children too probably).

OP - you left him. You rejected him- made him feel unloveable, not good enough.

How many other people would get tired of someone who is lazy? A lot. This isn’t about the op rejecting him and making him feel unlovable - it’s about her getting sick of his actions when they were together. It’s not like she just kicked him out because she wanted to be single is it? She had good reasons at the time.

I don’t think the op is thinking straight. For her own happiness and sanity, she should stay well away from him and think of the way things were when they were together. When he messed it up. If he came back tomorrow, that would be the life she would have back.

He hasn’t changed.
He doesn’t need to get back with you because some other woman is running after him now. He is just too lazy to do the emotional work if leaving his girlfriend
He is more hands in with the kids because it is now a novelty.

You are well rid of the lazy selfish arse. Stop moping and find someone new.

@calidreams - well, of course he still has feelings for you - you left him, not the other way round. You would be mad to get together again, though, if the “only” reason you left him before was that you thought he was lazy. You’ll be accusing him of that again in no time. He’s still the same person, and that person is someone you left - you didn’t stay and get counselling, or move out on the specific understanding it was temporary while you worked through the issues you had in your relationship, you left completely. There must have been a better reason for you having done that than that you wanted to teach him a lesson and didn’t think he was capable of moving on and finding someone else (if there wasn’t a better reason, then don’t be manipulative now, as you’ve doomed the relationship playing his bluff like that, anyway), so don’t be daft enough to put yourself in a situation where you try to get him to ruin his new relationship so that you two can get together again just for you to “realise“ you were right the first time. Tbh, I think you are trying to manipulate him because you don’t like him having moved on, and he’s manipulating your feelings too and getting off on being the “good guy” who is faithful and doesn’t walk out on people, and isn’t even lazy like you told him he was.

GrumpyHoonMain
Give him an ultimatum he either leaves her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids. Then leave him to it to make his decision.
You stupid person - great parent you would be / are

He is not going to have changed OP and I think you know that really. It likely is the fact they have time together without children, it does change a relationship.

This sounds completely like it's driven by jealousy to me. You didn't want him but now you don't want anyone else to have him either.

I'm sure he probably does miss his family life, living with his kids etc... But if he wanted to be with you OP, he would be. If he came back now, I guarantee it would slip right back to how it was only now you'd also know he loved another woman as well.

Get some self respect, stop trying to break up their relationship. You are the OW here, not her and it's unfair. Stop calling her 'this woman' etc... She is his partner and they are together now. You had very valid reasons for leaving him but you did leave and now he's moved on. That's tough.

This is a pure grass is always greener scenario. You don't actually want him, you just don't want her to have him.

Also are you the poster who can't stop looking at his WhatsApp?

There's a song about this:

"Foolish little girl, fickle little girl. You didn't want him when he wanted you. He's found another love, it's her he's dreaming of, and there's not a single thing that you can do."

You left him. There's nothing you can do.

I should clarify that I am not saying you're foolish OP in quoting that song. Your OP just made me think of the song. :)

He can leave his girlfriend.

He is choosing not to.

"But because he’s stepped up, and is more hands on with the kids, that’s what made me think maybe he has changed?"
How do you know he's more hands-on with the kids? You're not there. How do you know it's not his poor girlfriend doing all the grunt work whilst he behaves exactly as he's always done?

"I don’t know maybe I’m just seeing things through rose tinted glasses."
Yes.

"Maybe he is different with his girlfriend because he doesn’t have kids with her, they have more time (and money) to go out and do things I don’t know."
Maybe he's exactly the same and he's found another mug to be his domestic appliance.

"But regardless, I have decided to just let him go and move on. It’s going to be fucking painful, but it is what it is. What’s done is done. I have to do it. I can’t dwell on this anymore."
Good. Because it's pointless.

You know what?
I think it’s actually good that he doesn’t want to leave his current GF. He has decided to stay with her, that’s his choice. If he was going back to you just because you told him to/the dcs, he would be less of a man (Or a woman, sex doesn’t matter there) For doing so.

I mean what would you think of a woman who goes back to live with her ex, who dumped her, just because he said so???

But more importantly, I suspect that you would just fall back into your previous habits and he would become ‘lazy’ again anyway....

As others have said, it’s time to move on. Remember the man he was. Stop making you fairy tales in your head that he has changed and everything will be perfect forever after.
Live your life, find someone who isn’t lazy and loves YOU (not the current gf!). You’ll be much happier for it.

But because he’s stepped up, and is more hands on with the kids, that’s what made me think maybe he has changed?

He hasn't changed. It's real easy to 'step up' when the 'duties' aren't 24/7/365. Besides, how do you know he's 'stepped up' when the children are with him? You aren't there. I'd be willing to bet his poor GF does the lion's share of the 'heavy lifting' whilst he plays Disney Dad. You're being a fool. You might sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same.

Does his GF know he's having these tearful conversation with his ex (you)? I thought not. So do you realize that you are the OW in an emotional affair? I know you say you haven't had sex with him, but if there is any physical contact of a sexual nature (and that includes 'holding' and kissing) then he's also physically cheating on her. He's playing you and he's playing her. Isn't he just a fucking gem?

You're worth more than this, you really are. Get some counseling and get out.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Give him an ultimatum he either leaves her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids. Then leave him to it to make his decision.

What a fucking outrageous thing to suggest. You wouldn't actually do that would you? Presumably you aren't that terrible a person?

@calidreams you sound really manipulative. You made a decision to break up and it sounds like you're picking and picking at it now because you don't like the fact you're not getting what you want. Read your posts back and see if you can identify where your behaviour is manipulative. You need that self awareness to grow and move on. Stop all this un excess drama. You coparent brilliantly - so just do that.

And don't forget people are different in different relationships. If the him you're seeing with her is a version you prefer, that doesn't mean he'd be that person if you got back together. With be manipulation and highly emotional talks and drama it sounds like the two of you have a tendency to be a bit toxic together as a couple anyway.

You've got kids - time to grow up and respect the choices of other adults.

@calidreams

It's hard to let go of so many years of being together

It wasn't that hard when you left him tho

I think you need to realise you've made your bed now you've to lie in it

So because he's now a disney dad who only has to step up to the plate half the time (if that) and is being more helpful you have decided that you want him back? Basically you left him, he found a new relationship, realises that he misses the children and so doesn't mind pulling his weight abit when he does see them and now you want him to leave his new relationship, hurt his girlfriend, confuse your kids and then what? When hes back living with you and goes back to being lazy and not doing anything to help out with the kids you'll just leave him again?

This situation isn't fair on anyone, you need to accept that you ended a relationship for a good reason, your partner has moved on (if he still loved you then he wouldn't love her...), he misses his children yes, and if he cam be a responsible dad half the time then fantastic that will be much better for your children then growing up in a house filled with tension and an exhausted mother because dad is too lazy to do anything. You need to move on and build a new life for you and your children whilst co-parenting with your ex.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Give him an ultimatum he either leaves her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids. Then leave him to it to make his decision.

what a vile sugestion.

@GrumpyHoonMain nice, use the kids as a weapon to blackmail someone into being in a relationship with you that's the sign of a fantastic parent right there..

YABU. You left him. You dont get a say in his life now. You come across really badly, especially that you dont seem to regard his GF as anything but an inconvenience to your happiness.

I don’t think GrumpyHoonMain will be back anytime soon. They have a habit of making ridiculous comments and then not following them up. I’m convinced it’s a troll.

Op, you know what you need to do. As per your last update, just let him go and both of you get on with your lives, separately.

He wants the children not you.