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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why Ex can't leave his GF for me and the children?

198 replies

calidreams · 08/08/2020 09:26

I left him, and he’s been with someone else for 18 months. I left him because he was lazy, but I see the change in him now and really want him back because we didn’t have other problems other than his laziness. I really love him, I regret I let him go and he says he loves me but can’t leave his girlfriend for me because they’ve talked about marriage, and he doesn’t want to “do what I did to him”, he says he’s not someone who leaves people, once he’s committed he’s committed.

We had a really heart to heart talk a few months back where we both cried, he said it’s my fault for leaving him and now I’ve put him in a awkward position where he can’t leave her even though he wants to be with me. He says he loves us both in different ways? He’s always talking about how hard it is to live away from the children, and all he wanted was for us to be a family. In my head I’m like, if that’s the case why is it so hard for you to leave this woman when you say you love me and you want us to be a family again, you cry over not living with the children?

I told him I know you don’t want to leave her because you love her. And he said yes that’s true, but it’s also because her ex treated her bad and left her, and he doesn’t want to do the same to her? He says there’s many reasons why he can’t leave.

I just can’t wrap my head around it, he’d rather not do what he’s crying about than to leave this woman. AIBU for thinking this way? Wouldn’t his children and us being a family more important than this woman? I’m sorry for the way it sounds, I know it’s ridiculous because I left him. But still he’s always crying about how hard it is to live without them and how he wished he could still live with us. Well, you have a choice, that’s just how I think? AIBU? I’m just so hurt and regret splitting up. I’m jealous of her now.

OP posts:
MadeleineMaxwell · 08/08/2020 10:30

Dear lord. Stop talking to him outside of whatever childcare arrangements you need to make. Block him on SM. Focus on yourself. Build a happier life for you and the kids. Have your own stuff to do. Find someone else to make you happy. This one's a lost cause.

ChickenFriedFudge · 08/08/2020 10:31

Sounds like he's changed for her, something he was unable to do for you. Your bitterness is showing. Stop meeting up with him and put your children first.

user1294625849274 · 08/08/2020 10:38

You don't think it might be the OP who is messing with her ex's head?

The ex isn't on the thread, it would be fairly pointless trying to give him advice.

I think it's pretty hard to argue the op's head isn't in a mess and that these repeated conversations are not contributing to that. So that is the relevant observation to make.

It's also a bit disingenuous of pps to suggest a man who when he had the chance to be part of a family didn't behave like he wanted it, didn't treat the op right, and didn't pull his weight, is the wronged party who had his family "ripped away". Hmm

howfarwevecome · 08/08/2020 10:38

OP, you are now the OW, not her, you.

He's in a relationship and it's not with you.

He'll have a relationship with his DCs going forward, hopefully, but you left him, and he moved on.

If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. He didn't fight for that, though. He didn't prove to you he would change, do what it takes. Instead, he found someone else.

Leave him alone.

willowmelangell · 08/08/2020 10:38

You left him. He moved on, found someone who motivated him to be a better version of himself.
All this weeping emotion is just going around in circles. Good for his ego I suspect, but nothing else.
Pick your dignity up off the floor. Draw a line. Start afresh. He is your ex.
Let him be the best possible dad that he can be.

Moondust001 · 08/08/2020 10:39

@calidreams

I know I need to move on, it's so hard when you love him and he's telling you he loves you and want to be with you. But I'm not dumb, if he loved me he'd be with me.
Well that's a ridiculous comment - if you had loved him you wouldn't have finished with him! You chose to end the relationship. He's accepted that and moved on. I rather suspect that yes, of course he loves and misses his children, and he may even still have some veins for you, but he's also quite unwilling to take a risk that you will just chuck him over again when it suits you, or that he's telling you what want to hear ( or you are hearing what you want to hear) because he's worried you'll be too hurt by the truth.

Stop expecting him back. You made a choice and that is now the reality.

LakieLady · 08/08/2020 10:39

He's moved on.

You need to do the same.

CaMePlaitPas · 08/08/2020 10:44

I wouldn't want to be with someone who had dumped me for being lazy either. He has found love and happiness with his new girlfriend. Learn to co-parent respectfully and make peace with your past decisions and actions.

EggBoxes · 08/08/2020 10:45

I hear how much you wish things were different, but this is stopping you from moving on. At the moment you are not accepting reality and are in a stuck place. What would it mean for you to accept that he's with her and not coming back to you?

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 08/08/2020 10:46

It's hard to let go of so many years of being together

Surely you did that when you left him? you have children together, so presumably you thought it through at the time?
I agree with PP, sounds like you didn't want to be with him, but unreasonably don't want him to be with anyone else.
If he did leave his current girlfriend to be with you, how is he to know that you won't do the same again?
Think of your children in the middle of all this, and the poor girlfriend. Grow up and move on.

NYMM · 08/08/2020 10:47

.....It's also a bit disingenuous of pps to suggest a man who when he had the chance to be part of a family didn't behave like he wanted it, didn't treat the op right, and didn't pull his weight, is the wronged party who had his family "ripped away" ....

Only have one side of the story and let's be fair, it's from the one that chose to end the relationship.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/08/2020 10:48

Oh I bet he’s loving this, it’s a massive ego boost for him.

Men are very focused and driven when they want something, you’re laying it out for him but he’s not taking it which tells you everything you need to know.

LynetteScavo · 08/08/2020 10:53

I wouldn't get back together with someone who had left me either, even if I still loved them and missed family life. I wouldn't let myself be hurt again, and wouldn't want to hurt someone else the way I had been. I can see your exes point. Just leave him alone. And I doubt he's not lazy anymore.

Lucked · 08/08/2020 10:55

I don’t know if he is being deliberately cruel or telling you he still loves you (in a way) as he is trying to keep a good relationship with you so he can see the children. You are not coming across as the most rational person and you sound exhausting and to deal with. I mean he has told you he want to marry his GF and you are still harping on about how happy you could be together.

To use the much hated mumsnet phrases you need to give your head a wobble and get a grip.

Put the children first. Work on building a constructive relationship to raise them. He is not your friend or partner to unload onto. Stop having these conversations!

Oilyoilyoilgob · 08/08/2020 10:56

I feel sorry for his girlfriend who maybe has no idea what you two are doing behind her back, or even worse she does have an inkling and if so will be tying herself in knots wondering what’s going on.

Think you’ve sold yourself a fairytale of getting back together and it all being perfect. Imagine if you did get back together and both of your bad habits (we all have them!) start rubbing the wrong way? What then, you’ll finish with each other again?

You know him, you’ve loved each other, it all feels safe and familiar but for goodness sake stop being sly, both of you, behind his girlfriends back. It’s really unfair behaviour.

Tlollj · 08/08/2020 10:56

Don’t listen to what he says watch what he does. If he loved you and wanted to be with you he would.
He’s stringing you along.

EggBoxes · 08/08/2020 10:56

Oh I bet he’s loving this, it’s a massive ego boost for him.

Or he might feel tortured by it - the mixed messages, wanting the best for his children, struggling with the impact of all of this on his relationship with his kids...

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 08/08/2020 10:58

He’s not leaving her because he doesn’t want to, sorry

ispepsiokay · 08/08/2020 10:58

Looking at what you've written, he loves his girlfriend, he loves his children and he misses family life.

He doesn't love or miss you. Give up.

wildcherries · 08/08/2020 11:02

@WendyHoused

You're being ridiculous. End it now.

You left him. It's over. He's moved on. It's awful of you to be sleeping with him when you know he's with a GF he says he loves. (He's a swine for betraying her, you're complicit.)

Yep. YABU. Move on. This isn't good for anyone.
puzzledpiece · 08/08/2020 11:07

He's not being honest with his GF or with you. Suggest he lives alone for a while and doesn't contact anyone and take that time to decide who he wants to be with. Living with her and seeing you and his DC is muddying the waters. Away from both of you he will be able to feel who he really wants and who he is most drawn to. He owes honesty before loyalty, to both of you.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 08/08/2020 11:08

If he still is sleeping with OP then he is scum, and both OP and his GF deserve better.

If he isn't, then my first comment stands.

IAmTooBloodyHot · 08/08/2020 11:11

You only want him back because he is with a new woman and you are jealous. Even if he came back you'd probably get fed up with him again in a few months.

Leave him in peace fgs.

GrumpyHoonMain · 08/08/2020 11:13

Give him an ultimatum he either leaves her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids. Then leave him to it to make his decision.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 08/08/2020 11:15

her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids.

How fucked up is that? Why go to court? That's just spiteful and vengeful and there is no need for it.

Basically it's telling him be with me or I'll make it as difficult as possible to see the kids.

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