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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why Ex can't leave his GF for me and the children?

198 replies

calidreams · 08/08/2020 09:26

I left him, and he’s been with someone else for 18 months. I left him because he was lazy, but I see the change in him now and really want him back because we didn’t have other problems other than his laziness. I really love him, I regret I let him go and he says he loves me but can’t leave his girlfriend for me because they’ve talked about marriage, and he doesn’t want to “do what I did to him”, he says he’s not someone who leaves people, once he’s committed he’s committed.

We had a really heart to heart talk a few months back where we both cried, he said it’s my fault for leaving him and now I’ve put him in a awkward position where he can’t leave her even though he wants to be with me. He says he loves us both in different ways? He’s always talking about how hard it is to live away from the children, and all he wanted was for us to be a family. In my head I’m like, if that’s the case why is it so hard for you to leave this woman when you say you love me and you want us to be a family again, you cry over not living with the children?

I told him I know you don’t want to leave her because you love her. And he said yes that’s true, but it’s also because her ex treated her bad and left her, and he doesn’t want to do the same to her? He says there’s many reasons why he can’t leave.

I just can’t wrap my head around it, he’d rather not do what he’s crying about than to leave this woman. AIBU for thinking this way? Wouldn’t his children and us being a family more important than this woman? I’m sorry for the way it sounds, I know it’s ridiculous because I left him. But still he’s always crying about how hard it is to live without them and how he wished he could still live with us. Well, you have a choice, that’s just how I think? AIBU? I’m just so hurt and regret splitting up. I’m jealous of her now.

OP posts:
Original poster
calidreams · 08/08/2020 11:19

I haven't slept with him since he moved out, and I wouldn't keep the children away from him. He knows this, so this is not to "keep me sweet". He lives 10 mins away, he had the kids every weekend before COVID, and now it's one week off one week on. There was a lot going at the time, he was a different person then and there was a reason why I left him. I was dealing with everything on my own. Now that we've had some space, I thought there was a chance we could make it work especially with the things he's been telling me. I've seen the change in him, and I really love him, so it's hard not to think like that.

But I'm still stuck in the past, and haven't really been able to move on because of the things he was saying to me, and making me feel.

Thank you for all your advice, even the hard ones. I know I need to let him go and move on, I know this.

And I also agree with PP who said one of the reasons why he doesn't want to be back with me is because he scared I might leave him again, and he's left her for me. So I get that.

OP posts:
EggBoxes · 08/08/2020 11:31

But I'm still stuck in the past, and haven't really been able to move on because of the things he was saying to me, and making me feel.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space there is a choice“.

Jux · 08/08/2020 11:40

He says all those things to you because he doesn't want a row. If he really wanted you she wouldn't get a look in.

Maybe he no longer trusts you - you did dump him after all. Perhaps he believes that she won't do that, while he knows you will.

Move on with your own life. Leave him behind, he's your past not your future.

emilybrontescorsett · 08/08/2020 11:40

Bloody hell Grumpy that's one sure way to screw up the children's lives.
Everywhere right to see their father.

WaltzingBetty · 08/08/2020 11:44

@GrumpyHoonMain

Give him an ultimatum he either leaves her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids. Then leave him to it to make his decision.
Don't do this. Denying your children a relationship with their father for your own petty revenge will do nothing except show you're a terrible person who he was right to leave. Plus it'll land you with a significant legal bill. It's terrible advice.
KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/08/2020 11:50

It sounds like he doesn't want to be with you but missed loving with his children in a family set up, hence the 'he lives your and gf in different ways', he loves you add the mother of his children and it is possible to be away from them and the love he thought he would have, by he loves her as a partner more than you. If he didn't he would've left her. You choose to leave for reasons, it's unlikely he's done a huge personality change since then, he might be different with her because they have a different dynamic and no mutual children or doesn't mean he wouldn't go back to old patterns with you. He's said no, you need to move on.

ballsdeep · 08/08/2020 11:53

[quote calidreams]@VinylDetective yes I have 😔 but it's just we're constantly talking about it, and I just can't wrap my head around why he won't leave her if he's that upset about not living with his children? Is the hurt you're going to cause her more important then the pain of not living with your children? I just don't get it, especially the way he talks about. So upset, but then won't leave Hmm it's like he'd rather go through the pain of not living with his children than to hurt her. It's weird[/quote]
He doesn't want to be with you. You left him, it was your choice. now he's with someone else you decide to play god and want him back. He's probably not changed but his new gf is accepting of who he is. Leave them alone and move on. You've made your bed and now you have to lie in it

monkeyonthetable · 08/08/2020 12:04

He sounds pathetic. Can't leave his girlfriend to be a proper father to his children? Are you sure he's less lazy now?

strawberrypip · 08/08/2020 12:06

firstly, you're probably looking at your relationship through rose tinted glasses. you left him for a reason - try to keep that in mind. secondly, if he can feel like that about both of you at the same time do you honestly think you would trust him if you were together? this is more drama then its worth. focus on co parenting atm and move on with your life.

also, please ignore the ridiculous advice to give him an ultimatum and use the kids as a weapon. that's cruel on your kids and more damaging then some realise.

Original poster
calidreams · 08/08/2020 12:11

also, please ignore the ridiculous advice to give him an ultimatum and use the kids as a weapon. that's cruel on your kids and more damaging then some realise.*

No I'd never do this. I'd never use the children as a weapon no matter what. We coparent brilliantly, he comes and picks them up when he says he will, and drops them off. We never argue about the children, we both want the best for them. It's just the relationship between us that's fucked up.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 08/08/2020 12:12

Being with his children and being a family was not more important to you. You left him, you broke the family, you separated him from his children.

Now he's found some stability with someone he loves , you want to break that partnership too.

Everything he says, indicates that trust, security, integrity, are his top priorities. You don't fit that set.

He can't trust you; you might change your fickle, selfish mind again and put him and his children through all the pain of separation all over again.

That's why he won't leave her. Because of you.

    .
Pillypocket666 · 08/08/2020 12:15

NRFT where does your DP feature in all this?

SteelyPanther · 08/08/2020 12:30

Is he sleeping with you behind her back so he has the best of both worlds ?

Viviennemary · 08/08/2020 12:30

Why did you end the relationship. Did you end it because you thought he'd come back. That doesn't always work. It is difficult for you to see he's moved on and doesn't want to come back when you still have feelings for him. Maybe you were too demanding. Or maybe he was lazy and selfish. I don't know.

SteelyPanther · 08/08/2020 12:31

Sorry - just seen the answer to my question

fairlyplump · 08/08/2020 12:46

you kidding yourself, he doesn't love you, as he would be with you, its a simple as that.

claireyjs · 08/08/2020 12:47

It was your choice to leave him...grow up and deal with the consequences.

ilovesooty · 08/08/2020 12:56

@LakieLady

He's moved on.

You need to do the same.

Exactly. Exercise some boundaries and confine your communication to what is necessary for the well being of your children.
SuperlativeScrubs · 08/08/2020 12:58

His poor girlfriend. You need to grow up, own what you did and move the fuck on. Stop trying to ruin his and his new GF's life.

SuperlativeScrubs · 08/08/2020 13:00

I am also going to point out that the change in him came from being away from you in a new relationship with someone else. Not with you. High chance he will just go back to normal even if he did want to leave the person he loves for you.

TheAquaticDuchess · 08/08/2020 13:03

The sad but irrefutable truth is that he doesn’t really want to be with you OP. If he wanted to he would find a way. Truly he would. He isn’t because he doesn’t actually want to.

You left him because he wasn’t right for you - try to hold on to that and remember why. If he was going to change and suddenly be a good partner he would have done it when you were together. You would just be bringing him back into your life for the same shit.

I think you should stop having these heart to hearts. It’s not helping you - and he is being a dick to his new partner by telling you these things. Keep your discussions to practical topics to do with the children and stop letting him have emotional real estate in your head.

Standrewsschool · 08/08/2020 13:12

I feel sorry for new gf and for your dc, who are innocent victims of your angst.

Maybe the changes have occurred due to gf’s influence? She maybe Is good for him.

Stop stringing him alone and stop having these heart-to-hearts. They’re not good for anyone. Being jealous of their relationship isn’t good for anyone.

Illuyanka · 08/08/2020 13:12

Only read OP's comments. I don't think you are a nice person, OP. You don't sound like you care about other people's feelings. If he came back dumping his girl friend, you maybe dumping him again if he became not good enough for you again.

Devlesko · 08/08/2020 13:17

You live and learn OP, you left him, he moved on.
Why should he leave a new relationship for you? He has someone knew and coming back for the kids would be wrong.
Hopefully he's a good dad and can be just as well with his new gf.

KatherineJaneway · 08/08/2020 13:32

Actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to be with you, he would be Flowers

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