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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand why Ex can't leave his GF for me and the children?

198 replies

calidreams · 08/08/2020 09:26

I left him, and he’s been with someone else for 18 months. I left him because he was lazy, but I see the change in him now and really want him back because we didn’t have other problems other than his laziness. I really love him, I regret I let him go and he says he loves me but can’t leave his girlfriend for me because they’ve talked about marriage, and he doesn’t want to “do what I did to him”, he says he’s not someone who leaves people, once he’s committed he’s committed.

We had a really heart to heart talk a few months back where we both cried, he said it’s my fault for leaving him and now I’ve put him in a awkward position where he can’t leave her even though he wants to be with me. He says he loves us both in different ways? He’s always talking about how hard it is to live away from the children, and all he wanted was for us to be a family. In my head I’m like, if that’s the case why is it so hard for you to leave this woman when you say you love me and you want us to be a family again, you cry over not living with the children?

I told him I know you don’t want to leave her because you love her. And he said yes that’s true, but it’s also because her ex treated her bad and left her, and he doesn’t want to do the same to her? He says there’s many reasons why he can’t leave.

I just can’t wrap my head around it, he’d rather not do what he’s crying about than to leave this woman. AIBU for thinking this way? Wouldn’t his children and us being a family more important than this woman? I’m sorry for the way it sounds, I know it’s ridiculous because I left him. But still he’s always crying about how hard it is to live without them and how he wished he could still live with us. Well, you have a choice, that’s just how I think? AIBU? I’m just so hurt and regret splitting up. I’m jealous of her now.

OP posts:
Heischeatingisnthe · 08/08/2020 10:02

He misses family life and his kids. You can’t love two people at once. He cares about you as the mother of his kids and maybe missed what you had. But if he came back now, you would forever be questioning if he was only here for the children .
He probably is scared to tell you straight up incase he doesn’t get near his kids or something.
Are you sleeping with him?

Soundbyte · 08/08/2020 10:02

He hasn’t changed that much if he’s blaming you for ‘leaving him’ without accepting any responsibility for his behaviour that contributed to it. He’s dangling you and his GF on a string. Stop messaging each other, make a clean break and aim higher for yourself and the kids in future.

sst1234 · 08/08/2020 10:04

OP cannot make her mind up. If the get back together she will be back here in six months saying how she made the same mistake twice. Poor ex and new GF.

CJsGoldfish · 08/08/2020 10:04

It's just that when he's crying about it, it makes it so genuine. And I start to think, maybe he does love me as much as he says he does, otherwise he wouldn't cry?
Depends to what extent you are using children OP. Dangling them in front of him as a "come back to me and you can see them" or constantly telling him how much they need him to come 'home'.
That the grass wasn't greener for you is not his fault OP so why not just accept the consequences of your actions. You didn't want him and he moved on.

JadesRollerDisco · 08/08/2020 10:07

Sounds like he loves his kids and living with them. But doesn't miss the relationship and is happier with the new GF relationship wise. But what he really wants? You to not have dumped him in the first place. Everything else now will only ever be a compromise

WendyHoused · 08/08/2020 10:08

You're being ridiculous. End it now.

You left him. It's over. He's moved on. It's awful of you to be sleeping with him when you know he's with a GF he says he loves. (He's a swine for betraying her, you're complicit.)

Drumple · 08/08/2020 10:08

You didn’t want to be with him and now he’s moved on you do want him.

You can’t keep him dangling that’s not fair.

It’s a bit dog in the manger isn’t it.

You need to find a way to Accept it and get on with the rest of your life.

sobersides · 08/08/2020 10:09

You really need to stop these conversations with your EX. It's not helpful to either of you.
Keep handovers brief then get on with your day. I split with my EX last year and have very mixed emotions about him. If I were having long heart to hearts rehashing it over and over I know I'd never get over him and move on.

BluebellsGreenbells · 08/08/2020 10:11

I agree. You need to stop with these conversations. You aren’t his councillor. You aren’t his mother. You are an Ex for a reason.

He has no right to say these things to you.

Next time tell him to speak to his GF about these feelings, that what she’s there for.

Barbie222 · 08/08/2020 10:12

I think he's moved on, sorry, and is just telling you what you want to hear. It would be easy as you say for him to return if he wanted to.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 08/08/2020 10:12

On the whole people do what they want to do. If he wanted to leave her and come back to you he would. Ignore the tears and the drama and accept this truth. It would be very easy for him to come back and he is choosing not to.

And it’s probably for the best. If he came back the things that pissed you off before would resurface once the honeymoon period was over and you would probably break up again very soon. Your kids deserve better than that.

I’m a psychotherapist and work a lot with young people in the 14-20 age group. The harm caused by parents and stepparents boomeranging in and out of family life is appalling. Don’t be that person.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/08/2020 10:12

He's crying for what should have been and the idea of living as a "family", he is not crying for you.

He's moved on and loves someone else now, but is too much of a coward to say it outright to you because he knows it will hurt you, tbh he shouldn't have to. Stop talking about it, it is doing neither of you any good. Get on with coparenting.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 08/08/2020 10:15

He misses the kids, loves the kids and wants to be with the kids. The only reason he's adding YOU to the mix is because he doesn't want to piss you off and risk things going bad. Of course, that is absolutely stupid and a complete mindfuck that's going to blow up in his face.

You need to move on.

ThousandsAreSailing · 08/08/2020 10:15

You need to get tough with him. He is talking bollocks and stringing you along.
Keep talk factual, short and don't let him get emotional with you. Walk away
He must be loving the attention

user1294625849274 · 08/08/2020 10:16

Stop having these conversations with him. Stop giving him chances to fuck with your head.

You know that denial and bargaining are common experiences of grief? They sound like what you're doing.

You won't be able to process your grief for the life you dreamed of having with him (which is not the same as the life you ever would have had with him and why you left) or move forward as long as you keep having these conversations and spinning yourself round in circles like this.

Chloemol · 08/08/2020 10:17

It’s obvious that actually he doesn’t love you as much as his current girlfriend. It’s as simple as that. Add in the hurt he must have felt when you left, and whilst he loves and misses the kids, actually he doesn’t love you as such, just misses family life

The grass isn’t always greener as you have come to find out. So leave him a,one, let him get on with his life and you get on with yours

TheDuchessOfAquitaine · 08/08/2020 10:19

You are getting excellent advice here OP. Please listen to it. Forget getting back with him and move on. You will save yourself years of torture.

Soontobe60 · 08/08/2020 10:20

Why are you having such conversations with your ex?

GisAFag · 08/08/2020 10:20

Leave him alone. You left. He's moved on. Find someone else.

TableFlowerss · 08/08/2020 10:24

If he wanted to be with you - he would be. I don’t think he loves you the way he now loves her. I think he misses the family life with his kids etc and that’s why he was crying etc.

You don’t love 2 prople at the same time.

Look at how many people have affairs and they don’t necessarily want to split up with their actual partner but they still betray their trust because of the urges to shag about.

So I find it hard to believe he desperately wants to be with you as a person, over her, but his morals are so high he can’t..... he doesn’t have to cheat on her.

He could explain that he wants to separate and get with you and the kids. People can’t help how they feel so she couldn’t really call him a bad guy for being honest.

Truth is- he doesn’t want to

BrieAndChilli · 08/08/2020 10:24

How do you know he’s changed? All you know is what he’s telling you /what he and her put on social media?

NYMM · 08/08/2020 10:26

You can't just turn on and off feelings and if your Ex still loves you it doesn't make him a 'dick' or that he's stringing you along.
He wanted a family life but you whipped it out from under him. He's made a new life with someone else but still desperately missed the family life he thought he'd had with you.

Move on but continue to respect he has a new life without you but his children are very much part of his life.

1forAll74 · 08/08/2020 10:26

He has got settled with a new partner now, so you have to accept that. He can still say that he has some feelings for you and the children, because you have history together, but that doesn't mean he want's to come back to you, as he has moved on,after you told him to leave.
Maybe too late for regrets now.

corythatwas · 08/08/2020 10:28

Stop having these conversations with him. Stop giving him chances to fuck with your head.

You don't think it might be the OP who is messing with her ex's head? She left him, she is now, by the sounds of it, using his love for his children to blackmail him into leaving a woman he has committed to (in good faith) in the meantime. Why should his relationship with his children depend on his relationship with their mother? And how on earth would he know she won't dump him again if he comes back?

Candyfloss99 · 08/08/2020 10:30

He misses his children. Not you.

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