To not understand why Ex can't leave his GF for me and the children?

[calidreams]

I left him, and he’s been with someone else for 18 months. I left him because he was lazy, but I see the change in him now and really want him back because we didn’t have other problems other than his laziness. I really love him, I regret I let him go and he says he loves me but can’t leave his girlfriend for me because they’ve talked about marriage, and he doesn’t want to “do what I did to him”, he says he’s not someone who leaves people, once he’s committed he’s committed.

We had a really heart to heart talk a few months back where we both cried, he said it’s my fault for leaving him and now I’ve put him in a awkward position where he can’t leave her even though he wants to be with me. He says he loves us both in different ways? He’s always talking about how hard it is to live away from the children, and all he wanted was for us to be a family. In my head I’m like, if that’s the case why is it so hard for you to leave this woman when you say you love me and you want us to be a family again, you cry over not living with the children?

I told him I know you don’t want to leave her because you love her. And he said yes that’s true, but it’s also because her ex treated her bad and left her, and he doesn’t want to do the same to her? He says there’s many reasons why he can’t leave.

I just can’t wrap my head around it, he’d rather not do what he’s crying about than to leave this woman. AIBU for thinking this way? Wouldn’t his children and us being a family more important than this woman? I’m sorry for the way it sounds, I know it’s ridiculous because I left him. But still he’s always crying about how hard it is to live without them and how he wished he could still live with us. Well, you have a choice, that’s just how I think? AIBU? I’m just so hurt and regret splitting up. I’m jealous of her now.

presumably you didn't leave him on a whim. He probably hasn't changed. Or maybe he can't get away with the same shit when he's with her.

It is very unlikely that if you got back together he'd treat you any differently to how he did before.

Stop torturing yourself with these conversations with him. It's not fair on any of you. And it's especially not fair on his new gf who does not deserve this. You are being shitty to her. So is he.

Op, if you did get back together how do you know he wouldn’t be the same person he was when you split? He might seem all rosy now, but you might just be going back to the life you had before and up back in square one.

Are you having sex with him?

Cos the cynical view is cake and eating it.

Or he lives her, deep heartfelt true love so he doesn't want to have her but he misses his kids and he lives you as the women he has a part and a family with but not enough to be with you forever. Thing is him coming back just for the kids when he isn't in love with you, that's not fair on you.

You need to get strong and firm. Tell him you're not discussing it anymore unless he's on your doorstep with a suitcase and every time he brings it up, change the subject. At the very least it's a massive ego boost. Gf at home and the ex pleading with you to come back

You left him for a reason, why has he all of a sudden changed? It took for him to find someone different to pull his finger out his arse, why?
You left him for a pretty good reason so these responses are harsh. If you had posted before the split saying you were unhappy because he was so lazy, people would have told you to leave.

It's human nature to want what others have.
You want him because you can't have him.
If he truly loved you he would be with you.
He isn't worth it.
He isn't putting his children first and that should tell you enough about the type of person he is.

@dontdisturbmenow

That was fucking brutal.

Poor woman.

If he wanted you he wouldn’t make excuses, he has no intentions of being with you he’s probably just keeping you as back up if his relationship fails. Have some self respect and stop chasing/begging him, he’ll know he’ll always have you at his beck and call otherwise. Your children need you to be mature and move on for their sake, it’ll never work just let him go.

Maybe she’s pregnant.

So let's say he did come back to you. Would you really be happy knowing he was only with you for the children and probably thinking about her all the time. *

I know, I've thought about this too. If he moved back in, it's very unlikely he would just forget about her like that, I know he would think about her and miss her. And I don't think I could deal with, it would just cause another problem. I guess I just have to trust the process, do the hard work and move on.

Sorry but if he wanted to be with you he would. You left him so this is the consequence of your actions

He’s stringing you both along which isn’t fair you need to forget about him and move on

He doesn't love you. If he did he would be with you.
Move on.

Words mean nothing, that is why we say "actions speak louder than words" if you are still sleeping with him then of course he is going to keep you dangling. The minute you stop sleeping with him he will marry the his girlfriend.

If he wanted to be with you, he would. He doesn't. You need to stop this and move on. Stop what if and if only, it isn't going to happen.

Maybe he should be lazy with her and see if she will dump him? But honestly I think he’ll go back to being lazy when he’s back with you.

It's just that when he's crying about it, it makes it so genuine. And I start to think, maybe he does love me as much as he says he does, otherwise he wouldn't cry?

Thank you. I needed to hear it. As tough as it is.

he says he’s not someone who leaves people

I left him because he was lazy

I don't see these two things as separate. He's lazy, anything for an easy life.

I don't think he deserves either of you to be honest. Get higher standards for yourself.

And I don't think I can deal with, it would just cause another problem

Not to be rude, but why are you trying to split up their relationship when you don't think you could handle being with him after this, anyway? He would be the same guy you broke up with only also hung up on someone else. If you couldn't manage it before you're not going to now.

Having said that, I really hope he does leave her. My blood is boiling imagining an innocent woman putting the effort in for a man with this much baggage, only for him to be telling his ex he still loves her as well behind her back. She deserves so much better.

He loves the kids and misses them but he does not miss you. He loves you as their mother but that's it. Time to move on.

dontdisturbmenow so it's a womans responsibility to make sure her partner actually pulls his weight and isn't a lazy idiot?

dontdisturbmenow Yes, people should just stay in bad relationships/toxic relationships/dysfunctional relationships/abusive relationships because they should stick it out at support their partner so that they might have a unicorns and rainbows happy ending Go to the relationships board and say that.

The op trusted her instincts at the time. He was a lazy twat. That’s on HIM. There are no excuses for that kind of behaviour.
Think about it. He has no children with his new girlfriend, so has a bit of a free life when the kids are with the op. Of course he isn’t going to be as lazy because life is probably more exciting. But the cracks will appear in time and the mask will fall off.

Op needs to get rid of him for good and build a new happy life for herself. His girlfriend also needs to bin him too.

How utterly selfish you are.

Your ex loves and misses his DC and the idea of family life. He knows you would take him back in a heartbeat but hasn't come back. You should stop talking about how you feel and get on with sorting out a new life for yourself without him.

You show no understanding for the reasons he has given as to why he won't leave his gf. You hurt him and you now want him to hurt someone else for you. What kind of person does that make you? It isn't a very nice one.

You left him, now move on. Accept it.

And I start to think, maybe he does love me as much as he says he does, otherwise he wouldn't cry?

Course he would. Some fake tears and he gets to have his cake and eat it.

He would be with you if he wanted to be. More than that, he’s told you pretty explicitly that this is punishment for you leaving him. He wants to show you how it feels. It serves his ego to keep you on the boundary, regretting letting him go and ready to welcome him back with open arms, while he builds a new life with his girlfriend. He’s even told you that he’s talking about marriage.

I also fear for his girlfriend because she will be a stepmum to children with a lazy dad. I feel really sorry for her.

He treats you like shit, he's still in the early phase of the relationship with new gf where he's trying to convince her he isn't shit - he's still wearing the mask he used to lure you in.

As soon as he feels he has her trapped, he will begin to abuse her too. He's probably already headworking her at minimum.

He's still shit, he'll always be shit, don't take him back - you were right to leave. Completely disengage from his manipulations. Totally dispassionate comms about kids only and only when absolutely necessary.