To not understand why Ex can't leave his GF for me and the children?

[calidreams]

I left him, and he’s been with someone else for 18 months. I left him because he was lazy, but I see the change in him now and really want him back because we didn’t have other problems other than his laziness. I really love him, I regret I let him go and he says he loves me but can’t leave his girlfriend for me because they’ve talked about marriage, and he doesn’t want to “do what I did to him”, he says he’s not someone who leaves people, once he’s committed he’s committed.

We had a really heart to heart talk a few months back where we both cried, he said it’s my fault for leaving him and now I’ve put him in a awkward position where he can’t leave her even though he wants to be with me. He says he loves us both in different ways? He’s always talking about how hard it is to live away from the children, and all he wanted was for us to be a family. In my head I’m like, if that’s the case why is it so hard for you to leave this woman when you say you love me and you want us to be a family again, you cry over not living with the children?

I told him I know you don’t want to leave her because you love her. And he said yes that’s true, but it’s also because her ex treated her bad and left her, and he doesn’t want to do the same to her? He says there’s many reasons why he can’t leave.

I just can’t wrap my head around it, he’d rather not do what he’s crying about than to leave this woman. AIBU for thinking this way? Wouldn’t his children and us being a family more important than this woman? I’m sorry for the way it sounds, I know it’s ridiculous because I left him. But still he’s always crying about how hard it is to live without them and how he wished he could still live with us. Well, you have a choice, that’s just how I think? AIBU? I’m just so hurt and regret splitting up. I’m jealous of her now.

I think he enjoys drama, he enjoys feeling like two women want him, and he's enjoying getting to punish you. The "I won't do to her what you did to me" line? Come on... He's dragging this out because his ego loves it, and he can tell himself he's giving it his time because of his children.

Chances are that if he came back he would revert to type very quickly. Especially as you should be grateful to have him back... How do you know he's not lazy anymore? Maybe his GF is the type to act like an unpaid PR to her partners.

People are being quite unnecessarily harsh on the op here.
At first when I saw the thread, all of my sympathy lay with his girlfriend who I still strongly believe deserves way better than him.

Now though, people are making it out like the op dumped him for no good reason and that he’s this poor little victim who wasn’t supported enough by her. Rubbish!
He’s only less lazy now because life is more exciting due to having some child free time when the children are with the op. Maybe his girlfriend does bring out a better version of him. For now. But as times goes by and the relationship evolves, he’ll soon slip back. I have no doubt at all in my mind that if and when she becomes a stepmum to his kids he will leave it all to her.

The op just needs to forget him now and focus on her and the children. She’s better off without him. And so is his girlfriend!

It's hard to let go of so many years of being together

Yes. But he has achieved it.

He does not want to return. You do not need to understand it (there was an interesting TED talk about that a while ago).

You do however need to get on and live your life going forwards, which means full acceptance that it is over.

@calidreams

I know I need to move on, it's so hard when you love him and he's telling you he loves you and want to be with you. But I'm not dumb, if he loved me he'd be with me.

You need to stop having these types of conversations, you dumped him so why the hell would he want to put himself in the position where that could happen again? Stick to talks about the kids and pick up and drop off and simply don't spend any time with him discussing a potential reconciliation.

Why would you trust a man who is stringing both women along, at the very best he is breaking the new GFs trust by having these conversations with you.

It sounds to me like he is crying and upset not because he loves you both but he loves his new girlfriend and being a family and living with his children.

If he wanted to be with you he would be. That’s upsetting to hear I know.

What has improved in him? He probably has only improved because of the new girlfriend. If he has become more into healthy eating or going out to fun places and restaurants then it is probably the girlfriend that is arranging all of that and if he was with you he wouldn’t do it anyway.

Also on realty if he were to come back to you, you would struggle to trust him and would keep thinking that he was talking to his girlfriend.

I would move on (or at least pretend to move on) he will soon let you know if he does actually want you back.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Give him an ultimatum he either leaves her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids. Then leave him to it to make his decision.

That sounds insane - dump your partner and come back or you will never see your kids again without a Court Order forcing me to let you see them?

Cos he doesn't love you, but you go ahead and shag him.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Give him an ultimatum he either leaves her or your relationship ends and he has to go to court to get access to the kids. Then leave him to it to make his decision.

Absolutely awful advice. You do not, ever, use children as a pawn like this. Honestly GrumpyHoonMein what is wrong with you?

I agree he’s giving you mixed signals. I don’t think he wants to be with you anymore. Your heads just believing what is wants to. He obviously misses his children and most likely misses living with them all the time. The fact is, if he really wanted to be with you, he would be.

@funinthesun19

People are being quite unnecessarily harsh on the op here. At first when I saw the thread, all of my sympathy lay with his girlfriend who I still strongly believe deserves way better than him.

Now though, people are making it out like the op dumped him for no good reason and that he’s this poor little victim who wasn’t supported enough by her. Rubbish!
He’s only less lazy now because life is more exciting due to having some child free time when the children are with the op. Maybe his girlfriend does bring out a better version of him. For now. But as times goes by and the relationship evolves, he’ll soon slip back. I have no doubt at all in my mind that if and when she becomes a stepmum to his kids he will leave it all to her.

The op just needs to forget him now and focus on her and the children. She’s better off without him. And so is his girlfriend!

Completely agree with this

Hes having his cake and eating it

Men are quite good at going after things they want. I'm sure he still cares for you but ultimately this is the relationship he wants (and if he's that lazy, good luck to her if they have kids). Laziness is serious; you'd have been consumed with running around after him wiping his bum and I'm not surprised you left. Blaming you for this rather than accepting he was not being responsible is manipulative.

He misses his children, but realises that if he comes back with you, the same thing might happen, it is better for them to have a stable family, even if he is not living with them. Also he probably finds you two get along better if he is not living with you, he is just trying to do it kindly.

But it is bollocks him saying once he is committed he is committed as he left you by the fact he didn't want to change so you told him to go. He wasn't committed enough to you to change so he is saying what he thinks makes him look good.

Definitely take notice of his ACTIONS never his words. He sounds like he’s loving keeping you hanging on. Believe me people do not just stay with someone because they are too polite to end it.

There's a reason why you left him. I'm sure you are looking back with rose-tinted glasses.

It's not nice that you are trying to split up his relationship. You probably don't like the idea of him being with someone else. That's all. It's normal to feel a bit jealous, but you've got to move on!

Take a step back and get on with your life. If you are really the one for him, he will eventually come back. But if he does, I bet you realise he wasn't all that, after all.

You left him and now you want him back.

If the sexes were reversed, pretty much everyone would be saying how manipulative your ex was and how you should ignore his pleas.

It's just that when he's crying about it, it
makes it so genuine

LOL

It sounds like you think you can drop and him and pick him up again when you feel like it and so what if he's found someone else, he should always come back to you when YOU decide it?

I'm sorry. I'm sure this is a shit situation if it's not fair of you to try to break up their relationship because you've realised you did the wrong thing.

Also he could be better now because of her. So why do you get to take him from her

What @TakemedowntoPotatoCity said....so true.

You seem very manipulative and immature. You made a decision and realised that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Fortunately, he doesn't want you back. The kids are still his priority, you are not. Move on.

BUT it is wrong of him to string you along and say those things behind his gf's back.

If he wanted to be with you then surely he would be but he could be confused.

When you left him he probably hoped you'd come back and now you have but it's shit timing as he has found someone else.

You didn't want him but you didn't want anyone else to have him?

Too late, he's made a new life and now you need too.

This sounds like it’s all being driven by jealousy and nothing else. He won’t have changed. Lazy people are lazy all their lives in general with very few exceptions.

OP - you left him. You rejected him- made him feel unloveable, not good enough. It’s unlikely he trusts you anymore despite missing the kids and the family. It’s not straight forward. He can be conflicted, but I think it’s unfair to continue to pursue him. You are making it about you, and it’s holding you both back.
I actually think he’s been relatively empathetic to both you and his new partner. He’s not told you to F off when you’ve expressed you want him back, and has given you time to talk. You seem to have a good relationship in terms of co- parenting and that’s an achievement in itself so I’d focus on moving on.

@GrumpyHoonMain you sound absolutely vile! Woman kicks man out, man starts new relationship, woman wants man back and you advise tell him he has to cone back or he'll have to go to court to see his children!!

Imagine that roles reversed.

I don't have much sympathy for you, OP. You ended the relationship. It's extremely unfair to expect to have him back when he's moved on. What guarantee does he have that you won't pull the same shit again?

He's being a dick telling you he loves you and wants to be with you because if that were true he would be with you. He's also being a dick to his gf.

Neither of you come out of this well but you need to move on.