I think he gets called ugly

[shesgrownhorns]

Ds (12) is going into year 8 at high school. He says he enjoys it but I am really worried about him. He's chubby, wears strong glasses and there's no denying that his ears stick out. I know that he gets called names at school, he's made the occasional remark (she calls me Mickey Mouse) being an example. He's not complaining or appearing to be upset by this, just mentions it in passing but he shrugs it off saying he doesn't care when I ask him about it. This morning dd (11) and him were bickering and dd said 'have you looked in the mirror recently' . I told her to apologise for this and he said 'it's ok, it happens often.' He said this in a quiet but matter of fact way. My heart went out to him. I don't know what to do to for the best - do I talk to him gently and ask if he's being called names persistently? My fear is that in doing that I look like I am assuming that people do actually view him as ugly. Another option is to ignore and laugh off, but is this making too much light of it? I cannot possibly believe that he is not hurt by this even though he shrugs things off. AIBU to be worried sick?

The responses itt are horrifyingly.

The solution to bullying is apparently to fix what the bullies bully people about.

Except you can't fix everything bullies bully people about.

And you.continue to teach people that judging others on appearance and commenting on it or bullying them about it is acceptable.

This reminds of a makeover show in TV I saw where a tall, athletic, slim lady with a small.bust was bullied by a team mate or two (using the word mate loosely there) about it on her netball or volleyball.team. She was called a bean pole, an ironing board, pancake etc etc - all in a ribbing "funny" way. Said team mates were fairly stocky women but I was unaware of her responding with any such comments about their less than Barbie like perfection. They had fairly big boobs so they were apparently ok and she was to be picked fun at.

The makeover was done a d included, to my absolute shock, breast implants. Her reveal involved her walking on a cat walk in a bikini and sarong. Her team "mates" were asked Inna challenging, almost triumphant manner by the programme presenter what they thought of her figure now.

It was absolutely flabbergasting.

It was literally "fix what cunt-y bitches take the piss out if you about and then say "see, I'm not ABC anymore" ,not "tell cunty bitches to fuck off, clap back at cunty bitches about their own flaws, do not associate with cunty bitches" etc.

It's just encouraging people to continue to be shallow, bullying, filter-less assholes, not having discernment yourself about what their behaviour tells you about their character (bad lesson), teaching you to change and fix yourself to not be treated badly by other people (v bad lesson).

Ask.him what he wants ... Maybe he'd like genuine friends a d maybe he'd like to look the way he naturally looks.

Children are just so mean!! But he doesn’t mind then just see how this year plays out At school. I often find very good looking people boring, but often people who aren’t so good look have much better personalities and often great sense of humour which all develop because they have to learn to because they can’t rely on there looks.

Yes!!! Agree and empathise with this

My DH had his ears pinned back (long before I met him) and said it was extremely painful to recover from.

All these posters talking at op "ears pinned back,now; you should have already done this" like he's a fucking show dog and she's getting his tail docked or his ears cropped (which is seen as unethical now incidentally).

Maybe he should lead the way, what a novel thought. If he wanted anything done he may well have asked before now, perhaps he had actual confidence and good sense.

I feel for you OP, and I'm sure your instinct is to do whatever you can you help him. I'd have a chat with him, find out what's being said and how he feels about it and if he wants to do anything about it. If he doesn't that's fine, but if he does you can say that you can help him when he's ready, that it's up to him and you'll follow his lead. Don't go in guns blazing suggesting x,y and z but go gently and make sure he knows you've got his back. Maybe start by asking how he feels about going back to school and take it from there. And make sure DD knows there are lines she mustn't cross. My youngest has something he's incredibly sensitive about and the older two know they are not to tease him about it or else. Obviously they throw comments around at times but they know I won't tolerate it beyond the lightest tease. Your DS needs to know that home is safe, even if school sadly isn't at times. That said, kids can be surprisingly resilient and it might be that it's not as bad as you think. Good luck OP.

I think you should ask him about how he's feeling about himself mentally and physically. This could be in the context of growing up and his changing body and appearance. Let him know that if there are things he might like to change (but please don't re-enforce negative of weight, glasses, ears etc) keep it fairly easy breezy and focus on the postive, does he want funky new glasses/geek tshirt/new trainers as a treat to symbolise him starting a new chapter of his life. He is maturing giving him the authority over his own appearance with your support will give him confidence to change if he wants to or stay as he is if that's what he wants.

Contact lenses / thinner lenses, diet and exercise (slimming world have a plan for kids). Why make him suffer when he doesn’t have to?

Oh no, poor boy, that’s heartbreaking x I can’t stand people who judge others on looks. I bet he’s lovely anyway x

My son had acne and needed braces at the same age, I didn't want to say to him, "right we are off to the dentist and the doctors these things need sorted", but I couldn't just let him deal with it on his own either.

(The braces we knew about for years but we had to wait till all his baby teeth were gone).

We went to the doctors , got a referral to dermatology and he went on roaccutane.

Got a referral to the orthodontist, had braces for four years.

Perfect teeth and skin now, but hard won.

You have options here,. I don't know about getting ears pinned back and thinner glasses but plenty of PPs has suggested it, as well as exercise and healthy eating. You would not be doing your job as a mother if you didn't face these realities , be gentle. If he's anything like my son was he will be desperately aware of the problems and grateful you have his back and ( hopefully) some ideas.

Do research beforehand, see what's available to help him and don't make any promises you can't definitely keep. But , I think you have to approach him about it. And good luck.

@maddiemookins16mum

Please do whatever you can to make things easier for him. Senior school is fecking horrendous if you don’t look ‘right’. He sounds a super lad, but being a crooked toothed, glasses wearing child of the 70s, I went through hell. I know you shouldn’t have to, I really do, but it will make life easier for him. I went through senior school with the nickname ‘Raquel’. It was 1978/9, I looked nothing like Raquel Welch (the pin up of the time), every time I walked down a corridor boys would wolf whistle and say ‘here comes Raquel’. It was awful. They were cruelly mocking my plainness, crooked teeth and turquoise NHS plastic framed glasses. I’m 56 now, I have never forgotten the way it made me feel.

I went through this too. Buck teeth and glasses all through primary school. Then braces and glasses for the first three years of secondary. The Raquel nickname started when the boys found out my middle name was Rachel!

I'm conflicted though. I don't think he should be offered contact lenses unless he is asking for them.

@Wearywithteens - Maybe that's why they are suggesting she start while he's ten. It's not so hard to get teens to agree to stuff they are used to doing. I had to teach DS2 to swim, because due to a couple of physical disabilities it was one of the only activities he could actually do safely. He hated our first sessions and I did feel like a bit of a bully but by the sixth session when he'd gone from swimming half a length to ten lengths, he started to get motivated and ended up swimming a mile with me, within a year.
We used to take DC for short walks every weekend, but never call them walks. They got used to it. Now they choose to come hiking with us. I bet there are things your DC do without question because you prioritised them which I could never get my DC to do because I didn't. Exercising as a family is worth putting the effort into and overcoming the objections.

Get his ears sorted. Also Contact lenses . I was called ugly & despite my optician recommending lenses at 12 ,my Mother ignored him. I still have chronic self esteem issues even after looking at pics of me once I'd got contacts at 16 & realising I was then ,very pretty. But the damage had been done by then. His weight could just be puppy fat unless he comfort eats & never exercises.

I disagree with all the comments saying that if OP suggests some cosmetic interventions, that will make DS feel worse and as if his mum is saying he looks bad.

It all depends on how it’s suggested. I grew up with thick glasses and acne. Around age 12 my mum got me to the optician for contact lenses and to a dermatologist and helped me pick out concealer. I was grateful, I didn’t interpret it as her saying I looked awful, at all. She always told me I was beautiful but I knew very well the acne looked bad and that I looked better with contacts than with thick glasses. 12 year olds aren’t daft, they know about looks.

Of course if he is completely happy in his own skin and it’s not affecting him in any way then no need to do anything. But it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

What did you say to DD?

I would have said that no, it's not ok what DD said to him. I would tell her that, like Road Dahl said, beauty comes from inside and that her words were ugly and mean. It's never ok to make someone feel bad about something they cannot change. That kindness shows on a face and that your DS's face shines with kindness because he is a lovely person.

I would speak to him privately about whether he wants to do anything about his glasses and ears. But I certainly wouldn't force anything on him.

My DS is 11 and hates his freckles, because he gets called names at school. When he was younger he asked me if they can be scrubbed off. I feel really sad for him especially as he's about to start secondary school.

@stardance

My DS is 11 and hates his freckles, because he gets called names at school. When he was younger he asked me if they can be scrubbed off. I feel really sad for him especially as he's about to start secondary school.

It's so awful isn't it! We all know the world can be an unkind place but watching your child go trough the heartache of these petty horrible things is just awful. I really hope he is able to love himself despite the horrible names and realise it is they who are ugly in any way that matters. I really love a freckles!

@shesgrownhorns I would definitely have a chat with him, even if it's just to put your own mind at rest. Kids can be horrible but they're also very good at hiding how they're feeling.

Is there anybody in your family he's really close with? Or even a family friend that could maybe have a chat with him to see how he's getting on?

He definitely shouldn't have to change the way he looks to please the people making these comments either!

Good luck and I hope things turn out fine in the end ❤️

I was an ugly dc. I didn't get called ugly but had everything else thrown at me to suggest it 'monobrow' 'Bigfoot' colawolamoustache girl.
Do I wish my mum had taken me down a salon and sorted my facial hair out? Fuck yes. When I finally was old enough to take myself at about 15 I went back into school and overnight people wanted to be my friend.
High school is rough terrain. It doesn't really matter about 'doing the right thing' conforming saves a lot of lost self esteem in the meantime. I would 100% get his ears pinned back ASAP and contact lenses or thinner glasses (my sister got her ears pinned at 13 and has literally hidden any photo evidence of her ears prior to this and she's 40 the effects can go on and on!)

He will change things about himself naturally as he grows up and goes through the process of self-awareness all teenagers go through.

You can support that process but should never control it.

I can’t believe the number of people saying to get his ears pinned back! Kids often go through funny looking phases, and most kids with sticky out ears end up growing in to them.

I always tell my kids the only opinion of them that matters is their own. If he has issues and wants help with them then offer support but he seems to be resilient and can see the comments for what they are. I have a DS the same age who can be a target for bullies but in my experience (also bullied when at school) that type of person will always find an excuse to put someone down and changing yourself to fit their ideal still won't stop them.

@Whatthebloodyell my dad worked with someone with ears that stuck out. They all laughed about him behind his back. Called him various names.
Disgusting I know but it happens in adulthood too. Probably better to ask if op ds thinks it might help overall.

And you.continue to teach people that judging others on appearance and commenting on it or bullying them about it is acceptable.

That sounds so good doesn't it. But when you're the child being bullied you don't need to be someone's pure and moral teaching moment, you need an escape. OPs child may be perfectly happy as he is. He may want an escape and he shouldn't be denied one because pious adults think it's time to make a point and hang the kid out to dry in the name of not giving in to bullies.

As I mentioned upthread, my DS was born with a facial deformity. He obviously had surgery for essential things like eating and drinking as a baby.

The first time the plastic surgeon (who was part of a wider clinical care team) suggested cosmetic surgery for (now teenage) DS, my immediate (internal) reaction was "WTF, what the hell kind of hospital is this?".

I'd spent my whole life countering nastiness and holding other people (and schools) to account for the shitty comments he received, so the notion that the NHS saw his cosmetic surgery as necessary (i.e. they would obviously fund it) seemed to imply that all those nasty comments might even have been justified.

But the surgeons explained that it was completely up to DS and that their aim was merely to help him overcome any barriers to social assimilation that he faced (and wanted to remedy) as a result of the disfigurement.

There are two separate issues here and it's important not to conflate them (1) facial difference/appearance can sometimes be a barrier to social acceptance and (2) some people are arseholes and vocalise their rejection of people who look different.

The fact that (2) occurs shouldn't be a reason to reject (1) as a fact.

Additionally, accepting (1) as a fact does not mean that everyone should conform or that social norms shouldn't be challenged. But challenging societal perceptions around difference and addressing a child's concerns about their own social assimilation/appearance aren't mutually exclusive.

It's unclear as to whether OP's DS actually has such concerns. But the fact the world needs to change shouldn't hold OP's DS back from taking steps to thrive in the world as it currently is and improve his social confidence if that's what he decides he wants.