I think he gets called ugly

[shesgrownhorns]

Ds (12) is going into year 8 at high school. He says he enjoys it but I am really worried about him. He's chubby, wears strong glasses and there's no denying that his ears stick out. I know that he gets called names at school, he's made the occasional remark (she calls me Mickey Mouse) being an example. He's not complaining or appearing to be upset by this, just mentions it in passing but he shrugs it off saying he doesn't care when I ask him about it. This morning dd (11) and him were bickering and dd said 'have you looked in the mirror recently' . I told her to apologise for this and he said 'it's ok, it happens often.' He said this in a quiet but matter of fact way. My heart went out to him. I don't know what to do to for the best - do I talk to him gently and ask if he's being called names persistently? My fear is that in doing that I look like I am assuming that people do actually view him as ugly. Another option is to ignore and laugh off, but is this making too much light of it? I cannot possibly believe that he is not hurt by this even though he shrugs things off. AIBU to be worried sick?

I had my ears pinned back when I was 11. No bullying but I wanted it done.
Glasses, buy thinner lenses, try contact lenses!

Awk bless him..sounds like a lovely lad...most important thing you can do is build his confidence...im sure he has a multitude of things you can really focus on to do this..kindness, nice eye colour etc. We all have imperfections mine is a big nose and big ass but i never tended to be called names and i think this is because i have quite a big personality. Secondary school.can be bloody ruthless. I wouldnt recommend a drastic overall at once of his appearance..maybe change his glasses first and time it when hes due an eye test..it breaks you heart as a parent but i guarantee in a few years yout lad will probably be a we heartbreaker

Find him some books with less traditionally handsome characters maybe?

The main male character in the Black Prism series is around his age and is called 'fat' a lot. It's a big personality point in a wider, incredible fantasy book.

He suffers with his confidence because of it and can't see his worth - oh. And then he saves the world.

If he is self-conscious about his ears I would definitely look into getting them pinned back. He could face a lifetime of jokes and teasing.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t make him If he genuinely wasn’t bothered.

DS has sticky our ears. Just the tops. Can those be pinned back too?

Hope your DS is ok @shesgrownhorns do what you have to do to raise his self esteem. bless him x

Show him a selection of duck to swan images of famous people, few people are scrummy in both phases.

In my experience kids are very wise to the over -praising as compensation done by parents to boost confidence.

Ask him if he wants help to address any of these issues with himself if yes ask what and help. If no, tell him if he ever changes his mind he can come to you and you will always help.

My son has sticky out ears and girls throw themselves at him....beauty in the eye of the beholder. I also fell for his dad with jug ears. He may want alternative specs,lenses and a reality check about food intake to exercise ratios...

It seems unfair that he should have to change all his appearances to fit in with what others deem ‘acceptable’.

Agree in an ideal world, but in the real world virtually all of us do things to make us look “more acceptable” to some extent. Hair removal, make up, hair styles, wardrobe choices. I don’t see many adults walking around purely as nature intended. Why deny him the same, especially at the difficult early teenage stage when confidence is so fragile.

I’d be offering the things suggested (ears pinned, lenses and healthy eating) if it was my child. Obviously suggested very carefully and tactfully.

I got contacts at 13. Why don’t you look into this option?

Suggesting he get his ears pinned etc only reinforces the opinions of his peers though. If my mum had suggested things like that when I was being called names at school I'd have thought she shared the opinion and they must be right!

Everybody who meets him likes him. He is not sporty at the moment (he did tennis once a week before lockdown) so he doesn't have the gaggle of footie mates, but no-one dislikes him. He sat next to a girl in one class who apparently used to whisper random things in his ear (he wouldn't elaborate) He said he despised her. My son doesn't despise people for no reason so I'm assuming she was whispering less than kind things to him. But at parents' evening the teacher said if he had a class full of ds' he'd be a happy man :)

There is nothing here that can’t be fixed, he will likely have a growth spurt and loose the puppy fat, his lenses can be thinned or maybe contacts and his ears pinned back, however seldom do adults look like they look as kids.

All I can think of is Neville Longbottom in the HP films - kids grow into their ears, teeth and size. I agree though, get him into some kind of sport he enjoys - for his weight but for health too. Doesn't have to be a team sport either. Rock climbing, cycling, rambling, wild swimming, running...

(My point being that the actor playing Neville is now drop-dead gorgeous, having grown into his teeth and ears!!)

He "wears strong glasses" - are we talking big thick heavy bottle bottoms? DS's prescription is massive and this is what he would have been wearing had we not got the optician to use ?high-index? lenses for him. We had to pay extra for them, but it was £50 well spent IMO.

He could genuinely not want to change his appearance and although hurt, resilient enough to not let him upset him and confident enough to know that it won't stop him doing well in life in every way.

Alternatively he might be miserable, have very low self esteem but too introverted to share it with you.

You need to get him to open up and decide whether it would suit him to do something about his look now or not.

Of course, you could point him to the many hunks who were everything but so at an earlier age. You could also show him the number of people not attractive who've done very well because ultimately, the most attractive feature in almost everyone is self-confidence.

Sorry, I’ve not read all the comments, but my daughter had very thick lenses in her glasses. We always paid extra to have the thinnest possible. Then when she was 11 she started wearing contact lenses. Optician wasn’t keen for children to have contact lenses before age around 11 due to hygiene issues (or lack of)

Why havent you pinned his ears back, watched his weight at only 12 and paid for thinner glasses or contacts?! Have you said anything to school about the bullying?

I agree you shouldn't have to alter a perfectly fine appearance to make it more acceptable to cruel people. But nor should you have to tolerate cruelty. Ask if he'd like to have his ears pinned and research it online with him. I agree with getting thinner lenses or even trying contacts because lenses can really distort your eyes. And very gently guiding him towards healthy food choices and plenty of exercise would be a good, kind thing to do anyway.

I agree that it's a bit sad to have to change him to conform to society's beauty standards, but I also think a kid suffering bullying throughout high school can be seriously traumatic.

Having said that, you don't actually know if or to what extent he is suffering. So for me the key would be open communication, make sure he knows he can talk to you, ask if he would want to change anything about his appearance, and above all, build up his resilience and self-esteem. Tell him all the great things about him. Talk to him about society's absurd beauty standards and how little they really mean, etc.

Why haven't you had his ears pinned back? It's a really simple operation, you do have to help your kids where you can

Definitely another one for ears pinning back. MY BF at school had this done and her self-confidence just soared.

Ah OP you sound as I would feel in your shoes.

I would see if you can bring up his glasses first. Maybe mention it's time for a new eye test (even if it isn't) and ask if he'd be interested in thinner lenses or even contact lenses. This might give you an indication of how he feels about his appearance in general. If he seems keen, he probably is a bit anxious about how he presents.

Can you take him to buy a couple of tops and casually drop in that it's normal to be slightly chunkier at the beginning of puberty but if he wants to lose some weight you can help with meal planning and finding an exercise he enjoys.

And finally i would mention the ear pinning thing almost matter of factly. Oh you're a teen now so you can have this operation if want it - up to you.

In other words, gently offer support to change how he presents without inferring that he 'needs' to do any of it. Because of course, he doesn't, unless he wants to.

Poor lad. Of course your heart went out to him.
Speaking as someone who was bullied when younger the things that helped me get through was having other identities not just the ones the bullies viewed me as. At that age you don't really have a fixed view of yourself, so an awful lot of your sense of self comes from how other people see/treat you. So if you recognise his other qualities openly (is he thoughtful, helpful, clever, adventurous, calm in a tough situation, artistic, great in his bike, funny etc) in as many ways as you can. I.e quick hug for being brilliant, surprise pound coin for helping his sister etc. Little text message in the middle of the day to say 'just found you've done that task I asked you to do very well, thank you' etc etc. Rope in friends and family to actively acknowledge the good aspects he had. Not in a sickly too-often way, just in a naturally arising way. This just balances out the negative and will help protect his self esteem and give him other qualities to hang the hat of his self identity on.
Make sure you keep it real, he'll spot bs a mile off.
I would be very wary of bigging up his 'confidence' expressing admiration of it etc. If he is putting on a front (which is likely) and deep down feels absolutely awful, telling him you admire his (possibly minimal/non-existent) confidence will make him feel more of a failure. Instead (depending how things come up in conversation) praise his being calm when things are hard / refusing to allow other people's cruelty to turn him into someone unpleasant... That sort of thing. It's better because it's true and he might not be recognising that he is in fact doing an awesome job of coping with their shit.
Also, the incident with his sister is a good opportunity to set the culture and standards of the home without preaching directly to him. If her words meant you pulled her up sharp on the basis that being unkind about someone's appearance is cruel as no-one asks to be born the way they are, and actually criticising a person for things they choose like being mean/selfish/unhelpful etc makes much more sense. Him hearing that those people who are mean about his looks are the real bad guys because their taunts come from an ugly place inside is validating and therefore helpful.
Hope that makes some sort of sense.

Xiaoxiong Neville wore prosthetics - fake teeth and plastic behind his ears to make them stick out.

OP he sounds very grounded - a conversation about how people can pick on others about their looks, and what we can do to deal with that (changing our looks, self confidence, being kind to others) could be very productive.
Don't suggest changes without talking it over with him first.

Well, from this alone he sounds nicer than your daughter!

He obviously knows that some people don't appreciate his looks, but it sounds as if there are enough who don't care for him to be able to handle it?

Might be an idea to talk about bullying & if it's happening to him though?