I think he gets called ugly

[shesgrownhorns]

Ds (12) is going into year 8 at high school. He says he enjoys it but I am really worried about him. He's chubby, wears strong glasses and there's no denying that his ears stick out. I know that he gets called names at school, he's made the occasional remark (she calls me Mickey Mouse) being an example. He's not complaining or appearing to be upset by this, just mentions it in passing but he shrugs it off saying he doesn't care when I ask him about it. This morning dd (11) and him were bickering and dd said 'have you looked in the mirror recently' . I told her to apologise for this and he said 'it's ok, it happens often.' He said this in a quiet but matter of fact way. My heart went out to him. I don't know what to do to for the best - do I talk to him gently and ask if he's being called names persistently? My fear is that in doing that I look like I am assuming that people do actually view him as ugly. Another option is to ignore and laugh off, but is this making too much light of it? I cannot possibly believe that he is not hurt by this even though he shrugs things off. AIBU to be worried sick?

Does HE want his ears pinned back? Or to lose weight? Or to have contacts? Because he sounds like a really cool kid who has developed Teflon inner self confidence that allows him to shrug off the insults, and if you start suggesting he does all that you're reinforcing what the bullies are saying. Unless HE wants to alter how he looks, I'd leave him be – let him decide if he wants a Neville Longbottom-style makeover when he's ready!

To those who have recommended getting ears pinned back - is this on the NHS? Can that still be done.
Asking as DS has large wide ears but I thought it wasnt an NHS service and dont want to make a thing if it by taking him to GP only to be told it cant be done.

Sounds like you're more worried than he is.

He probably already sussed out that conventional good looks are not everything. There are countless successful admired men in the public eye, who are fat or scrawny and short, bald, plain or all three .
Toby Jones, Ian Holm, Bill Nighy, Mackenzie Crook, The Stones.. feel free to continue the list.

At 12 he will soon have a growth spurt and with any luck that should take care of the weight as it did with my tall and rangy 17 year old who was slightly chubby at 12. As for lenses etc. I would do that. My parents got me contacts at 15 and let me dye my hair. My confidence went through the roof and I finally felt "pretty". I would do anything my kids felt comfortable with to improve their appearance because bullying around appearance at school is lethal and you carry the scars forever.

This is heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you, and to him. On the one hand I agree it shouldn't be necessary to put a kid under the knife to make others kinder, but on the other hand the teenage years are when appearance starts to be something kids really focus on. But big ears can end up being quite charming and attractive once the awkward stage of adolescence is over. I know quite a few handsome men with them actually.

I think if he can lose some weight and maybe have his lenses thinned out a bit that could really work. Have you looked up Ellyn Satter, OP? Her approach has really worked for my daughter, who was eating out of boredom and emotion and was very chubby as a result. Look up Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility and see if it helps him get to a healthier weight. Restrictive diets are only going to make him more obsessed with food.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, high school can be a nightmare if you don't fit in for whatever reason. His sister absolutely should never say stuff like that too and I'm glad you let her know such cruelty is unacceptable.
Wishing you so much luck on this. Feeling your child is being hurt and there's nothing you can do is just the worst.

he sounds like a really cool kid

This is what I thought too. I got contact lenses when I was 13 and I strongly absorbed the vibe of “this will help a bit, let’s cover up one of the many flaws” from my mother. I’m sure you wouldn’t be like that though.

I’d get him on a good diet because that will help him get good eating habits as an adult! I’d ask about contacts but more from a perspective of convenience than how he looks. And obviously if you think he wouldn’t be offended look into getting his ears pinned back but I don’t think he should have to if he is confident

I wouldn't put him on a diet or prompt "healthier choices" just reduce his portion sizes.
Doesn't have to be sporty to be fit and exercise, again I wouldn't do this for weight loss but for the goal of strength and fitness.

When glasses next need renewed get the thinner ones.

However the ears I would be reluctant to bring up or pursue surgery unless very severe or he wanted surgery.

I'd be so proud of the teachers comments and how he has handled it. I hope he would come to you if there were further comments/it upset him.

Tough one, if he's not bothered I wouldn't do anything drastic yet aside from watching his diet and changing his glasses as based on pp this seems easy.

Re his ears some people do grow into them if they just look big but if they do stick out a bit then he may need them pinned. If they are bothering him and you can do something about it then I think you should.

It is very sad and I do think that some children will pick on others for anything. I was picked on at school, as an adult I'v been told I'm very attractive. Looking back at school photos I do think gosh there was nothing wrong with me at all it was just someone being nasty for the sake of it probably because I was too nice and didn't say anything back.

He sounds like a smashing lad, OP. You must be proud of him. Sounds like he has healthy confidence and little vanity. A winning combo.

I'd be wary of broaching anything too directly in case it gives him the impression that you dislike his appearance - if you think your own DM finds you unappealing that is a confidence knock. Not that you do, just that it's important he doesn't mistakenly take that inference. I'd maybe save suggesting anything to do with lenses or ears until/if ever he mentions it. If you do want to bring it up I'd broach it as "you said people say X and Y, does that happen often?" that way it sounds as though the possibility hadn't occurred to you before.

As for weight, all you can do is promote healthy food and activity in a way that appeals best to him and don't sweat it too much. Lads often change build a lot over their teens. Both of my DSs had chubby stages but eldest (19) is 5"10 and looks like a pro rugby league player, youngest (17) is a long limbed, athletic 6 footer.

Christ almighty the folks on here. Pin his ears back? FFS.
COmpletely understand your worries OP but I would base my response purely on HIM - as you describe it, he has no illusions that he is or ambitions to be an adonis, and is pretty laid-back about the childish teasing he may occasionally receive for being less than perfect. On the face of it, he sounds incredibly mature, self-possessed and good humoured, and a credit to your parenting. Do you think this is a front? If so then try and get him to open up to you about what's happening at school and how it makes him feel. Go from there.

DO NOT start a conversation about 'improving' his appearance if he doesn't actually have a problem with it! He may well grow into his ears, stretch out when he hits puberty. The right glasses can give real character to a plain face, but for sure you could ask him if he's prefer contacts just for convenience (although they're not right for everyone). Any suggestion out of the blue that he should be cosmetically altered will have the absolute opposite effect on his self esteem.

I'm just shocked how many people's go to when they suspect a child may be being bullied for how they look is to cave in to the shallow priorities of the bullies. If your child was being bullied for being bookish would you encourage them to ditch reading and talk only in words of one syllable? If they were being mocked for being 'posh' would you exhort them to drop their aitches and say 'fuck' all the time? If your teenage daughter was being called 'frigid' would you encourage her to start shagging around?

Seriously with kids it will always, always be something. The thing to focus on is a child's inner sense of self-worth, their understanding that what others think about them is far less important than what they think of themselves. Sounds to me like the OP's son already has this in spades and good for him. By the time you get to uni this trivial playground bullshit means so much less. Don't cave in to it; when they go low, go high.

Poor wee boy.

His weight is your responsibility as his parent, so start with sorting it out, if for no other reason than his health. The longer he goes overweight the less chance he has of ever being slim as an adult.

Obviously you can't help him needing glasses, but if you can get him into some kind of sport (martial art?) you can use that as an excuse to get contact lenses. For a teenager, daily disposables are your best bet, as they don't require cleaning.

His ears are up to him - any operation is risky, so let him decide if he wants anything doing.

Just to add, I'm not suggesting you don't already promote healthy food and activity, OP! I just meant that there isn't some other thing besides that you can do.

He does sound like he’s got self-confidence if he can say he despises the girl who was whispering to him.

Still, I agree with PP’s and see whether he wants to make any changes. There’s no harm in mentioning contact lenses- just say you’ve seen an offer perhaps and would he be interested? The weight issue may resolve itself with a growth spurt ( unless he’s been eating badly?). My DS ( nearly 12) has suddenly shot up this year and looks totally different- a friend barely recognized him when she saw him recently.🤣

That’s hard

I’d ask him more about school in general, if he’s happy, if anyone is being mean.

Also concentrate on fitness and health

I had my daughter's ears pinned back when she was in Primary school and am so happy for her.

I really hate the idea of 'correcting' his features with surgery because of some horrible little snots at school who haven't been taught manners.

What are the positive traits about your son OP, he must have them, is he clever, funny, kind, charming, empathetic, tolerant. Does he have beautiful eyes, a strong chin, a cheeky smile.......

Glasses can be thinned, larger frames can better hide thick lenses, I wouldn't necessarily go the contact lenses route at this point, they take looking after or he risks eye infections which can be bad, they aren't always that comfortable either.

If he says he wants his ears pinning then that's a different matter but it's not something I would suggest to him. I would spend some real effort making sure he knows what his strengths are and how wonderful he is. I would also look for opportunities to build his friendship group with hobbies and activities he enjoys outside school.

Pinn his ears if he wants this. Get him contacts if he wants this. If he wants this that is .

But mostly : talk to him. Boys are from a young age toldto shut up and stop crying. So the fact he shrugs it off doesnt mean it doesn't bother him.

Just came on to say ear pinning is no longer surgery per se, just a local anaesthetic and a minuscule corrector:

https://www.earfold.co.uk/earfold-otoplasty/ear-pinning/

(I've looked into it myself )

Does DS even know that ear pinning is a possibility for him?

He won't ask about it if he doesn't know it's an option.

Also, surely just stipulate as thin a lens in his glasses as they can (if you can afford it). Cite the weight of thick lenses if you don't want to go down the appearance road.

The name calling might not bother him. I was teased constantly about my ears. Honestly it just floated right over my head. The fact that people were deliberately trying to be mean annoyed and confused me - but it didn't make me worry about my ears or my appearance iyswim.
I'd be more concerned that he despised someone so they have obviously hurt him a lot, but wouldn't tell you what they said. I'd probably have some lighthearted conversations about when people have been mean to you or horrible stuff people said to you or someone else at school, and see if he starts to open up a bit. He might think he's protecting you by not telling you. So I'd normalise conversations around it. It will give you a better sense of how he feels about it.

It makes me wonder if some of you have ever had boys - boys in particular can be chubby as their male hormones take a while to kick in . Both my sons and nephew were like this - they grew out the way then would suddenly shoot up . About the 15/16 mark they just seem to outgrow this , their face starts to lengthen and they get more muscly . They are now very tall and slim . Don't make it too hard for him but do make sure he is eating healthily and get out to do stuff as much as possible . Bless him !

All I can think of is Neville Longbottom in the HP films - kids grow into their ears, teeth and size.

Poor Matthew Lewis had to wear a fat suit and prosthetic teeth to play Neville Longbottom, and they put inserts behind his ears to make them stick out! He's spoken about finding it really hard. I always thought that was so stupidly unnecessary of the film directors, there was no reason at all for Nevilly to have comic-book flaws like that, there was no indication of it in the books, where he was just "round-faced".

Anyway - not to get sidetracked by a Harry Potter rant Leave the glasses unless he brings them up, and I'm sure you know you need to do something about his weight for many reasons beside teasing. As others have said, he sounds like a great kid and like he rolls with the punches admirably.

However, the thing I'd seriously consider is that he might be able to get his ears fixed on the NHS as a child, but be forced to do it privately if he waits until he's an adult. I have paid for Invisalign as an adult because my mum didn't organise braces for me when they'd have been free (and at an age when train tracks would have been normal, bordering cool) and I'm afraid I do resent it. I'm not saying you should force the issue, but if he ever brings up his ears you could breezily say "oh lots of people have sticking out ears but if they bother you they're quite easily fixed if you want, it's up to you". There'll be a heck of a waiting list so I'd get him on it sooner rather than later if you intend to.

He sounds lovely. I wonder if he would be interested in doing a martial arts sport? They tend to be very supportive environments and having a “secret skill” might appeal to him.

Y8/9 is a real time of change for boys and also when the idiots/bullies can be at their worst. It's very common for boys to grow out before they grow upwards - I've seen this in some of my nephews who are now lean and sporty 17 year olds but had a chubby looking phase. Also you only have to look at some of the Harry Potter actors (Matthew Lewis for example) to see that a lot can change between 12 and 18.

I think the best thing at this age is to have a secure friendship group even if small, so he's less reliant on what other less considerate kids think. And focus on what he's good at.

I wouldn't worry about diet unless you think he is really binging on sweets.