I think he gets called ugly

[shesgrownhorns]

Ds (12) is going into year 8 at high school. He says he enjoys it but I am really worried about him. He's chubby, wears strong glasses and there's no denying that his ears stick out. I know that he gets called names at school, he's made the occasional remark (she calls me Mickey Mouse) being an example. He's not complaining or appearing to be upset by this, just mentions it in passing but he shrugs it off saying he doesn't care when I ask him about it. This morning dd (11) and him were bickering and dd said 'have you looked in the mirror recently' . I told her to apologise for this and he said 'it's ok, it happens often.' He said this in a quiet but matter of fact way. My heart went out to him. I don't know what to do to for the best - do I talk to him gently and ask if he's being called names persistently? My fear is that in doing that I look like I am assuming that people do actually view him as ugly. Another option is to ignore and laugh off, but is this making too much light of it? I cannot possibly believe that he is not hurt by this even though he shrugs things off. AIBU to be worried sick?

Your son does not appear to be worried about any stupid comments, which is a good thing, you should take heart from that. He has a better personality than the ones at school, who make fun of others.

OP, my DS has a facial disfigurement.

The main message has always been "if people are nasty about your face, they're the ones with the problem". I've dealt with bullying with the school, his psychologist supported teachers in explaining it to the rest of the class, etc.

But it's so very difficult to strike a balance, because his strong view that the bullies are the arseholes also made him resistant to exploring surgery and other interventions on offer to make him look more "normal".

Now at 17, he's realised that he does actually want some surgery, etc to improve his face as he can see the benefit from a social confidence perspective (the delay hasn't mattered much as he needs to wait a few years for further growth for some ops anyway).

At 12 (and even 15) he was absolutely adamant that he never wanted any intervention for it (despite being fine with loads of other non-cosmetic surgery) and seemed to be taking all the bullying in his stride. It's only in recent years that it's all caught up with him emotionally.

My advice would be to make DS aware that there might be options available to him (ears, glasses lenses, etc) in a very neutral, matter-of-fact way, just so he knows. Then leave it in his court. Obviously report bullying incidents to the school too.

I would ask him what he thought - but without the leading questions. So instead of saying “ do kids call you names ?” I would say “ when you mentioned kids making comments what did you mean?” And then follow up with “ how do you feel about that?” If he appears not bothered then you can feel a bit better about it. If you get the sense he is hurt by it then find out what solutions he might have. Is there anything he wants to change - that way you find out the issues that are important to him. My DD8 has had issues with comments from so called friends about the fact she eats all her lunch ( she’s greedy apparently) and likes foods deemed “weird”like olives. She’s one of the tallest in her class and not waif like but not overweight. It pisses me off. In your situation I would ensure that there are no other things that would cause him to stand out negatively - and I’m thinking of About a Boy here I suppose. But I would ensure he doesn’t have horrendously unfashionable shoes for example or some hideous cagoule because it’s practical. ( half joking). If he’s bothered by it let him have trendy glasses if possible or a cool haircut. I would also bolster his confidence regarding all his other lovely qualities. It’s not an all or nothing situation - you can bolster his confidence AND help him in little ways not to be a target without resorting to plastic surgery and boot camp.

There are things that could be done, if he wanted them done.
If he has confidence and isn’t worried, and has high self esteem such that he is able to ignore it all, let him be. Make sure other family members do not criticise appearances and definitely be all over dd if she comments about him. Let him know he can talk to you, always. He sounds a lovely boy.

It’s always good to be mindful about healthy living, however, not positioning things as diets but encouraging sport, exercise, making sure the meals you offer are well balanced etc. Good attitude to snacks, for example. He will grow soon, a lot of kids gain weight before stretching out.
Equally, if he does say something and it’s within your power to change it, I would. The glasses, when they need changing, I would maybe suggest a style or thinning of lenses just because it would be a change, or look nice, or more grown up. Same with his ears, know the options, and if it comes up then you’re ready to advise.

My own teen years were a nightmare of bullying thanks to an aspect of my facial appearance that my mother refused to let me do anything about, despite being easy and cheap to alter. I was terrified of her, if I ever mentioned it I was vain, a sheep, pathetic etc. The second I left home I sorted it and vowed I would not take that shit again. My own dd has the same thing and as soon as she said other children had started on at her, I was ready and we got it sorted. Her personality at school changed overnight. It’s been 3 years now and I doubt anyone would even remember how she looked before. She wanted it, so I was happy to make that happen for her.

I haven't read the other comments because there are too many so sorry I am repeating something.
Your son sounds like he is ok and he may be involved with it if that makes sense. When I was a kid I was picked on terrible for being so pale (I got called a ghost and it really upset me) but I used to tease myself about my particularly large nose - maybe it was to distract people away from calling me ghost/casper.
I wouldn't suggest pushing in case he gets self conscious about it.
Maybe just do what you are doing and keep an eye. Could you ask you DD to keep a look out in school?

He sounds like he's coping well so don't try and make him feel sorry for himself. Most children get teased, or are given nicknames, for one thing or another.

NO!!! The fact that most children get teased doesn't make it right. Neither does that fact that the child isn't visibly upset mean that they're not being hurt. (I speak from bitter experience). DD needs a very very stern talking to as well, about how it is NEVER ok to pick on someone's appearance or use a personal fact about a person in an argument (it's called an ad hominem attack and it's a sign of ignorance and stupidity- not saying that your DD is stupid, obviously, but you can explain to her that it just makes her sound stupid).

As for your DS, I think you have to find him positive aspects of his physical self that he can hold onto - e.g. is he strong? and help him work on his fitness so he can grow into his body. Because if he's getting teased for his appearance, it's possible that he'll have low self-esteem, so you need to help him work on ways to have positive thoughts about himself.

Hi OP,
From what I've read on the thread and your original post, your son sounds like a lovely and sweet boy. I'd say the same as some of the other posters, maybe speak to him about it in a bit more depth and if his ears or glasses are a 'problem' then there are some easy fixes that may in turn make his life easier. I had a very crooked nose at school and was bullied for being South Asian (with a big nose) to the point 'get a nose job' was repeatedly written in my Leavers Book as a good-bye message. I saved half and my parents gave the other half for the nose job as I became so self conscious about it and I can honestly say I never looked back as the biggest thing I felt insecure about wasn't there anymore. Whatever you decide to do OP, I honestly do hope that your DS has an easier ride at school

Depending on your existing lifestyle could you use the current Covid situation as an excuse to get the whole family eating more sensibly to reduce the Covid risks. No time like the present to make a positive difference for his weight and health and as for the other issues I'd wait a couple of years and see what sort of swan emerges from the ugly duckling stage.
I admit I was the female equivalent of your wee man at school and I suffered the comments in silence rather than let my upset show.
I corrected my nose and teeth as soon as I could afford it and without blowing my own trumpet I think I've grown into my looks as an adult.
Many of the pretty girls/good looking boys I went to school with are no where near as good looking adults as they were teenagers.

It angers me the way kids have change to please bullies. I've always said if they're over the age of criminal responsibility it should be classe d as hate crime. There's no consequences for bullying and there should be. I also think bullies should be named and shamed.

I was not a good looking teen. I was "specky" (read: jam jar glasses) and I had curly hair that nobody told me how to style so I had a huge, frizzy birds nest of a ponytail. I had large front teeth (or rather the two beside my front teeth were smaller, so really emphasised the others). I was chubby.

Apparently my mum wanted to pin my ears back when I was really young but she didn't, and my ears are perfectly normal now. I'm still a bit chubby but I have cool glasses and contact lenses, I pay a lot to get my hair coloured properly and I style it well, I love make up and clothes. I even grew into my teeth!

You can raise the issue with him gently but he sounds like a cool kid. The teenage years are hard for everyone and he'll find his groove.

With regard to his weight, tread carefully. My mum put me on a diet at 12 and I've struggled with binge eating and bulimia ever since (I'm 30).

I just took solace in the song by Janis Ian, At 17.

He shouldn't be chubby at 11. He just shouldn't.

You need to sort out healthier food and install more activities into your lives.

My son has very sticky-out ears, and it tore me apart to see him so upset by the comments such as FA cup ears, Taxi with the doors open, etc.

He went on the list for surgery but at the last minute, he backed out and decided to, in his words 'man up' from then on he just laughed it all off and now he is 36 and has grown into his ears!! They don't appear as big as they did when his head was smaller as a child.

I very much wanted to insist that he had the op, but I had to accept his choice and to be fair, he still says he is glad he made the decision not to have them done but it really upset me at the time.

I got picked on in school for looks, and ended up dropping out. One thing I noticed is that if he changes what the bullies are picking on (ears/lenses), they will pick something else to pick on, as they will realise he is affected by the bullying and take pleasure in it. Encourage him to stay the way he is and not change.

I think your DS is old enough to have agency about what he wants to do.

You should definitely bring it up with him 1-1 in a really matter of fact way (and also separately deal with your DD).

So...

"You know the other day when DD was saying x,y,z... how did that make you feel?

"Are those things that you would want to change?"

"Do you know how we could change those things if we wanted to?"

And if he makes positive noises then...

"And how do you think you would feel after those changes? Do you think you would feel better?"

All of the things that you have mentioned are either live-with-able or changeable depending on the circumstances. I think rather than being wary of upsetting your son, you should see this as a good opportunity to help him think around how he might solve problems for himself (with your support)! And don't 'put him on a diet', do a 'family health kick' instead. Much more positive!!

He suffers with his confidence because of it and can't see his worth - oh. And then he saves the world

I really struggle with these sort of books because OPs son isn't going to save the world is he? They always have these fantastical endings with the uncool kid suddenly being a hero and becoming really popular. But surely that just makes the stories completely unrelatable -cos the unpopular kids knows he will never save the day, yet, apparently that is the route he needs to take to get any pals.

That is sad, he doesn't sound upset as much as resigned! I think you need to talk to him properly about it and make sure he is OK and see how he is feeling. Some kids are horrible.

Oh, OP :(

My heart goes out to your son. I am so glad he has a parent who cares and takes this seriously; far too many adults allow children to suffer ongoing bullying and all the associated pain because they take a callous "oh all kids get teased" approach.

I agree with pp, talk to him, keep talking, make sure he knows how proud you are of him and how much you love him. Give him the opportunity to open up; if it turns out that unkindness about his appearance is bothering him, discuss what the options are. I really like Heartlake's suggestions above.

(And talk to your daughter about why that sort of bullying is unacceptable and how poor a light is shows her in.)

Character is where I would place focus... on the importance of being good to others, being healthy and working hard for what you want. The confidence to accept or change your looks will develop naturally if you can help him grow up to be a person he likes. (It sounds like that's exactly what he is doing tbh.)

Plus, there seems no real link between looks as a child and looks as an adult. Some of the prettiest children grow up to look very different, and the other way around.

You'd be better educating him on the human race and how shallow it is and helping him be mentally strong so that he can go through life with a don't give a shit attitude.
He'll be bullied by girlfriends, bosses, peers, throughout his life in some form or other.
If he's mentally strong that any quip or derogatory comment is like water off a ducks back then he'll be uber fine.

I've got a 12 year old with wonky teeth and awful vision. I pay to get her lenses thinned and she is about to have a contact lens trial. Monthlies (which she needs for massive prescription are £18 a month). Do what you can to help him and in particular get his weight under control.

I agree with @Heartlake. Any changes have to come because he wants them. My DS is going through the spotty adolescent stage. When I was his age I was so self conscious about spots - probably because I had a mother who would point every single one out to me (yes, mum I did know I had a spot on the side of my nose - good to see your eyes work...)

Because of that we've been really careful not to point out 'perceived' faults. The other day someone said something about spots and teenagers on the TV. DS said 'oh that's just like me' which gave me the chance to talk to him, see how he felt about his odd crop. So we had a chat about lotions/potions/diet etc., and I finished by asking if they bothered him 'nah, mum. Everyone in my class has them so we don't tease each other. Just part of being a teenager isn't it?' So we're leaving well alone. If he needs help managing them he knows we'll get on to it.

So I would have conversation along the lines of 'you know you said that remark of your sister's happens often? What sort of thing is said?', follow it up with 'we can work on changing things if it bothers you'. If he's concerned about his weight, you can help him and he can buy into the diet. If it's not a problem you can still do things for his health without making a bigger song and dance about it. If it's his ears, then you can talk about pinning or different hairstyles. Or thinner lenses in the glasses/cooler frames. He may not even be aware that these things are possible.

But I wouldn't go in with 'we can get your ears pinned' or 'how about thinner lenses in those glasses'. He genuinely may not see any problem with that aspect of his appearance but may get teased about his hair colour. You don't know so don't pile more 'stuff' on his shoulders - find out what the issue is first. Then you can work on a solution or a comeback remark or whatever together.

He's likeable and he's managing it. Don't for one second suggest he needs to change.

That is so sad. I am so sorry for you both. I agree with others who have said to boast his confidence by complimenting him on his strengths. Sounds like a lovely well adjusted boy so there must be lots to compliment him for.
I would also ask the teachers if they think other children are commenting.
One thing - I would not offer to have his ears pinned. I think it sends the wrong message that if another child criticises a child we should do surgery to ‘correct’ a part of their body? I think if he comes to you and says he’s really unhappy about this ears and wants them pinned...that’s a different story. But to offer it...it makes it seem like he is not up to scratch and should be changed.
I think is better to focus on accepting himself.
My son doesn’t like some of his features. I point out to him that he is more than just features. That once you get to know people they don’t look at your features closely. I ask him if he has ever decided not to be friends with someone because of their features? He of course says no. I also point out ‘flaws’ in famous people - showing him that most people are not perfect and these imperfections have not stopped these people being considered good looking. It’s confidence which people are attracted to most.

He has told you himself that such unkind remarks happen often. So that is all you need in ordedr to ask him about it. You can express concern that anyone should say that and get him to open up about how he feels about the other children and his appearance, if he has an issue about it. it seems like a good opportunity to talk.