I think he gets called ugly

[shesgrownhorns]

Ds (12) is going into year 8 at high school. He says he enjoys it but I am really worried about him. He's chubby, wears strong glasses and there's no denying that his ears stick out. I know that he gets called names at school, he's made the occasional remark (she calls me Mickey Mouse) being an example. He's not complaining or appearing to be upset by this, just mentions it in passing but he shrugs it off saying he doesn't care when I ask him about it. This morning dd (11) and him were bickering and dd said 'have you looked in the mirror recently' . I told her to apologise for this and he said 'it's ok, it happens often.' He said this in a quiet but matter of fact way. My heart went out to him. I don't know what to do to for the best - do I talk to him gently and ask if he's being called names persistently? My fear is that in doing that I look like I am assuming that people do actually view him as ugly. Another option is to ignore and laugh off, but is this making too much light of it? I cannot possibly believe that he is not hurt by this even though he shrugs things off. AIBU to be worried sick?

@Ihaventgottimeforthis you're KIDDING. I had no idea - probably because my brother had exactly the same massive buck teeth and big ears (and bottle thick glasses, a bowl cut, and hamster cheeks) So I just assumed that actor playing Neville was the same.

Ok so forget about the Neville thing OP. But I will say that my brother grew into his looks - he and my SIL are certified Beautiful People, their wedding was in a magazine and everything (and he never posts me on his instagram because I'm sure he would lose followers having a sister who looks like me). I will say though that they both work very hard on their health and fitness, I used to secretly make fun of him for it in my head for being so controlling and "body beautiful" and turning down dessert. Now I'm trying to shift a few stone I kick myself for letting myself put on the extra weight in the first place.

@Cam2020

Get his ears pinned back, kid in my school did it way back in the 70’s. She was so happy Not exactly teaching a, child to be happy and confident in themselves, is it? It's, reinforcing shallow attitudes towards how someone looks and how worthy they are!

Listen, I had years of ‘don’t worry about your ears, you’re so bright and clever, it’s all about what’s in side, ignore them’

None of it worked. When I walked in the wind I could see the my ears in my shadow!

When I had them done I was over the moon and it gave me so much coincidence. Funny how no one saying anything about braces? My friend had multiple teeth taken out so she could have a brace as a teenager. It’s just the same

I had stick out ears as a kid and got insulted by classmates and randoms (teased makes it sounds so harmless). They always made me feel so embarrassed and fearful of what anyone might say at any point. Comments continued into adulthood. I had them pinned in my late 20s, couldn't take it anymore. Had my kids been cursed with my ears, I'd have had them pinned without a second thought. Good luck to your boy. No one deserves needless cruel comments but boy oh boy, do humans like to dish it out!

It's astounding how many people here think your son needs to be fixed.

I'd wager a fair few of us saying to at least think about options were badly bullied for our own appearances and remember the pain it caused. No, op's son shouldn't have to change to avoid that, but if someone had offered me a way to change the features that brought me so much misery I would have been relieved beyond description. The bullies are at fault. The boy deserves protection. One way of protecting him might be to look at ways of changing some things that other children are cruel about, if he wants to.

Fucking crazy. He's a child. He shouldn't have to worry about nasty little shits at school taking the piss. It's the bullying you need to address, not your child's natural features

It's a difficult subject. Bullying isn't exactly something you can just "address" and make quickly disappear. In the meantime, your child is suffering and could quite likely be affected for life by their experiences.

It's very easy to say that OTHER people and OTHER people's kids shouldn't change their appearance and should "love who they are" even if they are being bullied about aspects of their appearance

I have a 13yr old DS who put on weight over lockdown despite me reducing his portions and increasing fruit and veg. We’ve been for lots of walks but he refused to run (which they do a lot of at school). He started boxing at home and he noticed himself he’s got chubbier. He said “I’m going to be the fat kid when we go back.” He asked me to hide any bad foods and now football is back on twice a week he knows the chub will go but he’s still determined not to eat unhealthily as he knows it impacts him on the inside.

Her his ears pinned back. Best thing my friend ever did, it did wonders for her self esteem. Change his glasses to thin lenses. Get him signed up to a fitness club like football/rugby/running. It will help him feel good about himself.

It's the bullying you need to address, not your child's natural features

It’s not just kids though is it? Adults can be just as cruel. Some people are shouted at on the street for their size or appearance

My DS shot up at about 13/14 and went from being chubby to being quite skinny seemingly overnight! He always ate healthily, exactly the same foods as his skinny brother and sister, he just metabolised it differently. You can definitely help him though, by making sure he stays active over the summer and eats well, to give him the best chance to be a healthy weight and to keep fit.

The glasses, you can get lighter frames but they can be expensive. If he’s wearing them all the time then it’s a worthwhile investment and lots of opticians will do offers, especially for kids. He might also want to try contacts, even if just for special occasions.

DSD (12) has just started wearing contacts and it has really boosted her confidence. She’s like a different kid and has suddenly started getting boys show an interest, which sends out entirely all the wrong messages, but is unfortunately true! She also worries about her ears and won’t have her hair up etc (which has caused ongoing nit problems for years ) but when DP took her to a doctor to speak about potentially having them ‘pinned’ it turned out it was a bigger operation than he had thought, which put him off it - he had thought it was a minor procedure but it actually entailed a general anaesthetic etc so not just a bit of superglue and a couple of stitches! So everyone saying “get his ears pinned back” should know that they’re actually advocating cosmetic surgery for a child who is still growing into his looks. Not cool.

What’s his prescription? I’m -5 and I wear lenses. I’d definitely get his ears pinned because these names follow you through life.

I always wonder why the Queen never got Charles done.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/cosmetic-procedures/ear-correction-surgery/. It says here la can be used.

Getting ears pinned back is not a simple operation. It's actually major surgery. Perhaps encourage a little healthier eating/physical activity that he enjoys and look into thinner lenses.

He / you shouldn't have to do anything the world should be less cruel but sadly it isn't.
You can quite easily solve all 3 of the things you mention especially him being overweight this should be the most important one regardless of people making comments for his health
Poor boy made me sad too when you said his response to his sibling

I don’t think sticky-out ears are unattractive especially on boys/men, they are cute. But no doubt they can cause teasing at that age.

If he doesn’t want lenses or is still too young for them, shell out for glasses with the thinnest lenses possible and with anti-reflective coating (will stop the ring effect).

They might still need to be be quite thick - if so a small eye frame works best as lenses do get thicker away from the centre (assuming short-sight). And thicker plastic frames hide the edges of the lens better than a metal frame.

@unmarkedbythat

It's astounding how many people here think your son needs to be fixed.

I'd wager a fair few of us saying to at least think about options were badly bullied for our own appearances and remember the pain it caused. No, op's son shouldn't have to change to avoid that, but if someone had offered me a way to change the features that brought me so much misery I would have been relieved beyond description. The bullies are at fault. The boy deserves protection. One way of protecting him might be to look at ways of changing some things that other children are cruel about, if he wants to.

Very true, my parents stopped me getting braces & contact lenses, they encouraged me to eat the wrong foods so I was the miserable fat girl with teeth that stuck out so far a teacher called me a rat face & thick glasses.

I had to sort it all out myself at 16 because I could finally sign consent forms at the dentist & optician and my life changed dramatically because I wasn’t being called a dog or moose anymore.

It did damage our relationship & it’s one reason I felt no guilt cutting contact with them.

Dramatic I know but true, they didn’t do their job & there isn’t much you can do to build self esteem at home when for 6 hours a day your being bullied at school.

The first thing I’d do is tell off your daughter.

It’s one thing having kids at school calling him names but it’s another having his own sister jumping on the bandwagon.

I get siblings argue. I should know, I have two that bicker like cat and dog... but I’d hit the roof if anyone of them mocked the offer for how they look. What a telling off they’d get.

It’s hard enough at school fitting in, in the world of perfection seeking regarding appearance. So it’ll be a huge confident hit to him being called names and his sister feeding in to that vulgar behaviour.

So if start with giving her a telling off!

He’ll probably grow up to be so handsome as well!!

Why oh why have you not sorted out his ears this should have been done aged 5 or six poor love but 💐💐💐💐💐to you to show 9m not angry just sad for both of you.

@Holothane

I hope you’re joking. What a ridiculous and patronising comment.

I feel sad for parents who have children with cancer... not slightly sticky out ears- get a grip

there isn’t much you can do to build self esteem at home when for 6 hours a day your being bullied at school

Yes. And these days, where social media follows you everywhere, there's even less escape. Many's the time I have been so, so grateful that we didn't have mobiles and the internet and facebook and snapchat and the rest when I was at secondary. I cringe at the thought at what would have been posted about and to me. But even without all that, you're right- no amount of being jollied along at home by well meaning parents who were anxious to live up to some sort of "we are all fine as we are and it's the bullies who have the problem, not you" ideal could ever counteract the sheer torment of time at school where the bullying was relentless.

Maybe OP's son really is fine with himself (I hope so!) and really doesn't pay much heed to cruel comments (I really hope so!), but if he is suffering, he deserves a say in how it is responded to.

Over the rainbow, yes not cancer but bullies can make life hell I was bullied different reason I had it at home and school, walk in his shoes for a few days see how you like it. God help if your children get bullied will you say oh it’s not cancer, life with it.

No I won’t say that to them but I wouldn’t consider surgery to appease the bullies that is for sure

The difference between both my DS at ages 12 til 16 is enormous. Their 'chubby' cheeks and tummies completely disappeared and they are now, at 16 and 18, both over 6ft and are skinny as rakes.

It is difficult for kids to believe they will go through this metamorphosis but they do.

It's such a shame in a way as all the cuteness of them as young people turns into angles and bones!!

Get his ears done. Just do it. I had a godawful nose as a kid. Was teased relentlessly. Totally different thing i realise... and totally different situation with my parents. I wanted it fixed and my mother insisted I was beautiful and didn't need surgery. Nothing wrong with my nose...she said. Eventually i had it fixed (at 17) and then she said, 'well yes i always thought it was big'. I felt betrayed! (Yes, parents can't win).

I was chubby with frizzy hair as a child. My mum put me on a diet and straightened my hair everyday, taught me how to put on makeup. I was still relentlessly bullied but had no resilience and just thought that I would always be ugly and hated no matter what I did. It's had a lasting impact on my self esteem which I've only really overcome in the last few years.