I think he gets called ugly

[shesgrownhorns]

Ds (12) is going into year 8 at high school. He says he enjoys it but I am really worried about him. He's chubby, wears strong glasses and there's no denying that his ears stick out. I know that he gets called names at school, he's made the occasional remark (she calls me Mickey Mouse) being an example. He's not complaining or appearing to be upset by this, just mentions it in passing but he shrugs it off saying he doesn't care when I ask him about it. This morning dd (11) and him were bickering and dd said 'have you looked in the mirror recently' . I told her to apologise for this and he said 'it's ok, it happens often.' He said this in a quiet but matter of fact way. My heart went out to him. I don't know what to do to for the best - do I talk to him gently and ask if he's being called names persistently? My fear is that in doing that I look like I am assuming that people do actually view him as ugly. Another option is to ignore and laugh off, but is this making too much light of it? I cannot possibly believe that he is not hurt by this even though he shrugs things off. AIBU to be worried sick?

You need to get his ears pinned back.
Beg, borrow or steal or whatever to pay for it but don't dither and sort it out now.

Why can't you get his glasses sorted out?

Nice haircut, good frames with thinned lenses will make such a difference

I would suggest:
Listen carefully. If the chance arises again, e.g his sister says something, or he mentions another child’s called him a name, have a quiet word. Say “what do they mean by that when they use that name?” - if it isn’t obvious. If it is clear to you that your DS is being bullied, what is communication like between you both? Could you spend some time together and bring it up then?

I am a bit shocked by how superficial some previous posters are. The boy himself isn’t asking for contacts, for example. No need to give him a complex, or encourage the idea that looks are everything.

I feel your underlying anxiety may be to do with your own experiences, perhaps with past self esteem issues or bullying. I could be wrong, but children have a way of reminding us of our own past.

I hope you get some peace of mind soon x

I pay to have my sons glasses thinned down. They're still really thick but better than not being thinned. Ears pinned if that bad surely. Then healthy eating.

Honestly, his weight is down to you and you alone as a parent. A poor diet and sedentary lifestyle isn't really acceptable. That may be hard to hear but it's true. He will grow obviously and he may lean out but this isn't a given. Three meals a day, reasonable portion sizes and snacks can be fruit, veg or salad. If he's not hungry for those things then he's not that hungry is he.

The other things just are what they are and I agree with PP saying that you should go down the route of complimenting his confidence. Having said that, if he ever said he didn't like his ears or asked about contact lenses I'd let him straight away. Getting contacts when I was in year 8 was a turning point for me. It also made it easier for me to do sport and be active because my glasses weren't prohibiting this.

My ds is a bit like your ds, he is very confident that he doesn't seems to care about him being teased for his looks. And since he doesn't seems to mind, it rarely happens now I think.
But it maybe a good idea to ask him what he really wants to do or not do.
Once older, unless they are really nasty, children will learn not to tease people's looks, I'm sure.
Being liked by everyone says a lot about him. Sound like you have very lovely boy.

@cancelculturemeinyellow

Honestly, his weight is down to you and you alone as a parent. A poor diet and sedentary lifestyle isn't really acceptable. That may be hard to hear but it's true. He will grow obviously and he may lean out but this isn't a given. Three meals a day, reasonable portion sizes and snacks can be fruit, veg or salad. If he's not hungry for those things then he's not that hungry is he.

The other things just are what they are and I agree with PP saying that you should go down the route of complimenting his confidence. Having said that, if he ever said he didn't like his ears or asked about contact lenses I'd let him straight away. Getting contacts when I was in year 8 was a turning point for me. It also made it easier for me to do sport and be active because my glasses weren't prohibiting this.

Are you a paediatric dietitian?

Don’t offer him help to “improve his looks” as some people have mentioned! That’s just confirming that he’s “ugly”! As does “it’s whats inside that matters”!

Next time an opportunity arises, have a chat. Find out exactly what’s been said to him, reassure him his ears are fine (or whatever the bullies are picking on), then ask him how he feels about what they say. That gives him a chance to say things like “Actually, I wish I had trendier glasses” or whatever.

Never suggest parts of him are ugly or wrong. I still remember a casual comment about me decades later. Even though I’m a confident adult, it still makes me insecure and still comes back to me when I look in the mirror.

But do have a chat with your DD to stop such careless throwaway remarks becoming a habit. Remind her that those who rush to point out ‘faults’ in others’ appearance usually do it to mask their own insecurity.

You dont need to be a dietitian to make an educated guess

OP hasn't stated he is chubby because of xyz illness etc so the logical assumption is its a home based issue

My 11 year old has put on some chunk in lockdown a hypermobile child cut off from swimming and zero enforcement on home PE lessons (my fault obviously) has led to ripples and tight clothing im resolving it slowly by cutting down on the junk i buy (if its not in he cant eat it) and pushing physical activities a bit (water fights and we are trying basketball this week) its my house my kid my responsibility

Have you watched the Inbetweeners? The
characters are older (16) but I believe it's considered quite accurate in showing teen banter ( calling each other ugly etc even if they are not.) "Have you looked in the mirror recently?" is a pretty classic comeback imo

Of course it's possible that this could be bullying but that depends how often it's said, who said it Etc but I thought I'd mentioned the banter as a side thought

@unmarkedbythat oh please. The idea that we all need to be dieticians to know that eat less and move more is the recipe for maintaining a healthy weight is ridiculous. If this child is fat, the parent needs to take responsibility. Cutting down on processed foods and eating balanced meals isn't the stuff of dieticians, it is the way people ate before we had a childhood obesity epidemic.

Hiking, walking, bike-rides, swimming (if/when open). All great fun, cheap and easy to do as a family.

Kids are absolutely cruel. They will pick on someone no matter what, my youngest daughter is a pretty girl, kind and friendly - so she got bullied through years 7 and 8 and called 'cheapo' and 'poundland' because she didn't have a fancy label coat and shoes - she had reasonably good quality stuff but not known brands. Also because she didn't have lots of gadgets (ipad, playstation, latest phone). We eventually moved her to another school in year 9 where she did better, but she still got picked for various things, it just wasn't quite as bad as at her old school.

I'm still here - I've been out but will read each and every one when I'm sitting down in a bit - thank you x

Ears pinned back, lenses thinned or contacts, diet. I'm sorry I'm going to be really blunt but you can sort all this and probably should have done a while ago.

My DH had randomly one ear which stuck out...I actually never noticed it until we'd been together 2 years but he said that and in his words his jam jar glasses really bothered him in school he's really handsome actaully, but honestly when I see his school pics I feel so cross with his Mum for not sorting it out. He got contacts in Uni and had his ear pinned back the year before we got married.

I think you do have to pitch it so it's his decision though - the idea up thread of asking him if there's anything he'd like to change or that bothers him physically then let him know what the options are. You can sort his diet though....year 8...he doesn't get a choice in that in my opinion.

I wonder how many who have said to have Op's son's ears pinned would do it so lightly if it was their own child?

Should he not have a say?

Poor boy. That’s one of your worst nightmares if your kids being bullied. DO talk to him. Ask him about what he said it’s happens often’ and how does he feel about that? Yes, you can get small cosmetic procedure and lenses and hair cut etc, but it’s his health that needs cared for , isn’t it?? I was bullied. I wish my parents had given a shit tbh. Ask his sister too - she will know more than you think if he’s being bullied. Support your son as I’m sure you are , and give him big hugs 🤗. Good luck 💐

I had my ears pinned back when i was 10. Well, my parents did actually. I always had long hair to kinda cover it, but they were still visible. I dont remember them bothering me, but looking at photos now im really glad my parents decided for me before it became an issue.
Its been over 25 years now and ive never had any issues with my ears
Glasses can also be fixed easily.

@hula008 - I'm sorry that happened to you, but that's a valuable insight for OP. Are you suggesting she maybe shouldn't go down the route we are suggesting? It would be awful if he thought he had to have an operation and go hungry just to be socially acceptable. I think there's a balance. DS2 was chubby. For very complex reasons I won't go into here, I decided never to put him on a diet. Now, aged 17, in lockdown he's decided to take control of his own diet and overhauled it. He has lost all the weight he needed to lose and is so proud of himself, without ever having been made to feel he had to change to be accepted.

I really don't think he needs to change anything unless he wants to. No one is ugly because of how they look. Only ugly people are the ones who calls people names and bully/tease.

Please do whatever you can to make things easier for him. Senior school is fecking horrendous if you don’t look ‘right’.
He sounds a super lad, but being a crooked toothed, glasses wearing child of the 70s, I went through hell. I know you shouldn’t have to, I really do, but it will make life easier for him.
I went through senior school with the nickname ‘Raquel’. It was 1978/9, I looked nothing like Raquel Welch (the pin up of the time), every time I walked down a corridor boys would wolf whistle and say ‘here comes Raquel’. It was awful. They were cruelly mocking my plainness, crooked teeth and turquoise NHS plastic framed glasses. I’m 56 now, I have never forgotten the way it made me feel.

@OverTheRainbow88

It seems unfair that he should have to change all his appearances to fit in with what others deem ‘acceptable’.

I agree. I think it's really sad the first thing people jump to is cosmetic surgery to make him fit in with the norm.

I think it's really sad the first thing people jump to is cosmetic surgery to make him fit in with the norm.

What's sad is the way he'll be treated for looking the way he does by the other kids. But making a stand isn't going to help him feel any happier if he really is miserable underneath. Society has judged people on their looks pretty much since we emerged from the caves.

So, say he doesn’t mind how he looks, and puts up with teasing, and then his own mother suggests he should have surgery, ‘oh great, my own mother thinks I’m not good enough’. Much more damaging than bullying.

If he shows an interest in his appearance, or asks about getting fitter, or different glasses, or asks how come his ears stick out and can anything be done, then OP can factually and non judgementally support him with his concerns.

I was bullied at school for the way i looked. The answer wasnt to "correct" everything about myself that the bullies were picking on. What's that going to do for a kids self esteem? Basically confirming the bullies are right and there's something wrong with the child?

Plus you look back at school photos now and the bullies were just as bloody weird looking as everyone else. Cosmetic surgery for a young boy with a perfectly natural feature? Do fuck off. He doesn't need fixing.

He sounds like a great kid. Kids are little shits to each other at times.