I think he gets called ugly

[shesgrownhorns]

Ds (12) is going into year 8 at high school. He says he enjoys it but I am really worried about him. He's chubby, wears strong glasses and there's no denying that his ears stick out. I know that he gets called names at school, he's made the occasional remark (she calls me Mickey Mouse) being an example. He's not complaining or appearing to be upset by this, just mentions it in passing but he shrugs it off saying he doesn't care when I ask him about it. This morning dd (11) and him were bickering and dd said 'have you looked in the mirror recently' . I told her to apologise for this and he said 'it's ok, it happens often.' He said this in a quiet but matter of fact way. My heart went out to him. I don't know what to do to for the best - do I talk to him gently and ask if he's being called names persistently? My fear is that in doing that I look like I am assuming that people do actually view him as ugly. Another option is to ignore and laugh off, but is this making too much light of it? I cannot possibly believe that he is not hurt by this even though he shrugs things off. AIBU to be worried sick?

I had my ears pinned back when I was 14. GP said to my parents they wear called ‘bat ears’.

When they took the bandages off I swear I was so happy!

No more Jug ears or trophy head comments again.

It’s all fine and well telling other people that their looks don’t matter and it’s what inside counts and to try and ignore it but things like this can really effect your self esteem. And can be a flag for shit people to call you things.

It’s a simple procedure. And I’ve never had any cosmetic surgery since.

Also people that say ‘don’t get his ears pinned back’ - do you object to children wearing braces on their teeth too?

Big, sticking out ears run in my family, from my dad's side. I don't have them, thank goodness. I have always said that if my children inherited them I would have them pinned back if they wanted it done. Thankfully they were girls and their ears were fine. I think it's a fairly simple procedure and I wouldn't think twice about it.

Can the glass lenses be thinned? I know it's a bit more money, but I would see what can be done.

Weight can be worked on too, not because of looks, but for health reasons. It makes me sad to see overweight children as it's such an uphill battle to lose weight later in life if you've always been chubby.

I say all that as someone who wore glasses at school, was mildly bullied and is an overweight adult. I'm not divorced from the issues here.

I would definitely do something about the weight and the glasses. Weight, as being chubby is setting him up for all kinds of health problems.
Glasses as the thick ones are incredibly uncomfortable- thinned glasses are so much nicer to wear, and he is now at an age where he can look after them. if you can afford it, go for thinned glasses!
Ear surgery- I don’t know

Ask him if there’s anything he wants to do and if there’s anything you can do to help.
The most important thing is his weight so he can be healthy and fit maybe you could do a sporty hobby together?

I would open a conversation up by asking him how he felt about what his sister said and take it from there.

As for ears pinning, someone I know had a DS with very sticky-out ears and they didn't get them pinned for fear of what other people would think of them as parents - that they didn't love their DS just as he was, or that they were superficial by changing something about his looks. They said they'd let the DS decide for himself when he was older despite the DS being unhappy with his ears. They felt they had taken the moral/worthy/less superficial high road.

As soon as the DS turned 18 he got his ears pinned back, was over the moon with the results and the parents then thoroughly wished they'd had it done when he was a child and saved him years of teasing. Also they felt guilty that they'd put their concerns about other people thinking they were shallow if they'd arranged it for DS to have done when he was a child, rather than DS's own feelings about being teased for it.

Not that ears should automatically be pinned or anything. Just that in that case, the parents were actually more worried about being judged than what was right for the DS.

Prob the same people saying dont help your hairy daughter remove her hairy tache when funny enough they were never as hairy as their child growing up anyway (!) Kinda like an idealistic statement to the world about what kind of parents they are than what the child wants/needs. The world is shallow and cruel, why would you contribute and give it more reasons to be so? Yes ideally nobody cares about looks but its not the reality.

I would open a conversation up by asking him how he felt about what his sister said and take it from there

That validates the sister's comments - how he would feel is shit because OP's DD was in the wrong!

OP should be talking to DD about her comments - DS's issues around other people commenting on his appearance are separate from DD's comments, which can be dealt with by teaching DD not to be one of the arseholes.

OP, my DS had - has- sticky out soft ears that he can click😂
MIL said “ Get them pinned back” but we never did- he is a man now and his hair covers his ears, and he has never been bothered by his ears.

Weight though can be got rid of💯And slimmer children are teased less- and it is good for their well being too.

HOWEVER it is the nature of school kids to be bullies- and my DS was bullied for being young looking ( late July birthday).

He says in retrospect he should have hit back at bullies but met some of the old bullies at a school reunion a year ago and DS towered over them- and the bullies apologised.

It is horrid being bullied, so give your DS the wherewithal to feel as good as possible about himself 💕💯

Don’t Assume he will be a victim, boost up his confidence- and one hard wallop can nip bullying in the bud-
Not popular to say this, but DS wasn’t bullied after he thumped the bully. Hard.

I didn't know my mother thought I was truly ugly until she started going on about the wonderful things they could do with cosmetic and plastic surgery to change my skin, my nose and my ears.

I'd be very reluctant to inform him that you're considering getting HIS ears pinned back. Because you're confirming that he isn't acceptable to you.

I can’t imagine ever telling my DS he needed a cosmetic procedure on the advice of no medical professional.

Hey son, you don’t seem to have given it a thought, but here’s something I think you should do because you’re ugly.

Braces are usually advised by dentists for the prevention of later problems as well as cosmetic reasons.

Surely it’s much better to cultivate healthy self esteem?

I don't think you can compensate for the real hurry he may be feeling by complimenting his good points, pointing out bad points on famous people or saying it's character building.

I think you really need to address the issue, gently but directly.

There was plenty of stuff about my appearance I was picked on for at school. I wish my DM has even listened to me about it never mind talked about how I felt and what the options were, and what the drawbacks of those were.

I just got 'oh just ignore them!' or'you won't be worrying ascot what they're saying in 10 years time!'. It basically absolved my DM off helping me to deal with it.

In life there are times for all of us when we want to conform, and times when we want to strike out and tread our own path.

I'm convinced this is one of those times to make a conscious decision over what to do.

Help your son by gently opening the batting. He may not want to come to you first.

Hurt not hurry!

@MitziK
Agree...
MIL was obsessed with DS’s ears, but I didn’t want to go ahead for reasons you state.
If a child says they want their ears pinned, it is different, but my DS loves his party trick ears that he can play so they sound like castanets👍

You don't have to say a single word to him about his glasses or weight. You book an eye test, get him to choose the frames he likes and then say to the optician " I want the lenses thinning please"

Weight, you just make the whole families diet healthier. Start going for daily walks as a family, bike rides, kick abouts in the park etc. Every day.

His ears, well that's trickier. That's where you need the delicate conversation

@Thesuzle

Get his ears pinned back, kid in my school did it way back in the 70’s. She was so happy

That.

Be aware that he says it doesn't bother him as he may be internalising his feelings and one day it'll be like WW3. Maybe helping him to make more of himself will give him more confidence and confidence is brilliant no matter what you look like.

I was name called about my looks at school. Unf there was no ‘remedy’ for them as I didn’t wear glasses, had regular ears and was slim!! I think if you can work together with your son to possibly improve his looks then you will be doing him a massive favour. Siblings are always mean to each other though - my two call each other names and neither are ugly or fat!!!
Don’t give him a complex - you can certainly tell him that people who make fun of others’ looks are horrible, but if he wants to you can get him some trendier glasses (so many teens wear them now and there are some lovely styles out there - my DS looks great in his) and possibly look into the ear thing.
And re the weight - at 12 they still eat the majority of meals at home so make them healthy and ensure lots of exercise is taken too - even if it’s on a trampoline, or football or whatever!! I think this is the issue that needs the most sensitive treatment.

Yes you have it within your power to help him in both ways - you can (and I think should) talk him through the offer of having his ears pinned back and thinner lenses, plus discuss diet and exercise; and you can have discussions about inner strength and resilience too.

Help him.

As someone who genuinely is ugly (through reasons that are not easily resolved), he definitely won’t want his parents making a big deal of it. I was protected from any comments at school by my very popular sister, but I know it’s what people think when they see me. Home was like a refuge where I didn’t need to be ok looking.

Could you suggest new glasses when those are due for renewal, so it comes naturally? And as a family focus on healthy eating in general, because of the CV situation?

I had my ears pinned back at 7, they were definitely bat ears and I am so glad my Mum did this for me and this was in 1969! Then a stay in hospital and time off school, now a relatively minor thing. The issue with short-sight came at 16, but high index lenses make an enormous difference. Each nibble at his self-esteem is one too many.

Its a really difficult thing to discuss without pointing out ‘flaws’

In year 7 I was the fat kid with awful hair, thick glasses and teeth that could eat an apple through a letterbox. I was also the only brown child.

I went to a tiny primary school so I didn’t experience comments about my appearance, secondary school however was very different.

Kids can be really cruel, I thankfully had a brace when I was 12 to sort my teeth out, I got into rugby which meant I lost a bit of weight, but it also meant I had to have thin safety lenses in my glasses.

As a 32 year old I’ve had laser eye surgery, I hugely micromanage my weight/diet to the point of having an ED for quite a long time, I’ve also had a further brace as my teeth weren’t ‘perfect’ and I whiten them on a regular basis.

Some children genuinely don’t care if others dislike their appearance etc, others do. But you don’t know which one your child will be as an adult. But no matter how the child feels, the child/ren making comments shouldn’t be getting away with being nasty.

It's astounding how many people here think your son needs to be fixed.

Why havent you pinned his ears back, watched his weight at only 12 and paid for thinner glasses or contacts?!

You're kidding me right? You're basically saying it's the kids fault for not fitting in. Newsflash, he doesn't have to fit in.

Fucking crazy. He's a child. He shouldn't have to worry about nasty little shits at school taking the piss. It's the bullying you need to address, not your child's natural features.

Get his ears pinned back, kid in my school did it way back in the 70’s. She was so happy
Not exactly teaching a, child to be happy and confident in themselves, is it? It's, reinforcing shallow attitudes towards how someone looks and how worthy they are!