To ask your opinion on this #WorldBreastfeedingWeek debate

[Napqueen1234]

Sorry if this sounds childish referred to social media etc but interested to canvas opinions.

A friend of mine shared a post on Instagram re world breastfeeding week about how it’s the best thing for baby and mum, so proud she could do it, perseverance etc. She’s a very zealous breastfeeder generally (and why not!) and was a good person to go to for advice when I was struggling although did say she was ‘disappointed I had given in’ after 2 months. Anyway!

Another friend then shared a post about Fed Is Best (she struggled bf and switched to formula and has always found it difficult seeing bf women, a lot of guilt and sadness that I feel she needs to process somehow) and how WBW is just another stick to beat ‘failed breast feeders’ with and anyone who wants to breastfeed gets loads of support from midwives etc and generally society nowadays so it isn’t needed.

Both have since messaged me about the other stating they are upset (we are a close group of 4, the other doesn’t have DC so I suppose I’m mediator). Friend one feels like this is one week where BF should be celebrated and acknowledged is better. Friend two feels mother’s should be more understanding to the feelings of those that couldn’t breastfeed and not ‘brag’.

I have remained fairly moderate and tried to calm things but who do you think is right?

YABU- it’s world breastfeeding week! It’s best let them have their moment.

YANBU- it can make women feel very sad who didn’t bf or who ‘failed’ so social media posts should be mindful of this.

Yeah, I'd stay neutral, OP, if I were you.

As someone in the process of stopping and upset about it as it hasn’t worked out, I would say YABU (As per your criteria) and let those who breastfeed have a week to celebrate because it is really hard, rates are low, and I don’t think women should be unable to talk about it or be proud of themselves because of people who it doesn’t work for.

However it does depend on the tone of what is said in the cause of celebrating breastfeeding. Talking about the benefits of breastfeeding is great, but you can do this without talking about formula feeding being bad or risky etc. It isn’t “bragging” to be happy to have breastfed but if the tone of posts does stray into bragging territory then I agree with your FF friend.

However I would really try to stay out of it as between your two friends...!

It depends on precisely what your pro-bf friend is saying. Her saying she was "disappointed" you stopped sounds annoying.
But generally speaking, I don't think there's anything wrong at all with the idea of world breastfeeding week. People should be allowed to celebrate something they're proud of without needing to worry that people who didn't/couldn't do it will be offended.

UK has one of the worst breastfeeding rates in the world. I'd say anything that promotes bf and helps to normalise it, eg by sharing pictures of babies feeding at the breast, is a good thing

Oh Jesus. Brace yourself for BF zealots who deny FF mums get abuse from random people and FF mums who like to bait the ‘Breastapo’....

Can’t we all just get along and keep our noses out of other people’s tits and bottles?!

Can’t we all just get along and keep our noses out of other people’s tits and bottles?

Hear hear!

I can’t believe there are still woman who are that invested in what other woman do with their tits to be honest.

Another vote for staying neutral. We all know bf is best, and whilst bf should be celebrated people should be mindful of others. I’d be telling both friends you understand and respect their opinion but don’t want to get involved.

Fed is not best, one type of feeding is objectively better than the other (plus involves a certain amount of personal sacrifice that the other doesn’t) and I assume your non-breastfeeding friend knows that, so she’s not really posting that for any reason other than to centre a conversation which wasn’t about her on herself and her feelings. That would annoy me more than a zealous breastfeeder, although I appreciate the ‘disappointed’ comment is rude. There’s some real ingrained misogyny in asking women to keep quiet about their opinions/experiences for fear of upsetting other woman who haven’t shared them. No one asks men to do that about anything.

I'd say YANBU because the current breastfeeding dogma is massively counterproductive: it creates undue pressure, guilt, unrealistic expectations, ... which all contribute to low breastfeeding rates in the long run, and poorly fed babies in the short run (when new mums desperately try, struggle, get excessively stressed, blame themselves, keep trying... and make themselves and their babies sick as a result)

Facts: (didn't check recently, but fairly sure that hasn't changed)

1. most women in the UK plan to breastfeed from day one
2. by 3 months, most babies in the UK are no longer significantly breastfed

No amount of chanting "breast is best" will change this. This approach is not working.
If people were serious about encouraging breastfeeding, they would try to identify the systemic obstacles which prevent it. I'd bet it starts in the postnatal wards from hell. And is made worse by the pathetically low numbers of fathers who take more than 2 weeks of parental leave. And the fact their extended family now often lives far away.

The bottom line is that breastfeeding women are absolutely not physically supported. Then don't need leaflets or slogans. They need expert practical advice, and rest, and plenty of food, so that they can be in top shape, establish feeding early, and sustain it. In practice they need "slaves" (kind relatives) around the house to look after them, and handle all the chores, and keep an eye on the baby while they get some sleep...
Some lucky superladies may manage without all this, but for most... This is why breastfeeding fails. Not enough genuine support that matters.
THIS is what people should be talking about during breastfeeding week (that, and mastitis, and scabbed nipples... and nipples shields, and breast pumps... and tongue tie, and how to tell from the colour of your newborn's poo whether they're getting adequate nutrition or not... and whether you should even bother with breastfeeding bras and breast pads, or just wear baggy t-shirts and change them every few hours, etc., etc.)

Can’t we all just get along and keep our noses out of other people’s tits and bottles?

This!

although, it's a way to promote and normalise breastfeeding which should be encouraged. Most of what I've seen so far is saying celebrate no matter how long you breast fed, feeding for a day, a week, a month is still an achievement.

Everything I see making anyone feel guilty or shamed is aimed at breastfeeding mums rather than the other way around and I just can't understand why anyone else gives a shit what someone else is doing with their boobs. Fgs a baby is being fed, unless it's yours why would you care how it's being fed*

*with the exception of the babies that are being force fed those horrific 'knock out bottles' or given coke in a bottle. I will continue to raise an eyebrow there.

I exclusively BF my daughter till she was 10 months old and the only reason I stopped is because I got pregnant with my son and she weaned herself of it.. I had never put too much thought into how I was going to feed her before she came but as soon as she latched, this amazing natural connection was felt and I knew it was right for me. Especially since I had not birthed her in the way I wanted too (EMCS)

I was dead set on trying to give birth naturally with my son and breastfeed him (basically feel like I had done everything right the second time) and then everything went wrong. He was born nearly 8 weeks early (another EMCS) and he couldn’t latch so I expressed fully for 3 months whilst I was in and out of hospital with him but I couldn’t do it when I got out as my relationship with my daughter was struggling and my son also needed feeding every 2 hours. He did eventually latch ( a couple of day’s after I’d stopped expressing) but I wasn’t making enough milk for his full feeds so I had to give up.

I still remain impartial to other people’s methods of feeding and I am used to giving him formula now but it still eats me up inside when people mention are you breastfeeding, it is the best thing for them. The guilt I feel every time I give him a bottle of formula cuts me up.. I couldn’t carry him properly and he stopped growing because my body wasn’t good enough for him and now he can’t even take what he needs from me either.

It makes me feel like a really crappy mum. I don’t judge people’s feeding choices but I’d have to hide the breast is best posts for the week now as any mention of breastfeeding makes me want to cry

Excellent post by @Kaiserin

I think they both spend too much time on social media.

A read an interesting post on a fb group I’m on the other day. She’d had fertility issues and her husband is disabled as a result of his job in the army and now struggles to walk.

When someone announces their pregnancy can you imagine anyone replying “well not everyone can get pregnant” or “not everyone wants children you know”. When someone says they’re running a marathon this woman’s husband doesn’t get snippy because he’s in pain and can barely walk.

Yet when anyone tries to talk about breastfeeding they’re usually set upon by people saying “not everyone can breastfeed”, “no need to be so smug”, “I didn’t breastfed and my child is now 10 feet tall with no allergies, has a PhD and never had a day off school, ergo breastfeeding is pointless” or the ever ridiculous “fed is best” which means literally nothing. Fed is the only way to keep a baby alive.

'I can’t believe there are still woman who are that invested in what other woman do with their tits to be honest.'

I'd stay quite neutral

I'd certainly not keep abreast of their silly squabbles.

Rather dull

Well neither is wrong per se. I’ve both ‘failed’ and also ‘succeeded’ with different children at BF. The only thing I would say is that bf is rarely something that is purely choice. For most women they either can do it (with some pain and effort) or find it hard and get loads of support or find it hard with no support or impossible due to physical factors. In none of these situations is it a pure choice. Circumstances, support network, your mental health, your physical body/health and your baby’s physical body are all very much factors.

In all things, showing a bit of understanding to the other side doesn’t go amiss. I would encourage them to share vulnerably with each other (rather than point scoring) and they might feel more empathy and make up.

Agree with Kaiserin 100%

All these pro breastfeeding campaigns give the misleading impression that low BF rates are because women are choosing not to BF.

Not so. In fact most women would love to BF but cannot because they are not given the support to do so.

Look at tongue tie for example - incredibly difficult to get it diagnosed and treated on the NHS, little knowledge of it among midwives and other HCPs.

@Kaiserin that is a great post. And I agree the current methods aren’t working. The thing I find strange and sad (having had two kids and bf one and not the other due to various difficulties) is the fact that when pregnant you have to choose to bottle feed or breast feed. A slight chance after however many weeks to express one bottle for ‘dad to do the late feed’ or whatever but it’s like you have to commit. No one talks about combination feeding, the benefits of feeding for a short time and seeing how it goes/stopping if you want to etc so it feels like a massive commitment. Then once your FF it’s still raised quite a lot which can cause a lot of guilt and generally by then it’s too late to ‘go back’ as it were. I found both times stressful in their own way but I had far more guilt and sadness for FF compared to negativity towards BF.

As you have virtually all said I have left well alone. I honestly see both sides and find it sad that people feel obligated to pick a side too often. Thanks for the feedback though some interesting points and experiences. And I’m sorry @Logiclady94 those feelings really resonate with my first baby who was also early and it was so hard. I’m sure you’re a fantastic mum.

It's lovely to acknowledge breastfeeding. Why wouldn't you? It's like having a world running week. Not everyone can or wants to be a runner, but it's lovely to acknowledge those who do. It's a great thing. It doesn't mean not running makes you a horrible person.

I've had two babies. One who I desperately wanted to breastfeed, but it wasn't possible. And one who I bf for 15 months. He never had so much as a bottle of expressed milk. Fed from the breast that whole time. Each was lovely. I've never had anyone make me feel bad about the formula fed one (except for one crazy friend who believed that babies who are formula fed should be taken away from their horrible neglectful mothers by social services okay then! She's just a nutcase!).

But for me, being able to breastfeed my other one was a really happy thing. It doesn't mean I'm better or he's healthier. It's just what I wanted to do and it was hard at first. And I'm pleased with it. I don't really share anything much about how I fed either of them.

But I also don't think it's okay for someone else's trauma to overshadow how happy someone else is about something in their life. I had friends who had babies about the time that the 2nd baby I lost would have been born. That was sad and I found it hard to see them posting about it on social media. But ultimately my sadness about something in my life doesn't cancel out how lovely it is for a happy thing that someone is really proud of to happen in their lives. You have to make space for that. You can still raise awareness about the challenges people face (I talk about how hard it was for me to bf all the time). But let people feel good about their things too.

Feeding issues aside, I think the key issue here is that we are almost expected to get on our soap boxes about every issue. Be seen to be vocal and confrontational about issues. Often when people don't have anything particularly insightful to add.

Both are correct about breastfeeding in truth, but presuming they're not influencers with lots of followers, who are they trying to convince? You don't need to "raise awareness" amongst your friends on an issue that will be known to them all. But you can cause a lot of upset, given how sensitive an issue it is.

I think people would do well to remember that when weeks like this arise.

I agree @mindutopia that’s how I’ve always viewed WBW even before I managed to do it and only had negative experiences. It wasn’t designed to belittle me it was designed to celebrate women who are breastfeeding which is ultimately a wonderful thing!

@Kaiserin has nailed it. One of the best posts I've seen on this topic.

Stay impartial and let them each have their own personal view.

My personal view having BF for a short time and then FF is that breastfeeding should be normalised and celebrated.

You don't need to "raise awareness" amongst your friends on an issue that will be known to them all. But you can cause a lot of upset, given how sensitive an issue it is.

I think people would do well to remember that when weeks like this arise.

Do you mean people shouldn’t post photos of themselves breastfeeding or talk about positive experiences in case it upsets someone who didn’t breastfeed?

@upsidedownwavylegs - how obnoxious you sound.
I really, really do not understand the interest other people have in whether a mother breast feeds or formula feeds her baby. And the competitive smugness it seems to generate from some women. A mother's job is to feed her baby. Why on earth does this suddenly require a huge fanfare and pat on the back? It's boring, mundane, tedious, often stressful, sometimes painful but necessary, and despite what some posters seem to believe, a fed baby is best. Whether that be from breast or bottle.
@Kaiserin - requiring or expecting a team of 'slaves' to support or look after you so you can breastfeed is unrealistic, precious and absurd. In the real world, women all around the globe quietly get on with feeding their babies without needing a big fuss, posting endless selfies of themselves 'boobing' in different places or needing a team of people around them so they can 'self sacrifice' to feed their babies. It is literally nobody else's business and no mother should be made to feel like she has failed or could/should have tried harder or should have stopped breastfeeding sooner or introduced mixed feeding, etc. Just get on with it.