To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

The fact that you've not met her yet and she's doing fit is a bit weird.

What sort of things - clothes or big things?

I see where you’re coming from, but telling them will only upset both of them, is it worth it ? I’d concentrate on your brother-make sure he’s ok.

This isn't the issue

But you've mentioned it a number of times, you're worried about the little brother who's 11...

Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to paint you out as anything! But let's also see this as a parallel issue here otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it.

Why don’t you just tell your mum you love her and you’re happy she has found someone that makes her happy. You need a bit of time and space to process some of it because you’re her child, not just her friend.

I’d suggest letting her know you’d like to meet this lady at a planned time, maybe go for a meal rather than ‘bump into her’ or have her drop into your mum’s house. Suggesting this because my mum introduced he to her adult partners in the latter ‘surprise!’ way and it made things awkward- seeing them in your childhood home can be a bit odd to begin with (don’t say this to your mum but just FYI)

What's she buying? A few babygros is quite sweet but big presents might make me feel more uncomfortable.
It's difficult. Your mum is probably just very happy and excited. Don't rule out your baby developing a relationship with your mum's gf in the future.
I think I would need to meet and get to know the gf before I could really make a proper judgement. She might be lovely, or she might be pushy and demanding. It would make all the difference for me in how I felt about the presents and building a relationship. Hopefully she's just being kind and you can get to know her slowly.

You really do need to meet her. It's a difficult situation for everyone. She is probably hoping the baby presents will help, and in a way, it's a nice thing to do, I wouldn't blame her for that. Hopefully you will like her when you meet her. Although I see your point about her not being a real gran, she may be a part of your family eventually, and become part of your child's life.

Hi @hopeishere it's been quite a few things, and nothing I haven't already bought myself. There's been a keepsake box, cot mobile (which I didn't want to get incase of small parts and choking hazards) a jacket and milestone cards.

It's not like it's just a small wee thing, my parter is annoyed by it also as he's obviously protective of his daughter too! I'm so conflicted as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings!

My mums also a big sharer of photos and I know she's been sending pictures of my family and niece etc so I'll be definitely having a conversation regarding no photo sending until I know her properly and have a relationship with her (if it of course lasts that long)

She's probably thinking that buying some baby clothes will help you welcome her to the family. I don't understand why you would be upset with it.

If you mum has only been seeing her for a couple of months and you have never met her that does seem a bit odd.
After a couple of months it’s not really a fully fledged relationship yet and I think a bit early to be thinking about long term. They could be split up before baby arrives!

I don’t think OP is saying that she’s gay is an issue? Any new relationship causes adjustments and could be unsettling for an 11 year old depending on how it’s handled.

If you can let it wash over you for now I would. I’d find it strange yes, especially when you haven’t met her and it’s such a new relationship, but if it’s small bits I’d just see it as a way for her trying to build a raport with you. You could always say you’d prefer to wait until the baby is here before you buy stuff?

My mums also a big sharer of photos and I know she's been sending pictures of my family and niece etc so I'll be definitely having a conversation regarding no photo sending until I know her properly and have a relationship with her (if it of course lasts that long)

Do you mean your mum’s girlfriend isn’t allowed to see photos of your baby when it’s born...? If your baby isn’t even born until December you’ve got plenty of time to get to know her. But even so do you not think that’s a little extreme?

When I was pregnant with my first I got loads of gifts from people I'd never met. My mum worked away and she was so excited about the first grandchild that her whole office knew about it and they all sent some lovely gifts.
Your mum's new partner is probably just trying to make a good impression - she might be very nervous about meeting you all as she does symbolise a big change for your family. Personally, unless I had a very good reason to reject the gifts, I'd accept them with good grace. People love buying baby gifts and the hurt it could create in your family not accepting them would need to be worth it if you rejected them.

I’m confused by what you mean when you say you’re partner is annoyed by it as he is also protective of his daughter - protecting her from what exactly?

I can understand if you don’t want someone you haven’t met buying items for your unborn child but it’s not something she needs protecting from?

Like you, it would make me feel a bit odd as you haven’t met her. Obviously, this lady is wanting to be generous and it is a nice gesture, but it does seem a little much at this stage.

YABU. And your mum being gay clearly IS the issue, which you are pushing on to this poor woman you haven't even met who is trying to do something nice.

my parter is annoyed by it also as he's obviously protective of his daughter

Do you have any reason to believe that you need to protect your daughter from this woman?

It’s rather extreme to not allow her to see photos, or to buy things... I mean, I understand your reasons for not wanting the cot mobile and there’s no reason that you need to use any of the things she’s bought, just say thank you and don’t use them, or put her in the jacket once to keep the peace if you want.

Sounds like she knows it will be difficult for you all to accept her as she's your mums new partner and she is same sex.

It's maybe her way of wanting to be accepted op.

How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

Did your mum sit all of you down and be open about her new relationship?

I just don't like the idea of someone I've never met buying things for my baby. Obviously when and if it becomes a more evolved relationship, and one where I've met her and am comfortable with her then it's different.

This was always going to a 'treading on ice thread' I just wanted opinions and obviously don't mean to offend anyone so apologies if I have.

Regarding the photos things, again its not something we plan to do on social media etc so sharing with some I won't know, or will barely know by that point is just uncomfortable to me.

@Trashtara nothing to do with my mum being gay, she came out publicly and confirmed it. She was in a secret relationship for years which I knew about, but she never confirmed it.

You talk about being protective. You're protective, your partner is "obviously protective of his daughter" what do you mean? What do you feel you need to protect her from?

Protect means shield from harm. What harm do you fear?

Re the gifts. Getting the stuff you need for a baby can be costly. If someone wants to buy you something my advice is accept with grateful thanks! It's just stuff and it will save you some money. There doesn't have to be an emotional or protective element to a cot or a mattress or a baby gro that's going to be stained green and yellow from those frankly baffling poonamis! It's just stuff you need and money you don't have to spend.

I’m not entirely sure why it bothers you quite so much and why is your partner annoyed? What’s he wanting to protect his daughter from?
It’s a bit odd considering she hasn’t met you but I would imagine she’s just trying to be nice and get off to a good start. I would just accept the gifts graciously and if you don’t want to use them or have them already just put them aside.
Also when I had my first baby loads of my mums friends who I’d either not met or met in padding sent gifts as people like to give gifts.

Sounds like she’s just trying hard so you accept her. None of those are massive items. Wait until you’ve met her before saying anything. Don’t cause ripples where you don’t need to just yet.

It sounds to me that she's just trying to be nice.

If your baby isn't due until December maybe you should try to meet her at least so things don't seem as weird?

Don't really see what harm seeing a photo of the baby will do. I mean isn't it likely that your mother will have pictures of her grandchild framed and up in the house? And when she's over and she'd see them anyway...

If you don't want to accept this person you don't have to. Many people decide not to accept a parents new partner. It's up to them. But they are just trying to be friendly and kind so I certainly don't think it's weird buying things for a baby even though she has not met you yet.

When I was pregnant I didn’t let anyone buy anything as I was paranoid that something would happen and I’d end up with no baby and a load of baby stuff.
Ask your mum to keep it at hers until baby is born, then you’ll be too happy and knackered to care.

I get where you are coming from OP, any new partner of your mum, whether male or female, being this full on so soon and before you have a relationship would be weird and quite a bit to process, especially if your mum has either recently split from Dad or if she's been single a long time?

I think the buying clothes etc is probably a way for them to try and build a relationship in what could be a difficult adjustment period.

My mum was often quite full on like this with her new partners in a bid to make us like them, but it sort of scared me off more. I'd prefer to meet them and get to know them than feel like I was being bought off?

You'll get loads of gifts from people you don't really know and loads of duplicates when the baby is born, so the gifts part isn't really an issue. Charities and refuges are full of the stuff with tags still on.

As other PP have suggested, might be worth setting up a meet with this new partner somewhere neutral so you can start to get to know them.