To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

I’d also be a bit uncomfortable with a new girlfriend or boyfriend buying things for my baby. It’s sort of grandparental in a way which I’d find slightly too much if I’d never met that person and they’d only been with my mother or father for a couple of months. It would suggest to me that person is trying to rush the relationship and I’d feel they were pushing themselves onto me and my baby.

None of that has anything to do with gender or sexuality. Based on past experiences, new partners of my parents who rushed this fast actually WERE pushy and were a pain in the ass, trying to control family activities and insert themselves into some sort of really familiar position really fast.

I actually think your mother is being unreasonable if she’s aware of or encouraging this from a short mostly on the phone relationship. Her sexuality is irrelevant, you don’t force new relationships onto your kids or grandkids before you’ve had a chance to settle in and truly get to know them in my view.

I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I totally get it can be awkward/weird/sad etc when meeting a parent's new partner. But is this really something to be concerned about? What do you think - that she got together with your mum just to muscle in on your child? That your unborn dc is so exciting to her she can't wait to get her hands on pictures and show everyone she knows?

Its probably the opposite - she is quite bored of all the baby talk. Or she doesn't really care either way, but is happy for your mum.

Of course your mum hopes she will get on with the family. If they stay together she will be kind of like a gran to your dc. Just like your siblings partners are uncles and aunties although they aren't blood related.

If you don't like the stuff, just toss it, give it away, regift it or sell it.

It sounds like she is trying to make an effort and your at risk of pushing that away through being way too over protective and over thinking things.

Make an effort to get to know her, she obviously means a lot to your Mum and you need to accept that and accept her as your Mums partner. To ban sharing photos with her will risk putting your Mum in a really awkward position which will risk relationships all arojnd.

I'm a little confused by your timelines - you say your mum 'recently' came out as gay but has a ex-partner of 10 years who's a woman?

TBH if she's been out for over a decade, you probably need to get over worrying about that aspect of it (which you clearly are, or you wouldn't mention it).

If she's actually recently come out, I understand a bit more why you might be wondering how your little brother is reacting, but I'd separate that from how you feel about your little family. Also, if your mum has just come out, I'd consider that this 'new' relationship may be a bit more established than she's letting on - it wouldn't be uncommon for any couple to wait a bit before coming out to family.

You're overreacting.

I would probably feel the same as you OP. It’s obviously come as a bit of a shock and changes take time to adjust to. It’s normal so don’t feel ashamed. The gift buying is likely her way of trying to make a good first impression and come across as wanting to be part of the family which is nice that she is making the effort. She may be taking your mums lead who could have encouraged it. I’d speak to your mum and tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable and you’d like to buy your babies things in future, but that you are grateful for the gifts she sent already. When you meet her this might seem like nothing, but I completely see why it would feel overbearing as she is a stranger and you have no idea how this will pan out yet. Check on your brother and get to know the partner before baby arrives.

You are being very PFB

I agree with this, and I'm not usually one to throw out this accusation.

I understand what people are saying about not liking people to buy large items for their baby as it's not to their taste, but why would you specifically feel strongly about not liking the idea of someone you don't know well buying things for your baby? There doesn't need to be a poetic meaning behind every item that touches your child, this does come across as quite precious.

Similarly, whilst I totally get parents not wanting people to share photos of their child on social media, it is very overzealous to say they can't even show someone a photo. It really doesn't need to be such a big deal for someone to simply look upon your child, many people will.

What's your logic behind the "she will never be gran comment"? My mum's mum was remarried and I cannot stress enough how much it did not matter to me that her husband wasn't my biological granddad. This is not an issue that needs to be passed on to younger generations.

Can your mum show others photos of your baby like any other proud grandmother? Is it just her girlfriend you're "protecting" her from?

Sone people go weirdly OTT when a baby is born. When DN was born DB and SIL received a present in the post from Jane and John. Absolutely zero idea who these people were...they eventually asked DM if she knew and it was her husband's adult stepdaughter from his brief second marriage and her partner ....none of us had met them or even knew they existed! Kind of nice but also weird.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I told every one I didn't want any photos of my son on social media, and then SMIL who had been in the family 5 minutes was sharing photos, buying gifts and being a huge boundary stomper.

It doesn't matter whether my boundaries or your boundaries seem silly. It's your child and you have your reasons. So if someone is crossing those boundaries it's going to make you feel uncomfortable.

My reasons were that I didn't want my dad's side of the family to know. They're huge social media stalkers and I hadn't had any in person contact with them since I were 5 for other reasons.

Also she was a huge belly toucher and I am a huge "don't touch me" person and she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Also in my experience these people don't consider what is safe and what is not. Just what is cute. So you end up with loads of things that you think " wow that's a SIDS risk" and you put away and never see again.

I think it’s a really big adjustment when a parent meets a new partner who is obviously significant or looks like it might be a serious relationship. Of course you’re on guard and I’m sure she knows it. Who could blame you for being concerned about your siblings or even feeling your relationship with your mother will be diluted by this new person at a time when we often need our DMs (expecting a baby).

Therefore I think it would be a good idea to meet her as soon as you can. You’ll get a better sense of her then. Her gift giving sounds like she’s probably trying to connect and I imagine in her position it is very difficult to hit the right note. She might be really nervous about meeting you. Perhaps meet her with an open mind? She may well become a part of your lives and maybe five years down the line a big positive influence in your daughter’s and your life - who knows?

Right now I think I’d try and get to know her a bit. If you meet her you can also say “thank you for the gifts but we now have more stuff than we can manage so no more” or some other polite excuse. I’m sure she’s not expecting to have the same relationship with your child as your mother does. So don’t talk to your mother until you’ve got a better sense of the woman.

My mum's mum was remarried

This isn’t a marriage though is it? It’s a 2/3 month relationship. Very early days.

Actually I get where OP is coming from. My mother had an affair with a women And yes there is an element of ‘accepting’ ( whether it’s right or wrong) My younger brother acted as if was totally fine - he was 11 at the time but has since told me that he thought it was weird and confusing.

This is a seismic life change for him too. For everybody.

ineedamiracle2020 unconsciously your probably still not 100% there I’m accepting your mums gay. I never did to be honest. My mother went back to men a year later. But I think that’s why your having trouble in accepting gifts even more so.

When there has been a large life change the ripples from it can still last quite a while. And I’d be a bit uncomfortable accepting gifts of a complete stranger too.

I’d say to your mum that your great full for the gifts but can she stop till you’ve actually met her.

Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do, your still processing a lot of stuff

I wouldn’t be too worried if you are in Scotland and she is in the south of England. She’s not exactly going to be overbearing if you live hundreds of miles away.

Presumably you know she’s buying things as your mum is telling you? Can’t you say, it’s very kind of her but it’s a bit much.

Then just leave it. It’s not a big deal as it doesn’t sound like you will see them very often anyway.

Is this a whole thread about being annoyed about receiving presents? I'm 20 weeks pregnant, and I'm looking forward to being showered with gifts. Send them to me if you don't want them

To me it just seems like a clumsy way of trying to build a relationship and show that she's interested in getting to know your mums family. I'm not seeing any malice or anything untoward in it, it's just a bit clumsy and awkward as you haven't met yet.

Thank her for the gifts so far - you don't even have to use them so it's not a big deal. Be firm and ask for nothing else to be bought as you're drowning under gifts people have bought already! I'd also let them know that certain milestone gifts you'd like to buy yourself as it's your daughter.

The woman is trying and so is your mum. Be nice and try to make an effort too. If your mum has been keeping relationships with women a secret for years then she deserves to be a bit OTT and proud of being out in the open now. I appreciate it takes some getting used to for the people around her, but it's not about you (in a nice way).

Recently come out as gay but ex partner of 10 years a she .
A typo ?

@Bazoo23

Can your mum show others photos of your baby like any other proud grandmother? Is it just her girlfriend you're "protecting" her from?

It's not showing pictures it's sending them, she will of course be meeting baby at some point if the relationship continues once I've met and have got to know her

Sounds like they are in love. Maybe the gf desperately wants to be a part of your mum’s family and the gift buying is her way of asking you to accept her, not as a grandma but as somebody who wants to be part of your life. Clearly you’re important to your mum, along with the baby, why wouldn’t someone who loves your mum try to support those relationships?

I think buying a few baby clothes, keepsake box, mobile, milestone cards etc is a lovely gesture and not at all creepy. Maybe your mum even encouraged her to get them?
Does gf have her own grandchildren?

IME lots of distant aunts, cousins, partners of family you haven’t met etc go a bit overboard with the gifts when a new baby is coming. We had gifts sent from all over the world, from DH’s distant relatives, and it never occurred to me to think it odd. People get excited about babies! Even our neighbour, who we had never met, spent months knitting hats and jumpers when she noticed I was pregnant!

I’d try to meet this lady and get to know her. Don’t push her away on the basis you ‘need more time’ before you can meet her. Start now! She may be pushy and overbearing but she might be lovely and kind and just want to make people happy. It does sound like she adores your mum and perhaps the gifts are less about you/her and more about her trying to please your mum by getting involved.

You don’t have to treat her as an extra grandma... but you do have to accept your mum now has a partner. You can’t stop her sharing her joy at becoming a grandma with her gf even if you don’t like the gf.

To say no more gifts would be very rude! Better to thank her graciously unless you want to cause a rift. It’s not as if the gifts can’t be hidden away in a drawer or cupboard then passed on when baby is too old for them.

I can't really see the massive problem to be honest OP sorry. I'm also pregnant and due a short time after you (early 2021). I maybe wouldn't want the large baby items being bought by strangers but this doesn't seem to be anything massive. Just gift it to someone else if you don't want them, I don't see why this is something for your and your partner to be 'obviously protective' over your daughter for. Protected from what? Her Gran's new partner buying her some gifts?

Regarding the photos things, again its not something we plan to do on social media etc so sharing with some I won't know, or will barely know by that point is just uncomfortable to me

Are you really expecting your mum never to show her partner pictures of her grandchild? Your mum will be excited, I know mine is! She'd be shouting it from the rooftops if possible and letting the whole town know she's going to be a grandma if she could. I imagine when my child is born her colleagues and friends I don't really know will be seeing a few photos and probably get soon fed up of her going on about it. It's an exciting time for your mum, I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect her to never show her partner a picture on her phone of your child 'oh look at this picture or X, isn't it cute' etc... Would you feel the same if she showed a picture to a friend of hers that you didn't know? Because I'm sure she probably will want to show her friends pictures of her new grandchild.

This to me seems much more about just not really being ready to accept a new partner of your mum's rather than her actually having done anything wrong and trying to pick faults so you can justify not wanting to accept her.

I don’t understand but I am trying to. Trying to work out how being protective of your unborn baby translates to not wanting someone (who I think is probably just trying to be nice) giving you gifts, and also how it translates to banning your mum from showing her girlfriend photos of her new grandchild?

A new baby is a joyful time for people. Honestly, I got random presents from my parents friends /others that I had never met. Because they just wanted to share/celebrate that joy. Don’t over think it. Arrange to meet her when you can, allow your mum to at least show her photos from her own phone. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.

I get you, OP.

Strangers buying gifts for your unborn baby is not endearing - it's pressurising you into accepting them / being grateful. Especially the volume of them - very very strange.

Your mum needs to tell her new new partner to take it slowly.

Honestly, it's a photo of a baby. No one apart from family are really that bothered. She will likely say how lovely the baby is, congratulate your mum and move on with her life.

@AnneKipanki

Recently come out as gay but ex partner of 10 years a she . A typo ?

She's only recently came out and said she's gay to myself and my brothers and sisters ( apart from 1 who knew she was in a relationship with her friend as of last year) I always knew, she just didn't tell us. It's new to my younger siblings and anyone out with the family. This friend was in our lives for over 10 years, not sure exactly how much of that was romantic

It’s strange that she’s buying things for your baby when she doesn’t know you. I think most people would be able to work out that it would come across as a bit unusual. It’s a very new relationship and I think your mum should wait much longer to try and involve her new partner in all your lives, especially young children.
I think more people would find it weird if your mums partner was male and was doing this.