To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

@aSofaNearYou thank you. I imagine that once she's here I won't have a care in the world. Think everything is just heightened because of the pregnancy to be honest. The things that have been bought are really cute however I'm looking forward to meeting her and building a relationship so she doesn't feel like a stranger

@vikingwife

PFB stands for “Precious First Born” syndrome.

I really doubt your mum’s GF expects or wants to be called “grandma”

Ah right! Thanks for clarifying.

I know she won't, that comment was in relation to my mum thinking her girlfriend will be at that level. Not the girlfriend thinking she will

@Leflic bull crap. I have worked in corporate environments & can’t tell you how many times have contributed to gifts for colleagues /partners babies I don’t even know.

Also how snobby to say that the only acceptable gifts from people you don’t know must be handcrafted ones & that people are only making them as an excuse to practice their hobby. So there’s no thought or well wishes behind them, just using baby as an excuse to knit or crochet? Come off it. Plenty of people get excited for a new baby and perhaps not creative, have gone out & taken the time to send a gift. It’s just a thought.

So many people complain there’s no longer a village to help raise your baby, but then we had nasty attitudes like this. It’s just people being excited, who are connected to the family.

In my culture (Italian ) this is not so abnormal. My mother would be very upset if she thought she had forgotten to send a gift, even if she barely has a connection to the couple. It’s just an older generation thing.

Honestly there are people who have no friends or family who would love a gift. Donate them, but to complain about gifts? Such a first world problem. To complain not handmade or organic? Perhaps that’s a class problem.

On the flipside, I think it is child like to assume someone has an ulterior motive behind giving someone a gift. I would also consider it child like to be so ungrateful about gifts that you would expect them and demand they come at a certain time.

Not at all, as a parent you should always consider who is buying your child gifts and why.

Babies send some women into over drive, I understand, but it's very presumptuous of the new partner - she doesn't even know the style of things that new mum might like - or more usefully need.

And as for your last comment. Pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby. How naive and insensitive you are saying it's ungrateful and demanding.

Why are you complaining that she’s making an effort. Be thankful she is a kind woman and is being thoughtful. It sounds like the issue is that she has a girlfriend but you don’t want to say so.

@Coldspringharbour

Why are you complaining that she’s making an effort. Be thankful she is a kind woman and is being thoughtful. It sounds like the issue is that she has a girlfriend but you don’t want to say so.

Please read the thread for full information. I've made it abundantly clear that I have no issues with my mum being gay 🤣

I don’t really see the issue, yes it’s a little bit odd as she hasn’t met you, maybe you should meet her?

You say you don’t have a issue with your mum being gay but then you say she doesn’t realise your still trying to get your head around the idea? So you don’t really except it? I would suggest meeting her, maybe seeing your mum happy will help? Just except the gifts but maybe politely say that she doesn’t need to keep buying things.

My main worry is upsetting my mum
Your mum isn't arsed about her children's feelings though is she?
She's been keeping the truth of her sexuality from all of you whilst having her ex-partner in your lives and faces for 10 years!
Even now she isn't putting her children first - the latest shag piece has that privilege.
Your mum doesn't seem to give two shits about how her own children are handling her 'news' about coming out - i mean is she lesbian or bisexual?
She doesn't give a shit for the impact it's bound to have on them emotionally and mentally......yet she's forcing this 'partner' of hers into you all.

She's allowing this stranger - who even she doesn't truly know - to manipulate her way into her grandchild life as well!
It's irrelevant whether she's homo or heterosexual.....but let's just pretend for a moment that this 'partner' was male....the fact is that this person IS a complete fucking stranger and you're infatuated mum is giving them information and pictures of her children and now yours too......
Tell me truthfully - how many of you women would feel comfortable with a man you've never met inserting himself into your lives like this?

Behaving with a familiarity they don't have and trying to create a dynamic/relationship they expect you to go along with?

If it was a man i'm sure the alarm bells would be ringing and the term 'grooming' would be on top of the list.
Just because the 'partner' is a woman doesn't make this any different - look at all the female abusers and paedophiles we've had in the news...and that's just the tip of the ice berg.

OP, it's a shame that you've been pushed into a pseudo-parental role when it comes to caring about your siblings.
It shows just how self absorbed and selfish your mother really is.
You do NOT need to accept this strangers presents......and you have every right to insist that your mother NOT share info and pics of YOUR children/family with this stranger.

And if your mum does end up in a long term relationship with this woman I don’t see the issue with your dd having 2 grandmothers.

PFB is the batshittery of Precious First Baby syndrome, when the first time mum is under the misapprehension she's carrying the Messiah. Typically hypervigilant, and a bit up her own fundament.

It happens to loads of us - god knows I had it and am embarrassed in retrospect. Once you know it exists it's an awful lot easier to recover from it ;)

OP, I did read your previous posts but couldn't make head nor tail of what your DP thinbks he's "protecting" anyone from. If you're bothered about digital images of your child being emailed/shared with people by your Mum (or other family), there's an easy solution: go analogue. Have them printed and post them to her.

@JBizz

Why on earth does this bother you so much?

I got loads of gifts from my nans knitting circle when I had my first. I had never met these people but it was a lovely gesture.

Her being gay clearly is the issue, as otherwise why would you or your partner need to 'protect' your unborn baby from gifts?

You're either bigoted, crazy or both.

READ. THE. THREAD. Don't know how many times I have to say the same thing. holy Jesus 🤦🏼‍♀️ anyone who comments after they clearly haven't read the ENTIRE thread is stupid. How dare you call me bigoted 🤣 idiot.

@JBizz

Why on earth does this bother you so much?

I got loads of gifts from my nans knitting circle when I had my first. I had never met these people but it was a lovely gesture.

Her being gay clearly is the issue, as otherwise why would you or your partner need to 'protect' your unborn baby from gifts?

You're either bigoted, crazy or both.

She has explained multiple times that her mother being gay doesn't bother her. But rather that her mothers girlfriend is being too pushy and it's incredibly hard having your first child when everyone is pouncing on you and bombarding you with shite.

Ah also remembered my dads whole work team got us presents... never met any of them!

knitting circles/work colleagues etc is completely different!

THIS is a STRANGER who is involved in a romantic relationship with OP's mum who is doing this!
Safeguarding your children is more important than appeasing adults!

YABU. And your mum being gay clearly IS the issue, which you are pushing on to this poor woman you haven't even met who is trying to do something nice

I agree with this.

How would you feel if you came out as gay as your mother felt this way about your partner.

The woman has done nothing but buy you a few gifts. As PP’s have said, I received many gifts from people I didn’t know when I had my first child - work colleagues, knitted outfits from a friend’s aunt, acquaintances of my parents. It’s really not a big deal, if you don’t want them, donate them.

As for your mum not being able to show her partner pictures of your baby - outrageous!

You clearly have a problem with your mum being gay. You are an adult and should be supportive, not reacting like this.

The talk about you and DH “protecting” your child is, quite frankly, shocking.

You might not see yourself as homophobic, but your posts suggest otherwise...

Can I ask why you haven't met her?

I don't think what's happening is odd. My take on things is that she is trying to extend kindness to you in the hope it will help you welcome her into your family. It could also actually be that your mum is pushing this on the quiet as she thinks it might help her gf be welcomed.

Coming out as being gay is exceptionally difficult when someone has a family created through a heterosexual relationship. To all people, your mum has probably presented herself as straight all her life until now. There is a huge amount of prejudice against people who do this as many cannot understand it so won't really support it.

Your mum and her gf have already undoubtedly gone through a lot to get to this. She is so very right to be happy and proud of her relationship.

She is likely concerned that her children dont cast her out or feel like she doesnt love them.

I understand this is hard for you to accept right now but you do seem to have an issue with this based on your post (although you say you dont).

You cannot ban someone from showing photos to their partner. I'm confused as to why you think gf should not be allowed to see these photos in the first place? And surely by December you will have met your mums gf?

I'm sorry to say that you are coming across as being very difficult about this when your mum needs your support right now.

@monkeymonkey2010

knitting circles/work colleagues etc is completely different!

THIS is a STRANGER who is involved in a romantic relationship with OP's mum who is doing this!
Safeguarding your children is more important than appeasing adults!

What is it this STRANGER is actually doing? Sending a few gifts? The OP isn’t being pressured to leave her baby with the STRANGER. Where is the safeguarding issue?

my parter is annoyed by it also as he's obviously protective of his daughter too! I'm so conflicted as I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings!
It’s a tad weird she’s doing this but I don’t get why you both feel you have to “protect” your daughter from anything ?
It’s just presents , she’s not trying to steal her away

You can't control gift buying or photo sharing. So any attempts to try will make you seem as though you're unfairly singling out your DM's gf.
You also need to think about your language and your DP's - it's not usual to think you need to 'protect' your baby DD from someone unless you have reason to believe that person will harm them in some way. If neither you nor your DP are homophobic then you need to think a bit more deeply about why a lot of your actions have that undercurrent.
Fwiw I don't think any of this is about your DM's new partner because you don't know her. I think it's about you punishing your DM. I'm just not sure what you're punishing her for - being gay? being bi? bringing her new DP into the family? the way she mistreated her old 'friend' that you're determined will remain in your life? None of this is about presents and photos but until you're honest with yourself about what's really causing all this angst, you're not going to be able to resolve it.

@Vivi0

YABU. And your mum being gay clearly IS the issue, which you are pushing on to this poor woman you haven't even met who is trying to do something nice

I agree with this.

How would you feel if you came out as gay as your mother felt this way about your partner.

The woman has done nothing but buy you a few gifts. As PP’s have said, I received many gifts from people I didn’t know when I had my first child - work colleagues, knitted outfits from a friend’s aunt, acquaintances of my parents. It’s really not a big deal, if you don’t want them, donate them.

As for your mum not being able to show her partner pictures of your baby - outrageous!

You clearly have a problem with your mum being gay. You are an adult and should be supportive, not reacting like this.

The talk about you and DH “protecting” your child is, quite frankly, shocking.

You might not see yourself as homophobic, but your posts suggest otherwise...

Bore off and read the thread. Sending pictures is the issue. Showing them as I've said MULTIPLE TIMES is fine

We're not concerned about protecting her from this one person in particular that's ridiculous.. it's strangers in general. Stranger danger is real.

@Frankola

Can I ask why you haven't met her?

I don't think what's happening is odd. My take on things is that she is trying to extend kindness to you in the hope it will help you welcome her into your family. It could also actually be that your mum is pushing this on the quiet as she thinks it might help her gf be welcomed.

Coming out as being gay is exceptionally difficult when someone has a family created through a heterosexual relationship. To all people, your mum has probably presented herself as straight all her life until now. There is a huge amount of prejudice against people who do this as many cannot understand it so won't really support it.

Your mum and her gf have already undoubtedly gone through a lot to get to this. She is so very right to be happy and proud of her relationship.

She is likely concerned that her children dont cast her out or feel like she doesnt love them.

I understand this is hard for you to accept right now but you do seem to have an issue with this based on your post (although you say you dont).

You cannot ban someone from showing photos to their partner. I'm confused as to why you think gf should not be allowed to see these photos in the first place? And surely by December you will have met your mums gf?

I'm sorry to say that you are coming across as being very difficult about this when your mum needs your support right now.

They've only been seeing a couple of months and they live in two different countries. Not had a great handful of opportunities to meet her unfortunately

@monkeymonkey2010 you sound batshit & completely deranged.

For starters, you can’t “groom” a child that hasn’t even been born yet. This isn’t a man sending gifts, because men don’t give a shit about having babies & buying presents the way women do. Your suggestion this lady is somehow a potential pedophile is quite frankly, alarming. She isn’t even in the same country, what kind of grooming is this?

Her new “shag piece” ? This woman was apparently in a relationship for 10 years & that ended, now she is in a new relationship. Hardly shagging around and that’s just a disrespectful thing to say. It sounds like they are serious about each other. Pretty derogatory language & frankly unnecessary.

When you date people it is normal to share information & photos of family. I have been on dates with fathers & topic of kids has come up, they tell me about their kids, share a photo...This is just natural conversation.

The mother is under no obligation to advise her children whether she is bisexual or fully gay. That is her private business - for gods sake, coming out can’t have been easy for her if she hid it so long. I would hate to have you as my family member & have to come out to you with all judgemental (and ignorant) attitude that’s for sure !

Your aggression is so over the top & maybe you are projecting your own issues into this thread where they don’t belong, because you have made some really nasty assumptions about this lady.

Acting like she is masturbating over photos of swaddled infants...pretty sure pedos are crafty enough to get better masturbatory material than your average newborn pic... oh baby isn’t even here & she has been labelled a pedophile! Seriously, get a bloody grip lady.

Stranger danger is real
Absolutely OP - and don't allow the opinions of OTHERS gaslight, manipulate or confuse you where the wellbeing of YOUR children is concerned.

If you'd said your mum was with a man.....i think we all know the responses would be very different......

@ineedamiracle2020 ah so you're just crazy. Thanks for the clarification