To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

I think it's weird that she's doing this and if she were male people would be saying it's creepy! Tell your mum to tell her it's not appropriate. It reads like she's trying to play the grandma role already.

I think she’s trying hard to be friendly and that’s a good thing, and actually quite sweet of her. In your view she’s being a bit over-the-top too quickly?

You’re allowed to feel like that but I really don’t think that you should say anything. It’s not a big deal and it’s not doing you or your baby any harm.

I know pregnancy Is an emotional time but I think you need to take a step back and think about what your mum might be going through. She's taken a huge step that cannot have been easy at her stage of life, her partner could be in the same boat.

It must all be a bit daunting for them both right now and I really don't think you are okay with things.

People buy gifts for babies they don't know all the time. This year alone I have bought baby gifts for the window cleaners first grandchild and the new born daughter of the guy who cuts my grass.

I had lots of random gifts when my babies were born.

“Tell her it’s ok, we have enough baby stuff now, thanks so much though.”

Perhaps she’s trying to make a good impression, wants the relationship to be accepted etc. I would assume it’s this and nothing more. If they seem to think the new GF will automatically be like another gran then cross that bridge when you come to it.

Of course you have to accept your mums new partner will be in your lives. Being a lesbian is normal, she shouldn’t have to tiptoe around with her new relationship any more than she would if it was a man.

Tbh yes I do think you need to work towards accepting it. I don't know how old you are but presumably you are an adult as you are pregnant, and personally I don't think there's any justification for adults being upset by other people's relationships. You should have the maturity to know it's nothing to do with you and be happy for them. Did she leave your dad to be with this woman? If not, and there are no hurt feelings then in all honesty I think you are being childish and unkind.

I could understand if you were solely concerned about your 11 year old brother and that the introduction to him hasn't been handled well, but your tone and use of words like "she will never be gran" makes it sound like it is something more than that. Tbh those words alone make you sound like the unreasonable one in the situation, why does this woman offend you so much that you feel the need to draw this dividing line so early on?

You sound quite generally defensive of your child (my mum has probably shown loads of people she knows less well a photo of my daughter, I get why you wouldn't want them posted anywhere but just showing someone is a non event, and your daughter doesn't need "protecting" from unwanted gifts, only your storage does).

There's nothing wrong with saying you've got everything you need and it's starting to get a bit cramped so could she not get you anything else. But I think your reasons are very unwelcoming and overly offended by your mother's choice of partner.

“Protective of his daughter”? Wtf? Do you think this woman is trying to buy your baby, or something? Maybe steal her?

YABU. The poor woman is probably trying to be kind. Ask your mum if you can meet her (neutral ground, like a coffee shop maybe).

I don't think it's creepy...? Why creepy? What do people think she is going to do to the baby? By her a mobile 😱😱😱😱😱😱? The horror!

OP, my dad has a newish partner who I'm not keen on, for my own, quite reasonable reasons. I doubt she will meet my dcs any time soon, or maybe ever. They live a flight away, so it's easy enough to avoid.

It's fine not to want her heavily involved in your DC's life, but she is heavily involved in your mum's life, so be prepared for things to be a little different to how you may have imagined if you don't want her to meet your DC (fair enough) but you want your mum to babysit or whatever.

I do think lots of presents are a bit much for a baby who has never been born but I also think yours and your DH's outrage are a bit batshit tbh. If someone had done this when I was pregnant I might have thought "nice, but maybe a bit weird, but it comes from a good place". It does not mean she has evil designs on your baby. She is awkwardly trying to be nice, I would assume, unless there was evidence to the contrary.

Buying someone gifts is a thoughtful gesture and she has made an effort to make this friendly first step towards having a positive relationship with your mum's family. I can see it might make you feel slightly awkward, but to respond in a negative way by asking for no more gifts would cast a negative cloud over any future encounters you have with your mum's partner. The right thing to do is just to accept the gifts and express thanks (you can secretly donate them to the charity shop if you don't want to keep them)

Do you think that maybe they haven’t been in a relationship for a few months, could it have been a lot longer than that?
Even if she hasn’t met you, your mum is probably super excited about her new grandchild and so the GF is probably just being nice and supportive. Also some people just love buying presents, particularly for babies!

I think YANBU, my aunt is in a new relationship after my uncle passed away a year ago. Whilst I’m happy for her and glad she has found someone he is constantly buying things for family members and trying to muscle in to pay for stuff and it makes me quite uncomfortable, it’s like he’s trying to ‘buy’ the family and make us ‘owe’ him. He seems a shady character anyway and to be honest a bit of a cocklodger who has swooped in while my aunt was grieving and vulnerable.
I’ll give an example; I was chatting online with my aunt about school uniform and what my kids need for September, just general chit chat and the best places to shop. A couple of hours later I get a message on FB from the new partner telling me he’d love to give me £50 towards the children’s uniforms and anything else they might need. I’ve met him exactly once. I politely declined and thanked him but it made me really uncomfortable, he’s also been badgering my dear nan to do DIY around her house for her which she’s said no to. He’s been with my aunt 6 months and has his feet firmly under the table already. I don’t know what the situation is with your mum and her partner, it might be completely different but I do understand your uncomfortable feelings.

I think YANBU to want to get to know her before letting her be more involved with baby but YABU to ask her not to give you gifts. You’ll just be pushing her and your mum away. With my first baby I got given loads of stuff from people I barely knew, and even the people I did know often gave tat that I didn’t want (ex’s aunt who worked in a charity shop brought round a huge bag of all the baby clothes that they hadn’t been able to sell, let’s just say it was obvious why no one had bought them!) you just politely accept and thank them then quietly donate to a charity shop or pass on to someone else or hide it in a cupboard and only bring it out when the person who gave it to you visits.

As PPs have said if you have a baby people you don't know directly will give you gifts and baby things. Some people who you don't have a strong relationship or even any relationship with and never will, will give you a lot so while it seems wierd you need to just say "Thank you" .

In regards to cot mobiles as soon as the baby can move you take them down - they actually say that on the instructions - so while people like gifting them they are a waste of money to buy yourself. (Though my LO's cot mobile was given to a much older child who wanted it.)

I think she's trying to do something nice. Don't think of her as a negative in your life - she might be kind and thoughtful and be a really good person for your mum and brother and your baby. Until you know her, you should try to not think of her as someone your baby needs protection from. I think she's probably nervous and trying to do something she thinks you will like. Important I think, not to blame her for decisions your mum makes.

At the same time, you're not obliged to use the mobile if you think it's unsafe (it's probably fine though, since a newborn won't be able to reach or touch it and you can just move it later). I had quite a few things bought for my DC which weren't to my taste and I just thanked the person and then didn't use them. It's about the gesture, rather than the gift itself. Accept them with good grace - it's not like she's bought a pram or set up a nursery at her house!

I think you need to talk to your mum about needing time to adjust. When my ILs divorced, mil pretty much forced her new fella on us and I didn't like it at all. He wasn't family and yet wherever she went, he went. So I think that while you ought to meet the new dp, it's important to be clear with your mum that you still want an independent relationship with her and you want things to move slowly. For your little brother too. If she's a decent mum then she will respect that and understand your concerns for your brother.

The thing that always strikes me when I read about people having large baby gifts being given without consultation is that their taste is being imposed on you.

Most people get that and wouldn't dream of doing it.

Anything other than clothes should be done in consultation with the mother to be.

A basic courtesy IMO.

Dear OP,
I totally agree with you, that your DM new partner is trying to be nice and have you accept her. The relation is still fairly new so maybe your MUM wants to give it some more time before she introduces you.
Totally understand your point though, getting presents from someone you don't know can be a bit disconcerting.

It sounds like she's trying a bit too hard to be liked. Why haven't you met her yet? Why do you think your baby needs protection from her specifically?

December is a few months away and a lot can change in that time.

What sort of things is she buying ? Is she buying wool to knit or crochet ? Projects like that can take a while to do .
It is nice that she is thinking of you . I think if she bought nothing and did not acknowledge you it would be more upsetting .

Perhaps you need some counselling to cope with the family changes. Perhaps your brother is dealing with it a lot better than you .
Does your Mum and her GF live together ? Does your brother live with them ?

I’m with you. It’s inappropriate and like she’s trying to buy her way into the family. You don’t know how long this relationship will last as it’s fairly new so it’s important that she behaves in a boundaried way around your child. Ie not being equal to granny as at any point the relationship could end it would be traumatic for them to “lose granny”.

As for your 11 year old brother, if this was a new man people would be going in all guns blazing for your mother saying introductions should be made gradually over a long period and the children’s safety and emotional health should come first before any relationship.

You are right to be cautious and to take it slowly. You don’t know this woman. You don’t know how long she will be in you or your child’s life. She’s buying gifts without knowing you. I’d feel she was trying to buy her way into my unborn child’s life and that’s weird!

Yeah I understand where you're all coming from, Im of course going accept these as gifts and ask to meet her when she's next here visiting. My main worry is upsetting my mum, and having a relationship where I'm comfortable enough to allow this new person into my babies life. My baby will have a relationship with her ex partner though as she was in our lives for 10+ years.

Re the photos, she lives in southern England and were in Scotland so it is (at the moment) a mostly over the phone relationship, and because I will likely not get the chance to get to know her well due to the distance I'm not comfortable with photos being sent. This is just a personal stance!

In terms of me 'accepting it' I never meant her new relationship although I understand it was written that way, it was more accept the current situation (ie buying things) I'm very accepting of my mum and will always be on her side, she knows this- sorry this isn't coming across to a few of you. It's so hard to show the person you are over a post totally understand why some of you may think I'm horrible for the contents.

I do think you're being a little bit OTT about the gifts.

Where babies are concerned people just try to be kind on the whole.
My in laws have recently had a baby and a swarm of gifts came in from all sorts of strangers, many of whom will never even meet the baby.

Knitted blankets from neighbours and outfits from colleagues of the grandparents for example.

If she's buying the baby knives or weird age inappropriate things then I could see the issue, but at the moment it seems like this is a deeper issue that you have. She's likely buying the baby things to be nice, not as some grandma-esque claim over her.

I understand that pregnancy emotions can run high, but this isn't protecting your baby. This is using your baby as an excuse to justify your own feelings.

I agree OP it does sound pushy when you haven’t met her yet. I mean one gift maybe, but that’s a lot. Imagine what will be coming your way in December when the baby is born!

At the end of the day you’re not feeling good about it so it’s not having the desired effect.

How come she’s buying separately from your mum? I’d have thought they would buy gifts together as a couple.

I just don't like the idea of someone I've never met buying things for my baby.

Get used to it, I had my colleagues neighbours aunty buying stuff for my kids. People like babies and like to buy things for babies. You are being very PFB.

@Queenest

I agree OP it does sound pushy when you haven’t met her yet. I mean one gift maybe, but that’s a lot. Imagine what will be coming your way in December when the baby is born!

At the end of the day you’re not feeling good about it so it’s not having the desired effect.

How come she’s buying separately from your mum? I’d have thought they would buy gifts together as a couple.

To be honest, it could totally be my mums way of trying to build myself a relationship with her. This could all be influenced from her thinking I won't mind. I didn't even think of that. Thank you!

I think it's more to do with her relationship with your mum than you. It's your mum she's trying to impress.

AAand....FWIW when I had my kids all sorts of people I'd never met sent presents - friends and neighbours of my mums. People like to buy presents for babies.

I'd tell your mum that you don't want to have baby things in the house until the child arrives. I think you need to unprogramme your thinking from this is someone trying to ingratiate themselves with you and just wait and see.

A keepsake box is a pretty personal item. I wouldn’t like that from a stranger either, regardless of who they are.

Can you gently explain to your dm that her new friend, while obviously trying to be nice, is trying too hard and needs to take it down a few notches.