To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

Sounds like you are looking for unjust reasons to complain. A cot mobile isn't a danger to your baby. Your dm's gf isn't a danger to your baby.
Imo you are being a tad ungrateful of people being interested in your dc. As a teen my dm announced she had a gf. No biggy - her being happy was all that mattered.
Maybe you should be more supportive.
Maybe accept it won't just be you and dh loving your dc!

It makes no difference to me if it’s a gay or straight couple.

No, but it might make a difference to the OP's mother?

@VickyEadieofThigh

I'm sorry you found it so stressful, but I do wonder how realistic people are in their expectations of their new partner's kids.

If their mum came out & introduced you very quickly, that is a lot for them to take in, you cannot expect them to immediately be okay with it and it will probably take months rather than a few days.

However if mum came out, then kept her relationship quiet until the dust settled, and then introduced new partner once the relationship was a bit more established, that would be a much better way to do things.

You should let the blows fall by degrees. A lot of people forget what it was like to be a teenager, obviously they're going to feel embarrassed/upset/confused. It is one thing adults on an internet forum saying they would be cool and fine with it, and another one being a hormonal young person still at school who is probably worried about being teased etc.

You have to give it time, which is what OP's mum is not doing.

@Wolfgirrl

it is common in many lesbian relationships for them to progress much faster and with more intensity to a straight relationship

@Jdhshekr

If this is the case surely it is for them to be responsible and pace their relationship, not for everyone around them to fall into line and 'get used to it'?

I completely agree with you - I think it is wrong to do this, but it’s already been done and nobody can make them take it slower, in which case the only thing to do is to accept the relationship to some extent and maybe have a chat with the mum about any concerns about the relationship moving too fast. It is never ok to introduce a new partner to your young kids (thinking of the 11 year old - I’m assuming he’s been introduced to the partner), but what can anyone do if it has already been done?

Sorry - I didn’t finish a sentence there - it’s never ok to introduce a new partner to your young kids so early. Obviously you would introduce them much further down the line.

I just don't like the idea of someone I've never met buying things for my baby.

Get used to it, I had my colleagues neighbours aunty buying stuff for my kids. People like babies and like to buy things for babies. You are being very PFB.

This. You are being totally ridiculous - it's a few gifts for crying out loud.

You wouldn't be saying 'who is it hurting' if she was introducing a new boyfriend after a few months to her 11 year old  if that were the case, everyone on here would be flaming OP's mum. However everyone is supporting her & pushing OP to 'get used to it' because the partner is a female and is a) therefore seen as less threatening and b) they are desperate not to come across as homophobic, when the sexuality isnt the issue. I'm not saying anything I wouldn't say about a heterosexual relationship. But this thread would look very different if OP's mum had a new boyfriend who was being integrated into the family after a few months & buying things for OP's baby without having met her.

Tbh no I wouldn't think differently if it were a man. OP mentions she is concerned about her brother but I don't agree with the suggestion that OP should also be openly upset for herself. A thread detailing how OPs mum has been handling the situation with her underage children might go very differently, but it's entirely possible that the side of things she shows OP is not the same as the side she shows the younger children, and I don't think she should be expected to take things at a different pace to what comes naturally to spare the feelings of another adult.

Agree with @Jdhshekr. I do get the worry about the 11 year old; also agree now that it's done, it can't be changed.

@Jdhshekr

I do see what you mean in what's done is done.

It does upset me though. Within a few months of my mum & dad splitting when I was 14, both had moved their new partners in within a few months.

They couldn't see why I was unhappy with it, they were both of the mind that 'I'm happy, therefore everyone else should be too' the selfish idiots.

Anyway the partners both turned out to be awful in their own ways (ranging from physically abusive to alcoholism, financial abuse, emotional abuse, the full works!). My relationship with both of them was so damaged I havent seen my mum in years, and only occasionally speak to my dad who lives abroad.

Anyway I digress! Basically you need to take enormous care with a new partner when you have kids, it takes a long time to know them inside out.

No, but it might make a difference to the OP's mother?

OPs mum has an 11 year old and will have a new grandchild to consider.

DS got gifts from friends of my parents and grandparents who I didn’t know when I was pregnant and when he was born. People just like to buy things for babies. If you don’t like or want what is given put it to one side and donate to a baby bank or charity at a later date.

You sound very dramatic and an absolute nightmare

I thought you were going to say she had bought something big like a pram. But a cot mobile. Seriously? Give over

That's awful, @wolfgirrl, I'm so sorry.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze, sure, but who's to say she isn't considering them?

I wouldn't personally introduce an 11 year old to a new partner this soon (if it is such a new partner - remember the OP is saying she's not always been sure when her mother is in a relationship that's romantic and when she isn't, as her mother has only recently come out).

But a grandchild? There's no issue there. The baby won't notice or remember who sent presents before it was born!

@2155User

Why write something rude only to strike it out? So childish.

I can see why some people can't understand what you're saying but I can completely understand. This is my first ever baby and he means the world to me. I'm only 18 so not too long ago I was living in my mums house, she made us move into a new house nowhere near where we lived which stunk of weed and mould just so she could live with her new boyfriend. She would constantly try and replace my dad saying that her boyfriends family is closer to me than my dads is. I don't even know them. We moved in when I was about 15 stayed for 2 years and went back to my home village. By this time I was planning to move out into my boyfriends house anyways as he lived alone. She constantly was horrible to me when I moved out saying that I should only trust family and to not get comfortable because relationships don't last. As soon as I got pregnant, boom, she's the grandma her boyfriends the grandad. Buying my baby things which is ok but I personally have no interest in her boyfriend or his family as I don't like any of them and he was always passive aggressive towards me when I lived with him and my mum. Sometimes families try and push their new girlfriends and boyfriends on you and honestly it's irritating. Your mums new partner is probably just trying to be nice however sometimes it's a bit OTT. Set your boundaries as it's your baby and don't listen to what other people think. You're the mother. Good luck.

@2155User

You sound very dramatic and an absolute nightmare

I thought you were going to say she had bought something big like a pram. But a cot mobile. Seriously? Give over

🤣🤣🤣 absolute nightmare? Away haha. I can't control my immediate reservations on someone so new in my mums life buying multiple gifts for my baby. As I've mentioned, I came on here for guidance and hoping to gain a new perspective on the situation. I knew I was being unreasonable to a certain extent and as my previous post says, I'm going to accept these as gifts and meet her. If this becomes a serious relationship, then I will inevitability have a bond of some sorts with her, as will my child. Take YOUR unreasonable and unjust judgements elsewhere.

[quote Wolfgirrl]@Jdhshekr

I do see what you mean in what's done is done.

It does upset me though. Within a few months of my mum & dad splitting when I was 14, both had moved their new partners in within a few months.

They couldn't see why I was unhappy with it, they were both of the mind that 'I'm happy, therefore everyone else should be too' the selfish idiots.

Anyway the partners both turned out to be awful in their own ways (ranging from physically abusive to alcoholism, financial abuse, emotional abuse, the full works!). My relationship with both of them was so damaged I havent seen my mum in years, and only occasionally speak to my dad who lives abroad.

Anyway I digress! Basically you need to take enormous care with a new partner when you have kids, it takes a long time to know them inside out.[/quote]
I am completely with you on this. That sounds miserable and both of your parents acted very selfishly. It’s easy to feel carried away in a new relationship but when you have children you have to put them first and rein it in a bit.

However, for the purpose of this thread I’m not sure if the 11 year old has met the new partner or not as I don’t think it was clear. It they have, nothing can be done really. If they haven’t then there’s not really an issue other than for OP to maybe have a chat with her mum about any concerns. The baby won’t know any different - either this woman will still be her grandma’s partner when she’s old enough to know who people are or she won’t be on the scene any more and it won’t matter who gave what presents.

OP, you sound very dramatic and like an absolute nightmare.

Happy now @Wolfgirrl?

How does your Mum feel about you wanting to keep her ex girlfriend in such a central role in your lives? Have they parted on good terms? How long ago? Still friends?

@ineedamiracle2020

You can’t pick and choose responses and opinions that you like. Life doesn’t work that way.

Forget about your mum being gay for a moment. I think some PPs are getting hung up on that.

It is not appropriate for a parent to be involving their children in a very new relationship. You are an adult, but your 11 year old brother needs some consideration from her. I would be worried about that too.

It's also inappropriate for a parent to be sharing photographs of their children (even adult ones without their consent) with a new partner that they barely know themselves. As you have pointed out, there is a distinction between quickly showing someone a picture on your screen and actually sending images to them that they then have possession of. Not many of us would be happy with a stranger having images of our 11 year old siblings or our own children and babies. Your mum is crossing a boundary there.

I agree with you that your mum seems to be lining this woman up as "co-granny". You have every right to not want your child immediately plunged into a close personal relationship with a person you don't know. A person that your mum barely knows.

I'd be having a chat with my mum and letting her know that whilst I understand her excitement, she needs to put the brakes on when it comes to other people's involvement. She can be as head over heels as she wants on her own time, but she is not taking good care of your little brother by involving him at this stage. 2 months in, he shouldn't even know she is seeing anyone for goodness' sake. She could have told him she was gay without introducing the idea of a new partner straight away. There's every chance this won't last, like any new relationship. And I would be firmly telling her now that this woman is not a grandparent to my child, she is your (very new!) girlfriend. And that whilst I have no issue with her meeting the baby and would love to socialise with her from time to time, I won't be allowing or encouraging a grandparent-level bond with a person I don't know who may not be on the scene in a few months time. Let her know now that she needs to be building a bond with her grandchild independently of this new partner so that there are no arguments when the time comes. For example, it's not appropriate to bring a date when you are meeting your grandchild for the first time. Give her actual examples for clarity.

@bedjolly

I can see why some people can't understand what you're saying but I can completely understand. This is my first ever baby and he means the world to me. I'm only 18 so not too long ago I was living in my mums house, she made us move into a new house nowhere near where we lived which stunk of weed and mould just so she could live with her new boyfriend. She would constantly try and replace my dad saying that her boyfriends family is closer to me than my dads is. I don't even know them. We moved in when I was about 15 stayed for 2 years and went back to my home village. By this time I was planning to move out into my boyfriends house anyways as he lived alone. She constantly was horrible to me when I moved out saying that I should only trust family and to not get comfortable because relationships don't last. As soon as I got pregnant, boom, she's the grandma her boyfriends the grandad. Buying my baby things which is ok but I personally have no interest in her boyfriend or his family as I don't like any of them and he was always passive aggressive towards me when I lived with him and my mum. Sometimes families try and push their new girlfriends and boyfriends on you and honestly it's irritating. Your mums new partner is probably just trying to be nice however sometimes it's a bit OTT. Set your boundaries as it's your baby and don't listen to what other people think. You're the mother. Good luck.

Thank you x

@2155User

Extremely.

I agree that you (and your partner) sound dramatic. I recieved lots of presents from my parent's friends when DD1 was born, including handmade clothes. I barely knew any of these people, and not everything was to our taste but I was still incredibly grateful. It seems like such an odd thing to be annoyed about.

You can’t pick and choose responses and opinions that you like. Life doesn’t work that way.

Of course you can. Nobody on MN is obligated to listen to you or take your opinion on board.