To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

Is this your first baby by any chance?

@Staplemaple

Is this your first baby by any chance?

Haha can you tell, first baby through fertility treatments after 2 years of trying it it probably an over protective thing.

It sounds like she's just trying to be friendly. You'll cause far more problems by making an issue out of it and rejecting them.

Is this your first baby by any chance?

I think I’d feel the same if it was my 10th baby. This woman is a stranger and OPs mum shouldn’t be trying to involve a new partner yet.

I really don't think you need to make this an issue, pop the things aside and take to a charity shop if you really don't want. Saying something will make an issue of it, it sounds like it's a difficult time with everyone settling into the news, don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Why not see it as being lovely that your baby has so many people who care?

Realistically by the time the baby is old enough to have any idea who this lady is it will be clear if the relationship is a long term one.

It’s obvious you care about your Mum so why would you push her away like this when it has obviously been a big step for her to admit who she is to her family if she felt she needed to hide it for at least 10 years?

Thank you everyone - I'm going to ask my mum to meet her when she's next up but ask to hold off on buying gifts until then!

Speaking as one of the gays that found acceptance by some of my partner's family difficult, I can entirely understand why this woman is being nice and buying you gifts.

It's very, very stressful being the 'new gay partner in middle-aged, previously apparently heterosexual woman's life' and you do anything you can to make them like you and not call you "that lesbian witch" (which my partner's mother said of me).

Haha can you tell, first baby through fertility treatments after 2 years of trying it it probably an over protective thing.

Congratulations . You'll find people you hardly know offer you second hand baby stuff, or even people when you're walking about with a pram mention some sort of toy they've got festering away in the garage that you might want; it's okay to draw boundaries. In this case though, if you feel able maybe just say to your mum that although it's thoughtful (it is, she's probably trying to find ways to connect), it's uneccessary as you want to get to know her first when you're ready and that's more important to you than 'stuff'. Plus you want to choose things yourself. What has your mum said about it all? I can see how it seems a huge deal because youre on course for this massive life change along with your mum's new relationship etc, but I bet you'll look back and it won't be a huge deal.

I just don't like the idea of someone I've never met buying things for my baby.

I got shit loads of stuff from people I’d never met. Mums friends, dh’s relatives....

Wait until the baby is born and total randomers start shoving pound coins in the pram. Not as common now but it still happened on occasion, in many cultures it’s seen as good luck.

You are trying to control a situation that doesn't need controlling. I'm sure buying presents will just be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to issues. You already started policing photos, then it will be names, who can hold the baby, the list is endless!

The issue isn't the baby, it's your relationship with this new woman the fact there isn't any. Invest some time getting to know her and these issues will disappear. Everything you have said so far is fear of the unknown or trying to predict future problems. These will only happen if you let them become problems.

They are excited, but I bet this new woman is worried about how you react to her and is trying probably a bit to hard. It's far better than not trying at all! Give her a chance, get to know her, put the effort in and gently guide her to the boundaries that matter. Buying a few extra pressies for the baby in the large scheme of things really isn't a issue. Seeing photos of your baby really isn't an issue. Building a relationship with her is.

Tbh I think the gay thing is a red herring. This is a mother who has been in a relationship for 2 months. That is very early on for the new partner to start buying things. You need to meet them and get to know them, but this sounds excessive to me whatever their sex.

I think this is probably less about the new gf's relationship with you and your baby. More about her relationship with your mum.

They are in the exciting and romantic honeymoon period of their relationship and they've just told the world. Everything that's important to your mum (like you and the baby) is going to feel important to her gf (and vice versa). Buying your baby gifts is probably an exciting activity they're doing together that's building bonds between them rather than between you and gf.

I think I'd just explain to your mum about not wanting gifts from anyone yet (because it's too soon/ you want to buy them yourself/ you're superstitious) rather than it being about not wanting gifts from her.

Cross the photo bridge later and again make it about not wanting anyone to share the photos on social media and not about sending them to her.

It's very, very stressful being the 'new gay partner in middle-aged, previously apparently heterosexual woman's life' and you do anything you can to make them like you and not call you "that lesbian witch" (which my partner's mother said of me).

That’s awful and must have been very upsetting. Personally I wouldn’t bother trying to make people like that like me. She sounds like a total bastard.

I've met a man and known him for nearly 3 months. I want to introduce him to my children, youngest of whom is 11. I am in love, so I know it will be ok. He must be good for my family as he's bought baby clothes for my older daughter who is pregnant. If anyone didn't accept him, I'd say they were being mean.

Clearly, based on many replies here, I am definitely NBU. Feeling vindicated.

@Vik81

You are trying to control a situation that doesn't need controlling. I'm sure buying presents will just be the tip of the iceberg when it comes to issues. You already started policing photos, then it will be names, who can hold the baby, the list is endless!

The issue isn't the baby, it's your relationship with this new woman the fact there isn't any. Invest some time getting to know her and these issues will disappear. Everything you have said so far is fear of the unknown or trying to predict future problems. These will only happen if you let them become problems.

They are excited, but I bet this new woman is worried about how you react to her and is trying probably a bit to hard. It's far better than not trying at all! Give her a chance, get to know her, put the effort in and gently guide her to the boundaries that matter. Buying a few extra pressies for the baby in the large scheme of things really isn't a issue. Seeing photos of your baby really isn't an issue. Building a relationship with her is.

Thanks , think you've it the nail on the head with trying to control an uncontrollable situation!

It's going to be hard enough trying to find her feet in a family with 10 children, I don't want to make it more difficult for her. Normally I'm the one who goes with the flow and doesn't get too worked up, I think it's the pregnancy hormones!

I'd echo what MrsHuntGenenotJeremyObviously said. Your mum may have found herself a good partner who could enhance your life too. From what you've said, she's already trying to make a good impression on you even if you don't approve of her attempts.

Sounds as if there's been quite a lot of change recently (not least you being pregnant) and that takes a bit of getting used to. I can imagine feeling that this woman was taking my mum's attention away from me at a time when I needed it. It takes time to adjust to the realisation that your mum has her own life and feelings that aren't necessarily what you expected. I'm a lesbian and I've had friends and girlfriends with adult children who were furious when their mum came out and started dating.

How about trying to break out of this negative, defensive place where she can't do anything right and you're already talking of having to protect your unborn child from her and actually meeting her? Just for an hour or two. Go for a walk, have a socially distanced picnic, meet in a cafe or some other neutral sort of place. Meeting her may help you get over your worst fears.

I think more people would find it weird if your mums partner was male and was doing this.

Firstly I don't think it would be weird if she was a man, it's not like she's begging to baby sit. Secondly, she isn't a man. It's not being sexist to say women are on average more interested in babies in general, and much less likely to harm them.

@Trashtara

Seriously? Obviously it has been a shock to OP, and her siblings, they need & deserve some processing time. Their mum cant expect them to be immediately like 'That's great, let's all go baby shopping together.'

This is the thing with parents new partners, because the parent is happy they expect everyone else to immediately treat the partner like family.

Plus OPs mum should be focusing on her 11 year old son who is going to be a bit confused/upset by the whole thing, understandably.

She's only recently came out and said she's gay to myself and my brothers and sisters ( apart from 1 who knew she was in a relationship with her friend as of last year) I always knew, she just didn't tell us. It's new to my younger siblings and anyone out with the family. This friend was in our lives for over 10 years, not sure exactly how much of that was romantic

Ok, so this is not a stranger? Or is the friend who was in your life for 10 years the ex? I'm just trying to follow.

I do think, either way, you sound as if you have some unresolved issues with your mother's sexuality (which I think is totally understandable and I'm not knocking you for it). But I do think maybe you need to focus on those rather than telling yourself it isn't an issue when it does seem as if it is. Otherwise I don't see how it would loom so large.

In all honesty, it's August now and if she's been in a relationship with this 'friend' since last year, it's not a super-recent relationship. You could have had a baby in that time! It might feel really strange and new to you, but obviously your mum is still figuring things out if she's only just felt able to come out to you.

I would cut her some slack, smile and nod about the presents (and, if they're not your thing, just box them up - that's fine!).

Oh I've got another one.

I am a father and have recently met a man and fallen in love, I've known him nearly 3 months. My children the youngest of whom is 11 don't realised I have my own life, it took a lot for me to come out so they need to break out of this negative defensive place. My eldest daughter is really attention seeking making a massive fuss when my boyfriend has already spent money on presents for her unborn child.

But glad to see DD is being unreasonable.

Btw, I think the difference between this and a male partner is that, evidently, the OP's mum has been a little hesitant to come out to her children, despite the fact the OP says she knew. It doesn't sound as if it's something she does lightly, and surely what would bother most of us about introducing a new partner into this situation is that it's been done lightly and before the couple got serious?

Her coming out clearly is the issue, but that's okay OP because it's a big change and probably a shock for you all. But she isn't 'pushing' anything on to you - she's in love and excited, but this new gf may end up being a permanent fixture and will be in your lives, particularly any kids still at home like your brother.

'my parter is annoyed by it also as he's obviously protective of his daughter' - this is the bit that concerns me - what is he protective of exactly?Why is he annoyed? Would he feel the same if your mum had a new bf?

Have a word with her and say that you'd like to meet the gf and that would rather she didn't buy gifts as, while the thought is there, you're not comfortable accepting gifts from people you don't know. One gift is one thing ( my DW had work people I never met knitting stuff for our LO) but ongoing is different.

@SarahAndQuack

She's only recently came out and said she's gay to myself and my brothers and sisters ( apart from 1 who knew she was in a relationship with her friend as of last year) I always knew, she just didn't tell us. It's new to my younger siblings and anyone out with the family. This friend was in our lives for over 10 years, not sure exactly how much of that was romantic

Ok, so this is not a stranger? Or is the friend who was in your life for 10 years the ex? I'm just trying to follow.

I do think, either way, you sound as if you have some unresolved issues with your mother's sexuality (which I think is totally understandable and I'm not knocking you for it). But I do think maybe you need to focus on those rather than telling yourself it isn't an issue when it does seem as if it is. Otherwise I don't see how it would loom so large.

In all honesty, it's August now and if she's been in a relationship with this 'friend' since last year, it's not a super-recent relationship. You could have had a baby in that time! It might feel really strange and new to you, but obviously your mum is still figuring things out if she's only just felt able to come out to you.

I would cut her some slack, smile and nod about the presents (and, if they're not your thing, just box them up - that's fine!).

Sorry I'm not sure I'm being clear, this new person she's being seeing for only a couple of months. The 'friend' who is definitely going to be in our lives for life was with her for years. She helped us all through a lot.

I’m a gay female and although this is a generalisation, it is common in many lesbian relationships for them to progress much faster and with more intensity to a straight relationship*. This may well be the case with your mum and her partner, and as a result her partner is being a bit over familiar and assuming a role that you and your siblings are not ready for yet (you wouldn’t be ready for this step parent role if she was a man either - it’s too soon). I get where you’re coming from - it’s a bit overwhelming. However, her heart is probably in the right place. I think you need to meet her ASAP (whilst following social distancing rules of course) and accept her as part of your mum’s life. While she won’t be the baby’s grandparent, she will be the baby’s grandparent’s partner and will be present in the baby’s life and you need to accept that.

*FWIW, I hate relationships progressing too quickly and always have to hold partners at arms length for a while because I find it suffocating, but I am very much in the minority of my lesbian friends - they all seem to “fall in love” immediately, move in together quickly etc etc.