To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??

[ineedamiracle2020]

Hi,

My mums recently come out as gay, which isn't the issue.

She has been seeing someone for the last couple of months and she seems really happy. It just seems like she's pushing her new relationship onto my brothers and sisters without any consideration that we could all be dealing with the news differently ( my youngest brother is 11 so I'm constantly worried that he's ok with everything).

My main big bear is this person has been buying things for my baby (due in December). I understand it most likely comes from a place of niceness and wanting to be accepted however it's really annoying me that my mums letting her do so - I haven't even met her yet! I'm obviously very protective and I'm concerned my mum thinks my baby will have a relationship with her GF like she will when it's not the case she won't be a gran like my mum will.

I'm just looking for opinions on if I should get over myself and try to work on accepting that this woman will be in our lives, or take a brave pill and tell my mum how I'm feeling knowing that she will probably fall out with me...

Do you work, OP?

When I was pregnant with my first baby, I got gifts sent from Head Office, from my company director's secretary, from people in our other office - all people I had never met but who wanted to get a little something for the baby.

You are being a bit precious with not wanting gifts from people you don't know, it's what people do! You don't need to protect your daughter from people who will be glad to welcome her into the world, do you?

Just tell your mum to tell her partner that you are putting a stop to buying stuff for the baby for now as you aren't sure what you will need or have room for. No need to make a big drama out of it.

Well I'm on my third baby, and if my mum had a new partner, no matter what sex they were, I would not be happy that they were buying things for my baby. It's quite weird.

Firstly I don't think it would be weird if she was a man, it's not like she's begging to baby sit. Secondly, she isn't a man. It's not being sexist to say women are on average more interested in babies in general, and much less likely to harm them.

I’m sure this woman isn’t going to harm OPs baby. But it’s still not appropriate to get a partner of only 2 months involved in your children’s and grandchildren’s lives. It doesn’t matter the sex of the partner, whether you’re straight or gay, you don’t involve a new partner with young children until you are more certain the relationship is going to be a lasting one.

Its really common for people you don’t know to buy baby gifts, especialy relatives of colleagues etc.

As people you don’t know aren’t allowed to see pictures of the baby are you also banning your partner from showing photos to colleagues you haven’t met?

@Magnetfisher

Her coming out clearly is the issue, but that's okay OP because it's a big change and probably a shock for you all. But she isn't 'pushing' anything on to you - she's in love and excited, but this new gf may end up being a permanent fixture and will be in your lives, particularly any kids still at home like your brother.

'my parter is annoyed by it also as he's obviously protective of his daughter' - this is the bit that concerns me - what is he protective of exactly?Why is he annoyed? Would he feel the same if your mum had a new bf?

Have a word with her and say that you'd like to meet the gf and that would rather she didn't buy gifts as, while the thought is there, you're not comfortable accepting gifts from people you don't know. One gift is one thing ( my DW had work people I never met knitting stuff for our LO) but ongoing is different.

I think he's maybe just trying to make me feel better by agreeing with me. I'd be the same either way, maybe more so if my mum had a new boyfriend.

it is common in many lesbian relationships for them to progress much faster and with more intensity to a straight relationship

@Jdhshekr

If this is the case surely it is for them to be responsible and pace their relationship, not for everyone around them to fall into line and 'get used to it'?

Got you! Sorry, I'm really not trying to be nosy, just confused.

I do think cut her some slack, I really do. It can't have been easy for her to come out or she'd have done it already.

You don't need to commit to anything by accepting these gifts and saying thanks - it won't tie you in to treating this woman like your baby's grandmother (though she might come to be seen that way). And if your mum does split up with her, or whatever, the baby won't possibly remember.

It is weird having a first baby, and it is also weird for your mum finally coming out, but I'd say don't borrow trouble.

@Sarahandquack the timeline confused me as well ??

@SimonJT well that's silly because her partner will know them.

It sounds like new partner is trying to 'buy' approval imo.

Its really common for people you don’t know to buy baby gifts, especialy relatives of colleagues etc.

A token gift, yes. But OP has said there’s been quite a few things. She’s clearly trying to overly involve herself, that’s not what colleagues are doing when they buy a baby blanket or whatever. It’s quite different. This woman may be OPs mums partner forever, even more reason to build the right foundations and don’t force things too early.

"AIBU To ask my mums new gf not to buy things for my baby??"
I would not speak to the gf about it, particularly as you have never met her, but I would ask your mum to tell her not to buy presents.

It is totally weird for your mum's new gf, who you haven't met, yet alone know, to buy things for your baby.

It would be totally weird for your dad's new gf, who you hadn't met, yet alone know, to buy things for your baby.

It would be totally weird if your mum had a new bf, you hadn't even met, yet alone know, who bought things for your baby.

It would be totally weird if your dad recently came out as gay and his new bf, who you hadn't even met, yet alone knew, bought things for your baby.

The relationship is very new and it does sound as if it is being foisted on your siblings. MNers wouldn't normally recommend new partners being introduced to their children so early on. I am not surprised you are worried about your youngest brother. It must be unsettling for him to see his DM with someone new who isn't his dad. Could you have him round to have a chat (without leading it) about how things are?

Whoever your DM introduced to the household at this early stage is bound to affect young children and change their world.

I think you could meet your DM's gf, if you wish, and start to get to know her but I would probably only do so a few more months down the line if they think the relationship is becoming serious. (Same as if your DM had been straight and met another man).

I definitely would be put off by someone trying to ingratiate themselves with me by buying stuff for my baby.

I wouldn't worry about the photos thing at this stage at all. Don't anticipate problems before any are here.

@SimonJT

Its really common for people you don’t know to buy baby gifts, especialy relatives of colleagues etc.

As people you don’t know aren’t allowed to see pictures of the baby are you also banning your partner from showing photos to colleagues you haven’t met?

I'm not looking to control who my partner can show photos to, but we both agree on sharing, hence the social media ban- once things are out there, they're out there there's no taking them back.

@wolfgirrl - but who is it hurting?

Yes, it's a shame if the OP's mum has a quick flare-and-fade relationship. I can see it is a possible worry for her 11 year old, in that it might be a patch of instability.

But for the OP? The OP is a grown woman. Her baby isn't born yet, so if this relationship crashes and burns, the baby won't know it ever happened. The OP can just pop the gifts in a box.

I will say ... the issue I have with this 'they should be responsible and pace things' attitude is that you can't separate it from a certain kind of habitual homophobia in society. Same-sex relationships have persistently been characterised as something that you need to take longer to decide about (how often do you hear 'it's just a phase - she'll grow out of it' or 'I wouldn't rush into anything'?).

So for the OP's mum to hear her family saying 'take it slower, you may be wrong' might feel quite different from the way it would feel if she were in a new straight relationship. It could feel, not so much like a sensible caution about this specific relationship, and more like a reluctance to accept her sexuality.

I'm not at all saying that is what the OP is (deliberately or otherwise) doing here. I'm just thinking how it might feel to the mum.

This isn't a marriage though is it? This is a 2/3 month relationship. Very early days.

That wasn't my point in the slightest. Yes it's early days, understandable if she doesn't regard her as a gran yet (weirder if she did). My point was that when people start saying "so and so won't be gran" it's usually because it's a big deal to them that their parent is with somebody else and they think it's important to make the distinction. It's a bemusing POV because it really is highly unlikely the child will be bothered her mum's parents split up before she was born. The hurt and resentment OP and her siblings might feel around the subject will not apply to her child, it won't bother them. Making a big deal of this distinction is pointless and will only cause problems.

I think YABU, when I was pregnant sometimes people I didn’t know would give me £5 for the baby, obviously I never took it but it happened three times, twice in my first pregnancy and once in my second, maybe it’s because I’m from the northwest but it’s just people being kind. If your mums GF is buying a few baby bits for a woman she’s never met then I think it’s incredibly kind, do you really think she has another agenda?

It must be unsettling for him to see his DM with someone new who isn't his dad. If I understand rightly, the OP's mother hasn't been with the OP's father for some time, though? She mentions a 10-year 'friendship' before her mum's current relationship.

It's very, very stressful being the 'new gay partner in middle-aged, previously apparently heterosexual woman's life' and you do anything you can to make them like you and not call you "that lesbian witch" (which my partner's mother said of me)

Oh, I can echo that. When I was in my 30s I was involved for the best part of a year with a woman 12 years older than me with children in their 20s. They hated me. The nicer I was, the more generous and thoughtful I was, the more they hated me. Their father had been very abusive to their mother and they started behaving like him. It was horrible and I felt like the problem and eventually left.

Subsequent girlfriends got the same treatment until eventually the children had children of their own and worked out that they needed mum's help with childcare, money and so on and it was better just to put up with her being a lesbian.

@SarahAndQuack

You wouldn't be saying 'who is it hurting' if she was introducing a new boyfriend after a few months to her 11 year old if that were the case, everyone on here would be flaming OP's mum. However everyone is supporting her & pushing OP to 'get used to it' because the partner is a female and is a) therefore seen as less threatening and b) they are desperate not to come across as homophobic, when the sexuality isnt the issue.

I'm not saying anything I wouldn't say about a heterosexual relationship. But this thread would look very different if OP's mum had a new boyfriend who was being integrated into the family after a few months & buying things for OP's baby without having met her.

Do you think that she’s trying to connect with you or maybe trying to step over the ex partner who you are still in contact with? (Like marking her territory?) The gifts are nice, but ARE a bit intimate from someone you haven’t actually met.

Just explain to her that her new relationship is moving too quickly and that you would the same regardless of the gender of her new partner. And tell her that your brother is struggling.

2 months so they met during lockdown and she lives the other end of the country?

in that case i do think its a bit too much too soon-they hardly know each other

I will say ... the issue I have with this 'they should be responsible and pace things' attitude is that you can't separate it from a certain kind of habitual homophobia in society. Same-sex relationships have persistently been characterised as something that you need to take longer to decide about

It makes no difference to me if it’s a gay or straight couple. 2 months is way to early to be involving others, especially kids in a new relationship. So many people introduce their kids to a new partner after a couple of months and move in together after 6 months. The kids are basically stuck living with a stranger. I think it’s awful.

I think you've confused me with another poster, @wolfgirrl?

I am the poster who said the 11 year old might be a worry.

I also said the OP, a grown woman, is not in the same situation.

I am not 'desperate' not to come across as homophobic - but I came out after a heterosexual marriage, and although I didn't have children, I know how difficult it can be when family members immediately fall into the 'oh, take your time' response. It is very common.

The OP's mum has not suddenly come out on a whim. If she had met a new male partner after a lifetime of heterosexuality, I would think, yes, introducing him to her children in this way, after a few months' relationship, might ring warning bells. But that is because it would indicate a casualness about it all.

If you've been in the closet for years (including what the OP says was a 10-year female friendship, some of which was romantic), you clearly haven't come out on a whim. So it is not the same situation.

I'm not saying I wouldn't worry about the 11 year old. But I do think there are good, solid reasons why this isn't raising red flags in quite the same way a sudden introduction of a new male partner might.

When I had my fist DC most of my Mum's WI friends seemed to knit me matinee coats or hats and bootees. I did not know them all. I just sent thank you cards and accepted them gratefully. I got a fab shawl too. You say it is not because she is gay but you also say you and DH are protecting dd. From what, a mobile and a milestone book? I think you need to process your Mum's new partner. Is she nice to your young brother? If yes then I would just accept her as your Mum's partner if she is not nice to your young brother I would avoid her.

I think the reality is that you are finding it hard to come to terms with your mum coming out as gay and this relationship makes it more real for you. Does not mean you are homophobic but your reality has shifted in a big way...it's hard to deal with.
When dd was born lots of my mum's colleagues who i didn't know gave me gifts...it was rather sweet. Try to come to terms with this new reality. Hopefully your baby will have a healthy view of same sex couples.