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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive 600 miles with a screaming baby

203 replies

groundhoglet · 05/08/2020 00:05

I could really use some perspective on this one. I am a FTM to a 6-month-old baby who is on the whole extremely happy, except when in a car seat. Then she screams and screams until she is sick, and eventually passes out with exhaustion. As you can imagine I do my best to keep her happy and entertained next to her in the back but it's impossible, she just hates it and after about 20 minutes starts with the screaming.

My husband is from the US and we've moved here for 4 months while I'm on maternity leave to take care of his dying mother. I want to support him in this very upsetting time, although I'm also feeling isolated as I don't know anyone and we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

He has a father and stepmother who live in a remote place, a 6 hour drive to the north. We had thought they would be ok to come down to see their granddaughter especially when we explained how a 12 hour round trip would be torture for the baby and for us.

The problem is they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die. I don't think they understand how awful even quite a short journey in the car is with the baby. They have never met her yet because of the pandemic. They could drive down with maybe one bathroom stop, I'm sure that could be done safely, and we would self-isolate (we are anyway for my partner's mother) before seeing them.

AIBU to feel really resentful about potentially having to do this drive? Do I have to say yes? Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them. I feel torn, I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm reaching my limit. Doesn't help that baby is teething and not sleeping a whole lot at the moment.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

OP posts:
Sarah510 · 05/08/2020 08:38

sorry haven't read all the thread but I'd "just say no"... I had a baby who hated the car seat - he's 12 now, and suffers terrible car sickness after about 20 mins in the car, even going to school, so I understand why he hated the car so much when he was little and strapped in. Not fair on the baby. And if they are that scared of the virus why do they want you to visit anyway....

FoxtrotSkarloey · 05/08/2020 08:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

GoshHashana · 05/08/2020 08:43

Absolutely don't do this. As others have said, if they want to see the baby, they can make the journey.

Ladybyrd · 05/08/2020 08:56

YANBU. I wouldn't even entertain the idea.

It's the middle of a pandemic for you just as much as it is for them. I wouldn't want to put my baby at risk. She shouldn't be in a car seat for 6 hours in a row and stops mean risking picking up the virus. Plus there's the unexpected - car breaking down etc. There's a reason we were told not to make unnecessary journeys.

Your baby trumps your in-laws anxieties. They sound incredibly selfish to want to put her at risk. The crying would be my last of my concerns, but still enough to say no anyway.

zingally · 05/08/2020 08:56

Nope, the comfort and safety of a still-pretty-new baby (and a mother in a foreign country) trumps theirs.

LunchBoxPolice · 05/08/2020 08:57

I wouldn’t do it. My ds was a car seat screamer, every journey was so stressful for us both - I couldn’t concentrate on driving properly when I could hear my baby so upset. He’d eventually tire himself out, but then I’d feel guilty that he was only asleep because he’d cried to the point of exhaustion!

I can understand that they are worried about the risks of visiting because of corona - but if you travel to them you’d need to stop at some point and be at risk of bringing it to them. Also you’d be at risk of taking it back to your MIL who definitely doesn’t need it. And as others haven’t pointed out there’s the health insurance complication too..?

IrishMamaMia · 05/08/2020 08:58

I don't have a car seat screamer but it's still a no from me. Much too stressful with a small baby. I'm not sure about America but the etiquette here is generally if you want to see a baby the onus is on you to visit that baby.
If they are that stressed about the possibility of contracting covid they probably shouldn't risk seeing anyone.

MarthasGinYard · 05/08/2020 09:01

Strange, are you also a US passport holder??

ittakes2 · 05/08/2020 09:04

My daughter was like this - even the 15min drive to nursery was a nightmare. I wouldn’t do it but maybe look for homeopathic treatments for travel sickness for short journeys?

billybagpuss · 05/08/2020 09:05

What is it about the car seat that sets her off, would a different style help her?

Just thinking generally there’s no way I’d put my baby through that level of anxiety.

Girlswithflowers · 05/08/2020 09:06

There is a pandemic going on. Where are you staying if you do drive 600 miles. I can't get my head around that either family thinks this is an okay or socially acceptable thing to do.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/08/2020 09:12

Do not go. I had a baby like that and it is entirely unreasonable for your DHs parents to demand a 6hr Drive each way to visit. The entire visit is for their benefit anyways your baby will get zero benefit from seeing a couple new humans for a short time. At this age they have no concept of grandmother and grandfather.
Tell them you will visit when baby is older, can travel and will actually remember them.

QueenArseClangers · 05/08/2020 09:13

My first two DC loved the car. Zonked out and I travelled up and down the country when they were small.
When DD was born OHMYGOD it was horrendous. She cried all the time in the car.

People who haven’t experienced babies like this have no bloody clue how gut churningly shit it is.

When DD was four months old she cried herself to sleep (one of the few occasions she actually would sleep on a car ride) and we battled on with the journey desperately trying to get home before the screaming started again.
I ended up with mastitis due to the seatbelt pressure and my boobs reacting to her distress.

It was such a difference after two ‘normal’ baby travellers.

The posters mentioning car sickness have a good point. DD gets nauseous now as a teen on long car journeys.

Don’t go OP.

HavelockVetinari · 05/08/2020 09:17

Don't do it! DS was a car seat hater, he cried and cried, it was heartbreaking. Sad

When he was 11 months old we went on holiday in the UK with my parents a 5h drive away - I took the train with DS, 8 hours in total. My parents thought I was mad until they'd been in the car with him frequently over the week - then they completely understood!

Turn it back on FIL and SMIL - is their discomfort in coming to see you greater than their granddaughter's wellbeing? It's too dangerous to drive for 6h with a screaming baby, you will be distracted and the chances of an accident will be high.

Mybobowler · 05/08/2020 09:20

I wouldn't do this with my 18 month old (also a carseat screamer), no way would I do it with a 6 month old. Can you imagine the state you'd all be in when you arrive? And then to turn around and do it again in a couple of days? Hell no.

It's unfortunate, for sure, but these are circumstances entirely outside of your control. Just "I'm really sorry, we're disappointed too, but it just isn't possible. We'll plan something extra special when we're all able to travel more freely again" - that'll do!

Isawthathaggis · 05/08/2020 09:20

OP you need to open your windows in the car. Just an inch or two. It might not work but in my experience it’s the air in the car the baby is objecting too. Change the air and the noise, hit 70mph and they love it. Or even if they don’t love it they sleep, which is better.

That won’t solve the problem of your relatives, but it might make your life a bit better.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 05/08/2020 09:23

"They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die."

That is emotional blackmail, and has no logic to it as many pp's have said.

Your DH could go, if it is safe to, and you wish -you and the baby stay.

You're already in a different country, with a tiny baby, in the middle of a pandemic. DH's folks are being more than unreasonable

PrincessHoneysuckle · 05/08/2020 09:24

They want to see the baby but cba to travel.Facetime it is then.

Letseatgrandma · 05/08/2020 09:25

we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here

It doesn’t sound like you should be travelling anywhere at the moment.

BalletShoe · 05/08/2020 09:32

we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here

Surely none of you should be travelling anywhere in that case?
I think you and your DH have enough on your plate. Let them come to you if they want to so badly.

StuntNun · 05/08/2020 09:32

One of mine was a car screamer, even short journeys were absolute hell so you have my sympathy. If you decide that you really want to go could you make the journey at night so your baby might sleep the whole way?

Iwalkinmyclothing · 05/08/2020 09:34

If they're that scared of the virus why would they want visitors to potentially bring them the virus? If the trip would mean they could 'potentially die', wouldn't you doing the same trip mean you could potentially take it to them?

In any case, no. I wouldn't be able to put my baby through that.

pigsDOfly · 05/08/2020 09:42

Can't imagine why in the world you're even considering doing this journey.

There's a worldwide pandemic going on that is out of control in USA. Why would you expose yourselves and your small child to the added risk of catching it by making such a journey and then meeting your in laws. And likewise if they come to you.

Why do their anxieties about the virus outweigh your 6 month old babies anxieties about being in a car seat.

Apart from anything else a child of that age shouldn't be in a car seat for a protracted period. And then on top of that she's going to cry and scream until she vomits and falls asleep from exhaustion. That's not healthy for her on any level and causing that sort of distress for what is, extremely selfish reasons on your in laws' part, is completely unacceptable.

The whole thing is ridiculous. They're being completely unreasonable. Many families have been unable to meet for months.

It's the way things are at the moment, many people's lives have been turned upside down, they just have to accept it's not possible to meet her at the moment.

And as for your daughter getting to see her dad's parents, that's nonsense. It will make no difference to her whatsoever, whether she meets them or not.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 05/08/2020 09:43

I think they just need to accept that when there's a pandemic raging, it stops certain social events. It's unfortunate, but so many people have had to miss out on introducing a new baby to family members because of it.

As pp have said, you'll be increasing their chance of infection or you arrive having made loads of necessary pit stops along the way. Which makes me think they're actually not that terrified of the virus but just don't want to do that long journey themselves...

Starfish1021 · 05/08/2020 09:44

I would absolutely not do this. I had two children who screamed non-stop in any car rides. Do not do it. It will be torture. If they want to see you, they come to you.

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