To not want to drive 600 miles with a screaming baby

[groundhoglet]

I could really use some perspective on this one. I am a FTM to a 6-month-old baby who is on the whole extremely happy, except when in a car seat. Then she screams and screams until she is sick, and eventually passes out with exhaustion. As you can imagine I do my best to keep her happy and entertained next to her in the back but it's impossible, she just hates it and after about 20 minutes starts with the screaming.

My husband is from the US and we've moved here for 4 months while I'm on maternity leave to take care of his dying mother. I want to support him in this very upsetting time, although I'm also feeling isolated as I don't know anyone and we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

He has a father and stepmother who live in a remote place, a 6 hour drive to the north. We had thought they would be ok to come down to see their granddaughter especially when we explained how a 12 hour round trip would be torture for the baby and for us.

The problem is they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die. I don't think they understand how awful even quite a short journey in the car is with the baby. They have never met her yet because of the pandemic. They could drive down with maybe one bathroom stop, I'm sure that could be done safely, and we would self-isolate (we are anyway for my partner's mother) before seeing them.

AIBU to feel really resentful about potentially having to do this drive? Do I have to say yes? Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them. I feel torn, I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm reaching my limit. Doesn't help that baby is teething and not sleeping a whole lot at the moment.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

[AskingforaBaskin]

@Yeahnahmum

Yabu. Just drive. You would have done it if it was your own dad :) As a one off thing .

What a ridiculous comment.

[AskingforaBaskin]

If your DH was so desperate for his child and family to be able to see each other freely he should've stayed in the USA and reproduced there.

To bad. So sad.
He doesn't get to make shitty decisions that his child has to suffer for because of his feelings.

It's a global bloody pandemic.

Tell him to suck it up.

[Leaannb]

@Jaxhog

Firstly, the virus is NOT totally out of control here. And I say this as an anxious shielder. It's as safe to travel now as it will be for some time, I suspect.

Secondly, they will be at greater risk if you travel to them, as you will need to stop very frequently with an unhappy baby. It would be far safer for them to come to you, as they can control their exposure on the journey. I also don't think it's fair to expose a baby who hates travelling to such a long trip.

It really depends on where you are at in the States. In my area it's worse now than before

[MsTSwift]

This is why zoom was invented. Flashback to Christmas 2006 driving from Somerset to Norfolk with dd same age who screamed most of the journey. We pledged never to travel anywhere ever again

[AveEldon]

Have you tried a dummy?

[Babamamananarama]

Haven't RTFT but no, currently it's not reasonable or kind to your child for you to drive that distance.

Things will be different in 6 months or maybe a year. I also had car seat screamers and 6 hours without a proper stop would have been hell on a stick for all concerned.

[SoloMummy]

Given the roads speeds are often 70-85mph, non stop that would be 3.5-4hrs12.
So allowing for a break at the 2 hours point for half hour, that would still be arriving in less than the original 6 hours stated, possibly only just over 5.

Not ideal.

However the situation isn't ideal.

So yes you should go.

I assume you'd stay over.

Fwiw my lo was a screamer. My friends couldn't believe it and thought i overplayed it until they suffered a 15 minutes journey. They got out of the car and said they'd never have children! So I get it.
I found that setting off at around nap time helped.
Snacks also helped. Lights in toys also helped. But a certain amount was just a part of life.

[AskingforaBaskin]

And why shouldn't it be part of in-laws life to get over their issues and come and see the baby?

[SoloMummy]

@AskingforaBaskin

And why shouldn't it be part of in-laws life to get over their issues and come and see the baby?

I think in these times, a bit of understanding about people's very real health concerns isn't unreasonable.
It's not ideal with the baby, but it's not insurmountable.

[AskingforaBaskin]

Nah. They can either suck it up and get over themselves and come and see the baby.

Or accept that they are not more important than a distressed infant during a global pandemic and use Zoom like everyone else.

They wouldn't even register on my list of cares if I was in the OPs position.

[SoloMummy]

@AskingforaBaskin

Nah. They can either suck it up and get over themselves and come and see the baby.

Or accept that they are not more important than a distressed infant during a global pandemic and use Zoom like everyone else.

They wouldn't even register on my list of cares if I was in the OPs position.

And if that was your parent, saying they're suffering health anxiety but wish to meet their gc before you leave the country?

[AskingforaBaskin]

As a decent parent I would say.

My child comes first.

End of. Non negotiable.

Also. Global pandemic and tiny baby immune system.


It's conversations like this where I start thinking Thanos was the good guy.

[Ticklemelmo]

Absolutely no. If they wanna see your baby, they need to grow a pair.

[HoldMyLobster]

I'm just baffled by the idea that people in US states with out-of-control Covid rates are considering traveling 300 miles to visit each other.

I really do despair.

[MountainPeakGeek]

DS hates his car seat but we had to do a few 300 mile trips when he was eight months old and we just drove through the night.

Which might actually be relevant for someone whose child was just a bit stroppy about being in the carseat, but in our (and probably the OP's) case, would just result in the same amount of screaming but with the driver having to negotiate unfamiliar roads in the dark, with a screaming baby distracting them!

Yeah, as others have already said, you can really tell who has and hasn't been in the OP's situation...

And also as others have said, you shouldn't be traveling that far (unnecessarily) in a pandemic situation anyway! Just Skype/Zoom/something instead.

[Newdaynewname1]

Don’t do it. both if mine screamed in the carseat - one so much he threw up, inhaled vomit which ended in a hospital stay. That was on a 20 minutes trip as well... not what you want in the middle of an epidemic (and with US costs on top!).
Also, with a 6 month old you need to stop every 2 hours to get hed out of the carseat for at least 30 minutes. so the trip will be at least 7.5 hours, with the screaming starting new every 2 hours.
Its not a necessity, don’t do it. its torture for all 3 of you,for some minimal pleasure of 2 people.

[Newdaynewname1]

DS hates his car seat but we had to do a few 300 mile trips when he was eight months old and we just drove through the night.
So you drove at night for several hours with a screaming baby? i guess it made sure you didn’t fall asleep..... But the severe sleep deprivation would mean you gad a death wish driving back a couple of days later (babies who didn’t sleep all night will be incredibly grumpy for days, so no sleep for anybody!)

[Jellybeansincognito]

Mine were like this, it was pure hell.
No one understood at all and I was constantly told to stop worrying about long journeys because ‘ all children fall asleep in the car’.

I wouldn’t do it at all.

[Smelborp]

I agree with others, it’s dangerous for a child to be in a car seat that long, even if they aren’t a screamer. I had a screaming baby on long journeys, it’s so hard to bear. They clearly don’t understand but that doesn’t mean you should go. I don’t think it’s safe for you to go, and young babies are also at risk from COVID.

[Angrywife]

Well that's bollocks about not passing on the virus for a few days but I'm sure you know that.
Why can't they come to you?
It seems the most reasonable compromise, they could fly, train, coach or train it too and as you'd have to socially distance anyway, the passing through public areas wouldn't be such an issue.
I had a screamer, I could barely focus to drive 10 minutes let alone an hour. Apart from anything else its dangerous as the driver can't concentrate fully

[snappycamper]

Good lord, no. They want you to drive for 6 hours with a screaming baby, placing yourselves and your tiny baby at risk of contracting the virus at any stops you need to make, and also bringing it potentially to their doorstep? Then turn around and drive for another 6 hours! No, it's both selfish and irrational of them. Many, many grandparents across the world accept they are not meeting new babies during this pandemic. They can Skype or Zoom or Facetime or something.

This. They are selfish bastards OP, don't put yourself and your baby through this for them.

[LovelyIssues]

I wouldn no way be doing that. And if they're that anxious about the virus best they stay away anyway

[cherish123]

It's probably easier for you to do it than them. It might help DD get used to the car. You could break the journey. I remember DC screaming while I was driving on a motorway.

[Kdubs1981]

Just no. My baby was the same and it was the most stressful part of being a new parent. Just awful.