To not want to drive 600 miles with a screaming baby

[groundhoglet]

I could really use some perspective on this one. I am a FTM to a 6-month-old baby who is on the whole extremely happy, except when in a car seat. Then she screams and screams until she is sick, and eventually passes out with exhaustion. As you can imagine I do my best to keep her happy and entertained next to her in the back but it's impossible, she just hates it and after about 20 minutes starts with the screaming.

My husband is from the US and we've moved here for 4 months while I'm on maternity leave to take care of his dying mother. I want to support him in this very upsetting time, although I'm also feeling isolated as I don't know anyone and we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

He has a father and stepmother who live in a remote place, a 6 hour drive to the north. We had thought they would be ok to come down to see their granddaughter especially when we explained how a 12 hour round trip would be torture for the baby and for us.

The problem is they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die. I don't think they understand how awful even quite a short journey in the car is with the baby. They have never met her yet because of the pandemic. They could drive down with maybe one bathroom stop, I'm sure that could be done safely, and we would self-isolate (we are anyway for my partner's mother) before seeing them.

AIBU to feel really resentful about potentially having to do this drive? Do I have to say yes? Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them. I feel torn, I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm reaching my limit. Doesn't help that baby is teething and not sleeping a whole lot at the moment.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

[evilharpy]

I had a car screamer. It was torture. Apart from all the obvious reasons like the baby's discomfort it was impossible to actually concentrate on driving. I remember once driving up the M4 around Reading and nearly ploughing into the back of a Waitrose lorry because I just couldn't think straight. I'd say 300 miles each way of that level of distraction is far more dangerous than the risk to them of contracting the virus.

So it would be a massive NO FUCKING WAY from me.

[itsaratrap]

No. They will have to come to you.

[Couchbettato]

So you've told them, not only is it uncomfortable for you, DH and your baby, but it's distressing, possibly painful, and is also a driving distraction which is dangerous because of the ferocity and the crying to the point where your child is sick, and they STILL insist you put up with it because they might die.

Tell me, if they take a porta potty/she wee, a flask with coffee, and just stop at truck stops where are they going to catch covid?

They're being ridiculous. If they can't get a handle on their anxiety to see their grandchild then that's on them. Not you.

Don't do it.

[Jaxhog]

Firstly, the virus is NOT totally out of control here. And I say this as an anxious shielder. It's as safe to travel now as it will be for some time, I suspect.

Secondly, they will be at greater risk if you travel to them, as you will need to stop very frequently with an unhappy baby. It would be far safer for them to come to you, as they can control their exposure on the journey. I also don't think it's fair to expose a baby who hates travelling to such a long trip.

[howfarwevecome]

They won't die if they travel in their own car rather than you travelling in theirs.

Tell them they're being ridiculous, to bring some face masks, wipes and alcohol-based gel. They'll be staying with you when they get there, no? So very little exposure to the public other than rest stops which will be quick.

They can choose to come see you and the baby or sulk at home.

[ForestDad]

We took my son on trips to see family etc when he was the same in a car seat. Completely regret it now! 2hr journeys took at least twice as long, with most of the time him crying. Not worth it!
It's one of the things that can change when you have kids in terms of lifestyle.

[Lelophants]

As others have said, it's really not good for you baby to be in a car seat that long. Just think of how stiff you feel after long periods and how much worse it is for them. And there are other concerns too.

You're the one with the baby! So they need to make the effort.

[Lelophants]

If they're not comfortable then it shouldn't be happening.

[youwereagoodcakeclyde]

Meet them half way? Take plenty breaks? Travel at night when baby more chance asleep? Get new car seat? Sit in the back with baby?
I think socially distanced hotels /taking precautions is reasonable, there is never no risk and this sounds do-able in a low risk way.
Or take other transport and when you see them - keep 2m away - don't share surfaces - wear masks - wash hands.

[Thisisnotataste]

Seriously can tell who has had a baby that's a car screamer and who hasn't. A 10mins journey is hell. We had to do a 2hr journey at Christmas to see in laws. And then cancelled plans to see my family the week after because it was horrendous. New car seat, window open/closed, music/silence, someone in the back or not, toys/ no toys. Nothing made difference. She screamed for 2 hours.
We were so blase as her older sister loved the car. Straight to sleep.
As PP have said - its for their benefit not hers. Don't put her and you through torture so they can see an adorable potato

[Himawarigirl]

I’ve had three car refuseniks so am totally with you on this. It’s why baby and I are staying home this weekend while DH and kids do 4 hrs each way to visit his parents. My older two are both prone to travel sickness so were probably feeling miserable when babies too. The only thing we have found helped (by total chance as I bought it to entertain the older one at the time) are these CDs. I don’t know if it’s the background beat that is soothing or what but they are magic for us. When older kids get whiny or say they feel ill these calm them. And with the baby it buys a good half hour/40 min without screaming (he’s 13 months). Just mentioning in case they work for others. We have lots of other story CDs etc. But they don’t have quite the same effect. This one and there is an animal songs one too www.amazon.co.uk/Sing-Along-Songs-Car-Nursery/dp/1847330673?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[woodlandwalker]

As a travel sickness sufferer myself, I feel this is quite likely the reason why your baby is screaming. Those who don't suffer it are generally unsympathetic as they have no idea what it feels like. It also takes some time after the journey is over to feel better so the grandparents surely wouldn't enjoy a visit with a miserable baby as well as the fact that it is unfair on the baby to travel long distances.

[pigsDOfly]

Seriously can tell who has had a baby that's a car screamer and who hasn't

No you can't. None of mine screamed in their car seats, in fact one of mine instantly fell asleep as soon as her body touched the car seat.

Understanding what others might be going through is having a level of empathy, you don't have to have been through it yourself to understand it must be hell.

Likewise, knowing that small children shouldn't be in car seats that long and understanding that making a child so distressed that she vomits and falls asleep with exhaustion, is nothing to do with having to have been through the same yourself, it's understanding and empathy; something that a great many people seemed to lack both on mn and in real life.

[evilharpy]

Thisisnotataste You really can tell who's had a car screamer, it's hilarious. "just crack the window open a bit/try a different car seat/sit beside the baby" if only we'd thought of that

As it turned out, my daughter was very very car sick when rear facing - she started actually being sick when she was around 7 or 8 months I think, and didn't stop till we tried her forward facing in desperation as soon as she was old enough and she never screamed or puked in a car again, apart from the times we wondered if she'd outgrown it and tried her RF again and quickly regretted it when she did her Regan Macneil impression. She's brilliant in the car now and we've driven hundreds of miles on many occasions but the baby stage was truly miserable.

[evilharpy]

@pigsDOfly I think she meant the people offering "helpful" suggestions like travel when the baby is sleeping/sit beside her etc - it's obvious none of those suggestions are coming from someone with a serious car screamer.

[TinyMetalBirds]

@woodlandwalker

As a travel sickness sufferer myself, I feel this is quite likely the reason why your baby is screaming. Those who don't suffer it are generally unsympathetic as they have no idea what it feels like. It also takes some time after the journey is over to feel better so the grandparents surely wouldn't enjoy a visit with a miserable baby as well as the fact that it is unfair on the baby to travel long distances.

Yes, my car seat screamer developed into an extremely travel sick child, he would throw up on a five minute car journey to the supermarket sometimes. Even now he is 10 we never travel without a bowl, and give him Kwells for any journey longer than half an hour. I assume his distress as a baby was driven by feeling incredibly sick in the car (or associating the car with feeling awful).

[EKGEMS]

My son when he was tiny hated his car seat with a passion-screamed all the way to and back from trips. It looked like he was trying to jump out of it he was so strongly screaming so I understand your reluctance. A few weeks ago we as a family stayed five nights in a hotel with Covid raging where we were but we followed all the recommendations and stayed safe by eating meals in our car or the hotel room so it is possible.

[mummyoneboy19]

My child LOVES travelling in the car... and I wouldn’t do this journey.

Tell them no, if they want to meet your daughter they do the journey themselves.

[Frazzled2207]

if it wasn't for the baby screaming I would go but I know how awful it is driving with a screaming baby (and mine didn't do it that much). I think you need to be really specific about how much she screams in the car and be apologetic but you just can't do it.

Not sure what you mean that "we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.". You probably shouldn't travel in that case but IMO you could exempt yourself because it sounds like an exceptional circumstance. I'm in Greater Manchester though and although we have restrictions I don't think anyone is saying the virus is totally out of control here.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Your baby doesn’t care about seeing them. You shouldn’t either, selfish arseholes.

[yesyesdear]

OP, have you heard of the 2 hour rule? It ensures that babies are safe and do not experience difficulties with breathing while in a car seat.

If you are travelling that distance, I would definitely be stopping every two hours for a good break, get baby out, then back on the road again. It will make the trip unbearably long, so maybe rethink for another time?

[groundhoglet]

Thanks everyone for all these comments, I'll be more confident saying no now. I agree with PPs who have mentioned its obvious who has had a car screamer and who hasn't. It's not an exaggeration to say it's like watching your baby be tortured and you're unable to pick her up or do anything at all about it.

We are insured for COVID - there are still companies providing this (not many but they do exist). I was able to enter the US because I am married to a US citizen and my daughter is a US citizen.

Where I am you can travel but you quarantine on arrival in a state with less instances of the virus, or test after a few days. My PILs reasoning is that we wouldn't shed the virus for the first few days until we can test. Presumably if we tested positive we'd have to bugger off? Not sure.

They are in their late 70s and do have health conditions, so I understand their anxiety.

The trip would not be for the baby but for my DH and his parents, since we live abroad he is understandably eager for his father to meet the baby as who knows when we will be able to get back here.

In any case thanks for the car seat recommendations, I will look into a new one but it'll be a hard (though regretful) NO to the PILs this time.

[Guineapigbridge]

Try changing the car seat. The big padded American ones surround the poor baby in synthetic puff and make them overheat. Some car seats prop up the baby on a funny angle. Both situations would be uncomfortable for them.

[Guineapigbridge]

My babies also hated rear facing and were much happier forward facing.

[pinkbalconyrailing]

yanbu
driving with a screaming baby is horrible for everyone involved.

have you tried a different car seat?
one of my dc was like your dc. a different car seat solved it. maybe that particular one is just very uncomfortable for your dc.