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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive 600 miles with a screaming baby

203 replies

groundhoglet · 05/08/2020 00:05

I could really use some perspective on this one. I am a FTM to a 6-month-old baby who is on the whole extremely happy, except when in a car seat. Then she screams and screams until she is sick, and eventually passes out with exhaustion. As you can imagine I do my best to keep her happy and entertained next to her in the back but it's impossible, she just hates it and after about 20 minutes starts with the screaming.

My husband is from the US and we've moved here for 4 months while I'm on maternity leave to take care of his dying mother. I want to support him in this very upsetting time, although I'm also feeling isolated as I don't know anyone and we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

He has a father and stepmother who live in a remote place, a 6 hour drive to the north. We had thought they would be ok to come down to see their granddaughter especially when we explained how a 12 hour round trip would be torture for the baby and for us.

The problem is they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die. I don't think they understand how awful even quite a short journey in the car is with the baby. They have never met her yet because of the pandemic. They could drive down with maybe one bathroom stop, I'm sure that could be done safely, and we would self-isolate (we are anyway for my partner's mother) before seeing them.

AIBU to feel really resentful about potentially having to do this drive? Do I have to say yes? Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them. I feel torn, I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm reaching my limit. Doesn't help that baby is teething and not sleeping a whole lot at the moment.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 05/08/2020 07:41

Don’t do it. It will be stressful for you and the baby. Plus you will need to take breaks to feed baby and do diaper changes etc. Perhaps she is car sick and that’s why she cries after 20 mins.

They can drive to see you and perhaps wear adult diapers in case they are desperate to go toilet and don’t want to stop over. I’m sure most people would think wth! But I once saw it in greys anatomy when the doctor in the show wanted to do a long surgery with out having a break. Also, my mum mentioned her friend did this on a long drive so she didn’t have to do so many stops. Heck of a lot better then having to use random toilet (but most are probably close anyway!)

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2020 07:42

Go have an adventure.
Really? Having someone slowly pour boiling oil over you is not an ‘adventure’. Don’t do it, I remember a drive nearly an hour away when baby was going through that stage. I was a complete mess and said no more trips till they grew out of it.

Polly2345 · 05/08/2020 07:44

I would do it and travel at night when the baby is asleep.

Mine just wouldn't have slept in a car, even at night, at this age.

She's much older now and I still wouldn't do a car journey this long with her.

I got v car sick as a baby and I still do - it's a myth that everyone grows out of it. Some people do, some don't.

HanPanPeg · 05/08/2020 07:47

No, just no. If you have a baby like this it’s awful - we couldn’t do 10 minutes. Often people are of the view that ‘they will fall asleep eventually’ until they have done any kind of journey with the screaming baby!

Seeing a baby that young is for the grandparents benefit not the baby’s - so don’t put her through that!

Brefugee · 05/08/2020 07:50

tbh i think the answer is no, you don't have to go.

They're petrified of the virus - but there is no way, realistically that 2 adults would drive for 6 hours without stopping for a break - let alone with a small baby.

If they're petrified of the virus, they must also be petrified of you bringing it to them. Otherwise it looks like an excuse not to travel.

yomellamoHelly · 05/08/2020 07:51

I had a screamer. I would not put them (and me) through that. They have to travel or wait.

yearinyearout · 05/08/2020 07:53

The onus is on them to get over their anxiety I'm afraid, I can't believe they would prefer a baby to be so stressed out than them get a grip and travel.

Do they have good reason for their anxiety? Are they very vulnerable? If so they probably shouldn't be having you go and see them anyway.

VinylDetective · 05/08/2020 07:53

Don’t give in. The journey is much easier for the grandparents. We made a four hour round trip yesterday to visit our grandson for the afternoon because it’s much simpler for us to travel than them. We haven’t even questioned it because it’s pretty bloody obvious to us.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2020 07:53

No way would I do this. If your inlaws cannot understand, I would text them. And outline:

  1. Recent research has come to light just how vulnerable babies placed in car seats are. Babies must not be in car seats for prolonged periods as their breathing is restricted. Resulting in death. You have a baby, who further restricts their breathing resulting in them passing out in the car. Imo your baby would be at risk of permanently stopping breathing.

  2. You are at far higher risk of having an accident due to the screaming. It’s very difficult to drive for 20 mins while your baby is in such distress, let alone hours.

  3. As you would have to make multiple stops, you would be at far higher risk than they of contracting the virus.

The risk of injury or death to your child is far higher than if they were to travel. You understand the importance of them meeting your baby and would be very happy to talk through ways of minimising risk to their health when travelling to see you. But you will not be visiting them. The matter is closed.

letsmaketea · 05/08/2020 07:54

Just a suggestion on the car front - my friend's LO cried constantly in the car until she tried putting the car seat in the front passenger seat. Once LO could see her whilst driving, it was fine and she didn't cry in the car any more. Just thought I'd mention in case that helped.

itsgettingweird · 05/08/2020 07:55

I wouldn't do it because it a not fair that a 6 month old baby suffers such heartache and distress for the sake of adults who get to make choices.

As an aside have you looked into a different car seat? Perhaps it's that she's uncomfortable if she's otherwise generally happy and content?

Standrewsschool · 05/08/2020 07:59

Can they see the baby via zoom/sykype/FaceTime etc.

You say if you don’t go the baby won’t see her dads parents. Even if you do go, she’s not going to remember.

AnnaSW1 · 05/08/2020 07:59

I just wouldn't do it. Why put the baby through it. I know what it's like a have a baby who screams when in the car!

If they can't make the journey then it will have to wait.

KetoPenguin · 05/08/2020 08:03

Mine was a screamer I once did a 20 min journey with her and was so distracted I went the wrong way and extended my journey by half an hour of extra screams. I'm sure it's not really safe to drive with that level of distraction.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 05/08/2020 08:05

If they might catch corona and die from the journey, then logically, you can also catch corona on the journey and give it too them (especially since you will have extra stops).

Even baby aside, that's massive reason not to do it (and one that surely they can see).

But 6 hours+ in a car with a baby who hates their carseat? No.

Xenia · 05/08/2020 08:07

Why can't you just take the train? Loads of people are taking trains day in day out. It is the obvious solution. Also if the baby is not breastfeeding just send the father and baby by train and you stay and have a rest and speak to them on facetime once they all arrive.

Quillink · 05/08/2020 08:07

I love it when people suggest this. You know lots of babies aren't asleep at night?

I have several children and didn't sleep for many years. Know all about babies that won't sleep. Maybe OP's does though. Lots do.

I have also had some horrendous car journeys to visit far away relatives. Awful. But the time spent with them was worth it.

4 hours? I would do it anyway in order to see close relatives whom we might otherwise not see for a long time. OP is unlikely to regret this long term IME.

It's disappointing that the GF won't budge when OP is already in a stressful situation with her MIL. That would annoy me more.

lilgreen · 05/08/2020 08:07

They sound a little unhinged to say they might die Hmm. Guilt tripped isn’t good. Trust your parental instinct.

Girlswithflowers · 05/08/2020 08:08

On another note how on earth did you get travel aka medical insurance for this trip. Should it not be your family that is being the one that is protected.

AndddddHerewegoagain · 05/08/2020 08:09

I would not make this journey.

My son slept beautifully in the car but my 10 week old dd has been a real wake up call to having a baby that can scream an entire car journey.

As others have said i would look at another car seat (not to make the journey just generally) ive put dd in a joie spin and she is so much happier as its more upright. I think the maxi cosi style car seats can squish their tummys a bit.

dottiedodah · 05/08/2020 08:15

Maybe meet half way as a PP said? 6 hours is a long time in a car seat for anyone let alone a baby! Otherwise maybe DH could go alone? I dont think they are being fair to you .You are not unreasonable to not want to go .

Parker231 · 05/08/2020 08:16

If you are visiting a high Covid case area of the US, surely you shouldn’t be travelling anywhere?

zafferana · 05/08/2020 08:21

If you are visiting a high Covid case area of the US, surely you shouldn’t be travelling anywhere?

This^

We're in the middle of a pandemic, you're at the epicentre of it, new baby or not you shouldn't be travelling 300 miles, potentially stopping multiple times at service stations and potentially spreading a deadly virus. This has the added 'bonus' of being the perfect excuse to get out of this trip you don't want to take!

Subordinateclause · 05/08/2020 08:25

It's really clear on this thread who has had a car seat screamer and who hasn't. I know advice is made with the best of intentions but funnily enough people will have checked the car seat is comfortable or tried doing regular journeys. People used to ask if I had tried playing music - ehh yes, I'd tried bloody everything!! My baby grew out of it around 7 or 8 months I think.

OhTheRoses · 05/08/2020 08:26

If they leave their home to drive to you and have one stop and picnic rather than enter a cafe, and just visit you, how is that more likely to lead to infection than of you and your DH drive to them?

I stop once during a 300 mile drive.