To not want to drive 600 miles with a screaming baby

[groundhoglet]

I could really use some perspective on this one. I am a FTM to a 6-month-old baby who is on the whole extremely happy, except when in a car seat. Then she screams and screams until she is sick, and eventually passes out with exhaustion. As you can imagine I do my best to keep her happy and entertained next to her in the back but it's impossible, she just hates it and after about 20 minutes starts with the screaming.

My husband is from the US and we've moved here for 4 months while I'm on maternity leave to take care of his dying mother. I want to support him in this very upsetting time, although I'm also feeling isolated as I don't know anyone and we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

He has a father and stepmother who live in a remote place, a 6 hour drive to the north. We had thought they would be ok to come down to see their granddaughter especially when we explained how a 12 hour round trip would be torture for the baby and for us.

The problem is they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die. I don't think they understand how awful even quite a short journey in the car is with the baby. They have never met her yet because of the pandemic. They could drive down with maybe one bathroom stop, I'm sure that could be done safely, and we would self-isolate (we are anyway for my partner's mother) before seeing them.

AIBU to feel really resentful about potentially having to do this drive? Do I have to say yes? Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them. I feel torn, I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm reaching my limit. Doesn't help that baby is teething and not sleeping a whole lot at the moment.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

[TheChiefJo]

You travelling to them involves the same level of risk to them as them travelling to you. Ask them if they "want you to die" as dramatically as possible in return.

[TheChiefJo]

What @orangenasturtium said.

If anything, the risk to them is greater with you doing the travelling as it's harder to be perfect about safety drills at stop offs with a screaming baby.

[Flowers009]

F2m?
You're transgender? Why is this relevant to know?

[hammie46i]

I wouldn't go. Just say no and that you'll all meet up once corona is over. It sounds like an absolute nightmare, no way I'd be doing it if I were you.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Full time mother

[Smallsteps88]

I think it’s first time mother.

[hammie46i]

@Flowers009

F2m?
You're transgender? Why is this relevant to know?

I think FTM might mean ' full time mother' ? That's my guess.

[managedmis]

Yeah, they basically don't believe you that your baby screams all the time in the car seat. My mother didn't believe me either. After 5 hours in the car with DD, she did...

[groundhoglet]

😂😂😂 @Flowers009 FTM means first time mum!!

[Marnie76]

@Wheresthebiffer2

Why not break the journey? Do you have to do it in one go, or could you stop off somewhere like a hotel? I think you should make the effort, since you live overseas and this is a chance to show off your baby.

If the baby is screaming after 20 minutes, that’s going to be a lot of stops 😳

FTM 🤣

[NeverHadANickname]

I have a similar baby and not a chance would I be doing that. We see family an hour away for special occasions otherwise they can come to us.

[Pobblebonk]

If your baby arrives exhausted after three hours' major distress, they're going to get no benefit out of seeing her. It makes no sense to try.

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

I wouldn't have done this with a 6 month old. It's not about you having to "put up with" her screaming, it's about the baby's discomfort and health. Have a read on carseat guidelines for babies. They are only supposed to be in a carseat for short periods of time.

I would focus on this, rather than you having to listen to her cry, when you explain to your in laws why you can't travel so far.

[Persipan]

Since you don't live there, your health insurance is presumably travel insurance. Would it even provide cover if any of you were to contract coronavirus? If not, I'd be especially cautious (leaving aside the fact that the answer is still obviously no, don't travel that far with a screaming baby, even if there weren't a pandemic happening).

Besides which, if they're that anxious about it why are they willing to see anyone anyway? And what on earth would they be planning on doing during the journey that would make it so dangerous for them anyway? You'd need to stop frequently because of the baby; they wouldn't.

[Thisisnotataste]

Babies should only be in the car seat for 2 hours at a time. So that means minimum of 2-3 stops for you. And nearer to 8 hour journey with all the stops.
My DD also was a car hater. No way in hell I would have done 2 hours, let alone 6 each way. My MIL didn't understand either until she sat in the car with her on a quick pop to the shops. They stopped asking us to visit after that and came to see us instead. Could you send a video?
As a side note- she grew out of hating it soon after 6 months. I think it was reflux but a sheepskin liner and a more upright car seat helped. I hope your baby does too!
Still wouldn't put a 6 month old through that journey.

[Durgasarrow]

I think you could do it and the baby would live through it. You made it all the way to America--get your pioneering spirit together and have an adventure. Surely the baby will wear herself out after a while and fall asleep. Babies are portable. Be nice to these old, anxious people. You have the youth and energy. Don't stay stuck in the same place. Go have an adventure. It won't kill you or your baby. You will all be perfectly fine.

[Limpshade]

I don't understand how you coming to them is different in terms of risk to them coming to you? It's prolonged contact with people with the virus that is the main cause of transmission, surely? Hence distancing.

[vikingwife]

They have anxiety & scared about the journey but expect you to make the journey with an infant? Yeah na.... that sounds selfish & unreasonable to me.

I don’t get the obsession with having to “see the baby” - at so young, newborn is a newborn. It’s not like they will remember seeing their grandparent. Also they live internationally - you’re only there because your partner’s mother is sadly dying. Under usual circumstances you wouldn’t have been in America right now at all! Also you’re there to be caring for his mum’s needs, not pandering to his father’s wants.

I’m sure they can settle with seeing the baby via video call. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is.

[TillyTheTiger]

My son was a car seat screamer, my parents live 3 hours away and we had some hellish journeys. No way on earth I would agree to do double that distance!
However, if you do get railroaded into going, could you travel at night? More of a chance baby will sleep then?

[Yeahnahmum]

Yabu. Just drive. You would have done it if it was your own dad :) As a one off thing .

[rawlikesushi]

For me, it would depend on how vulnerable they are to the virus.

If they are 50, healthy and just irrationally anxious then I'd say no - it is easier for them to make the journey, they just don't want to.

If they are 65 and vulnerable, then I might see their anxieties as justified and make the journey.

Given your baby's difficulties on car journeys and the fact that you are dealing with an imminent bereavement, they would have to be shielding or similar to tip the scales in their favour imo.

[Purpleartichoke]

I had a car seat screamer. Do not make this trip. It does not get better just because you are in the car for so long. We had to make a 12 hour drive with dd when she was 9 months because we were moving. It was awful, really awful. It cemented her car hatred even more and kept me basically trapped at home with for months after because where we lived, we couldn’t get anywhere without a car.

[pussycatinboots]

we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them

If you're in "lockdown" how exactly are you permitted to travel 600m round trip to see them? What are the rules in your area?
You probably shouldn't be visiting them anyway.

[TheABC]

Stick with Skype. I would not do a 6 hour round trip with a baby, even if I did not have a screamer!

It's not going to kill them to wait a while to cuddle her.

[ScrapThatThen]

Say 'we would put ourselves through it for you, but not her, sorry'. Be understanding about them not traveling to you though, it is a pandemic.