To not want to drive 600 miles with a screaming baby

[groundhoglet]

I could really use some perspective on this one. I am a FTM to a 6-month-old baby who is on the whole extremely happy, except when in a car seat. Then she screams and screams until she is sick, and eventually passes out with exhaustion. As you can imagine I do my best to keep her happy and entertained next to her in the back but it's impossible, she just hates it and after about 20 minutes starts with the screaming.

My husband is from the US and we've moved here for 4 months while I'm on maternity leave to take care of his dying mother. I want to support him in this very upsetting time, although I'm also feeling isolated as I don't know anyone and we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

He has a father and stepmother who live in a remote place, a 6 hour drive to the north. We had thought they would be ok to come down to see their granddaughter especially when we explained how a 12 hour round trip would be torture for the baby and for us.

The problem is they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die. I don't think they understand how awful even quite a short journey in the car is with the baby. They have never met her yet because of the pandemic. They could drive down with maybe one bathroom stop, I'm sure that could be done safely, and we would self-isolate (we are anyway for my partner's mother) before seeing them.

AIBU to feel really resentful about potentially having to do this drive? Do I have to say yes? Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them. I feel torn, I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm reaching my limit. Doesn't help that baby is teething and not sleeping a whole lot at the moment.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

[Boomclaps]

@groundhoglet yanbu, but have you tried another seat? Extended rear facing but not an infant carrier (bucket type seat) DNeice hated the car until she was put in the Joie stages at 7 months.

[OhToBeASeahorse]

No chance. Not fair on you or our baby. Sod 'adventure', this is just going to be hideous. They come to you or nothing. You be already made it to the States.

[OneKeyAtATime]

Why do you have to see one another? You don't want to go, they don't. You all stay put until either side is comfortable going.

[Sailingblue]

It sounds like a no. Some babies are terrible in the car seat. My first zonked out immediately. Our second was a screamer until about a year. I’ll always remember one horrendous journey they should have been 1h30 but was 5 hours because of an accident on the motorway. The baby was wailing, the toddler was wailing, my husband and I were bickering and being driven mad by the screaming. It was awful.

[Eng123]

Have you tried a car cot? We did a 900km (each way) journey with a young baby in a lay down car cot and it worked very well. It may be worth a try.

[okiedokieme]

Babies adapt quickly, but you need to use the car consistently for that to happen (we didn't have a car when dd1 was born, got one when she was 6 months and yes she screamed at first but after a couple of weeks of daily use she settled). Other ideas are travelling at night and practice having her in the car seat in the house. If the grandparents can't/won't travel then it would be better to see them once, 6 hours is not that far (seems it in the uk but in the USA we regularly drove 12* hours for a long weekend, distances are vast.). Babies will adapt I promise

[ClashCityRocker]

I don't understand their logic.

So they will need to stop, so increasing their risk of contracting coronavirus and they don't want to do that (which is fair enough).

You'll also have to stop though, increasing your risk of contracting coronavirus and then passing it on to them anyway?

There's not a significant reduction to their perceived risk (which, providing they took precautions could be largely mitigated) either way.

[Quillink]

I would do it and travel at night when the baby is asleep.

If you live in the UK I would take every opportunity to see the other GPs. It's annoying that they won't come to you but I would make the effort.

[Magnetfisher]

No, they either get over that anxiety or accept the fact that they can't see baby for a while. Baby may/probably will get past this phase but there's obvs something about being scrunched up in a car seat for long periods that's hurting it's tum.

[Sailingblue]

okiedokieme Not all babies adapt. It’s ok saying it’ll be fine if you had babies that did. The OP sounds like she doesn’t. My two were very different, both had regular car use but one was quite frankly horrendous for a long time.

[InsaneInTheViralMembrane]

I did several very long journeys with babies - but the one which sticks out in my mind was when I was stopped by Interpol crossing a border during a meltdown.

It was so bad a part of me secretly hoped I was going to be (quietly) arrested for major crimes I’d forgotten about. 😂

Their searches took about 30 minutes and it felt like 40 years.

[burritofan]

I would do it and travel at night when the baby is asleep.
I love it when people suggest this. You know lots of babies aren't asleep at night?

OP, don't go. Car seat screamers are awful. There's literally no plus side or benefit to your going. And no one needs to see a baby in person, really: "ah, a vaguely sentient fat potato, lovely."

[Lockdownlooks]

Yanbu would be a horrible journey, neither are they for being anxious travelling in a pandemic. Unfortunately I don’t think you can see each other.

[reefedsail]

@okiedokieme it doesn't sound like you have ever had a car seat screamer.

DS hated his car seat. We had to use the car every single day. We tried everything. Sitting with him, feeding him during journeys, not feeding him for a while before journeys, different toys, combinations of mirrors so he could see the driver (often me) and see out of the front windscreen, music, white noise, putting him in the seat naked to stop him getting so hot. Even calpol or piriton when really pushed.

Nothing, nothing made it stop. B*ocks can you promise that every single baby 'will adapt'.

It is so stressful. DH once crashed the car he was so discombobulated by the screaming. No way would I do that journey OP- stick to your guns.

The only thing that stopped it for us was going forward facing, which happened at about 12 months as advice was different then. I have a strong memory of the massive grin on DS's face on his first forward facing journey. He liked the car after that.

[AudTheDeepMinded]

I would do it and travel at night when the baby sleeps
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! None of mine could be relied to sleep at night for decent stretches until well into toddlerhood. Nice theory though.

[MaskingForIt]

Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them.

She’s six months old, she doesn’t care what her she meets them or not.

This is all about placing the wants of your boyfriend’s parents over the needs of your baby.

[Velvian]

My DD was like this as a baby. As she got older it became clear that she got travel sick. I would put your baby through it at this stage. Agree with PP that you should say, you are not worried about yourselves, but will not subject your DD to 2 whole days of something so distressing for her.

She has a particular issue with travelling in a car, you're not being precious.

[MrsSpookyM]

So they're happy for you and your baby to be exposed to the pandemic?

[YinuCeatleAyru]

yanbu. we were in that position and had an absolute rule of not being in the car for more than 30 minutes because that was the max we could tolerate (baby sleeping for 20 mins and we could cope with 10 mins of screaming). this stage doesn't last forever. sooner or later things will change and you will be able to so long journeys again. currently you can't.

[Fldn33r]

So they're happy for you and your baby to be exposed to the pandemic?

This

[Rozbos]

Assuming you will be returning to the U.K. after your MIL passes away? If so this could be their only opportunity to meet their grand daughter for quite a long time. Are their elderly? Do they have other risk factors? If so I would probably make the journey albeit reluctantly.

Just a thought though, have you tried playing with the car seat? Making sure there is nothing that could be irritating her, adjusting or removing wedges etc? Might also be worth considering moving her out of her infant carrier and into a more upright erf seat. Many seem to prefer these. When I lived in America my youngest was in a Clek foonf and it was a great seat - more upright but very comfortable and could rear face to 50lbs. Might be worth considering?

[SofiaAmes]

As the parent of a dd who was a carseat screamer, I highly recommend that you DO NOT do that journey. What part of the US could they be in that has such high numbers and is that rural?
They can see their new grandchild when the pandemic is over. She won't know the difference and in the bigger picture of things neither will they. Never mind that in this day and age you can video chat every day, so it's not like they can't have any contact.

[Arthersleep]

Have you looked at the car seat closely? Checked for any lumps, bumps in the back of it/taken off the cover to check it underneath and then checked to make sure that there's no protruding bits of plastic etc (some car seats have known to be faulty and caused babies to scream). Also, take her for a short drive (30 mins) and then, when she starts crying, take her out, strip her off and look for any red marks/signs of pressure on the skin. This will tell you whether it is fitted correctly. For her to scream so much, it indicates to me that she is uncomfortable and not just objecting to it.

[CrowdedHouseinQuarantine]

so its 300 miles

can you go in the night when she is asleep?

can you keep going for longer and longer journeys to break her in?

[Russellbrandshair]

No effing way.
If they’re that worried about the virus they can wait. I’m astonished by the unreasonable expectations some families seem to have during covid. I understand the concern so then just delay seeing each other for a bit- you don’t expect someone to do a 6 hour drive or camp in your garden and shit in a bucket (as another posters family requested). It’s not the fear of the virus that’s unreasonable, it’s the fact that they seem to expect others around them to go to great hardships to accommodate that fear and it never involves any hardship on THEIR part ever. It’s always other people they are expecting to make sacrifices and never them!
Sorry, no.