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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to drive 600 miles with a screaming baby

203 replies

groundhoglet · 05/08/2020 00:05

I could really use some perspective on this one. I am a FTM to a 6-month-old baby who is on the whole extremely happy, except when in a car seat. Then she screams and screams until she is sick, and eventually passes out with exhaustion. As you can imagine I do my best to keep her happy and entertained next to her in the back but it's impossible, she just hates it and after about 20 minutes starts with the screaming.

My husband is from the US and we've moved here for 4 months while I'm on maternity leave to take care of his dying mother. I want to support him in this very upsetting time, although I'm also feeling isolated as I don't know anyone and we're back in lockdown because the virus is totally out of control here.

He has a father and stepmother who live in a remote place, a 6 hour drive to the north. We had thought they would be ok to come down to see their granddaughter especially when we explained how a 12 hour round trip would be torture for the baby and for us.

The problem is they suffer from anxiety and are terrified of the virus. They are very upset that we don't want to come to them, saying we might be uncomfortable in the car but they might die. I don't think they understand how awful even quite a short journey in the car is with the baby. They have never met her yet because of the pandemic. They could drive down with maybe one bathroom stop, I'm sure that could be done safely, and we would self-isolate (we are anyway for my partner's mother) before seeing them.

AIBU to feel really resentful about potentially having to do this drive? Do I have to say yes? Otherwise my daughter won't get to see her dad's parents and who knows when the virus will go away and she'll be able to meet them. I feel torn, I'm trying my best to be supportive but I'm reaching my limit. Doesn't help that baby is teething and not sleeping a whole lot at the moment.

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

OP posts:
MoseShrute · 06/08/2020 19:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

VinylDetective · 06/08/2020 19:27

@cherish123

It's probably easier for you to do it than them. It might help DD get used to the car. You could break the journey. I remember DC screaming while I was driving on a motorway.
It’s never easier for parents and a baby to travel than an elderly couple. Never.
Genzymoo · 06/08/2020 19:37

Absolutely not. Neither of my DDs were fans of the car seats if awake; even the 20 minutes of crying to or from my parent’s house was enough to put me off going too often. It’s all very well saying that they’re safe, they have been fed and changed, etc, but a 6 month old doesn’t know that; they just know that they hate it and no one seems to be stopping it from happening.

I get that your in-laws are anxious; these are anxious times. But clearly if you travel to them, you are going to need to make many more stops and expose yourselves (and therefore them) to a much higher risk than if they were to come to you. You’ll also arrive burnt out, your baby will be miserable and exhausted, and you’ll all be worrying about having to go home.

I am not one to minimise anxiety and mental ill-health; their anxiety about travelling is not necessarily ill-founded. It is not a reason to compromise your and your close family’s mental and physical health. You’ve been more than fair by saying they can visit you which, less face it, is increasing the risk of exposure to the virus by you and your family (regardless of how well they have been isolating).

Stick to your guns. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, it means we don’t all get to do what we want and, in this case, this applies to your in-laws!

samqueens · 06/08/2020 19:52

It’s really hard to balance their needs and, no doubt, your husband’s desire to see his dad while he’s there - but don’t put yourselves through this journey, it will be horrific.
I did a 1.5 hour trip with my three month old screamer, which ended up taking over three hours. After the first hour I had to pull up practically in the middle of a roundabout - both of us in tears (it was dark and a nice lady asked if we were ok - we looked that distressed ☹️). It then took about an hour to settle him enough to drive another hour... stop... repeat. It was agony - wish I hadn’t done it. Also there is not zero risk to your baby from
COVID - babies under 1 are more vulnerable to this, as to most illnesses.
Just say really sorry you can’t bring her but if they felt able to make the journey you’d love to see them. If your husband wants to go he can take pictures. Give yourself a break here - you’re doing plenty to be supportive.

4boyscanttravel · 06/08/2020 20:18

Can your baby see out of the window of the car? Made a big difference for my boys....

4boyscanttravel · 06/08/2020 20:19

Can your baby see out of the car window? Might make a difference.

Newdaynewname1 · 06/08/2020 20:42

It's probably easier for you to do it than them. It might help DD get used to the car. You could break the journey. I remember DC screaming while I was driving on a motorway.
Its easy to see who had a child who protested a bit at times, and who had one that wouldn’t tolerate car seats...

Bramleyapples13 · 06/08/2020 20:45

They're scared of the virus but are happy for you to potentially bring it to them or for you and your little baby to get it on the way to them? In a country where they have absolutely no control of it? I'd be telling them to bog off and they can wait until everything has calmed down.

Rainbowsparkles19 · 06/08/2020 20:53

You're not being unreasonable at all. A 6 month baby should only be in a car seat for the maximum of 2 hours. From what you said she gets very upset & distressed being in her car seat so her being in it for a 6 hour journey would be totally unfair on her.

Localocal · 06/08/2020 21:09

Agree with above. Assuming they are careful about stops their risk is basically the same whoever does the drive. You can give them two options: they come to you or husband goes to see his father without you and baby.

Miisty · 06/08/2020 21:46

Don’t go a 6hour journey is too long .It is not advisable day the Dept of Health without lots of stops .Things won’t improve for you until you are advised to change the car seat to forward facing .Once this happens baby’s are normally much happier

JanewaysBun · 06/08/2020 21:53

I did a some 100 mile trips with a terrible screamer at that age but it was to see my parents, tbf I found her better once we were in open motorway than normal traffic. But 600 miles is so far!

FelicisNox · 06/08/2020 22:02

They won't die from not seeing your DD, they can wait until the pandemic is over.

If they are not safe to travel, they are no safer having people travel to them.

It's a no from me.

dimdarkashian · 06/08/2020 22:03

As PPs have said you have to put your baby first. Luckily mine mostly slept on the 9 hour (yes 9 hour) journeys to Scotland. But, if they’d have been distressed I wouldn’t have done it. Perhaps they don’t realise your baby is distressed? Most (don’t quote me) babies seem to settle in a car (although not going by PPs).

Notthetoothfairy · 06/08/2020 22:06

If you’re going to move continents to help them, why then stay so far away from them?! You need to move to the immediate area.

cantstopsinginglittlebabybum · 06/08/2020 22:06

My dd can be terrible in the car. If she falls asleep it's lovely but also a rarity.

It's torture when they scream in the car.

forrestgreen · 06/08/2020 22:07

May I suggest going for a drive, you driving, dh in the back with the baby. When she starts screaming you face time the in-laws and dh can try to explain, over the sound of the screaming baby, why this won't work.

bemusedmoose · 06/08/2020 22:12

one of mine was like that! I would refuse point blank. It's not fair on baby or you guys. They are so small and cant say why they dont like being in the car - she could be scared, feel sick, be far too uncomfortable... but whatever it is she hates it to the point it just isnt doable. You cant have her that upset. They cant seriously expect you to put her through that!? If they dont want to travel because of anxiety then they should understand why you cant travel either.

Celestine70 · 06/08/2020 22:27

They are being unreasonable imo. It's easier for them to travel and they can take precautions.

MrsBobDylan · 06/08/2020 22:29

No, no and no. You are self isolating because your are caring for your terminally ill MIL. You can't self isolate on a 600 mile round trip.

The breath taking selfishness of their fear that they might get Coronavirus, as though it wouldn't affect you, dh and even your baby. Gah!

moreginrequired · 06/08/2020 22:33

Have you tried the lie flat car seats? Jane make them I think? Have a Full 5 point harness inside and made a massive difference with my first born who screamed all the time... it’s worth a shot

Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry · 06/08/2020 23:57

Oh OP I totally get you. I have two grand parents who live 500
Meters away and haven’t seen their young grand children It’s breaking my kids heart. If I can give any advise it would be to say “no I am Not prepared to put my bab In I a child seat for that long” if you have travelled so far I think they should expect to Travel this bit. I say this with a heavy heart as my in-laws as lovely as they are are on the brink of never stepping foot of their house ever again. #getbusylivingorgetbusydying

AskingforaBaskin · 07/08/2020 01:52

Again. I am baffled.

The issue shouldn't be the bloody screaming.

It should be the virus that could put her baby in the grave.

eatsleepread · 07/08/2020 09:12

YANBU Thanks

TheMandalorian · 07/08/2020 09:21

Just say no.
Completely bonkers. Here are some reasons:
No-one should be making unnecessary trips during a global pandemic.
You and baby could contract covid and die.
Baby doesn't travel well. Its absolutely distressing and dangerously distracting for a driver to concentrate with an upset baby.
You are there to support mil who is actually very ill.
Just no.
Good luck standing your ground.