Wedding evening invite.... AIBU

[DilemmaADay]

Following on from the topic of Weddings on MN at the moment, I have just recieved a wedding invite for a Friday - evening do only. Some factors so I'm not drip feeding

1. I've known the female of the couple since primary school. Never been best friends but I'd class us as friends
2. I work monday to friday so wedding evening is on a work day for me, but I'm not working the following day.
3. Wedding is an hour drive each way, near brides hometown. I have family there too so could stay with them but the location of the venue would require me driving and not drinking, or taking a taxi from the venue to the 'home town', staying there before driving back the following day.

So wondering what to do here. Realistically I could go (unsure about DP as he has strange shift patterns), but it's the principle of evening 'two tier' invites that I don't really like. Also present etiquette, do you get a present for an evening do or not?

What is everyones thoughts?

I think it depends very much on whether anything is laid on for evening guests; not all weddings do.

I attended one evening do, I was duty bound as were other colleagues. I got there to find all the 'day guests' and the bride and groom drunken and ignorant of anybody else. That's unforgivable.

I went to congratulate the bridge and groom (both work colleagues) and the card (with money) was whipped out of my hands and opened by the bride before she even said hello. Didn't say thank you either.
Tacky. We left after about 20 minutes.

I don't have a problem with evening events but no, the expectation that is placed on guests should reflect the effort anticipated from them.

Not all weddings are equal and it has nothing to do with money spent.

We had a buffet for the evening guests. The only thing they didn't get was a drink as we didn't put money behind the bar but had obviously had wine on the table for the sit down meal.

We also had a 'post box' for any cards and presents. I was unsure at first but the venue suggested it as it meant everything was in one place and wouldn't get lost.

@Bowerbird5

I think it is just you. Weddings are expensive. I was delighted to be invited last year to a colleagues wedding. Evening invitation and I gave a gift. I would never go to a wedding without a gift or money to a specific item. I can’t believe some mumsnetters do this. I think it is quite rude but then I was always brought up to take a gift to any invites from a dinner invitation to a wedding.

but then lots of evening do's don't actually host you in any way?

okay you have a room to stand in, but often no buffet, nor seats, just a bar to buy drinks at, at high prices. Its not really "hosting" as such.

I agree with you, burnoutbabe, hosting is a verb and you actually have to 'do something', not just stand there with your hand out and pretend to be.

I'm more discerning about the weddings/events I go to now, not such a people-pleaser, not wanting to say 'no'. Life really is too short to be doing things you really don't want to.

[quote SurreyHillsGirl]@Newkitchen123
What's the problem?
If you want to go, go
If you don't, don't
There you go. Solved

I'm sure the OP is SO pleased that she posted after receiving your insightful and wise counsel[/quote]
I genuinely don't get what the issue is.
It's an hour away. She has somewhere she can stay that won't cost anything. I'm really not sure what she expected people to say.
As someone else said, it comes across as feeling entitled to a whole day invitation and miffed that she didn't get one. If I'm wrong fair enough

I've never been to an evening 'do' where no food was laid on (nor heard of that). There was always a buffet and at least one free drink. It seems very strange not to do that, who invites people to a party and not feed them?

I also would give a present or contribute to one even if I couldn't go to the wedding celebration for some reason.

@Jayaywhynot

We never attend evening only wedding invites, if we are not close enough or imprortant enough to the bride and groom to be invited to the whole event we dont need to attend. Attending weddings is expensive, even just to the evening do with travel, hotel, new outfit, present etc and we feel if you are only invited to the evening do you are like a 2nd tier invitee. So if we're not good enough for the whole day we dont need to be there at all. I stick to this rule and have explained my stance when questioned why I have declined invites in the past.

Goodness! Are you using the royal we, @Jayaywhynot?

@auntieElle
Actually I was referring to my OH and I, as in we, as in us, as in us together, you know the word "we"
Clever bo*cks

I've never been to a wedding with no evening buffet. The only one that had no welcome drink in for evening guests was a BYOB reception

@Jayaywhynot words fail me. How do your friends react when you say if I'm not important enough to go to the day I won't be going in the evening?

How do your friends react when you say if I'm not important enough to go to the day I won't be going in the evening

Can’t imagine they react at all. It’s absolutely fine to say no on an RSVP and if they disagree with the reason there wouldn’t have been an evening only invite in the first instance.

Id be happy with an evening invite especially on a normal work day so i dont have to use annual leave. Every wedding ive been to has had evening guests seems normal to me

Evening dos are common where I live. DH and I went to a lot when we were younger, mostly work colleagues and acquaintances. They were basically just a night out and local. We were often parts of big groups of works people and it was just a good night out and I think added to the atmosphere to the ‘do’.

Over the years we started receiving them for weddings are the other end of the country. Involving travel, hotels, holiday from work, often still including a wedding list. That’s just cheap. We don’t go.

The worst one was one of my best friends. A locaL wedding in a venue she couldn’t afford (very expensive). I was part of a close group of 6 and we only got night invitations. We were pushed into going to the hen do which was only night do people and one girl who had been invited to the whole things and was MOH (in 15 years of friendship I’d never met or heard of, she was a
Primary school friend). It was pretty awful and no atmosphere, bride was pissed we hadn’t gone to the expensive, badly organised day activity.
At the wedding we were ignored, not given a drink and clock watched the whole night. Massive disco and no one danced (apart from B&G briefly who desperately tried to get some party going). There was almost tumbleweed blowing across the room. She got the pictures she wanted and lost 6 friends though.

Im having my daughter baptised this month and only alowed very limited numbers in the church. Also i had evening onlu guest at my wedding not because i didnt want the evening guest there because i coupdnt afford to pay for the extra 80 meals

Im having my daughter baptised this month and only alowed very limited numbers in the church

Is that because the church have limited numbers at each service?

I was under the impression that baptisms take place during services and every member of the congregation who would like to attend is welcome, as the church and services are open.

None of the evening guests at our wedding bought a gift

I thought most people had evening guests at their weddings, and a buffet provided with them in mind.

I have always bought a card and present for anyone who invites us to any occasion. I thought everyone did that too.

@Newkitchen123
Crikey, words fail you dont you get out much, you seem to be easily shocked
I hope you're not one of those snowflakes we hear so much about, I'd hate to be the cause of any angst and hand wringing. Here's some to hopefully soften the shock of someone having their own opinion.
To clarify I would think we were not very close friends if I was only invited to the evening do.
Its perfectly acceptable to decline an invitation for the reasons I have stated.
@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
Thank you!

I wouldn't be offended to get an evening only invitation. Well obviously if it was my sister's wedding or something I would , but in my experience it tends to be family and very close friends who are invited to the whole day and friends and colleagues that get invited to the evening and I think that's absolutely fine.It is usually a cost issue for most people and as OPs have said, many couples end up with so many relatives at the main reception tgat tgey can't fit their real friends in. I tend to politely decline evening invitations, because I don't enjoy that kind of event, but I wouldn't see it as a slight to get one.
I was a bit surprised to receive an invitation to the Church and Evening a couple of years ago as I always thought that the correct etiquette was that if you formally invited someone to the ceremony then you should also invite them to the Reception. I think it is a bit off to invite people to the Church and then expect them to kick their heels for a few hours before they come to the evening do, but soley evening invitations are absolutely fine. It is of course, also perfectly ok to decline. I admit that I tend to lie and make up a prior engagement or a childcare problem but only because that seems more polite than to just say that I don't want to go. If I'm invited to the whole of a wedding I tend to slip away once the evening do begins in fact. They're just not something I enjoy.
I usually send a small gift even if not going, but wouldn't spend as much as if I was going to the whole thing. I think its polite to send something if you've been invited though. So in your shoes I would probably decline and send some kind of token gift, but not take any offence regarding the invitation.

@InTheWings
Yes its because we are only allowed limited numbers in the church with masks and social distanceing and although it would normally be done as part of the service it is being done seperatly

A reception is supposed to be how you thank the guests for witnessing the ceremony so therefore it's definitely rude to invite to the ceremony but not the reception.

That said at least before covid and fire safety regulations in registry offices wedding ceremonies were considered public ceremonies that you don't need to be invited to.

lampshadery
A large portion of Mumsnet users seem to have a coronary at the thought of going to an all-day wedding yet are mortally offended if they aren't invited to the whole thing

This!

If you're not enough of a friend to be invited to see the actual marriage ceremony then you shouldn't be invited at all.
Evening invites are for people far removed from the couple like parents friends. Just so they get a chance to show off/collect presents for little effort.
I'd be more than happy to miss the evening part and just attend the ceremony. It's the part that actually counts.

I am with the majority. Really close friends and family during the day , friends at evening party . I would never be offended to be invited to an evening reception and would always take a gift , it’s only manners

The thing that upsets me about getting an evening invitation, which has only happened twice, is that I feel the marriage ceremony is the important bit and therefore I want to be there for that.