Wedding evening invite.... AIBU

[DilemmaADay]

Following on from the topic of Weddings on MN at the moment, I have just recieved a wedding invite for a Friday - evening do only. Some factors so I'm not drip feeding

1. I've known the female of the couple since primary school. Never been best friends but I'd class us as friends
2. I work monday to friday so wedding evening is on a work day for me, but I'm not working the following day.
3. Wedding is an hour drive each way, near brides hometown. I have family there too so could stay with them but the location of the venue would require me driving and not drinking, or taking a taxi from the venue to the 'home town', staying there before driving back the following day.

So wondering what to do here. Realistically I could go (unsure about DP as he has strange shift patterns), but it's the principle of evening 'two tier' invites that I don't really like. Also present etiquette, do you get a present for an evening do or not?

What is everyones thoughts?

What's the problem?
If you want to go, go.
If you don't, don't
There you go. Solved

@Brunilde As a side note ignore most of the threads on mumsnet. Most people just agree with either the first couple of responses or the accepted wisdom they have seen thrown out again and again. It does not reflect most people's views in the real world.

Best piece of advice I've read so far. Thank you.

Bowing out now as some of these responses are more personal digs than advice. I will just assume these are from people lacking the intelligenceto provide a proper answer so have to go for the attack option. @AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken so I need to get over myself for not understanding someones culture for a wedding and seeking advice online to help me. Okay you tell yourself that

Thank you to those who have shared your stories and thoughts, its helped me a lot

@TatianaBis T
I find the whole tier thing gauche. Didn’t have any such nonsense at my wedding

Invite people or don’t, but don’t partially invite them it’s rude

Totally agree with this ^. Evening invitations are so tacky. I have been to looooads of weddings and have never received an invitation to an evening do. I wouldn't go if I did, rude, rude, rude.

@TatianaBis
Thank you, exactly

@Jayaywhynot

We never attend evening only wedding invites, if we are not close enough or imprortant enough to the bride and groom to be invited to the whole event we dont need to attend. Attending weddings is expensive, even just to the evening do with travel, hotel, new outfit, present etc and we feel if you are only invited to the evening do you are like a 2nd tier invitee. So if we're not good enough for the whole day we dont need to be there at all. I stick to this rule and have explained my stance when questioned why I have declined invites in the past.

What a great policy. Making someone else’s wedding all about yourself without any consideration for their finances or their choice of wedding. You sound like a great friend. We had 8 people for our “day time” wedding. I hated the thought of walking down the aisle and making vows in-front of huge numbers of people. It was putting me off getting married at all. We had a evening do for around 120 with a free bar. My best friends and closest cousins weren’t invited to the ceremony and totally understood why.

@Newkitchen123
What's the problem?
If you want to go, go
If you don't, don't
There you go. Solved

I'm sure the OP is SO pleased that she posted after receiving your insightful and wise counsel

[quote DilemmaADay]@Brunilde As a side note ignore most of the threads on mumsnet. Most people just agree with either the first couple of responses or the accepted wisdom they have seen thrown out again and again. It does not reflect most people's views in the real world.

Best piece of advice I've read so far. Thank you.

Bowing out now as some of these responses are more personal digs than advice. I will just assume these are from people lacking the intelligenceto provide a proper answer so have to go for the attack option. @AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken so I need to get over myself for not understanding someones culture for a wedding and seeking advice online to help me. Okay you tell yourself that

Thank you to those who have shared your stories and thoughts, its helped me a lot [/quote]
Yes you have to get over yourself.
I was invited to and attended the wedding of someone from a very different culture to me. I just happily went along with their plans. I was excited to celebrate a wedding in a new way and find out more about her culture.
I didn’t make it all about me.

@DilemmaADay
An hour drive away is really not much. It’s an effort, but surely one you’d be willing to make to see your friend on one of the biggest days of her life?
Why do you feel so entitled to a day invite (despite not being related/a best friend)
You even have accommo options to stay nearby.
If this was a post about how you speak every night on the phone, you have mutual friends (who you consider to be the same friendship level as with bride) and you feel really hurt - I’d get it more.
Presents - yes. Smaller from evening guests than day guests normally. If you don’t attend, people often still send a small gift/voucher.
If you really feel like a “last minute” thought, don’t go. I think it is a slightly old fashioned concept though. I’m in my 30s and been to lots of weddings. Lots of my friends now (unless in wedding party) actually prefer evening. Doesn’t take up the whole day and you get to go to the fun bit (food cake dancing, say hello) and not as expensive for present/normally people have suitable outfit for night too.
On the flip side, I didn’t go to an evening invite a while ago. Wedding was 2h drive (Each way). My DH couldn’t go and I was working (with teenagers) the next day at 8am (school trip - away for 2 days and nights). And I wouldn’t have known anyone there (I’ve met her family when we were kids, I know of her uni friends) - slim pickings on the friends front though. I’d also never met her DH. I would definitely have gone if my DH had been able to go and would’ve had to be organised and potentially tired for school trip. I ended up saying sorry I couldn’t make it and told a white lie about school trip starting early. Maybe that was wrong, but I think best not to go if you don’t really want to (which was how I felt!)
So my advice is tell you off for not making an effort, and tell you about a time I didn’t really bother. Am I a hypocrite? Yes, ma’am!!

I also wouldn't expect a gift from an evening invitee, and would ensure the invitations stated as much.

As a guest I'd take a card and and some wine or food, if it was an old friend or someone whose celebration I genuinely wanted to attend. If it's clearly an invitation issued for politeness' sake - ie from an acquaintance rather than a friend - these days I just send a nice card wishing them a lovely day and decline the invitation.

It boils down to whether you actually want to go or not, OP. People really do get silly over weddings and there's a lot of brouhaha about 'their day, their choice'. Fair play, but the choice of whether or not to attend also belongs with the guests.

sounds to me that if you only get an invite for the evening bit, you are..... not important /loved /cared for enough.

Absolutely not if you come from an area where evening guests are a normal feature of many weddings (eg Scotland).

It's a lovely way of including work colleagues and friends that wouldn't expect a whole day invitation but are delighted to celebrate the wedding. I wouldn't travel hundreds of miles and stay in a hotel though. Evening guests are usually more local.

And of course I would give a gift.

That doesn't sound like hard work at all. It's only an hour away from you!

You are obviously miffed not to be invited to the wedding.

@coronabeer23

It's only on Mumsnet I see disdain for evening invites. In real life they happen all the time.

I have never heard of them before MN ad have never been invited to one. Totally alien concept to me

I'm so surprised! It's the norm here, never been to a wedding where more people didn't turn up in the evening. Where (vaguely) you live if you don't mind me asking?

I was in the exact same position. I went with a gift and had a nice evening. The MN outrage over evening invitations is ridiculous. Especially given how tedious and showy and whatever people seem to think weddings are. I'd have thought if that's your feeling, you'd be pleased that they want you there only for the fun bit.

If you don't want to go, then don't. Sending a card at least would be nice though.

Sounds like you just don’t want to go. Sounds an easy one to attend if you wanted to. If it makes you uncomfortable then don’t go. It’s a pretty normal thing to have evening invites and some people just have to and can’t afford / or fit in everyone during the day. It doesn’t mean you’re a second class citizen just that you didn’t make the cut for the day - if that offends you then just say no - that’s your problem not theirs.

A large portion of Mumsnet users seem to have a coronary at the thought of going to an all-day wedding yet are mortally offended if they aren't invited to the whole thing

I think it is perfectly acceptable to decline an evening invitation. it doesn't mean that she is not your friend or vice versa. If you think you will enjoy it then go! Otherwise, don't stress and decline. I find weddings hugely boring unless it is someone that I am really close to but others love them.

I think the only mutual friends I share with this person are all going to the full day, so I guess my nose was out of joint a bit, selfishly. I have till October to respond though so enough time to get my head out my arse

I've changed my response since reading this particular update, which missed this on a first skim-read (apologies for NRTFT). Now I see completely where you're coming from @DilemmaADay and quite understand why you would feel you don't want to go.

Most of us have probably experienced that feeling of having invested time, energy and affection into a friendship, only to discover that the 'friend' doesn't return that investment and values you less than you value them. It sucks. In fact, it's very hurtful.

If all other friends in that circle had received an evening invitation it would probably have passed without your comment or notice. As it is, singling you out in this way does look very pointed whether it's intended to be or not. I think in these circumstances I might also be inclined not to go.

So no. YANBU.

For all you know they are having a very small wedding and REception, with a small lunch with immediate family, and then having a party with all their friends and wider family in the evening.

I don't agree that the B&G are knackered and not bothered by the evening do - that is often where they actually get to have fin with their friends instead of uncles and friends of their parents'.

Weddings take many different forms now, according to cost, how to manage extended families, a small lunch to avoid having to manage a 'top table' arrangement with divorced parents etc....and most of all, massive expense.

Evening invites make you feel a bit of a last minute thought but maybe that's just me Well, you and others who seem to take things personally. I know no one in RL who reacts in this huffed up way.

An hour each way, with the ability to stay at relatives is no problem at all, for a great party if you would have fun. Surely you know lots of other friends who will be going?

Anyway, go if you want, not if you don't - but just as you have taken it badly that you were not invited to the day reception, don't be surprised if your friend is not impressed if you can't be arsed to go to her wedding celebration party.

Maybe come back to the decision when you are not in a bad mood?

Everywedding (bar one destination wedding, and a far away wedding) ive ever been to has had day and evening guests in the uk.

I wouldnt even batter an eyelid

Although im aware that its not the norm in some places. Its similar to the fact the majority of weddings ive been to as cash bar which my american partner is horrified by.

You don't sound like you want to go, so don't.

Sounds like the perfect situation to me, OP. No need to take the day off work to attend, none of the boring bits, a shindig your mutual friends will be at, and free accomodation with your relatives.

I can understand being miffed that your other friends are there for the day, but do they live closer/see her more often?

If you like the bride and it’s not inconvenient, go. I wouldn’t be offended by an evening invite.

@DilemmaADay

I'm surprised by some of the responses as I thought the majority of mumsnet wouldnt attend an evening only invite when I read other threads. Or that's the consensus I was getting.

I'm unsure if I want to go in all honesty. Evening invites make you feel a bit of a last minute thought but maybe that's just me. Thanks for the head wobble, I think I'm just in a bad mood today

That's not how we looked at it. We got married in a registry office that only held 50 people and there were many more we wanted to celebrate with. We invited very close family and friends to the day and evening and anyone we couldn't fit in the registry office to the evening only. A lot of the people invited to the evening were my workmates who obviously wouldn't have been able to have the whole day off at the same time.

As far as I know no one was mortally offended and they're all still talking to me!

you're over thinking. It sounds like you can't be arsed to go.
I'd get a present if I went to an evening do wedding, if I didn't I would probably still send a card .

When we got married some people were on the evening do only list simply because our venue had a strict limit of 80 for the main reception. We had over a 100 we wanted to invite. It was the only way we could invite everyone.

I think it is just you.
Weddings are expensive. I was delighted to be invited last year to a colleagues wedding. Evening invitation and I gave a gift. I would never go to a wedding without a gift or money to a specific item. I can’t believe some mumsnetters do this. I think it is quite rude but then I was always brought up to take a gift to any invites from a dinner invitation to a wedding.