Wedding evening invite.... AIBU

[DilemmaADay]

Following on from the topic of Weddings on MN at the moment, I have just recieved a wedding invite for a Friday - evening do only. Some factors so I'm not drip feeding

1. I've known the female of the couple since primary school. Never been best friends but I'd class us as friends
2. I work monday to friday so wedding evening is on a work day for me, but I'm not working the following day.
3. Wedding is an hour drive each way, near brides hometown. I have family there too so could stay with them but the location of the venue would require me driving and not drinking, or taking a taxi from the venue to the 'home town', staying there before driving back the following day.

So wondering what to do here. Realistically I could go (unsure about DP as he has strange shift patterns), but it's the principle of evening 'two tier' invites that I don't really like. Also present etiquette, do you get a present for an evening do or not?

What is everyones thoughts?

Given all that’s happened this year I would attend and try and have a nice thing to celebrate!

I always prefer evening only invites, the full day can be long and boring but the evening is a quick catch up with cake!

Sounds like a perfect friday night to me. No time off work needed, dont need to put too much effort into looking amazing, party for a few hours then weekend free.

Every wedding I've been to has had day guests and evening guests and no offence has ever been taken either way. At my wedding their were limits on numbers for the day so it was family and best friends and then another 30 people came later.

I don’t really get invited to weddings, work weddings we all go to the evening as there are loads of us so been to lots of evenings they are good fun and nice to spend time with friends etc no one sees them as a snub.
You sound like you wanted to go all day but weren’t invited, or you just don’t want to go. An hour isn't far really after work unless you work long shifts, I couldn’t go after a long day as I leave at 6am and finish at 8pm so no time for getting ready etc

Sounds fairly straight forward to me. Only an hour away. If you're not close friends evening only invite is fine. Just take a card if you prefer not to give anything.

Think of it this way, you've been invited to a party to celebrate your friend getting married. If you have been invited on a Friday night out to see some friends or celebrate a birthday you'd probably go. So it's no different. Most people cannot afford the cost to invite everyone they would like to for the day and the venue may not have space. So instead of being annoyed at what you haven't been invited to, be pleased that they have thought of you and want you there to celebrate when they can. For the majority of people it is not a slight on your friendship. Just a necessary compromise because of cost. If I could have afforded to I would have invited all our guests all day, I didn't invite extras to the evening who would never have received a day invite given the choice.

As a side note ignore most of the threads on mumsnet. Most people just agree with either the first couple of responses or the accepted wisdom they have seen thrown out again and again. It does not reflect most people's views in the real world.

@SoupDragon hiya , hope you're well.
Just wondering, what is a second tier wedding please?

I find the whole tier thing gauche. Didn’t have any such nonsense at my wedding.

Invite people or don’t, but don’t partially invite them it’s rude.

I don't think it sounds bad at all.

We all have multiple circles of friends. Those you see loads, have round for dinner, see in small groups. And those you definitely consider friends but tend to see at bigger dos.

Given family also take precedence at a wedding, an invite to the party is fine by me.

And yes, you definitely give a gift, a lower value one than you would have if you were an all day guest.

Go if you want to, decline if you don't. Either way you should give a gift.

instead of being annoyed at what you haven't been invited to, be pleased that they have thought of you and want you there to celebrate when they can. For the majority of people it is not a slight on your friendship. Just a necessary compromise because of cost.

Exactly.

I think a 'two tier' invite would be a wise move at the moment.

You invite only a very small number to the ceremony and reception with meal.

Then invite other people to the easier to cancel evening do. It means there's less financial risk to all if it doesn't go ahead as planned and people don't get upset if they were originally invited to the day but then are culled from it because of restrictions on numbers being imposed at the last minute.

The couple sound like they wanted to keep costs down with a Friday wedding, but don't want to inconvience people who would need to take time off work by inviting everyone to the daytime ceremony. Friday weddings always get moaned about on here and it sounds like they've been somewhat sympathetic to this complaint.

Our evening only guests were definitely not an afterthought, we sent those invites out well in advance of our wedding (around 3 months before the wedding date) as a PP said, those of us who don't have massive budgets for our wedding often have most of our 'day guest' spots taken by obligatory family members. Lots of our friends (not closest, closest best friends, but treasured, long standing friends nevertheless) were evening invite only. Unfortunately 2 'friends' of mine took umbrage at this, didn't attend and didn't speak to me since pretty much.
If you only received the invite yesterday and the event is Friday then yes, I would feel a bit like rent-a-crowd, but if you got your evening invite in good time I think they clearly value you in their lives and want you to celebrate with them!

Our neighbour invited us to her evening do. I would never have expected a whole day invitation. We didn't go but we bought a gift.

I have only read the OP so answering that. Anything else relevant should have been posted firstly.

It isn't about what is expected it is about what you want to do. You clearly can't be that bothered so don't go. Stop making such a drama about it.

@DilemmaADay

For the comment about Wedding receptions being called off by Boris, this is for a wedding in March 2021.

Yeah, I think the only mutual friends I share with this person are all going to the full day, so I guess my nose was out of joint a bit, selfishly. I have till October to respond though so enough time to get my head out my arse

So this is the problem, you’re hurt. You thought you were better friends and now you realise that you’re not. It hurts. Leave it a bit and see how you feel later in the month.

Weddings are so expensive that unfortunately people do have to prioritise and maybe they have big families? I was amazed when a colleague had 100 at the day do and it was just family and another 100 in the evening of friends.
We managed to rustle up 37 I think and that was the entire day 😂 Just go if you want to, otherwise don’t but don’t worry about being second tier. It’s unlikely to be personal, probably financial.

This is a cultural thing as these evening weddins only do not exist where im from.for good reasons :) sounds to me that if you only get an invite for the evening bit, you are..... not important /loved /cared for enough.

Id rather get no invite tbh

People always get hurt with the two tier lark that’s why it’s not a good idea. You’re saying: ‘“like you enough to feed but I only like you enough to buy you drink”

Unless of course you have a pay bar

I could only afford 50 guests to my reception. In the evening we had 120, a massive buffet and a live band. It was the best part of the day for me. It’s a party, go if you think you’ll have fun. Don’t go if you you don’t like the bride that much. Your loss.

It's only on Mumsnet I see disdain for evening invites. In real life they happen all the time.

I have never heard of them before MN ad have never been invited to one. Totally alien concept to me

You're overthinking

Evening invites are normal and given it is only an hour away and you have family I would go. I got an evening invite to a cousins wedding but I lived 500miles away and declined ....

So if you were invited to any other big party on a Friday night, one hour's travelling time, say a 30th or 40th or a big anniversary - anything but a wedding - would you go?
You're lucky to be invited to anything at the moment - most of us would go to the opening of a envelope and think it's a bit of a do!
But if your nose is out of joint - don't.
I agree with whoever said you'll miss all the boring bits - church service, endless photographs, small talk with aunties you don't know, speeches you can't properly hear, salmonella lunch.

I don't understand this culture thing, I have never heard of this not being normal in the UK. In any event surely you embrace the culture of the person getting married? Rather than imposing your own culture in what they are doing?

If I was abroad and I wedding ran a certain way I wouldn't be taking offence and saying but I should only be an evening guest and I don't want to do that.

If you considered them close enough friends to attend their day-time part, you wouldn’t be mithering about driving an hour to get there, where you also have free accommodation.
Get over yourself.

I don't understand this culture thing, I have never heard of this not being normal in the UK

There’s no U.K. standard. What’s normal for one group is not for another.

I’ve never been invited to a two tier wedding. I know they happen but I think they’re rude.